Single and planning to conceive...am I selfish?

Yes.

In a word, yes.
Having children is generally a pretty "selfish" act (in that people do it for themselves), but doing it single, at 40 with donor sperm adds a bunch of additional problems with the only benefit being that you get what you want without having to do the work of finding and maintaining a stable relationship.

I'm not trying to be mean, I just can't see how it could be described as anything else.

Yes I’d say you are selfish, but then I think almost everyone who chooses to have a child or not have a child is doing it for selfish reasons: because it’s what they want to do. In that respect I don’t think being selfish is a bad thing. I’d look into the Donor Conception Network and see if they have any resources which help you or could you seek preconception counselling elsewhere. No one can say if the children you conceive with donor sperm will be perfectly happy having known no other option or will miss having another parent and a tangible connection to their biological history. There’s plenty of testimony both ways, but none of those reporting is your child.

No more selfish than anybody else who wants to have a child.

I don’t think you would be being selfish at all and I’m genuinely surprised at the suggestions that you would be!

The only thing I would say is that I imagine it would be very hard work so just prepare yourself for that, do you have other support around you?

I don’t think you would regret the decision though even if you found it tough, whereas you could end up regretting it if you don’t go for it. Good luck!

Sorry I went on a tangent. While I can't counter that the ideal set up for a child is a mum and a dad with their unique spheres of influence and capacity pertaining to their sex and gender role, it is still possible to bring up a happy and well adjusted person with just one.

It may take more time to adjust though, I was brought up by a single parent and the innate aching need for the missing parent was there, with no prompting. But I think you can do enough to mitigate this if you give the child what they need. They need boundaries, rules, discipline (no connotations towards punishment, I mean being disciplined in the literal sense), and love.

My husband is invaluable to our family. Some of the reason for that is my own shortcomings. I know I did an excellent job with my baby alone (my husband was added later), as my child was a baby and like I said, they only need the closeness of their mother for some time.

But bringing up the toddler and defiant child alone? I, personally, would not have done a good job. That's me. That doesn't have to be you, but you may want to think about it, because if I was alone with her, things would be very, very different.

This is true of any birth of course. I have come to realise the innate need to be a mother is real, as I never wanted children and once I had one I now regret not having more.

It's a shame that as women are not instilled with the wherewithal to get a good partner and spend some of our youth bringing up a family and building a stable home for children. It's a shame because it creates situations like yours, and I was almost the same.

But if your guilt is stemming from the notion that a child needs a mum and dad I'm sorry I can't counter that.

The first few years are very easy if you go back to basics. Focus on the baby, spend all the time you have with them, feed them, love them, stroke their head (this actually has a positive impact on the brain), love them, sleep by them, and let them feel safe. It's really the only thing they need. They don't want to be in a nursery or away from their mother. They want one thing; to be with you.

When they get older the influence of both parents becomes ambiguous. I could give you reems of anecdotal evidence of all the situations I've been in and seen, but if you are going to provide for that child (and I do mean emotionally, finance doesn't have to come into it. Growing up poor and loved is absolutely find) then you can go for it knowing you are providing that child the best start in life.

I don't think what you want to do is wrong, as long as you have the capacity to give this child everything it needs. A loving family around you would greatly help.

I'm attempting to be honest and positive, and not to lie to you in any way.

Yes it's very selfish. The world is overpopulated and you are simply thinking of your own wants and desires, not the needs of a child.

I would think it is. My reasons are because parenting can feel relentless even if it isn't difficult and if you don't have another consistent figure of support for the child, there would be no one else for either of you. That wouldn't mean messing anyone's life up but would make things much harder than they need to be. Disclaimer I also think it selfish to have only one child, but that's only because of my line of work. But as above we don't know your whole story, and plenty of children are born into all sorts of situations. I don't think this is something you'll ever feel sure about and many people don't! If you're going to do it, you might as well while you still have time on your side 🙂

Good luck.

In your shoes I would do this without hesitation. Lots of marriages split up after all. Have you got family support?

I don’t think it’s any more or less selfish than having a child at all. I wish you well.