We are trying for a baby and I’m so excited but my parents are not

I would also listen to other posters saying he doesn't want to marry you. When you say, yes he does just not right now, he just wants a super-duper wedding in the future - well guess what that's what a man not wanting to marry you looks like. No man says hey, guess what, I'm a massive bastard, I want you to have my child to entrap you, but I won't marry you. They don't say that. Of course not. They say what he's said to you. Please know this

I was going to say the same thing! Very common thread on here....unfortunately the savings tend to never get to 'wedding' point especially as the amount of kids and pressures increase. Stalling tactics

Gooor Kirk

Is there somw big back story you're missing?

My mum like I'd just told her I had cancer when I announced our pregnancy. And then started going on about how worried she was and how she wouldn't tell her husband yet (not even my father). I'm an awesome mum, I own a house, we are building a second house, my partner is bloody incredible and we are financially sound. There is literally nothing to worry about, our life is awesome and is just going to get better. Some people are just miseries. Don't let her ruin it for you.

It sounds like in telling her your pregnancy plans, you threw in the info that you'd be able to work and have an additional baby because she would help. I think that she's being very clear that if you have another baby, she's not going to be your babysitter. So make any decision with that in mind.

Hi OP, quick question. Who is the higher earner in your relationship? Who has more assets in the relationship?

Most women who have babies with the partner who wants to “wait and have a big wedding in a few years” find that the wedding never actually happens. There will never, ever, be a time in your life when it makes financial sense to have a big wedding. And once you’ve had children with him your partner will slowly lose interest in the big wedding idea. Yeah I know ‘your man is different’ everyone thinks that OP and men change a great deal. Do not let your partner decide this for you.

I really recommend that you have a lower budget small romantic wedding and then try for the baby. There is nothing romantic about waiting a decade to wear a £2k dress you can’t wear again and buying dinner for hundreds of people you hardly know. Why not be a little more imaginative and design your own wedding?

And of course don’t wait until your forties lol half the women who try to get pregnant in their early forties can’t, plus the risk of downs system is a big deal.

Your mum sounds very worried for you. Get married, then have baby, then decide as a couple how long you’ll sahm for.

Who owns the house?

Who is the higher earner?

I think that's a bit of a red flag tbh, when will be the 'right' time then? It's not the party that's important, its the security of marriage before having a baby and taking a break out of your career.

Ignore your mum but please make sure you are not rushing into a baby because of your age, its a lot easier for him to placate you with a baby if he isn't actually 100% about marriage, because its you that will be left holding the baby if he leaves.

You said you've worked so hard to get to where you've got to, and that your mum is concerned you're throwing away your career. Even if you don't like your current job, I think it's a huge mistake to just chuck in work to look after children, you may never get a meaningful career (even one you do like!) back.

Do not. I repeat, do not, have this child without the marriage first.

The things your DP is saying is exactly what every thread on here says when the man has left her high and dry holding the children. Down to the woman insisting he was never the type, and she can't believe he's done this.

Seriously OP. There are hundreds, probably thousands of threads that almost quote your DP word for word. All with women who were certain their DP would never be this way.

Your mum clearly thinks the same. Did you use her for your childcare with your first? And she naturally assumes she'll end up doing the same again? Or can see history repeating itself so to speak and that your DP is not going to be a long term partner, so she's cross that she's going to be picking up the slack of a useless ex DP again?

This is quite worrying the more you think about it. Genuinely, no children unless he marries you. Tell him so. You'll soon find out his true intentions.

Get married before you have a baby and take a career break. It would be very stupid not to. You can have a ‘wedding’ later on down the line, but get married in the registry office asap. If your DP doesn’t want to do this, I’d seriously put any baby plans on hold.

Other than that, tell your Mum to mind her own.

You are clearly close enough to your mum to tell her you about to have sex with your boyfriend so… I think she see’s more than you realise but probably don’t want to see. Giving up a career (whether you think it is fulfilling or not) and brining a new baby into a relationship with two other children with zero protection (and even then frankly I think you should have a serious think about that part and the implications) is a bad idea and I expect your mum worries that you will be left high and dry again. I don’t blame her for being firm about the childcare, I am sure she was a big support to you when you were last left on your own with child (since you appear close enough to have this discussion with her). The best thing to do would be to take a head over heart look at this relationship and wonder why she may have reacted like this. I suspect you won’t though.

No idea why you're tell anyone you were trying to conceive.

Apart from that she may well think three years isn't long enough to add another child to your family.

Did one of you move into the other one's house or did you purchase the house together? What is contact time like for your children, are the other parents involved 50/50 and does your mother provide childcare currently?

I ask these questions as the answers might explain your mother's reaction. Three years to date, move in together and blend families, deal with co-parenting and get engaged, then try for another child seems a brisk pace.

Why should you go through pregnancy, permanent body changes, labour, injury, breastfeeding, vulnerability, etc, but not with the safety net of marriage?

You need some security before putting yourself into a position where you're reliant on a man to take care of you.

We know people who had a small wedding for practical reasons and then a massive christening party. There are always good options for a big party, so I'd get married first

Do they help you much?
How often does your DD see her DF. Not 50/50??

You’ve not really answered whether you will be receiving support of your Mum if your baby plans go ahead?

There is no way I would deliberately plan to be financially reliant on someone else while simultaneously impacting my ability to earn by taking time out from work without the legal protections that come with marriage. Especially not when the children involved aren’t jointly shared between you. (The older I get, the more aware I am of things like wills, custody arrangements for children and so on.) And definitely not without it being a shared choice with shared understanding of the impacts and burdens that result from a decision for one parent to step back at work.

Even then, I absolutely wouldn’t do it in a house that’s not big enough. With your plan as it stands all there is is increasing costs and outgoings with reducing income. That’s not a circle that’s easy to square, and on top of that it’ll be in a house where you’re all top of each other once you do have a baby. It’s a recipe for some very difficult times, which will likely impact negatively on your relationship.

Small wedding, financial planning to assess what’s feasible, difficult conversations about ‘what happens if….’. Then talk about babies.

Also there aren't as many 4 bed houses around as 3 beds so you may struggle to relocate

A few things, I do not mean them to sound harsh but assume you want honesty.

Firstly, don't tell your mother! You're an adult.

Secondly, a child together will HUGELY change the dynamic between the family. The two existing children should be your priority in this decision. They may be better off with your focus on them. Don't go assuming an "us" baby will bring the family together it could quite easily blow it apart.

he said he wanted a bigger celebration lol (role reversal?!) and said let’s save up more money
Not really a lol. For a lot of people that would be a massive issue.

Finally, you have clearly done well for yourself, creating a career and being able to support your child as a single parent. This is no easy task. Your mum is just worried you'll throw it all away for a bloke you aren't married to who could walk away and leave you holding the baby

By the same token though, I wouldn’t tell my mum I’m trying to conceive. I’m an adult and that’s a decision for me and DH to make privately