Is this a line?

Thank you so much. ❤️ I don’t feel so alone anymore. You’ll never know what that means. Or maybe you do, we are after all strangers! I don’t know your story. But I thank you all the same xx

@OrlandointheWilderness

I know right! What kind of monster! 😂 Buffy kicks ASS! Literally too!

@OrlandointheWilderness

oh thank you for finding the words I was trying to find to explain! Yes exactly that. Every noise or slight movement it’s horrible. But so tired that it feels like fog and adrenaline at the same time. It’s awful. But I have had two rice cakes that I bought today that are gross but somehow knew I would need them. Then my currently much loved tin of spaghetti hoops. Now my small treat yoghurt. Not ready for the big bad boy size yet haha but this small one will get sugar in me. God this typing into the ether/to you guys is so cathartic and so nice. The lady on the phone told me what he does with the painful boob groping and thrusting hard at my backside and stuff is sexual assault. I thought cos I push him away and “laugh” then it’s my fault surely? Apart from when I was doing the dishes and he did it so hard I had to tell him and push him off in distress cos my abdomen was ramming into the counter so hard. The lady said that’s dangerous. I’m scared now every cramp I get or bit of pink spotting

Wow well I ate those so fast I shocked myself. Ate them like a. Well. A starving pregnant lady with a big battle ahead that I need my strength for! I thought I would struggle and have to force it. I’m now onto a small yoghurt. (The ones he always tries to force me not to buy from Aldi cos they’re “expensive” - with my own money and it’s my only treat. I don’t drink even pre pregnancy. Don’t party. Don’t do much of anything. I read and watch documentaries. Visit my various mental health teams. This is my literal only treat and I will not cave on that. 79p for this small one. And 1.79 for the massive one. I get three or four of each. Hardly breaking the bank. MY fucking bank. So I’m gonna eat one of the smaller ones. And thank you guys. And sleep. Suddenly getting rather sleepy now! Which is handy. If I sleep most of the day I can avoid him til he goes to his night shift. Unless he pesters me. Which is likely. But it won’t be for long. Then I’ll have all night to myself. I live for those nights. I can watch what I want without hearing “that shit again” EVERY- SINGLE - TIME 🤦‍♀️ It’s not like it’s even bothering him- I watch buffy re runs while he sleeps on my phone. He makes me feel small over even that. Wanker.

I’m so shaky and need energy now more than ever. I’ll eat these and then sleep. It’s the not eating that stops me sleeping even when I’m exhausted beyond even fear

Well I’m now making some spaghetti hoops. My food of choice lately along with pickled beetroots. I’m scared to death he will sneak or come out getting pissed off that I woke him opening up the doors now and then like he did before because of course I MUST be silent all day for his lordship and never pee or move 🙄 but I know you’re all with me in spirit which helps a great deal. I need to eat. I get soooooo bad anxiety and shaky and head foggy and can’t sleep when I don’t eat this long. It feels vile. So I must. You’re all here with me in spirit. That’s getting me through 🙏

@krj260888

oh bless you, thank you. Maybe I should start a new thread to avoid people reading to the ugly part. I’m waiting a few more days for the last expensive one and one more cheapie. Keep one cheapie for just Incase. But yeah, no period lots of lines! Period definitely late! Definitely a baby ❤️ Are those your tests? How odd are those cheapies! My lines have all faded now 🥴😂

@OrlandointheWilderness

Thank you so much. That made me tear up ❤️

Well I managed to eat two disgusting rice cakes so that’s something. I knew today they would come in handy cos I hate them but I needed something in my tummy I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Which feels like two days cos I haven’t slept either. Some water and a peppermint tea perhaps I might sleep then. I get shaky when I don’t eat. My head hurts so bad 🤦‍♀️ But I can do this 🙏

But I know one thing. I can do this on my own. And my baby will be tough like his or her mum is. He hasn’t beaten me. Given me a dent sure. But beat? Ha. I have gone up against worse trauma than he could think up in a million years. I’m just in a sticky scary spot right now. I’m so worried I’ll lose my baby cos of stress though. I will never forgive myself. Ever.

@OrlandointheWilderness

I will be. Trust me. I’m not the same person I was when I stayed in abusive relationships in the past. I’m not scared anymore of being alone or losing the abuser or any of that back and to stuff I used to do, and many women do til they finally leave. I really want to actually leave. I’m so scared. I just managed to make a peppermint tea for my tummy and have a pee and was terrified the whole time he would creep about again. He didn’t though. He must be asleep.

Its just a matter of I have literally nowhere to go. So I need to ring the refuge place when it’s safe to do that. The lady explained everything I need to do. For now I need to act normal like she said and hang tight and be careful. She said the refuge will have support and other women in the same position and things like that and I so desperately need support and peers. I’m so lonely.

My baby won’t turn out like him will it? He won’t be around for it, but what about genes? Does it work like that? It’s incredible how naive and stupid you can be at 35 when you have no mother or any parental figures teaching you this stuff or modelling it. I know practically nothing.

I can’t have my baby around a father talking like that. I can’t. I need to do this in a way that he never knows the baby even exists.

Which is a very hard painful camp bed. My back and hips hurt so much and especially cos I have to sleep in that side position which hurts. I keep getting visions of him coming in and punching my belly or something but I think that’s maybe over the top anxiety. But he’s escalated so fast since the pregnancy that who knows what he’s capable of. And I’m sick of hearing about pakis and rag heads and how he’s not buying that wine in Aldi cos he hates Africans. My ex husband is Tunisian. Muslim. Oh how he hates them too. I’m sick of hearing it all the time. Or calling women stupid slags in the car with his road rage. I’m sick of him. I wasn’t brought up in the best environment to say the LEAST. But I wasn’t brought up to speak or think like that about people. He talks about making a terrorist attack on the job centre “joking” and other stuff like that. It’s vile. All of it. It’s vile

I haven’t eaten or slept. I feel sick. I don’t want to drink water cos then ill have to go to the bathroom and I don’t want to be near him or encounter him- he does that sneaky weird thing a lot the past few days, “jokey”. Making me jump. It all makes me feel sick. I feel stuck to the bed

@beebopper6
Yes- I didn’t want to say the whole thing I was so embarrassed and also hadn’t spoken to anyone til tonight which felt empowering to have it just be confirmed what I already knew.

@Hatscats

Oh he’s not going on the birth certificate. I think I will tell him I am having an abortion and when I leave and have my baby he won’t be on there and won’t ever know.

@ER20
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t feel very precious right now. But my baby is. And I will feel precious and confident again soon when I get away

@AnuSTart
I know it seems such an obvious solution but I have no home. But I am working to get to a refuge and the lady told me some very helpful legal type phrases to get me on the priority for housing. I have been waiting all year for housing. So I will be doing that too. Something about a part 7 application or something. I have it written down.

@MillieKitty

Not really, I mean I don’t have much by way of support. I have acquaintances. I’m stuck at the moment. I’m so stupid

But he will not hurt my baby. He fucking won’t.

Thank you all for the support. I’m really shocked at how bad everyone says this is. I think because of my trauma with abuse, it’s become normalised to me. But it hasn’t happened to me in a long time and I have gotten a lot stronger since the last abuser years ago. What he doesn’t know is that I have nothing but contempt for him now and see clearly.

The issue is I don’t have a home or support. My mum died she killed her self cos my stepdad beat her and abused her in the worst ways you could imagine. So it’s just me.

The lady on the line thing said to act normal and call them again in the morning from 10am only when I’m not near him which isn’t easy cos he works nights and locks me in. To be able to go to a refuge. She said it’s really important that I act normal how I normally do, delete any logs etc, and when I get a place in a refuge just go and the police will get my stuff later.

I did consider telling him I have miscarried. It seems the most sensible way. But then he will start on me for being not pregnant anymore so why are you tired so you were just being lazy etc etc and all of that.

Thank you all. I haven’t slept a wink I feel so odd. He was slamming doors all night banging around and in and out his room which is unusual. But said nothing to me didn’t come in the spare room. Then I went to make a tea cos I had been sick. And he crept up on me. Literally just .. crept up. No normal footsteps or anything, then just creepily sort of curled sneakily around the fridge just into my line of sight and made me jump. And said here I made your tea (this was early hours of the morning) and got it out the fridge and tried to give it to me, I had to turn away cos he waved it in my face kind of. And he said ok well it’s there and I made it for you and left. It was weird.

I’m scared for my baby. I feel rabbit in headlights at the moment.