Sperm donors and not knowing your genetic heritage: what do you think?

*Crikey this is an OLD thread

For all intent and purpose my biological father may as well have been a SD. I grew up having never met him, had one grainy black and white photograph and apparently I have 2 half sisters that I've never met.
In all honesty I had a strong curiosity whilst growing up, but as an adult I don't feel I've robbed of anything. So long as the family life you do have is loving and understanding.

I donated my eggs and I choice to make the not on public record. Which means no they cannot come find me. I believe this is the same for sperm.

Yes Maryz, I can't tell you how great it is to thank my lucky stars that I wasn't an abortion!!!! Using the 'you wouldn't exist at all' argument is in my book worse than cruel. It makes you feel guilty for being alive.

Pamina - it's not you, it's the board software (it doesn't seem to like having commas embedded in the URL).

I believe nurture dominates nature, although the 2 interact. The counter argument to Pinker is that the human genome project showed how incredibly genetically identical humans are; extremely little genetic variation from one person to the next, compared to other mammals. Lots of genes are expressed randomly (eg., left or right handedness), or depending on environmental factors (susceptibility to asthma might be an example). Which is why it's so difficult to separate nurture from nature.

The great hunt for obestity genes drives me batty; because obesity is overwhelmingly a lifestyle (ie, environment) induced condition.

Tangential random thing to say: one of my aunts gave up a child for adoption. Broke her heart. They got back in touch about 5 years ago; very very emotional situation. Very weird to have "instant full grown cousin". She looks just like her half-sisters, too. I suppose many potential sperm donors don't even want to go near those issues.

hear, hear maryz

Ikwym, Harrysmum, about generations of rootlessness. I only discovered my paternal grandmother's proper name and both my pat-g'parents' birth and death details this year. They died in 1911 and 1918 and my late dad was raised by his aunt. He knew nothing of his family. I eventually obtained a copy of my g'mother's death cert and was surprised to find I was absolutely overwhelmed with emotion when I held it in my hand. I've now got quite a bit of info and was even contacted by a distant relative, though she has recently passed away. Although I've yet to contact anyone else I now know I have loads of distant cousins and I find that amazing to contemplate.

As to the eggs/sperm, I think the eggs are more contentious because of what the woman has to go through to donate. I've heard there can be side effects in later life from the drugs they use, which would worry me if it was my dd's.

Rootlessness does extend beyond one generation but then maybe I just come from an odd family!! Both my grandmothers were adopted. One one side my grandfather died long before I was born and there is no connection with his family (he was RC, my g-mother CofE and so he was cut off from his family - a continuing source of much bitterness 50 years on for my g-mother). On the other my grandfather died when I was 2 or 3 and my grandmother when I was 8 , so before I started wanting to know more about my extended family. It is quite odd feeling like our family only starts 2 generations ago.

I do think that sperm donors should take more responsibility for their actions than it simply being an easy earner to top up income. The consequences of their actions are huge and I believe that children should be able to know more about their origins if they so desire.

As for the egg scenario - don't understand the fuss at all if it's ok for the boys to do! Somewhat better than working for escort agencies which is what some girls I went to University with ended up doing.

Has anyone else seen this story about women selling their eggs to fund university fees? What are your reactions? I wasn't sure if this should go on the 'student fees' thread, actually.

I guess we can only speak from our own personal experiences. My younger sister is adopted - now 22 yrs old! Something we have never hidden, but never made a big deal of either. Infact she is more of a child to my mother than the birth children (another story altogether). There has never been any issues with identity, and from her perspective to date she has expressed no desire to seek her birth parents. If, and when she chooses to, then I am sure we will do all we can to help her in her quest. In our case she recognises that circumstances were such that her birth parents had to make a very difficult decision, and put her forward for adoption. I would imagine that more often than not, it is circumstances that warrant children being put forward for adoption. I am truly sorry you feel that you were unwanted by your birth parents Bugsy. Have you tried to trace them, if only to have your questions answered? Do you feel it would be betraying your loyalty to your parents if you did?

I do not know much about the mechanics of sperm donation, but I agree with you that there should be a system whereby some level of information should be kept as a record e.g. medical history, colour eyes, height etc. It may already be available. Sperm donors should however, IMO retain their right to privacy. Also the off-spring would know their maternal heritage.

Adoption, sperm donation, not something I am against at all, and would happily consider, indeed welcome and embrace. I firmly believe issues regarding identity are not limited to children/adults born into adoption, sperm donation etc. I am of mixed race, and mixed culture and I like that.... but my goodness, for some the persistent questions like 'Who am I?', 'Where do I belong/fit?', and even 'Why should I have to choose?' are other issues that multi - racial / cultural people, regularly face and live with. I don't know if I am being very coherent, but what I am trying to say is that I feel questions regarding knowing, understanding and accepting our identity are not limited to sperm donation, adoption, sexuality etc.

Oh dear WWW, what HAVE you started???

I've re-thought my previous post! It's not so much that I don't believe in genetic traits (I'm too like my mum for that), more that I believe a family comes from how you are brought up than from what happens at the moment of conception.

I take everyone's points on rootlessness, but I think we are questioning larger society issues than simply sperm donation. Extended families used to cope with much more frequent death (in childbirth for example) in the family through the virtue of the fact that you had a whole sense of your place in the world/your relatives/the land you live and work on. I'm not suggesting we go back to the feudal system but perhaps there are ways that parents of children conceived in this way can fill the gaps.

I agree with bugsy - donor info but no name would help.

It is all very well looking at sperm donation purely from the view of the anxious adult hoping to conceive. However, I really do think that it is worth remembering the thoughts of the child as it grows up. I can only speak as an adopted person but it is quite hard to reconcile oneself to the fact that you were unwanted by your original parents. I imagine in the case of a sperm donor child you have to accept that one half of your parentage didn't want you at all, just the tenner.
The yearning to 'know' for the majority of adopted children is very considerable and this is why various measures have been put in place to make tracing their biological parents easier.
This is why I think that there should be lots and lots of information available about the sperm donor but that the donor should be completely anonymous. I think that if you know that you can never find your parent then it is easier to deal with that definitive situation than if it is a possibility. Try and imagine the reality of tracing someone who's only contribution to your life was a quick squirt in a test tube. For the sake of both child and "father" I think it should not be possible.

I know someone who's had a baby thanks to donor sperm, and can see the joy it's given to that family..but I also feel nervous about how to respond to those affected by feeling 'lost' because they don't know about their genetic heritage - and also the donors who probably don't want inquisitive biological children turning up on their doorstep in years to come. I've gotta log off now, but this has really made me stop & think.

I've changed my nickname for this thread. I believe that raising a child/children in a way that will instill love and confidence is the most important thing. It does not matter how the children came to be. My mother is the sort of woman who has isolated everyone within her family to the extent that there is a whole branch that neither my brothers nor I have met. I know I have an aunt, cousins etc, but I would not know them.

My ds is an IVF baby, and believe me, I would have no hesitation in using sperm donors if it meant that I could have another child/children, not only for myself, but more importantly so my little one would have siblings with whom to share life and family. IMHO, I feel that issues in identity are not limited to sperm donation - the disintegration of the family, tragedy, displacement, etc are but to name a few. Being a sperm donor does not make a parent.... whether we knew them or not. For me it is not about nature vs nurture, but a mixture of the two. I know my parentage, but do you know, I do not know much about the medical history and if truth be told, I am doing my damndest to be anything like my parents. Sperm donation? Yes, I would use them ,and thank goodness they are there as an option available to those who go through the trauma of coming to terms with living with an instinct that the body can not fulfil. As regards questions in identity - I guess all I could do is cross that bridge when I came to it. I would not hide anything, (as I believe that suggests there is something wrong with that), but neither would I flaunt it. I respect my childs' right to privacy. One thing I have learnt, and continue to do so since becoming a parent is that I do not have the answers to everything. All I can strive to do, is answer queries, and deal with problems as best as I can when they arise. I will look to my ds' personality, and hopefully know how to answer any questions he or any future siblings may have. The old adage of 'You never know what you have got until you have lost it' is so true.

can I just add something else to this discussion about not knowing one side of your family tree.

I knew both my parents, yet in many ways I did not know my father at all. From my childhood onwards, mental illness and the side effects of curative drugs meant much of my dad's personality was hidden. I have other people's memories of him to go on, but even these are very sparse and don't answer my questions. Even my mother did not know him for long before his illness took hold. His famiily were very distant in all senses of the word.

Now my parents are both dead, and I have few other relatives, I feel quite rootless. I am the last of two dying family branches. No one is there now to remember my childhood with me, but this of course will happen to us all one day.

The few relatives I have now can only offer broad generalisations to questions I ask. At the relatively young age of 44, I cannot compare the personality traits, habits or talents of my sons, or a maturing me, with anyone on my side of the family. Of course I am better positioned than sperm donated children - I have my own memories of both parents, so I can look back. But that's not enough sometimes. I need my memories correlated by others.

So just to go back to the disucussion, IME you don't have to be the product of sperm donation to feel you'd like to know your roots.

One of my dh's friends was a sperm donor when they were both at university. He says has no interest whatsoever in any children conceived as a result, is appalled to think they might turn up his doorstep if the law changed, definitely wouldn't have donated if he thought there was the remotest chance of that happening! He says he didn't do it for altruistic reasons, just the cash. The proponents of disclosure of sperm donor identities (similar to that in adoption) say this would mean men coming forward who had more of a an altruistic approach to donating. But I'm sure it would reduce the pool drastically. However, the big difference between losing a genetic parent young and a sperm donor, is that at least you can know the name of your parent, something about their personality from those who knew them, see a photograph etc. For some people it's the fact that their genetic parent is a complete black hole in their lives that bothers them. Obviously, this wouldn't apply to everyone. I have adopted friends who really don't want to find their genetic parents.