Coming to terms with just having one child

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves what a lovely response Thankyou I also have only one DD and I have recently made peace with being one and done: your comment helps we see all the benefits and I genie have excitement for our next chapter as a confirmed '3'

@Dipsdoo

I'm so sorry for your sad news.

You're not a brat at all. Your feelings are completely valid. Please don't feel you need to apologise for or qualify them at all.

@Dipsdoo I'm so sorry for the news you've had. Do you look at other women with one child and think they are less of a mother or woman? I'm sure you don't so don't put that on yourself.

It's hard in the moment but you are lucky and I know you appreciate what you have.

Give it time. It will always hurt and sometimes much more than others but it does get easier. You are not any less. Be the best mum you can be

Hey recently found out i can only have one child

I can't sleep just keep crying
I know I should be lucky I have one but I just feel devesated like I’ve failed at being a women I had a life planned I just feel lost and its hard when I see families mum and two kids knowing it won't be what I dreamt of a sibling for my daughter

I have an amazing partner but I look at him and feel crushed because I know his hurt I feel to blame because my body and me did that.

I no I seem like a brat but I can assure you I'm ar from that
I just Don't no how to come tto term's
And what to do

This is unfair. People are grateful for their child but their is nothing wrong with wanting another.

Shock, horror even those with infertility want more than one.

My dd is nearly 7 and we were aiming for a 2 year age gap. She's been on mission asking for a sibling since she was about 4. She knows that doctors are trying to help so she starts a lot of conversations with "if we have a baby..." (when younger it was "when we have a baby..." which used to break my heart, but I've got used to it. It's been over 5 years of ivf, 3 surgeries, fertility meds, 4 early losses and what seems like all the money in the world. It's really hard to know when to give up but I don't feel ready to yet. I'm 40 though so time is slipping away. I should add that I'm 8 weeks pregnant now, but obviously very wary due to my past losses.

My dd doesn't have stereotypical only child attributes. She's very caring and pretty confident. I probably do spoil her a little! I think the only thing that is quite 'only child' is she has a deep sense of injustice if someone does something naughty and doesn't get sufficiently told off (in her eyes). When we're around friends with large families she is often telling on the naughty one to their parents etc! Unfortunately her cousins are all a few hours away in different directions, but she has the best time when with them, so we make an effort to arrange things.

I had my daughter 9 years ago. Tried for number 2 for years and amazingly, conceived over 7 months ago at the age of 41. I had given up so it was a shock. If you're still in the 30s it might still happen.

Feel happy to have been blessed with one beautiful child op. Some women on here like myself are really struggling just to have one child

@vitahelp
such an important topic but one that is so hard to get your head round if your intention was never to have one.
I always wanted more than one, never imagined having an only child. But after a difficult birth and lots of health issues. I spent 3 years trying to accept the fact I wouldn’t be able to have another child and my DD would be an only. I have counselling etc. and for the most part had accepted it. But would still get pangs of upset and jealously at announcements of second.

low and behold after 3.5 years my health improved and we decided to go for it. As I felt perhaps I could manage my health whilst pregnant. I really wanted my DD to only be 4 as it was already past my “ideal” age gap. But alas it took us a year to fall pregnant. And then I then miscarried that pregnant. But then fell much quicker 3 months later. So safe to say a year does not mean it is all over quite as yet 🙂

My DD will be 5 years 2 months when her little sister comes along. 🥰
And I get comments of oh what a lovley gap. And others who are like “ugh why would you want to go back to the beginning again” or “I couldn’t think of anything worse than a newborn.” Well no because you’ve had your 2/3 children and feel content. 🙄🙄 Regardless the gap does not matter. I feel blessed and think it will actually be lovely. And I can really invest time in this one again.

also to add I have several adult friends who are only children. All lovely people. Genuine ad caring. And you’d be the none the wiser they are an only compared to any other adult. So the whole only being spoilt or growing up to be worse people is bs tbh.

I hope you get what you wish 🥰 or managed to find peace with your only child. You are still a family 😘 and any child is a blessing xxx

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Thanks.

@HistoryFanatic , sorry for your loss.

@Mammma91, hopefully you will find that it gets easier as time goes on. At the stage you're at now, I was still grieving for the family that I had once imagined. It was difficult while others around me were having second children, and people inexplicably felt that they had the right to quiz me on when we were going to have another baby/lecture me on how dd really needed a sibling. It was hard.

However, that season passed and people stopped asking when we were going to have another one. I accepted that we were going to be a one child family and started to see the benefits. Now I wouldn't change it even if I could.

Occasionally, I still have pangs of regret. I adored being a mum to dd at every stage, and would have liked to do it all again. And I think that dd would have been an absolutely fabulous big sister. But perhaps she, and we, would have been different with a different family dynamic. Perhaps I would have enjoyed it less overall. We will never know.

Knowing what I know now, though, I wouldn't have it any other way than how it turned out. I am genuinely grateful for the twist of fate that decided we were one and done. I think it was the best possible outcome for us.

And much better for the planet too!

I have one lovely 3 year old little boy. Been TTC no 2 for upcoming 2 years, 4 early misscarriges later and I’ve accepted we are unlikely to expand our family. The physical and psychological damage done from the misscarriges can’t be reversed and I don’t want to try for a 6th pregnancy to loose that one too.
Its tough OP. I hope you are blessed with other children. My little boy is the happiest and sweetest boy, but he loves babies and is desperate for one of his own. I try to remember that although it’s sad, it’s opened up lots more opportunities for DS which he may not have had if he had a younger sibling x

You are allowed to want more than one. I have two IVF children and have just miscarried a natural pregnancy. At some point I hope we can have another.

Yes, my dd has never wanted a sibling- I have asked her how she feels about it from time to time. She acknowledges that some of her friends have great relationships with their siblings while also noting that some have terrible sibling relationships, so she sees it as a bit of a mixed bag, really. She has always said that she is happy as an only child because she can't really miss something that she has never had. She is very extroverted and likes to be around people, but she has tons of friends so that hasn't ever really been an issue.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves
I could've written this myself. Dd was born following ivf, which was a very positive and easy experience (1st time lucky). Was the one and only time I've been pregnant. I didn't want to tempt fate so we stuck at one. She's 11 now and a fabulous child. Happy, confident, doing well at school, loving, generous and funny. So many advantages to having one. We travel a lot (easy) and have money to support her hobbies and interests. We're super close as a threesome (plus ddog). Dh and I are a bit silly at times and will dance, laugh, joke with each other. She does have lots of friends and cousins so she's never lonely. She tells us often she likes being an only child and her bf says she wishes she was one too.

We have an only.... we would have had more had we been able to, but also we are very happy to have the one and don't feel regretful of only having one.

We have the time, energy, money to fully support DD. She is so kind and sharing, also funny! Which flys in the face of what people say about only children.

However, she herself struggles with being an only. She craves playmates all the time. DH and I do what we can, play with her arrange play dates etc but she very much wishes she had a sibling and I know she would be thinking of it as if they'd always get on but in reality they wouldn't.... but her personality is that she enjoys people, playing in a group.
She does not like solitary activities at all.
But this is just her personality and not something you can predict.

Hoping once she's a bit older being an only will be something she appreciates.

Sounds like a fairly normal 6yo to be honest!

Outrageous for the school to make an issue of it. They have no idea whether you have an only child by choice, and they should keep their silly stereotypes to themselves.

FWIW, my dd was always ultra independent and very good at listening to instructions, so it clearly has nothing to do with being an only child...more to do with being only six, I should think!

One and done here - I have to jump in to back up all PP comments. Absolutely LOVE having one! The household is really relaxed and he gets all our time and attention. DH and I get plenty of time to ourselves as well. :)

To be honest I think stats for only children may be on the increase? Happy to be corrected on that information though.

God, how irritating!!

She's only 6 by the way so its not like we're dealing with an 11 year old who can't dress herself, more a 6 year old who sometimes gets frustrated with buttons or loses focus and goes off to play when half dressed.

Oh it was at parents evening, we mentioned wanting to get her to be more independent with certain things and listening first time and they repeatedly put it down to her being an only child and this is the problem with only children getting used to being the centre of attention. They went on at length about it. Most kids going there do have siblings so they see onlies as a bit of a freak species.

It is so refreshing to see so many lovely, positive comments about only children on this thread. Such a nice change from the usual tropes about only children being weird or lonely or selfish etc. Thank you to those who have shared these positive observations, as the stereotypical ideas about only children make it so much harder to come to terms with issues like secondary infertility. And they are all rubbish in any case!

The reality is, there are so many factors that impact on a child's development. Having siblings/no siblings is just one part of a much bigger picture. Having happy, healthy parents is probably much more important either way!

Almost all the only children I've ever known (now adults) seem to have incredible confidence and belief in themselves.

In contrast, my sister (who I'm actually really close to) has had serious issues all her life because of her perception of our mum favouring me over her.

She's fine and successful now but much of her 20s and 30s were defined by a lot of class A drug use and eating disorders caused, I suspect, by this.

By having one child, you might have a much happier one I think OP.