TTC after loss part 5

I'm feeling shit today. I don't know if I'm due my period or just run down with life.
I've had a pastry, 3 crunches and countless cups of coffee and I could easily crawl under my desk and cry myself to sleep which would be a bit awkward as I'm in the office today!

I met up with some friends from my antenatal group yesterday they all had their number 2s with them, one has a third too but they left them with grandparents. I'm glad as seeing the toddlers was hard enough. Two of them know about my issues in sorting meds prior to ttc and know that we were hoping to start trying. I went in feeling prepared to talk about it but how do you start the conversation? They were talking about how they had spent their summer. I couldn't exactly say oh yeh I spent July on my bathroom floor hurling up my guts but that ended with the pregnancy. Glass half full I lost that half a stone I'd been struggling to lose. It doesn't really fit after their stories of time in the sun does it!

It's so hard waiting for our bodies to go back to "normal" after a miscarriage. Really hope it turns out positive for you this month ❤️

Struggling with life at the moment, just going through the motions of everything and think AF is going to land at any moment which probably explains why I feel so sad and low.

One app tells me I'm 2 days late and the other says I'm 3 days late. I used my last cheap test on Sunday and it was bfn. I have some frer/cb in the cupboard but don't want to waste them but wondering when my period is going to arrive 🙄

I’m glad you are ok - is it this week you have your scan?
I tried a session with a counsellor before when I was feeling very low but I didn’t like the woman very much. At the moment I feel like I can handle it (for now!) - it’s always there in my mind at all times, but I’m not sat on the sofa all the time not wanting to get up like I was before

@Nic2908 I’m sorry you’re feeling the same too 😔 negative test for me too when I did one yesterday. It feels like we’re just going through life without really living it properly

I’m also on the self pitty and self loathing part of the month. 11dpo and negative. I feel so completely lost that I don’t really know who I have become anymore. Why is tTC so cruel

@Ella31 how are you doing?
I’m alright, feeling pretty fed up & utterly consumed most minutes of the day about loss & ttc

@Joleyjojo i’m sorry you have had a low day. I have also had moments of feeling judgey about people, as it really isn’t fair that it doesn’t work out for some of us

@CurlyWurly1991 Having a pt (and they will tell you) even if you don't lose weight, fat can turn to muscle and in turn it may look like you haven't lost weight but you've toned up and got fitter. I did a 6 week intense fitness course 2 years ago. I didn't lose much weight but my shape certainly changed for the better and I was slimmer. Don't give up hope when you've worked so hard.

I am so sorry we are all going through this. It all seems really unfair. When I walked out of the hospital following my D&C I saw several heavily pregnant women smoking, one shouting at a midwife/nurse saying that her social worker was “shit”. We did everything by the book and seems so wrong .
I appreciate that I sound judgey and awful thinking that way I just felt like it was so unfair.
praying that we all have our time and when we do it is going to be the most magical happiest time. (Trying to have a positive outlook) I have really struggled today xxx

@Ella31 thanks, I'm not sure I will though. I've not got much left to give. I think it's nearly time to stop trying and just move on with life.

Yeah I totally get that @moosey89 people can make all the right noises to make out they understand. But you really don’t know unless you go through it yourself. I do really feel for you, these situations are so hard. Just do what’s right for you, and if you need to leave early, or remove yourself from situations then don’t feel bad about it

Thank you @Wise0wl

@Figtree11 yeah they know my history and are generally thoughtful (at least they were the first time) - I just don't think anyone who hasn't been through this sort of situation can really understand if that makes sense? They will keep the conversation away from me, but I can't imagine no one asking or saying anything. I'm also dreading old family friends asking me about if I have kids etc and that will be much harder to avoid.

Jumping in to say I am so sorry @moosey89, these announcements are so hard. As someone who got called out for not having the ‘right’ reaction to a close family member’s pregnancy announcement, I just wanted to say that you don’t owe them any particular reaction, and the most important thing you can do is protect yourself as best you can. Sending love xx

@moosey89 do they know what you’ve been through? Could you say to your brother you’re struggling & to not chat about it much in front of you

It's my dad's wedding this weekend so I have to see them there as well. Horrible timing. And my dad's partner's daughter was due late August so I imagine there will be chat about her baby too. I think I might just go for the ceremony and leave right after the dinner. I don't want to face anyone 😞

@curliegirlie that’s so so tough, I’m really sorry it’s been a difficult journey for you. It is so difficult watching peoples lives play out how you want them to for yourself

@CurlyWurly1991 I’m sorry you are having messed up cycles too. But hearing that you are makes me realise how normal it can actually be after loss. I just want to snap my fingers & everything be ok.
How are you feeling now about your decision on not TTC?
That’s great that you’re enjoying exercise, I feel like I need a hobby. I too gained weight in pregnancy but only a couple of pounds to lose now. Just struggling with motivation to do anything

@moosey89 that’s such difficult news to hear, I’m sorry. Life just is so unfair

I'm sorry - it's so unfair ❤️

My brother and his wife are pregnant with their second. They only started trying a few months ago. Just had 12 week scan. I'm utterly broken.

@Figtree11 i totally get where you’re coming from. My cycles have been messed up post the second MMC too. Just starting AF now and so must have ovulated CD 57. I’m tracking ovulation to avoid rather than try to conceive (for now, but most likely permanently). I have a GP appointment booked to discuss contraception in 2 weeks but don’t want anything hormonal so will probably stick to tracking and condoms for now in case we change our minds back.
Also annoyingly I have realised my weight gain over the past few months is probably hormonal and associated with the pregnancies. I signed up to a 12 week programme at my gym with a personal trainer that involves measuring, weighing etc. The PT is a young male and he didn’t ask/I didn’t say I had recently had miscarriages. Despite exercising more than ever I’ve realised I’m a dress size up (now an 12) and about 5kg heavier than before the MMCs. I gained a lot of weight when pregnant with my daughter, I’m sure it’s a hormonal thing. I have the final weighing coming up with the PT soon and am dreading it, think I’ll just cancel. I probably haven’t cut myself enough slack given what we have been through.
It’s so frustrating having the weight gain though with nothing to show for it!
On a positive note though I am really enjoying all the exercise.

Big hugs for everyone in this draining process. I'm something like 33 cycles post MC in March 2022, just entering my TWW but without any chance this cycle as I think we only DTD 3 days before my positive OPK so it would be a bloody miracle. In this time I've seen 2 colleagues in my team announce pregnancies and go off on mat leave, various mums at the school gates, it'll be the two year anniversary of the due date this November and all I've had in the interim is one definite CP (and a couple of maybes). Yes I'm 42 but know so many people (friends and relatives) who have managed it in their early 40s, why not me.....😩

@Mummysparrow its so difficult. It’s 7 weeks since my last period. Might have ovulated a week ago, but I’m not sure.
I have been DTD every 2-3 days for 6 weeks now 🫤 We are fed up of it now!
Feeling very fed up now. Should be here with a 2 month old. Or I should be 30 weeks pregnant. Instead I am here worried about it all, and just desperate to be pregnant.

Sorry I’m no help, but you’re not alone in how you’re feeling