DH and I have been actively TTC since March 2024. Off the pill for a year before that. Regular but very light periods. Ovulation positive. Not a smidgen of a BFP. Normal BMI, healthy diet, non smoker, take all the vitamins, do SMEP etc etc. Month after month.
It has turned me into a shell of a person. So much pain, so many regrets. Irony of ironies, DH and I have been together since uni – but spent so much time getting ourselves to a better place financially (moving up to the career ladder, getting out of renting, then first property, then another move during Covid) before trying. Stupidly, naively, we thought it would just happen. Not helped by example of friends having successful natural pregnancies in their late 30s/40. My Dad got cancer in late 2022, which threw us off for another while. We even waited until we had renovated our property – we wanted to ‘have all our ducks in a row’ (especially DH, who was daunted by fatherhood, and didn’t mind putting it off – I should have pushed for us to start trying but thought it would then happen, even if a bit later than I would have liked).
And then, after all the planning and waiting – zilch, de nada, niente. Month after month. So many years of taking the pill, being careful. Trying to do things right. And when we finally try: nothing.
Saw GP who did Day 21 bloods – al fine. She then told me I’m too old (at grand old age of 38) for NHS fertility treatment in my area. (Another case of putting a lot into the system and getting nothing back – have been a higher rate tax payer for 14 years). Have been doing acupuncture since February, with a strict, kind, Chinese lady (“Better but not good enough” is what she says every month – feels like the story of my life).
DH is very supportive but quite analytical: compares it to the chance of rolling a 6 at dice – says it’s a numbers game and we just have to be lucky once. (Although, mathematically speaking: if probability (BFP) = 1/6 every month, then BFP (over 18 months) = 3. Yet not a single BFP in reality!)
Feel so isolated. Women at work (younger than me) have already had two, or one and TTC their second. They clearly got their priorities right in the first half of their 30s. Compared to the naïve idiot I have been. Days are minefields of pain:
- Driving to work through local village at school drop off time, parents holding children’s hands. Saw a little girl skip next to her mother the other day, with that lovely moment of connection as their eyes met and they laughed together. A little boy jumping in a puddle with his rainbow umbrella. My heart shattered – will I ever have that?
- My team at work, bemoaning the lack of sleep they’ve had, how x’s nursery have rung and they have to leave early, how x has had really smelly nappies recently. I envy them all of it.
- One woman at work, who moans endlessly about how she wishes she’d delayed having her kids until a bit later. Despite my saying, ruefully, be careful what you wish for. She keeps saying to younger girls in the team – don’t do it, enjoy your life!
- The GP who said to me “well, lots of women now are having their second baby at your age”. Meant to be reassuring, but had the vibe of “you might just get to join the good girls’ club if you’re lucky”.
- The positive thinking brigade – your time will come, just relax, or some other inane vacuous drivel. (I have actually tried Marisa Peer but it had the whiff of victim blaming – if it doesn’t happen, you haven’t been positive enough! Happy thoughts NOW!)
It’s got to the stage where I’ve cried at random moments to colleagues. One man was surprisingly lovely, said that his wife had had two miscarriages and that a lot of people suffer behind the scenes. Another sympathetic GP said fertility seems inversely proportionate to effort. But most people haven’t lingered too long in the world of TTC and don’t get it / don’t want to go there.
I’m going to a private fertility clinic next week for scan and bloods. DH very uncomfortable about SA. I will do IVF if recommended.
My job is very demanding – long hours, stress. Daily yoga helps as does time in nature at the weekends. And reading – the ultimate comfort.
This has turned out far longer than I was expecting. I’m not sure what I’m asking for – I guess: experiences of TTC around this age? How to keep going and keep some semblance of self?
I have a mental bargain with myself – if I’m not pregnant by 40, I’ll resign from my job, sell the property and move away somewhere new with DH. I can’t keep living this way indefinitely.