First Timers - slightly depressing question

Prepg - ds was 6 years down the line - and he was natural, despite nearly going down the IVF route twice. But I do think that is a really good idea to have a timescale/event cut-off agreed or at least discussed - we had decided that if mp came back we would stop trying and see if we could adopt. But, thankfully, we have a wonderful ds instead.

Don't you dare Nomore... I needed to know the process, I couldn't carry on with my head in the sand too much longer could I? I will certainly be looking to you to for what it really feels like. But I have always felt freaked out by it.

sorry ready was that me who put you off?
I'll tell you first hand that it's not all that bad in a few weeks time. I think it's the thought of it that's worse than the actual doing it IYSWIM? (as it is with so many things we're scared of doing)

Herby pmsl - that would be some shock at 73 ... my mum is 51 so, not impossible (except for the tubes) but highly unlikely.

Can I confess to having a totally irrational fear of IVF - the mere thought of the procedures brings me out in a cold sweat. I really don't know what I would do if that was the next step... I said recently that I had decided I would do it, for dh, but then I read something about the process and it put my right back to square one.

Another feeling is almost a negative one, rather than thinking 'I want children', it's 'I don't want to NOT have children', or have the option taken away.

Ready - Roffle. That's a good-y. If my mum was pregnant I'd fall over with shock - she's 73!

herb That is so true about the medical advancements in fertility and there always being another option to consider. I have a friend who is undergoing IVF, using donor eggs - it has all been a real struggle and she has been trying unsuccessfully for 2 years. When we talk about it - she says that she is exhausted and sometimes she just wishes that she knew when to stop, but she always has this nagging at the back of her mind that she hasn't tried EVERYTHING yet...

I have a friend who started IVF but gave up during the 1st cycle because it made her feel so awful. They applied to adopt, got accepted and told that it would be likely to be sometime over the next 18 months - only to be told 2 weeks later that there was a 7mo, could they take him asap! now very happy family. We would have tried for adoption if mp problems had reoccured.

You know, it's quite sad... so many couples struggle with conception - and yet it is rarely talked about. It's almost as if there is a stigma attached - I am very private, and so only a handful of people even know we are trying - and I even regret telling them sometimes, as the expectation is visible/audible all the time, and I am getting sick of saying "nope, not yet"... my poor Mum has stopped asking.

Speaking of Mum... a little anecdote, that might give you all a smile. Chatting to my Mum on the phone, she mentioned that she had been having odd cravings and her dp had said "you're not...you know?" and she laughed and said "no, unless my tubes have reconnected" ... I said "well, if you are preggers, you can stay in for the duration, and I will wear a padded belly, like Brie" - we had a good giggle... then I relayed this conversation to dh who said "oh, I thought your response would have been 'if you are preggers I might as well shoot myself now'" ... oh how well he knows me, because that is what I was thinking

Been thinking about this some more over the weekend. I met a friend on Friday who's been having terrible trouble - at least three goes at IVF, only one stuck, and that miscarried. She's now going abroad to have IVF with donor eggs.

With all this medical technology, though imperfect, it's so hard to know when to give up trying for your own, when to turn you attention to adoption, or to being childless, or really come to terms with your situation. There always seems to be another option to consider. If you can get impartial advice, that is...

Hi again. It is reassuring to hear some of other peoples ttc stories, as herbgarden is right - you do tend to look at people with the 2.4 kids and assume that it was easy for them. Spoke to a colleague of DP last night and they have just conceived #2. DP 'casually'asked him if they had been trying (we had assumed not) and he said "oh yeah, she had all these charts and stuff and told me when it was the right time!". We were both shocked then cos he said it had taken 3 months and his MW said that was really really quick. My point here is that we must try not to assume things about others IYSWIM.

I have had a rough few days as managed to convince myself I have PCOS. I'm not hairy but do seem to have some of the other symptoms. Have put on nearly a stone since coming off pill 4 months ago, never get a +ve on the OPK sticks and my temp chart is like the himalayas! I'm putting off going to doc's as yet. Too scary . Finding this thread very helpful so far...well done ladies!

Very sad to hear about the mc's and wishing better luck soon

Ok ladies......please don't shoot me down for intruding on your thread....- like mistlethrush I too have a ds (and am TTC#2).... but I nipped in to have a read and I thought I'd share some thing with you . One thing I've found interesting is that I didn't realise until I had DS how much people keep to themselves about the journey they had in TTC their babies. All those ladies in my ante natal had a completely different story...and amongst my friends (most of us in our late 30's) we have IVF success, several years of trying and success, a friend who had unexplained fertility and was told she probably wouldn't get pg and then left her dh, found herself with a new dh and then got pg straight away, friends who might have had one quickly have never been able to conceive #2 and friends who took years to conceive #1 and then at the drop of a hat got #2 oh and of course those who just seem fertile as fertile can be ...........So, please don't give up hope....I know lots of you have friends with kids but no-one ever really "fessed" up on what they'd gone through until they were out the other side....

If it's any consolation I always thought I was really maternal and then when I fell pg suddenly panicked and got the fear of god. When ds arrived I had some quite serious panic attacks for the first months feeling so totally overwhelmed by fear of looking after a small child. Once I'd managed to get my head round it, it was fine, but even my most unmaternal friends have surprised themselves by how they feel about it once their dc is here...

I am also ashamed to say that I am the irritating woman at the traffic lights who gets beeped - honestly you tell yourself you will never do these things but you do. I try to act like I'm so COOOL about things but I amuse myself with it now.

I may well start rambling here so I'm off and apologies if I've upset anyone...don't want to at all appear patronising but I just want to wish you all well and sprinkle some positivity this evening ......

Hiya,

Just wanted to say big grins at the trying on/buying maternity clothes, I'd have done it too if I had the balls (2pgs, but early miscarriages both).

Instead I now buy all clothes with pg in mind, thinking 'this has got a bit of room on the waist/is empire line, so will be useful the first few months I'm pg'. Cos I always think it's going to be this month, so there's no point buying slim fit jeans etc! Have been ttc just over a year now, so have effectively worn unflattering, ill-fitting clothes for a year, and still no frigging baby!

Herby, what your DP said wrenched my stomach. It totally sums up the dream that we're all chasing. I hope SO much that we catch it... regardless of not being able to imagine it, I bet all the chicks on here would be amazing mums!

PrePG - also sorry that it happened to you

but on the upside, my sister who is five months pregnant is only just now starting to get a sense that she is actually going to be a mother and that it's a baby rather than an extended bout of indigestion that's occupying her abdomen, so perhaps being able to imagine it is not totally necessary....

i really couldn't imagine being pregnant (or myself with a baby, really) until i was - then i could really clearly envisage the whole thing. but after about three weeks i suddenly stopped being able to visualise my lo and it subsequently turned out that i'd had a mmc.

now unable to imagine it happening at all - hoping that this just because i have no imagination...

Sorry, still here - I've got a lot in common with you all, apart from the one thing - a fantastic ds - but we did have to wait 6 yrs for him. He is the light of my life, and is intelligent and sweet and lovely (apart from when he is being a complete monster) - but I try not to go on about it too much

I couldn't imagine myself with a child - but it happened.

1st time round, I bought a jacket for work from Formes in their sale - I then had it glowering at me from the back of th wardrobe for 2 more years before it was any use. Next time round, I didn't get anything until about 14 wks - when it was absolutely essential as I couldn't realy fit into any trousers anymore! BUt all purchases, and baby ones, were left as long as possible really, for the same reasons that you are all now feeling.

So, positive message - I had a really bad start, a long wait and didn't think it would happen for me, and it did, and he was really worth waiting for.

And, yes, I'm fb too!

this is great!!! I have that leper feeling, and I was working as a nanny. People just assume because you're looking after other peoples children you dont want one of your own!!! Just feel like saying - I cant try any harder you smug gits!!!!

PrepG - that is such an admirable attitude. One of the (many) emotional issues I felt during my miscarriage was how Pregnancy would be ruined for me...the first few weeks of the next pregnancy would be spent in fear of another miscarriage instead of the fun excitment my DH & I felt the first time around. I was soooo jealous of my friends who were newly pregnant (and were very excited) as I was worried I would never have that again.

Having read your post, I also hope that I also can be excited and silly next time around...

herby I can only imagine how tough this must all be - do the doctors realy have no idea? what a nightmare...I am so sorry...

I've had all the tests - though had to go private, as NHS couldn't give a toss - and I've got nothing the matter. Tho the last two MCs (the ones before weren't tested) had chromosone problems - trisomy 13 and 18.

I feel especially hard done by sometimes, as my last three miscarriages all got past 10 weeks, all had scans with heartbeats, all looked viable and likely, so in each case I'd allowed myself to get excited. If I ever get up duff again I'm going to wait until I'm about 32 weeks before I buy any maternity clothes?

I felt like that too, I was just convinced that all the fertility treatment was a waste of time as I would never be pregnant. I ended up going to a fertility counsellor as I was driving DH nuts.
For what it's worth, in the end I was one of the lucky ones (it just took longer for us).