CD1 ttc after loss carry on thread #3

@samilicious I still lurk on here but just wanted to jump on to say I am so sorry you’re feeling down and is it any wonder with so much on?! You’re dealing with so much, and it’s enough to knock the strongest person for six.

I have no solutions for you but to say that I hope you MIL recovers soon, and the work news is shit but a job is a job and in all likelihood something will come up, even if it’s badly timed with TTC and not the right job long term, but a stopgap.

I have no solutions to the friends thing, it’s just shit. Even though I’m pregnant I still find the giddy glee and lack of concern of so many announcements astonishing and a bit of me rages that now I’ll never have a pregnancy so blissfully unaware of anything going wrong.

Sometimes all you can do is take things step by step and day by day, and make sure you give yourself some TLC and cut yourself a bit of slack in the meantime. Sending love xx

Ugh I'm probably symptom spotting but I feel so down tonight. Worse than I have in so long and nothing really prompted it - just want to cry but can't. Just suddenly hit me that we nearly lost one of my favourite people, found out my job/company was in danger this week, found out I didn't get any of the jobs I spent ages applying for, my friend in the remaining non-pregnancy-friendgroup is going to announce her second pregnancy tomorrow (heads up from baby daddies) and no idea what's going on in a few weeks with childcare/work with my MIL out. First world probs and trying to stay posi for good ttc vibes but suddenly feel like I've been hit by a bus :( this happened with a previous preg and subsequent loss too (lovely symptom - existential dread/depression)

@HerbaceousPerennial hahahaha! I'm sorry but I love the EPU joke, if we can't joke about it we'll only cry. Sometimes I call our tfmr "the wonky one" - I have no idea why, it hurts my soul, but feel like making light of it will make it lighter. Feeling hopeful but annoying because I haven't in so long - tww is becoming agony. Halfway through it - CD20 today.

@Ladyinpink1 different just in terms of ovulation not being clear, and just in how I'm feeling in general. Until today, felt so much more energised and not had as many mood swings or memory/mind fog moments. That's deffo more down to the food and step count uppage though. Also I'm deffo symptom spotting but I still BF my 3 year old before bed and there was nothing there today. I might even test early this month just so I don't get my hopes up 😅 that's good that your body is showing all the good fertile signs at a normal time! If I've ovulated early I'm a bit scared, ovulated really early when I had TFMR and later when I had DD 😕 yay so happy about the port! Are you able to dtd different times of the day this cycle? Managed to dtd in the morning that one time as well as evening so hoping that helps (my mate's theory)

@13lucy oh no doubt at all how tough it is! I wouldn't manage half as well as you have. I know, how quick has that time gone?! Which one are you going to again? I'm London on 20th but live nowhere near London 🤪 going with my much neglected long distance uni bff. Are you excited for it? Something to break up the waiting game over the next few weeks at least xx

@HerbaceousPerennial thank you, it hasn't been easy! I'm not usually not very open with things but the miscarriage has made me work on it.

I'm doing alright thanks, just trying not to overthink things too much. How are you doing?

@samilicious oh good, glad it’s not just me! Worst one was joking about a loyalty card at the EPU - not good. I think they must be used to people saying slightly weird things in shock though. Anyway I will spare friends and acquaintances now and use your tried and tested format, thanks. What CD are you? Are you still feeling hopeful? Hope your MIL is doing ok.

@13lucy sounds like you’re doing a great job as manager - I think it’s really good to just be human with people though and your team member probably really appreciated your honesty. How are you getting on at the moment?

@Ladyinpink1 thank goodness it’s not just me either! I was a bit shocked when I read it back that I sounded so bitter, but it is I think very common to feel this way. I just think people tend not to say it for fear of upsetting people. I am very not relaxed at the moment 😂 but each time I’ve fallen pregnant I have actually been ‘relaxed’ because I thought I’d missed the boat or whatever. So it’s right, but basically impossible. Like trying to not stress when you’re actually pregnant again! I am hopeful too though. It’s lovely when I get these little bursts of positivity so I’m trying to hang on to them.

@Ladyinpink1 indeed! It gives you a different perspective for sure. Haha I'm still ok, just always finding something or other to worry about! Hope you're doing ok too?

@samilicious thank you, it's tough trying to be professional with it all but I do feel my heart sink every now and then!

Doing ok thanks, starting to look forward to Foo Fighters now as it's not long away! How are you?

@HerbaceousPerennial ditto on the rage thing, and the awkward jokes thing 😂 it's taken a lot of awkward overshares to get to this point of phraseology. I've never actually spoken to Tommys before, so glad they could help you feel better

@13lucy I remember you talking about the person you're managing - so sweet you got to have that moment together. I think you're doing really well considering - if you forced yourself to be all OTT about the pregnancy stuff it might have come out a bit false so staying quiet deffo better, especially in a professional setting. How are you doing?

@HerbaceousPerennial I definitely get the anger element and I really resent people who have a positive TTc/pregnancy experience. I can't understand why anyone would do a baby shower or gender reveal when there's so much that can go wrong! I think it's because that's been taken from me that it comes out as anger and resentment to others.

I spoke to Miscarriage Association but not Tommy's. I've heard good things though.

@Ladyinpink1 it's so true about being hyper sensitive to it. I'm managing a lady at work who is due in a few months and feel like such a bad manager for not really talking about her pregnancy. Luckily we did have a 'moment' when she told me about the pregnancy and said she had a miscarriage the pregnancy before and I told her I'd been through the same thing, so I know deep down she will understand.

Also, I spoke to a Tommy’s midwife today about things I should speak to my GP about on the miscarriage front and it was so useful. Guessing lots of folk on here have been in touch with them but this was my first time contacting them and it’s made a big difference to how I feel about things.

@samilicious this is a very good way of putting it. I’ve said before when people have asked that I’d love another one but it’s not happened yet, which always feels a bit unsatisfactory, I think because it doesn’t cover what’s happened. I like the idea of being truthful but upbeat about it, might steal this phraseology as I have a tendency to make awkward jokes when I’m uncomfortable and I think if I tried to do it on the hoof it might come out oddly! I agree, I think most people are just trying to be nice when they ask about these things so I don’t want to release the rage beast at them! I’m never actually angry at people who say the wrong thing, I’m just angry in general. Thanks for being so kind. We all have a lot on our plates and this thread has been so good for me. Massively appreciate everyone on here!

On speaking up @HerbaceousPerennial @Ladyinpink1 - I have started to when asked 'do you think you'd have another?' I just say 'well fingers crossed - we were meant to, due last July, but it didn't work out. Still trying, feels like it's taking forever!'
Even just saying that makes me feel so much better. Working up courage to say it anecdotally as well without being too much of a negative Nancy but still getting it off my chest in a decent way. Sounds absolutely ridiculous I know and totally downplays the sheer misery of it all, but makes me feel less left out and ends on a good note that can start a light hearted chat at a baby event, saying the unspoken. I think people want to say something nice sometimes but they don't know how so they just ignore it and that makes it worse

Sorry double essaying today!

@purplecolouroffunk sucks it was your scan day too. I think that desperation is natural, I definitely had it too, though that doesn't make it feel any nicer. Then had a good few months of hiding from ttc "trying not trying", now back with full force positivity that it is going to happen and looking after myself as best I can to make it so. We'll see what phase is next 😂 I'm sure you'll be much quicker to catch than me. They say fertility changes around 37 not 30 now, and most of egg quality is determined what you do 3-6 months before conception vitamin/BPA and phthalate exposure-wise if that makes you feel any better ♥️ it's still so fresh, dreams are our body's ways of processing things I think

@HerbaceousPerennial ugh tell me about it - my DH did an "experiment" on devices listening to us by shouting "cat food" into his phone every few hours. Sure enough, he got an ad for cat food on social. Minutes spent on TTC research: zero. I might start shouting "fertility" and "semen quality" into his phone to see if it does the same 😉 you've had so much on your mind, it will take you by surprise. I think we're extra hard on ourselves sometimes because we feel like we're failing and getting something wrong. You're doing so bloody well considering all you've got on. I'm the same in 2/3 of my friendship groups. In the 3rd, one of them had a molar loss recently (would be second) and I'm sure another in the group is about to announce. Happened so much you think I'd be bloody used to it by now but nope

@Ladyinpink1 in the night is a good theory! Don't think using a mixture of test types helped either. I feel like something is going on hormonally different for me this cycle because it's the first one taking all my new vitamins. Interested to see when, how long and heavy AF is if nothing else! Pacing yourself dtd is a good strategy. I wonder what the maca will do to your cycle this time?! Good feeling about you soon too. So annoying the ladies in your family are like that. My friend was like that, assuming things would be fine, then ended up with a molar. Your dream is so interesting! Manifesting that BFP 🙌🏻

@Ladyinpink1 exactly! Although it does depend who it is, sometimes I do just say it if it’s someone I trust. But then sometimes they look so sadly at you, or with sympathy or pity, and then I get upset. That’s awkward then in a public setting, I don’t really like crying in front of people. The other thing I find is that I almost want to shock people with it, like I want to give them a blow by blow account of what’s actually happened just to see their reaction. Like a fuck you, this is what it’s actually like. This is why I’m not ok. No it’s not like a period. Yes you can be in and out of hospital for 3 months miscarrying. And then have it happen again. No you don’t ‘just know’ I’ll get a baby at the end of it all, nobody knows that. I haven’t done the rage reaction to anyone though, probably for the best! Nobody has said anything to set it off or anything, I’m just quite angry about it all in general really. Clearly.

@Ladyinpink1 thanks, your rant did help! I feel like there are just babies everywhere at the moment, it’s like death by a thousand cuts isn’t it. One comment is fine. Two are fine. Even a dozen are fine. But I’m finding whole conversations, whole events where I’m putting on a brave face, not pitching in with my pregnancy stories because I feel it’s awkward for people when they know neither of them worked out, nodding and smiling at all the comments, trying not to calculate how old my babies would be vs all the others… it’s exhausting. A lot of mental energy. And that’s when people are kind and understanding!

@purplecolouroffunk @Ladyinpink1 ah the dreams! Yours sound quite hopeful, fingers crossed a good sign for you both

@Ladyinpink1 thank you. Doing a test on the 12 week scan day was always a bad idea. I think part of me thought, oh wouldn't it be amazing if I got another positive on the 12 week scan day! So I just did one to check. It was a rough day but I'm feeling a lot better today - more optimistic. An end of January, but possibly still in that that suuper long stretch before payday would have been a nightmare anyway, is what I'm trying to tell myself 😅

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and when I put my hand on my tummy I could feel a heartbeat. But I woke up feeling sort of hopeful about it rather than sad. Second baby dream I've had this week. It's interesting you had a dream too Lady! It's so all consuming isn't it.

I've had some spotting the past few days and it's a bit heavier this morning. So have just stuck a tampon and and conceded that it's my period arriving at a weird time due to the MC last month. Feels kind of nice to be free of the TWW again tbh - on to the next cycle!

@HerbaceousPerennial thank you 💜

It's possible I ovulated later (although I did use OPK) but if I did then I think sadly it won't time up with DTD :(