Am I crazy to want a 4th child at 42??

Hi Raisin YankeesinParis,
I just saw your post and while I have never posted online but only ever scrolled through other people's post I really wanted to reply to you.

We are thinking about a 4th child and I am 40 with the youngest being only 7 months. For me the two main considerations are if my husband would be fully on board (can our marriage take another few baby years of total sleep deprivation and no couple time) and second, will we be able to give them all the time they deserve?

For me personally, other considerations are less important, below my thought process.

If you have children at a more advanced age, there surely is a higher risk of pregnancy and birth complications and chromosomal anomalies. But having children in the first place is also a huge risk, because no matter your age things can always go terribly wrong and you will be in constant worry from the day you get pregnant to the day you die. That's parenthood!
Of course, I feel you should think about potentially having a disabled child and the impact on your existing children. But it's not all black and white. I have met many disabled children in my life and the strain on parents and their finances is immense. But disabled children are blessings too and can teach us so much about the small things in life that we do often overlook!

Some considerations here are also thoughts like being the oldest mum in school etc. Well, a friend had a baby in her 20s with a retired older mum, so her mum had loads of time to help, which was fantastic for her. Now, if you'll have a 4th who has children late you would be in your mid 80s and probably not much help. But frankly, I still think it would be better to be born in the first place with an older mum versus to not exist at all.

I am also not a great fan of considerations, such as would everybody have their own room, holidays, etc when thinking about another child. One could use room dividers for a little bit of privacy and with ours, they have decided to all three share a room, although we have 5 bedrooms! As for holidays, they get as much fun from a picknick in the park as a holiday in the sun, all they really need is TIME! And have their basic needs met, of course, such as clothing, food etc but I think you know what I mean.

Everybody is different, of course, and some people will have completely different views but how boring would the world be if we were all the same?

Go for it! :)

No, if you want four, have four! You already have three so know the toll that looking after young kids can take, so you're obviously forewarned.

Someone who decided to have just one more in their forties told me "you never regret your last".

Hmm I'm not sure... I had my last at 39 which I thought was probably pushing it too be honest. No problems but I think that was the limit for me. I have to say having just come into peri menopause at 52 now I'm feeling more tired. I'd be ok with younger children if I had one at 42 but what I would struggle with is dealing with teenage angst/late night taxi-ing and long uni journeys in my 60s.

I don't think it's crazy to want another, but I do think consider if that 4th baby had additional needs or medical issues, and the impact that would have on your family.

It depends how you feel. I’m 43 and still trying and I am completely fine with my toddler. Don’t feel or look that age at all.
While my 10 years younger colleague is shuttered with her toddler.
Make a decision that you are comfortable with and not others. Good luck!

having a first or second child in your 40's in sometimes unavoidable these days and my advice if this was the case would be that the risks/downsides outweigh the benefits but as you already have 3 ,here are my reasons for you not to have any more:

1. perimenopause is going to come pretty quickly. i had my last in my 40's and sadly my health has been lousy ever since and have been unable to work

1. from an environmental perspective contributing kids (& particularly more than 2 children) to the world is very selfish (IMO)

Not mad, the heart wants what it wants, but I think your head needs to win this one and your heart will thank it later. 3 children is a lovely number, your marriage is in a good place and it sounds like your body is firing warning shots thats it’s not at a good age for getting pregnant any more. I would be grateful for what I had and find a new hobby or book a lovely holiday!

I'm late 40s now and regret that I didn't try for a third baby. So my instinct is to say go for it, but give some thought to how you would cope if a) it didn't happen, or b) your baby had additional needs.

@RaisingYankeesinParis my friend’s dad is in his late-60s (her mum is 60) and she is 26. She wishes that her dad was younger and that her grandparents were younger (2 are dead and 2 are in their 90s). There’s also an increased risk of issues during pregnancy for older mothers, foetal development and also SEN. There’d also be a large age gap between your eldest and hypothetical youngest.

Well you have three children already, you are more than familiar with what's ahead of you. You have a happy marriage and eager to have another. So no, I don't think you are crazy at all. Crack on and enjoy.

4 of us, 4 girls and we definitely don't feel like numbers.

I think parenting your fourth in your forties with one arm would be very tricky!

I did it in 40s (not 4th though). Not a single regret. Menopause can be exhausting but it was manageable.

My mum had me at 43, actually only a couple weeks away from 44, she said it was the best decision she ever made and that she was able to enjoy me a lot more due to her age (she believes)
I'm now 30, she's so on to be 74 and we have a wonderful relationship. She's great for her age, as is my dad who is a few years older than her (77) and is still working part time as a tradesman. They say I kept them young!! They could honestly run rings around me!

I'm 42 and I'm currently 18 weeks along and this will be my 5th .. while it wasn't planned as such we weren't really preventing either ..and I can honestly say hand on heart so far this has been my easiest pregnancy (well so far anyway)

Oh I want another so bad. Very lucky I am on long acting contraception as I am sure we would end up with another accident. I know for us another would be just too much. We are just getting by at the moment and another would really push us financially. I'd money wasn't an issue I think we would maybe have another but it is what it is.

I'm 42 with an almost teen and a 6yr old. I wouldn't consider a 3rd at this age no. I would worry about an increased risk of disability/SEN, as I see the impact having a disabled sibling is having on my DM after her parents' can no longer care for them.

My career is getting back on track and we as a family can enjoy days out/activities that we can all get involved with. I can't see a teen and a toddler enjoying the same things so it would be another challenge to juggle family time to suit all. Good luck whatever you decide.

I don’t think you’re crazy because I have 4 however my last is 11 almost 12 and I’m 44 and no way could I see myself with a 2 year old now. I feel I’m past the baby/toddler stage and coming out the other side. However my eldest is 22 then 18 then 13. If you feel you can manage no4 go for it but it’s a lot, I’m tired and glad mine are a bit more self sufficient. Hope things work as you wish and all goes well ❤️ My next baby will be a grandchild - long time from now I hope 🤞

I don’t think you’re crazy. I’m late 30’s with three and would love a fourth one day (don’t think dh would ever go for it) so I know the feeling. Lots of mums seem to be having babies in their 40’s, so I think if it’s what you both want then go for it.

I had my third at 42 and he is just delightful even as a full on five year old.

42 is not too old to have a child many many women do
sorry for your loss too

Have you thought about the impact on your current kids rather than the fact you like toddlers? You need to think with your head, not your ovaries, your hormones are likely making you feel like this is last chance saloon and not helping you to think logically.

Wasn't the older parents bit, it was the large family bit. Now that we've grown up we rely on each other but we don't have much time for them- learned behaviour from a childhood being pushed aside for the next baby I would imagine.

But are you willing to put that risk above your children? Their time with and attention from you and their DF, their well-being?