Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

We both want a second baby but husband avoids sex

65 replies

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 15:39

Hi there,

im not really looking for an answer as such more just to vent and see if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation?

Basically our sex life has declined a lot over the years. I don’t have a massive sex drive but would like it more often. We both really want a second baby, my first is nearly 2 years old. We talk about it all the time and husband will even bring up the topic on his own. But the problem is every time my fertile period comes around he’s “too tired” and we only manage to DTD once (twice if I’m lucky). It’s been since December now and nothings happened. I have tried explaining the whole process to him and why we need to dtd more than once during my fertile week. He listens and agrees and promises that next month he will try but every time he just refuses. It’s now at the stage where he says I’m making it weird, putting too much pressure on him, nagging him so he has asked me the last two months to “back off” with my advances and “not to mention it at all” just let him know when it will be and HE will make the first move. So I’ve taken this onboard, stepped back and waited. Both months we have only dtd once on the day I get my positive opk.
We had the same problem trying to conceive my son and the first time he finally went along with my schedule of dtd 4 times during my fertile week guess what!! We fell pregnant! I’ve tried to use this as an example. But nothing works and I’m getting so frustrated at the situation as there is nothing I can do. He is now getting super defensive about it all which is making it worse as now I feel like I can’t even mention ttc without him shutting me down for “nagging”.
Every month I track my ovulation and it’s heartbreaking knowing when your ovulating but not being able to try.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

also just to add I am 100 percent sure that he definitely wants a second as he insists he does and talks about it without any prompting from me!

OP posts:
FridaRose · 06/07/2023 02:28

I made it subtly so not too obvious btw

FridaRose · 06/07/2023 02:27

I 'hid' ovulation days from my husband, never told him.

On ovulation days I'd wear make up, perfume, and somewhat revealing clothing around the house Grin always did the trick - we had sex all around the days I was ovulating.

A lot of men are put off by 'have sex with me because it's ovulation day'. It takes out excitement and spontaneity. They want us to 'want' them Smile

tableofjelly · 05/07/2023 18:33

"People have been conceiving since the dawn of time without knowing exactly when they ovulated."
@Mumtothreegirlies

Because they've been having sex a lot for many years and from a young age without contraception.

Not OPs situation.

SnookyPook · 05/07/2023 14:26

@Lola19 so sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm also 37 and know all too well how loud that ticking clock can be.

I think @Bluebell0921 offered some great advice.

Couple of other thoughts.. you've mentioned him being workaholic a couple of times. Is it possible he also has some financial concerns? Particularly with current financial situation! I think men feel the pressure to 'provide' a lot, and perhaps this is conflicting with his genuine desire for a bigger family and contributing to performance anxiety? Maybe not even consciously.

It does sound to me like the issue is also a bit broader than just to do with TTC as you mention his sex drive being generally quite low. I take it this hasn't always been the case? He may also be feeling insecure about his own attractiveness as you say he's not able to get to the gym etc.

In this situation I think I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of... "I know we both want another child but it feels like perhaps you're not in the best place right now for wanting to try straight away? Obviously with my age this is a concern for me, but I'm also worried about what is going on with you and how you're doing. Maybe we should take a couple of months without TTC and just inject a bit of fun back into our relationship? Does this sound good to you?" Then, put the opks etc away (I know .. this would be hard!) and just focus on having some fun together with no expectation of sex etc. It will be frustrating to have a couple of months off but may pay dividends in the longer term.

hennie222 · 05/07/2023 10:49

Similar situation here, after several years of trying and a MMC, DH more and more saying too tired. He's a workaholic too. He's had semen analysis and bloods and all ok there with his hormones.
We've been using a pot and syringe some times around the fertile period to help take some pressure off. But on a referral waiting list for IVF too.

40andtrying1 · 05/07/2023 10:25

This sounds very similar to my husband. Low sex drive and never seems keen to have sex - rather go sleep. He has even got very angry when I’ve talked about when we should have sex etc.
my husband never touches me in a sexy way, and that makes me feel sad sometimes. I like to be touched. Though he is an introvert and seems to go ‘into himself’ when dressed with work.
He is also a workaholic and gets up in the night to go work snd returns at 5pm the next day.
I’m beginning to think he has a problem with testosterone.
my husband has a sperm test next week.

Beginningless · 04/07/2023 23:23

Och I feel sorry for you both. Ttc in that ‘opk now go for it’ was a bit grim in my experience, took all the joy and things didn’t flow. DH didn’t like it either, too contrived. Personally we stopped after a few months of that and tried to take the pressure off. Reading on MN it sometimes seems like that’s the only way but I think there’s a lot to be said for giving that all up and just having sex when you both feel like it. What was your sex life pre kids? Why do you think he’s awkward discussing it?

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 23:14

bladebladebla1 · 04/07/2023 19:47

😂😂😂😂 you get how TTC works right?

Show quote history

People have been conceiving since the dawn of time without knowing exactly when they ovulated.

Mumtothreegirlies · 04/07/2023 23:12

I think it’s the pressure of it. Men tend to like to be the dominant one. If you try and force it and start chatting about ovulation it’s a massive turn off and turns you into a baby machine rather then a sexy women. Buy some toys, and turn it fun. Leave the ovulation and fertile week stuff at the door!

tableofjelly · 04/07/2023 23:05

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/07/2023 16:00

It is a bit weird to be like it's a positive OPK let's have sex!

I would just relax and let it happen when it happens, don't do anymore OPKs and just give it a year.

Completely normal and it works.

My baby was conceived the week we thought was probably my fertile week and we went way OTT and did it a truly unnatural amount of times, more than when we first met. Exhausting, a bit forced, and it worked.

Go to your GP and get a referral to a fertility specialist (you could ask them to also put your partner's name on, but he might have to be at the appointment with you) then ask them to do IUI.

They can track your cycle, find out exactly when your ovulating and insert his sperm right into your fallopian tube. Not pleasant, but the pressure to have sex is gone. He will of course have to masturbate into a cup on the right day.

Brining him to such an appointment will also make him realise how serious you are, the lengths you'll go to and that it's not ok to just leave it to such low chances but only having sex once a month. Whilst in the appointment you should ask the specialist in front of him about your chances of conceiving as the female ages above 35 and hopefully he should be shocked into action.

Original poster
Lola19 · 04/07/2023 22:15

@FoodFann thabks so much for replying. It helps to know that other people have similar problems! Although obviously I’m sorry you are going through a similar thing. I did read a post on another forum from a few years ago with someone going through a similar thing and a common thread seemed to be “had a stressful job and was too tired”
That’s a really good idea with the flower on your bed stand! I’ve actually been resorting to texting him (even if he’s in the house at the time) because it’s easier than saying face to face “ hey im ovulating” when im fully aware it’s a total turn off for him! So trying something similar might be a good shout! Thanks x

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 04/07/2023 22:11

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/07/2023 16:00

It is a bit weird to be like it's a positive OPK let's have sex!

I would just relax and let it happen when it happens, don't do anymore OPKs and just give it a year.

Not weird, actually very common…

bladebladebla1 · 04/07/2023 19:47

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/07/2023 16:00

It is a bit weird to be like it's a positive OPK let's have sex!

I would just relax and let it happen when it happens, don't do anymore OPKs and just give it a year.

😂😂😂😂 you get how TTC works right?

FoodFann · 04/07/2023 19:45

I have the exact same problem OP. This month has been much better, but last month we DTD once or twice.

Same reason: he’s too tired because he works too much. I have also turned on all the tricks - lingerie, perfume, candles, wine etc

A few weeks ago, I ended up telling him, in tears, that I was really upset by the feeling of sexual rejection and that I really need him to change his attitude and help me conceive this baby, enjoyably and lovingly! I told him I won’t come onto him but if he sees a flower on my nightstand it means I’m fertile and we need to have sex 😅 It’s really worked because I don’t need to explicitly say the words ‘I am ovulating’ (passion killer!) and he gets to feel like he’s in the driving seat.

It’s great that your DH is so on board with growing the family. It’s very tricky to keep the spark alive when it’s peak time. My friends have had the same struggle. Please don’t let MNers tell you it’s ‘weird’ or ‘worrying’ that you and your DH can’t have constant sex.

Best of luck and lots of baby dust to you! 🤞🏻🍀

Original poster
Lola19 · 04/07/2023 19:32

Thank you @Keha it does give me hope! It’s just that we have been trying since December only managing to BD once most months and it’s not happened yet. But you never know we might just get lucky!

@HiCandles lol you know the way I’m feeling I actually would do that if my husband agreed! I do not think he would agree to it at all! But maybe suggesting it might help give him a nudge?

@Bluebell0921 your comments are so kind! Thank you!

OP posts:
philautia · 04/07/2023 19:28

I couldn't be with someone who wanted sex once or twice a month and who rejected me when I made advances (I'm not talking about during your fertile window, but in general).

He's only young at 35 - you say it's been declining for years and he avoids talking about it and blames you for pressure. Is sex actually good with him? If he won't do anything about it, then I wouldn't be looking to have another child with him.

olympicsrock · 04/07/2023 19:27

Could be worse … I wouldn’t make too big a deal at this point or you could make it worse

Golaz · 04/07/2023 19:24

Could you try pot and syringe when he’s not in the mood for sex? Would he agree to that?

Bluebell0921 · 04/07/2023 19:20

Lola19 · 04/07/2023 18:55

During my fertile time once a week occasionally twice. Outside of that when we aren’t trying to conceive id say once a month and that’s with me trying to intiate and being rejected a few times.

I will say as well I have been going to the gym and make an effort to look my best for him most days in order to try and ignite something so i really am trying so hard!

This makes me sad. I promise you it is very very unlikely that how he is feeling is anything to do with how attracted he is to you.

HiCandles · 04/07/2023 19:19

This sounds very frustrating OP. When trying for my second my husband sometimes said similar but did then get on with the job so I feel for you that he is saying he wants another but not making any effort towards it.
Completely last resort but obviously some people do get pregnant this way, and if he feels sex is just too much effort, could you suggest that he, er, produces the necessary into a cup, and you insert using the old turkey baster?

Keha · 04/07/2023 19:15

OP, with both of my DC we only had sex once around the time of ovulation, so I wouldn't give up hope if that's all you are doing.

Dummycrusher · 04/07/2023 19:03

Omg definitely do not tell him to get his testosterone checked, that will drive him even further into his shell. Have a look at avoidant attachment and see if that rings any bells. The more you lean in, the more he will run away. It's a pain in the arse to address I'm afraid.

Morred · 04/07/2023 18:56

Try leaving it to him to initiate but when he brings up second child, family of four, etc say quite matter of factly that you'd rather not talk about it as you're anxious your fertility will decline and it will never happen. See if making it a bit clearer that he can't dream about this helps him along?

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 18:56

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/07/2023 16:00

It is a bit weird to be like it's a positive OPK let's have sex!

I would just relax and let it happen when it happens, don't do anymore OPKs and just give it a year.

It's really not weird when you're TTC for a while. Almost everyone who isn't lucky enough in the first few months ends up in this situation.

Original poster
Lola19 · 04/07/2023 18:55

During my fertile time once a week occasionally twice. Outside of that when we aren’t trying to conceive id say once a month and that’s with me trying to intiate and being rejected a few times.

I will say as well I have been going to the gym and make an effort to look my best for him most days in order to try and ignite something so i really am trying so hard!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread