I'm a bad friend

Solo that's absolutely beautiful

Yes J&B, 14 years and no IVF. I lost my first pg after 12 years(MMC), and finally got my gorgeous boy in 1998. Also lost my 3rd baby in 2005 and got my beautiful Dd at the end of 2006. I feel privileged to be called ' Mummy', and have to admit that Dd was a huge surprise too. I had decided to ' put away' my desire to have another baby. My partner was 49 when we had her and he wasn't a bit happy, though he totally loves her now! I was almost 43 when I had her and had felt that I'd rather keep hold of a good man(for a change), than have another baby, but I could not terminate her...thank you God.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason J&B, so you will do in your life whatever it is you are supposed to do, as hard as it may feel at the time. I know that if I'd given birth to my first baby - as much as I wanted him, I would be in a worse place in every way possible than I am now. By losing him, I've been able to provide for my son on my own, because I got a good job that let me be independant.
Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
Go with the flow of life J&B and stop feeling jealous and bitter. Embrace your child, your friend and her new baby, now, before it is born. You know you really want tobecause you really are a great friend and great friends put others before themselves, don't they? and you will reap the rewards, I promise you.x

Just wantd to offer sympathies. I know exactly how you feel. I'm ttc#2 and my sister is pg with#2. We live quite close and were pg with dc#1 at similar time. so hoped it would happen again but with 2 months left looking unlikely.
I know my sister has been a little more sensitive, since a very cruel comment when she announced pg, ie she's not telling me every little detail of her pg symptoms. I keep trying to smile, and i just hope that when i see the baby it will help me to get over it.

Jealousandbitter you could actually be me !

Its normal, really shit but normal

Ah - thank you Mrstittlemouse. I have been FTC too. Also have a pg best friend I am finding it hard to be genuinely pleased for.

FTC = failure to conceive
MMC = missed miscarriage

What's FTC and what's MMC (as opposed to MC)?

it can help any beans stay put rather than help with conception. your gp can prescribe it

J&B, your consultant should prescribe high dose FA for you.

Don't know that this will help, but it took me 14 years to get my first Dc. I know what you are feeling and you have my sympathy/empathy, though I found I no longer felt envious of others once I had my Ds.
Before I had my son, I tried to absorb myself in my friends babies. I spoiled them, cuddled them, baby sat etc. I pushed away the envy and found I felt better about it all. It is very hard, but unfortunately, like a lot of things we don't wish for(or do), that is life.
Hope you get your second baby soon.x

Jealousandbitter, I have been on the other side of this equation - when expecting my first dd, a friend just stopped seeing me, calling me etc. I had no idea what I had done wrong, and she did not respond to my calls. I found out later via a mutual friend that the day I told her I was pg, she had discovered that she could not conceive naturally, and that IVF was the only way. I wish she had told me - I don't know what I could have done to make it easier for her, but I could totally understand why she felt as she did - I'm sure your friend would too.

Hi

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

I think what you are feeling is infact normal.
I would certainly not call you a bad friend at all. Instead one that is completely and utterly frustrated by a system that is supposed to help!!.

You may be interested to look at this UK based website, I do think they could help you:-

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com

With best wishes

Attila x

God MrsT I really do understand - I just don;t take the attitude that people should be grateful for something which is easy for them becasue its difficult for you (particularly if they don't know that its difficult). But then I was lucky that none of my friends were particularly smug about it.

My mum now has the opposite problme - after my experiences she now assumes anyone who doesn't have DC's has fertility problems and doesn;t considee that it may be choice!

i remember before i was pg with ds and dh andi had been ttc for nearly 4y an old workmate came in with her 3 all under 3 and having to listen to her joke that she has a top notch uterus. at the time i felt a nameless rage but now i understand it a little better. i feel that all my friends with their functioning wombs and casual conversations about coming off the pill and their "disasterous" accidents are taunting me and my non-functioning body.

Oh, I know. 90% of it was that I was so sensitive. There is a culture of "wow, we must be great in bed, and DH must be really virile for it to happy so quickly" with some people though, and sadly I seem to be friends with some of them. Well, not sad that they're my friends obviously. I am very cautious about the whole fertility thing generally, and have tried and tried (without success) to persuade my Mum not to go around crowing about her GC to people who have no DC/GC of their own. I think she assumes that people would tell her if there were "issues", even though she knows that we kept ours a secret!

if everyone found it difficult to conceive then the human race would have died out by now! The majority of people do find it relatively easy - we long term TTC'ers are the exxception not the rule.

I completely understand and hated finding out other people were pregnant. When it was a close friend, I was like you - angry and upset every time I saw her. One month DH and I had a break from hated IUI, I got pissed in front of this friend and told her exactly how I felt but that I still loved her and would love her baby but I found it very difficult to be around her while she was pregnant. I would probably have tried to phrase it more carefully [-blush] but she was lovely. We agreed to speak a lot on the phone rather than meet until the baby was born, she invited me to visit them in hospital on her DS's first day and asked me to be godmother. Anyway, long story but it might be worth gently trying to explain to your friend how you feel about it at the moment.

But its not really smug MrsT unless they know of your difficulties (in which case it would be startlingly insensitive not just smug). Loads of people (in fact the majority) get pregnant wihtout too much difficulty and will often never come across someone who is openly having problems conceiving. And in any event they don;t have any idea how painful it is. The moment I had to accept that I would never get pregnant was an immensely painful one for me but I don't expect anyone who gets pregnant to feel anything other than delighted - why shouldn't they take it for granted if it happened easily for them!

Very understandable. It will help you (and your relationship with your frined) if you can remind yourself when the rage comes that you are actually angry about your situation not hers. I know that sounds a bit daft but I found it helped to think of it that way.

I never managed to get pregnant. Not ever. I know you can get over feelings of jealousy and rage but only if you work at it and probably not any time soon in your case.

I'm not sure thats very coherent.

I did that too - it was OK if someone "deserved" the pregnancy (i.e. they had a difficult time conceiving). I still have the urge to tell people who are TTC (or rather FTC) that I "earned" my PGs.

I still get livid at people who take it for granted though. How can they not appreciate what they have? Or even worse, those that think that they are something special because they conceived first time. I had three friends tell me in quick succession that they had done that wiht all the "nudge nudge, wink wink". So bloody smug.

It does happen - I got pg seven years ago from a one-night stand. I took the MAP, but it didn't work. And I had a termination.

Naturally, I'm wracked with guilt about this, as I've since had two MCs and two MMCs of much-wanted and much tried-for babies. Now when people get pg 'by accident' it makes me feel red-mist-type rage, and guilt. And grief.

When they're born, it's not too bad, I agree. But it's as though when a woman's pg, it's as if she's stolen mine.

I have a cousin who had 4 kids - everyone asked her if the 4th was an accident and at the time the response was that it was yes - just one slip etc.....

More recently she told me they were trying for ages for the 4th and didn't want to tell people in case they thought they were being irresponsible (not much money etc.)

Your friend may be telling you this thinking she is saving your feelings

Either way get some councelling as negative emotions are unlikely to help conception.....

wow, thats a helluva wait! are you on high dose FA too?