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Original poster

TTC after loss part 5

985 replies

Ella31 · 04/08/2024 18:18

Just continuing our old thread. I've added anyone who has asked to stay on here. As always, anyone who is trying after a loss is welcome to join and those who have been lucky since are welcome to encourage those who are still waiting for their rainbow (if you want to stay of course )

Also for the next thread, I'm going to let someone else take over creating the new one if people don't mind. I've a lot on at the moment with tests and I'm back to work in the next few weeks after my bereavement leave with my boys. So if anyone would like to take the mantle, feel free.

Im 2dpo today and have another ultrasound on Wednesday to see if follicle has burst followed by pdg blood test.

@Onthedouble123
@DonnaWhat
@moosey89
@Bellebg
@Lovedatforme
@Ncl31
@PearlCat
@LucyCL
@CadoAvo
@ThelastRolo20
@Figtree11

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Original poster
Ella31 · 04/09/2024 14:23

jellyfish2 · 04/09/2024 14:16

How you're feeling is completely understandable. Wishing you lots of luck for your scan ❤️

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Thanks @jellyfish2 I try not to comment to much here about it as I get it, that it might annoy other posters here who are trying, but yeah it's definitely not easy. I've accepted life won't be the same after my sons but this anxiety around this pregnancy has floored me. Anyway, it'll be fine. Each day as it comes, how are you doing? Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella31 · 04/09/2024 14:20

CurlyWurly1991 · 04/09/2024 12:32

Solidarity @CadoAvo AF is just starting here too. If my first MMC had resulted in a successful pregnancy I would have a 4ish week old now. Old school friend sent me lots of pics of his new (first) baby yesterday, born when mine would have been. I asked DH how he’s feeling and he says he didn’t give it a thought 🤷
take good care of yourself xx

@CurlyWurly1991 my dh was really similar after my first loss at 8 weeks and i was so angry. He told me a year later that it was easier to put it to one side, I think that's how they deal with it sometimes. He also said it was when he saw our late twins at the 12 week scan that he fully realised he was going to be a father. They think very differently to us sometimes.

I hope you are ok after your friend sending you pics? That's really insensitive and unfair. Did they know you had a loss? I'm so sorry. I hope you are doing a bit better today

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Original poster
Ella31 · 04/09/2024 14:16

Mummysparrow · 03/09/2024 20:48

Cycle day 19 and had a lot of ewcm today but still low LH. Hoping the leak is on its way. Even had some cramping.
How many months post loss is everyone? I am 3 months post loss and I am not entirely sure where that time has gone

Edited

It took me 8 months post neonatal loss to conceive again. After my early losses, it took 3 the first time, 1 the other. It can vary so much

OP posts:
jellyfish2 · 04/09/2024 14:16

Ella31 · 04/09/2024 14:13

Thanks so much @ThelastRolo20 I'm so scared, the last pregnancy ultrasound I had - was them telling me my beautiful boy was dead and 4 days later i had to turn off life support on his brother. I just can't bring myself to invest right now. I feel like a horrible person to feel this way.

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How you're feeling is completely understandable. Wishing you lots of luck for your scan ❤️

Original poster
Ella31 · 04/09/2024 14:13

ThelastRolo20 · 04/09/2024 11:34

I have everything crossed for you tomorrow lovely. You so deserve your happy ending ❤️

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Thanks so much @ThelastRolo20 I'm so scared, the last pregnancy ultrasound I had - was them telling me my beautiful boy was dead and 4 days later i had to turn off life support on his brother. I just can't bring myself to invest right now. I feel like a horrible person to feel this way.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 04/09/2024 13:51

Thanks @Ella31 i was brought up by my grandparents who lost a child in infancy after he was born with a heart problem. They looked for the joy and love in everything. It has always stuck with me. I have a pretty good memory and have friends, family and acquaintances who have all experienced pregnancy losses, still births, neonatal losses, prem births, losses in childhood and in fertility. I do try to be mindful that you don't know what a person is going through behind closed doors. I had a brief chat with my friend at lunch. She was lovely x

My sugar binge yesterday has turned out to be hormonal and my period started last night. It's my first since the miscarriage so it feels a bit like a clean slate. Sorry others are on their periods today too. Fingers crossed for our next cycles x

CurlyWurly1991 · 04/09/2024 12:37

It’s just that sense of a loss and a gap in what could have been your story. I find it really hard to visualise an alternative for us right now as I was expecting to have a small baby or be heavily pregnant by now. It’s like my life is in pieces and I need to work out how to put them back together again. Like other bereavements I have had. I don’t think DH feels it in the same way and I guess it’s because it wasn’t his body going through it so it was never very tangible.

CurlyWurly1991 · 04/09/2024 12:32

Solidarity @CadoAvo AF is just starting here too. If my first MMC had resulted in a successful pregnancy I would have a 4ish week old now. Old school friend sent me lots of pics of his new (first) baby yesterday, born when mine would have been. I asked DH how he’s feeling and he says he didn’t give it a thought 🤷
take good care of yourself xx

CadoAvo · 04/09/2024 11:38

@Ella31 please keep us updated with the scan, sending you lots of good luck 😀

Well my period did arrive yesterday so glad I didn't waste another test and counting down the days until we try again. I've been thinking a lot about the girl I met last week who is due 5 days after my would be due date and think its really hitting home. I've been good at putting my big girl pants on (or rather, burying my head in the sand) but now I just keep thinking about the bump I should have had and everything else it comes with. Work is a struggle, I just want to lie in bed all day at the moment. Hopefully I'm just feeling shit due to my period and will perk up in a few days 🙃

ThelastRolo20 · 04/09/2024 11:34

Ella31 · 03/09/2024 19:48

It is, Thursday morning.

I understand. I wish there was something I could say or do, but you remember how lost I was before this pregnancy, I was on my knees. It took 8 months to happen. So you are barely out of your recent loss, so you are very much in the early days of trying again since that so i know that beautiful little bean is just waiting for you. I really do xxx🥰🥰🤞

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I have everything crossed for you tomorrow lovely. You so deserve your happy ending ❤️

moosey89 · 04/09/2024 08:11

@Mummysparrow I'm on cycle 4 since my most recent loss. Nearly 5 years since my first loss, 7.5 years since I first started trying for a baby (there was a 2.5 year gap in the middle as I got divorced).

Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 22:40

Ella31 · 03/09/2024 22:05

Same @Figtree11 you were so supportive during my dark days.

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❤️ xx

Original poster
Ella31 · 03/09/2024 22:05

Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 21:54

Thank you. I appreciate you a lot xx

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Same @Figtree11 you were so supportive during my dark days.

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Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 21:54

Ella31 · 03/09/2024 21:42

Please do hold on @Figtree11 August marked two years into my journey into mine with hope at the end of it. Always here for a chat xxx

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Thank you. I appreciate you a lot xx

Original poster
Ella31 · 03/09/2024 21:42

Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 21:05

@Ella31 i will be thinking of you on Thursday & hoping you get some reassurance. Please let us know how you get on.
Thank you, I’m over a year into my TTC journey now & just tired of it all. Trying to hang onto hope. Thanks for the little pep talk ☺️

@Mummysparrow im 4 months post my most recent loss now. About 9 months post my first loss. I hope ovulation is just around the corner for you.

@Superscientist i’m sorry you’re having a bad day. I find it comes in waves. Can have a good day, then feel like I’ve been hit by a train with it

Please do hold on @Figtree11 August marked two years into my journey into mine with hope at the end of it. Always here for a chat xxx

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Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 21:37

@Mummysparrow it’s been absolutely rubbish hasn’t it. Not yet, my recurrent miscarriage appointment is in November

Mummysparrow · 03/09/2024 21:19

@Figtree11 I remember us speaking earlier this year. What a year it has been for us. Have you had any investigations as of yet?

Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 21:05

@Ella31 i will be thinking of you on Thursday & hoping you get some reassurance. Please let us know how you get on.
Thank you, I’m over a year into my TTC journey now & just tired of it all. Trying to hang onto hope. Thanks for the little pep talk ☺️

@Mummysparrow im 4 months post my most recent loss now. About 9 months post my first loss. I hope ovulation is just around the corner for you.

@Superscientist i’m sorry you’re having a bad day. I find it comes in waves. Can have a good day, then feel like I’ve been hit by a train with it

Mummysparrow · 03/09/2024 20:48

Cycle day 19 and had a lot of ewcm today but still low LH. Hoping the leak is on its way. Even had some cramping.
How many months post loss is everyone? I am 3 months post loss and I am not entirely sure where that time has gone

Original poster
Ella31 · 03/09/2024 20:31

Superscientist · 03/09/2024 16:54

Thanks @DonnaWhat I would have felt ok talking it about it but just couldn't find the right time or way to bring it up. It's a bit out of the blue as they didn't know I was pregnant. The friend at work I have been speaking to knew I was pregnant having heard me throwing up at work so at least half the conversation is known.
I'm seeing one of them again tomorrow, it might be easier not in a group and it's a bit more low key in a toddler group rather than a day out.

I'm on the train home now, just need to not fall asleep! It's a local train so the furthest I can go is the next train over so it's not like I'll end up in the other side of the country if I do. Been reliant on sugar and caffeine to get through the day. It's not so much that I care too much about that. It's more what it says about my mood. I have tomorrow off work so hopefully can get a bit of rest. Just feel utterly out of energy today. I have been struggling to get to sleep for the last few weeks and my daughter's not been sleeping that well. I think it is all just catching up with me.

I'm glad I have this group too, I have been speaking to a colleague but it's easier to be pessimistic and voice inner fears when it's not with real-life people.

How are you doing this afternoon/evening @DonnaWhat ?

This group gets how you are feeling because they know loss, it's hard when your are in real life and others move on when you are stuck in grief. You are doing amazing to be getting out there though. So well done.

There's a woman at work who has three boys all under 6 and literally spends her time giving out how hard it is to have 3 toddlers under 6. She derails the conversation every time to talk about that. No word of a lie.

Last November she messaged me two weeks after my twins passed in the nicu for coffee. She burst into tears about how she didn't cope with her 3rd baby during covid. I drove home in tears after wards because although I emphatise, she wasn't being sensitive. I had just burried my two baby sons.

My point is i hope you are protecting yourself. You sound really considerate of others and I get how you didn't bring your loss up but please take care of yourself and as always reach out here if you need anything to talk about. Like others I've been around the block with loss, so im happy to chat xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ella31 · 03/09/2024 19:48

Figtree11 · 03/09/2024 06:46

I’m glad you are ok - is it this week you have your scan?
I tried a session with a counsellor before when I was feeling very low but I didn’t like the woman very much. At the moment I feel like I can handle it (for now!) - it’s always there in my mind at all times, but I’m not sat on the sofa all the time not wanting to get up like I was before

Show quote history

It is, Thursday morning.

I understand. I wish there was something I could say or do, but you remember how lost I was before this pregnancy, I was on my knees. It took 8 months to happen. So you are barely out of your recent loss, so you are very much in the early days of trying again since that so i know that beautiful little bean is just waiting for you. I really do xxx🥰🥰🤞

OP posts:
Superscientist · 03/09/2024 19:41

I find work is good for keeping me busy too. I hope getting back into a routine helps too x

She's probably the best of the 3 to speak to. The other two are a bit too chirpy and upbeat. I expressed my concerns about having a 50% chance of getting post partum psychosis or severe depression again to one of them once and her reply was "well it's a 50% chance you won't". Yes true but when it's a repeat of something that could have cost me my life or my livelihood I didn't want optimism just an appreciation that it comes with risks and consequences and just generally rubbish. My risk for pnd in general is higher than 50%.

DonnaWhat · 03/09/2024 17:29

@Superscientist I'm doing good, tired and nauseous but keeping busy with work. Tomorrow's a new day! My girls are back to school tomorrow so will be nice to get some normality back to our routines. You might find it easier to open up to your friend one on one rather than a group setting. Maybe just explain to the friend that you didn't want to announce in a group setting but you had a miscarriage not so long ago and you could do with a friend hug. That might open up the conversation a bit x

Superscientist · 03/09/2024 16:54

Thanks @DonnaWhat I would have felt ok talking it about it but just couldn't find the right time or way to bring it up. It's a bit out of the blue as they didn't know I was pregnant. The friend at work I have been speaking to knew I was pregnant having heard me throwing up at work so at least half the conversation is known.
I'm seeing one of them again tomorrow, it might be easier not in a group and it's a bit more low key in a toddler group rather than a day out.

I'm on the train home now, just need to not fall asleep! It's a local train so the furthest I can go is the next train over so it's not like I'll end up in the other side of the country if I do. Been reliant on sugar and caffeine to get through the day. It's not so much that I care too much about that. It's more what it says about my mood. I have tomorrow off work so hopefully can get a bit of rest. Just feel utterly out of energy today. I have been struggling to get to sleep for the last few weeks and my daughter's not been sleeping that well. I think it is all just catching up with me.

I'm glad I have this group too, I have been speaking to a colleague but it's easier to be pessimistic and voice inner fears when it's not with real-life people.

How are you doing this afternoon/evening @DonnaWhat ?

DonnaWhat · 03/09/2024 15:46

@CadoAvo I have everything crossed for you. I'd be getting a test. I couldn't hold out. Good luck.

@Superscientist miscarriage is I feel treated very taboo. I've been very thankful and grateful for this thread and the ladies that have come and gone on this thread because without them, I'd have had no one to talk to who understands what I've been through. I wouldn't even know how to approach the subject with my friends. They known if they have any questions I'd always answer them but it's one of those, friends don't want to ask incase it upsets us and I wouldn't want to approach my friends incase I made them feel uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with having a junk day! I'd love to curl up under my desk about now 😆