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Original poster

How to deal with people asking "when is it your turn"

31 replies

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 21/08/2023 15:28

I don't know if I just need to rant or if everyone else feels the same way
How do people deal with being asked "when is it your time" or "when are you going to have kids" "is it not about time you had kids" "are you not pregnant yet"
We have been struggling to conceive for a couple of years now and are waiting to start IVF, only our closest family and a couple of close friends know the situation as it's not exactly the type of news I want to shout about.
I am so sick of people and even family members asking when we will have kids, I always want to reply with a really abrupt answer or something really sarcastic like "I'm not a fortune teller I thought my ovaries would of done their job by now!" But I'm always so taken back by the question I just usually say something along the lines of "oh we want a few holidays first" or "our dog is our baby"
I have recently been to a baby shower which I didn't really want to go to but did and I must of been asked 10 times by different people, it's getting to the point where I am dreading social situations, we have a family party this Saturday and I am already dreading being around people that are going to ask the dreaded question because all it does is reminds me for the rest of the night about the situation we are in, I'll go home get upset and feel down all Sunday feeling down, but in the same breathe I can't put off everything single family/social event and become a hermit!
I suppose my question is how does everyone else deal with this? My emotions are all over the place at the moment, I even took a few days of work last week and spent a full day crying, I think it all just got on top of me and I needed to let it all out!
TIA x

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Original poster
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 22/08/2023 16:47

@whomoon That is so true! I also don't want to come across like I'm looking for sympathy because I'm really not, this is just how it is! I might try your approach and see how it goes x

OP posts:
whomoon · 22/08/2023 16:35

HopeHopeandmoreHope · 22/08/2023 16:03

I agree it shouldn't be something that is hidden but in my mind I always feel like the first bit of baby talk I have with someone is to say we're expecting, not struggling, if that makes sense! I also get very emotional about the subject so I don't want to end up in tears every time someone asks! I take my hat off to you for being so strong and good luck with everything x

Show quote history

I am a very emotional person too, and the first few people I told I cried about struggling to conceive. But, the more I talked about it, the easier it got. Sometimes I still get to a point of welling up because I’ve talked about it too much, so I’ve learned where my boundaries are and to keep it fact based.

I understand what you say about the first time you usually have baby talk is when you’re expecting, and it’s almost similar to the effect of social media; where we are quick to share the best news, and keep the bad things to ourselves so as not to bum anyone out, or make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes sharing the bad news is cathartic and and keeps it real.

those are my thoughts however, you’re strong just for even going through this x

Original poster
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 22/08/2023 16:03

whomoon · 22/08/2023 15:00

The more we/society talk about infertility, the more awareness they’ll be and people will be more mindful of asking.

We have been TTC for over 2.5 years. We are open with telling people, I like people to know it’s not that easy for everyone and it doesn’t just happen to ‘other people’, it happens to the person who is standing in front of you.

I agree it shouldn't be something that is hidden but in my mind I always feel like the first bit of baby talk I have with someone is to say we're expecting, not struggling, if that makes sense! I also get very emotional about the subject so I don't want to end up in tears every time someone asks! I take my hat off to you for being so strong and good luck with everything x

OP posts:
YogaHurts · 22/08/2023 15:58

Good luck with your IVF 🩷

YogaHurts · 22/08/2023 15:58

We are a similar age and the questions are constant!

I am finding this stage of life very baby-centric. It's worse on the weekends when I end up at my mum's where all my siblings and their kids are. Or any family event or gathering. It feels so intense and like having a baby is the be all and end all. Gets me really down. Everyone seems to really want me to have a baby too.

Then I spend time outside of that setting, or catching up with a childfree friend and realise it doesn't seem such a focal point anymore. We talk about jobs, holidays, family, relationships, books, music. It's a nice break. I still want to be a parent but less child-centric company is a welcome distraction and I remind myself there's a whole life out there that doesn't revolve around babies!

Sagittarius25 · 22/08/2023 15:32

I used to just smile and say "not yet", even when it got to the point where we were trying but obviously didn't want to tell anyone. People then cottoned on I wasn't going to provide any more explanation and that was that.

Wishing you all the luck with your journey.

whomoon · 22/08/2023 15:00

The more we/society talk about infertility, the more awareness they’ll be and people will be more mindful of asking.

We have been TTC for over 2.5 years. We are open with telling people, I like people to know it’s not that easy for everyone and it doesn’t just happen to ‘other people’, it happens to the person who is standing in front of you.

Original poster
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 22/08/2023 14:53

Thank you all for your replies, I'm glad it's not just me that finds the question extremely rude. I understand people who have never had the struggle won't understand I just wish people who be a bit more aware it's not as easy for everyone! I best getting practicing my responses for Saturday! X

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poptypingchef · 21/08/2023 21:33

I’m so sorry people are so insensitive. I had a friend who was OBSESSED with my timeline for children… we don’t speak anymore after she did something underhand related to it.

I would bat away answers with anything from a flippant ‘probably not this week’ to ‘it looks like hard work’. Eventually I just got blunt and would say ‘WOW! Do people still ask that?!!’ It had the desired effect.

I wish you all the luck in the world for your IVF

MorningsideMaisie · 21/08/2023 21:07

Agree with PPs, a dose of the truth might make them think again before asking such an insensitive Q. I usually go for a vague “we’re working on it” or “it’s (next) on the to do list” and change the subject, unless it’s someone I’m happy to share more with. All the best with IVF 💐

PuddleSplosher · 21/08/2023 19:51

I think a good response would be:
‘I really advise you not to ask people that question. You don’t know people’s circumstances and it could be a really hurtful thing to hear.’
It always surprises me how many people ask that kind of thing. It’s not out of badness but I think it’s important they’re made aware of the impact of such a question without shaming them. That response also doesn’t reveal anything about you because you’re keeping it general. They may draw their own conclusions but they’ll do that with whatever you say.

Chopnchange · 21/08/2023 18:09

Are these people a similar age to you op or younger? They might be ignorant to fertility issues and haven't yet experienced people having ivf and miscarriages and stillbirths. Took me until my 30s until I did. Probably didn't really realise what a stupid question it was until then.

Lots of good suggestions above. I'd practise one of them and be bold. I'd probably go with the 'ah come on, haven't we all related we shouldn't ask people that yet?' Good luck with everything

Bearcheek · 21/08/2023 17:54

People can be so insensitive and ignorant, just today I had a relative stranger catch me off guard with the most insensitive comments on this topic. They weren't direct questions at least, but still felt awful.

I liked the "do people really still ask this?" suggestion.
You might also consider "I don't usually discuss my sex life in these settings" or "oh are we discussing sex lives? You go first. How is yours?" Bit of a sideways step that might feel less raw for you, but would hopefully make them feel uncomfortable! Or realise how inappropriate they are being.

Good luck 👍 xxx

CrazyArmadilloLady · 21/08/2023 16:43

People are unbelievably dense and insensitive - just when you think they can’t surprise you, they plummet to new depths.

You could try just being honest. I know it’s none of their business, but if it a). shuts them up, and b). makes them think (and maybe not ask the same question of someone else), it could be worth it.

’We’re struggling with infertility’ is simple, straightforward and honest. And will hopefully make them feel so bad that they wish they’d never asked.

And if they try to get into with you, just say you’d really prefer not to talk about it - that’s why you don’t bring it up. That might hammer home how insensitive they’ve been.

Bilingualspingual · 21/08/2023 16:33

Ps I wish you well and hope it works out for you.

Bilingualspingual · 21/08/2023 16:33

I always went for factual and shaming. “I’ve just had a miscarriage actually. “

Original poster
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 21/08/2023 16:31

@Utereusbegone so sorry to hear that, sending you all the love xx I think that is the only way to deal with people asking!

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Utereusbegone · 21/08/2023 16:26

(Obviously that was my situation, hopefully you'll have a good result with IVF)

Utereusbegone · 21/08/2023 16:24

I used to just be very direct back. A 'I can't have children, but thanks for bringing it up' usually shut them up

Original poster
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 21/08/2023 16:22

Whataretheodds · 21/08/2023 16:17

"Seriously? Do people still ask that? I naively thought it just wasn't a thing any more"

This is also a good response to those people.

Yes your right it is!

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Original poster
HopeHopeandmoreHope · 21/08/2023 16:21

ItWasneaMe · 21/08/2023 16:13

Seriously? Do people still ask that? I naively thought it just wasn't a thing any more. Sad for you that people think they can pry like that.

Best of luck whatever happens. X

Unfortunately yes, a lot! I'm almost 29 and been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years so I think surely people would realise by now we have either made the decision to start trying and it's not happening or that we don't want children, either way it's no one else's business!

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Topseyt123 · 21/08/2023 16:18

People are just dickheads! It really doesn't take many brain cells to work out just what an insensitive and tactless question this is or why!

They are just thick. Give them the barren uterus answer suggested by a pp. Watch them squirm.

Whataretheodds · 21/08/2023 16:17

"Seriously? Do people still ask that? I naively thought it just wasn't a thing any more"

This is also a good response to those people.

ItWasneaMe · 21/08/2023 16:13

Seriously? Do people still ask that? I naively thought it just wasn't a thing any more. Sad for you that people think they can pry like that.

Best of luck whatever happens. X

Whataretheodds · 21/08/2023 16:07

I would love to be able to smile coolly and say "gosh, what an intrusive question!" And then either slide away or change the subject.