I'm a bad friend

totally understandable. with every passing month i become more bitter and twisted. i see pg women and am filled with rage. im furious when people tell me that they are pg, it feels like a personal affront and (i hate myself for saying this) i can only be happy for people who have had to "work" at ttc. when their babies ae born its not so bad. because they arent my babies. but when they are pg i feel angry because i should be too.

what has your cons said?

You're not a bad friend at all! You are being a good friend and trying your hardest to be happy for her. You can't help your feelings. I lost count of the number of times that I smiled and congratulated, and then went home to DH and raged to him that X and Y were "taking all the baby luck and there wasn't any left for me".

I can second the "you never know" posts on here too. If you met me in RL you would think that I had two completely normal conceptions, one of them incredibly fast. I certainly wouldn't tell you of all the time TTC "naturally" and then all the months of failed fertility treatment.

I think what you feel is perfectly natural. Your rational side is telling you not to get upset and that you can't expect other people to put their plans on hold but the emotional part of you is obviously going to make you feel upset and... well... emotional.

It's tough but you will get through it and I expect that your friend is sensitive to your emotions but knows she can't stop you from sometimes feeling like you do.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is well meaning people asking 'are you ok about all this' when someone else gets pregnant. I hate the idea that people think I am so horrid that I might be having horrible thoughts about what is a happy and wonderful time for them.

Please don't be so hard on yourself JAB. I've been ttc for 4 years. We ttc for 3 months when I got pregnant with my ds so Its a shock when it doesn't happen next time. When a friend of mine told me she was expecting her 3rd I nearly blurted out greedy but managed to mumble congrats instead. So now her baby is here and she has 3 under age of 4, looks haggered has aged at least 10 years, has bits of baby food over her clothes I'm quietly smug.

I can completely understand your feelings from personal experience. My husband and I had horrendous problems getting pregnant and during that time I found it very difficult to be around friends who were pregnant, especially one who's pregnancy was "a bit of a surprise".

I also think Teuch is right in that people don't like to admit if they've had problems and like people to think it took just one attempt. One friend said they had got pregnant "without even trying" I later found out her definition of "not trying" was not using contraception for 6 months!!!

Please don't feel bad, if you feel comfortable telling your friend how you feel then tell her, if she is a good friend she will understand how difficult this is for you.

Good luck and hope you get there in the end

JAB - it's awful, isn't it? In my case I have FTC for a similar length of time, after actually being your friend in the "just the once did the trick" camp the first time. We assumed we would have horrendous problems conceiving because of dh's health issues, so were absolutely gob-smacked when it really did happen the first month after coming off the pill.

This time around, no such joy. I see pregnant women everywhere and I feel so

Life is brutally unfair. No-one can explain that or make it different, somehow we all have to find our way to make peace with it. Not just with conception problems, although god knows that is truly terrible, but with everything else life has to throw at us. I sometimes burn with envy at my friends who have well husbands, for example, whereas mine is too ill to work or even function, really. I bitterly grieve the loss of a 'normal' family life for my ds as a result, and for my own life as a 'normal' wife, whatever that may mean. The insane jealousy is something I understand very well.

In your case, I think I would be tempted to explain to your friend how difficult you are finding things. Hopefully she will be able to see things from your point of view and, at a minimum, not interpret your silence negatively. You aren't a bad person at all, and simply want a little bit of consideration as to how her good fortune affects you.

Teuch, sympathies to you too. I've never had a mc or mmc either and can't imagine how awful it must be.

I always take people's stories of how they fell pregnant (in RL) with a pinchof salt. For some reason, people don't like to mention that they have been TTC-ing, especially if it takes longer than expected. So, it may not be the case that it was 'just the once'.

Apart from that, this is a totally natural reaction...just give yourself space and time to get your head around it. It is possible to be gutted and sad for yourself whilst being happy for someone else.

My SIL and I had due dates 1 day apart until I mmc at over 11weeks. It was incredibly difficult but we got there in the end!

All the very best for you

You're not a bad friend. You're doing your best to be happy for your friend and to not show her how upset you are. It must be so incredibly hard for you

I think I agree with sleepycat that you could tell her how you feel but make sure she knows that she can still talk about it and you are still delighted for her.

Hope you get pregnant soon.

I haven't any experience of this, but I'd imagine what you're feeling is pretty normal.
for your difficulties ttc.