Single and planning to conceive...am I selfish?

And to the babies need a mum and a dad posters The whole world isn't heterosexual you know.

Just do it. I started at 40 and due to bad luck after bad luck after bad luck I'm still trying years later. Don't delay as you will regret it and be going through the heartache I am.

@Chilliandchocolate I think maybe you didn't read the whole of my post? As I specifically did not say OP shouldn't try. I actually said she should try, if she cannot be happy without a child.

Anyway, I don't want to derail this thread. I just wanted to make the point that it is not as easy as- 'try or you'll never know'. Because trying can change you. Some experiences do that. Having a miscarriage can be one of them. It's not like you go: 'oh well, I tried my best, shame it didn't work out’. That’s all I'm trying to get across. Yes of course I’m happy that I’m now pregnant and will hopefully go on and have a healthy baby. But I’ll never forget the pregnancy I lost, or what it was like to need emergency surgery because the miscarriage was incomplete, and my husband holding my hand while they did the procedure, while I was suffering heavy blood loss. And that was after I conceived quickly. I imagine it might have been even harder if, like the OP, I could only get pregnant through artificial insemination or IVF and then went on to have a loss, and had to deal with that by myself.

Of course, if humans only had babies when it was sensible, the human race would have died out long ago! And sometimes you have to just take the risk if you really want something. And hopefully the OP will never experience what I experienced. I only raised the point because it's not just about whether you're depriving a child of a second parent. It's whether you could cope with situations like that on your own. OP might be very strong and be able to do it. The thing is that it's hard to know before you're already in the middle of it. But I'm sorry - I don't mean to write scare stories - and I'm sorry if this wasn't appropriate for this thread.

The most important thing you can give your child is love and it seems that you will have plenty to give. Many children are born into one parent families for a variety of reasons and they live wonderful fulfilled lives.
Some posters are suggesting that you should have a partner in order to have a baby, better to go it alone then have a baby in bad relationship.
Other support (family/friends) is key and you say you have that so you are already in a good place.

Palliative care, but predominantly spent my whole career working with older people.

maybe not the best choice of words but I honestly can’t understand the mentality that because something might not happen you shouldn’t even try.

fwiw I was typing in a rush because wrangling with 16 month old DS, born when I was 40

Agreed. I think it would only be selfish if you couldn't afford to raise the child or you had severe mental issues or something.

I don’t think you’re selfish but I do think you’re mad to take on the workload by yourself.. don’t underestimate how relentless it is especially when they are small and totally dependent on you. Not just the physical part but also carrying the ‘worry’ by yourself. I wouldn’t have a baby on my own or even if I thought I would probably end up doing it alone, for this reason. x

If your going to do it OP you do it. But I dont think you should compare your situation to single mothers though I think it's a bit insulting because the majority did not CHOOSE especially for their 1st pregnancy.

It's a totally different scenario to what you would be in. I know my child's father and secondly I get support finicially and even though our childcare arrangements have been rocky at times I know him and My DC does too... DC has 2 sides of the family to bond with.

@Chilliandchocolate In case your reply was directed at me - well yes, you could well argue that it would be a reason to start trying as soon as possible because it is only going to get harder.

And I specifically said in my post that I wasn't saying the OP shouldn't try. I am just saying that, while the word 'trying' sounds so awfully benign, and like TTC is something you can succeed at if you only put in enough effort, the reality is that TTC when you're 40 can be one of the hardest things a woman can put herself through. So it's worth really researching the realities of the process as well as the morality of it.

And I do think that describing a miscarriage or termination for medical reasons, as "disappointment" is rather flippant.

I have a friend who did this alone but with a lot of family support nearby. She has said the hardest bit is having to make decisions for the child by herself, physically speaking of you have involved family nearby it's probably a similar level of difficult to parenting with someone who works away a fair bit. Nothing in having kids is easy and it's ultimately a selfish act however you have them.

I’m not sure not trying at all because the disappointment is too crushing if you don’t succeed is a reason for not trying.

This isn't quite what you were asking ... But I would caution you that trying to conceive and being pregnant when 40 can be very difficult. I think many of us appreciate this theoretically but the actual lived experience of it can be harder than you can imagine.

You could be lucky and get pregnant first try, but at 40 this is less likely and there is something strangely psychologically torturous about trying to conceive unsuccessfully - tracking ovulation, the two-week wait, the disappointment when it doesn't work, and you're on to another month of trying. Then, when (if) you are successful, it is worth reading up on miscarriage statistics when you are in your 40s just to prepare you. Some studies say it can be as high as 50%. And a miscarriage is a truly dreadful thing to go through when you have a loving, supportive partner by your side; I can't imagine how difficult it would be if single. You will also have a much higher chance of conceiving a child with chromosomal abnormalities and facing the very difficult choice of termination for medical reasons or raising a disabled child alone. You're also more likely to struggle with a natural birth and suffer birth injuries or face an emergency c-section. And all this before all the struggles of child-raising, which you'll be facing alone in your 40s and 50s.

I don't mean to scaremonger. I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't try if this is the only way you think you can be happy, and if the 'what if' would always haunt you. You should try. And plenty of women conceive first time aged 40 and go on to have uncomplicated pregnancies and births. But it is much less likely at 40 than 28.

I started trying for a baby when I was 39. I had a naive view that: 'it'll either happen or it won't happen - we'll try it and see and if it doesn't happen, then it'll have put the question to rest'. I didn't realise what a lot of heartbreak there can be between 'happening' and 'not happening'.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant and very happy, but this is after a loss at 10 weeks. The process has taken over my life for the last year. I was lucky that I conceived relatively quickly, but I still found it a very hard road.

*meant to say then I don’t think you’re any more selfish than the rest of us who decide to have children.

If you know that you can support a child emotionally and financially then I also know two single Mums IRL who adopted and have given their children wonderful lives. They are professional women who simply didn’t meet the right person by their 40’s.

I agree, go get your baby. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. You will love them so much.I nearly missed out on having children but then I did and they make me so happy. I hope you are able to conceive and fulfil your wish.😀

Seconded with the network. I very nearly went down the same route then unexpectedly met someone.

It’s not selfish. It’s your in built instinct. Go get your baby! 😀

Toto, you mention "putting in the work to find/maintain a relationship. I've tried really hard on both counts, but it hasn't happened,"

The thing is, parenting isn't any easier than relationships with adults. It's really hard, because we have total responsibility. When problems arise, we can't expect the child to help work out a solution. It's all on us. If there are two parents, at least one can hold the fort while the other takes a break . . A lone parent has no back-up, no co-parent to take the strain when it becomes unbearable.
If you find it hard to maintain and sustain one-to one relationships with adults, you will find it even harder one-to-one at the end of your tether with a tantrumming 2 yr old, a hormonal teenager.

@De88 out of curiosity, what line of work are you in that makes you think only having one child is selfish?

Its true that many parents couples separate, but at least the child knows who their father is, can have contact with father, and a longterm relationship. If your child is a boy, I believe its very important for boys to have a male role model.

My father died when I was 10. At least I knew and remember him and grew up with a very clear sense of who he was and that primary close relationship with a man. My sister was too young to remember him at all and that gap in her emotional development socially damaged her for life.In effect, she never grew up. In all adult relationships with men, she played the part of a small child; you can imagine where that led :-(

So yes, I do think it is selfish to deliberately impose fatherlessness on a child. Quite apart from how difficult single-parenting is , and the lack of a backstop if you fall by the wayside. I know how hard single parenting is from my mother; and she was an exceptionally strong woman earning a good living.

I don't think you are selfish and I think I would do it if I was in you position. Maybe in time there will be an app for people to co-parent together who knows! I couldn't find European stats just EU. Overall though our fertility rate and therefore population is in decline. ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Fertility_statistics
UK is 1.65 so we need babies!