Single and planning to conceive...am I selfish?

No I don't think you are.

It is your life - please live it how you see fit.

As a single parent your child won't ever have to come second, fight for your attention, be disciplined in a way you don't approve of, witness arguments or feel the tension of them. They won't have gender roles forced on them or see their mother treated as a second class person in her own home

@madroid That does sound awful. Is that your experience of two-parent families?

There's a lot of sanctimonious conformists on this thread!

What about all the energy and misery a couple parenting can entail? The arguments children end up witnessing, the comprises that have to be made?

I think emotionally it's much easier to be a single parent than in a poor or just average relationship.

As a single parent your child won't ever have to come second, fight for your attention, be disciplined in a way you don't approve of, witness arguments or feel the tension of them. They won't have gender roles forced on them or see their mother treated as a second class person in her own home.

As a single parent you can create the world you want for your child at home. You will be very close and you can have the relationship you feel is right for a parent without having to worry about another parent who may have totally different ideas.

You will need support and help but it doesn't necessarily have to come from a partner. You will be fine if you have close friends and family. It's selfish only in the same way it always is to want a child.

What about the child wanting to know it's father

What about the child wanting to know it's dad

On the subject of family support, if you have hoping/expecting other family members to provide significant childcare, etc., I personally think it’s only fair to discuss your decision with them now so that they can be open about what they can/can’t do. I’m only saying this as I know a couple of people IRL who rely heavily on their elderly parents who are exhausted! One is a single parent by choice and it’s a lot for her widowed Mum to deal with, especially now she’s developed health problems. I don’t think the elderly parents openly tell their adult children how difficult they find it as they love their GC-but these are my (elderly) Dad’s friends and they tell him how they’re really feeling.

Wouldn’t wait any longer as odds aren’t good due to your age.

I don’t think you’re selfish at all.
As long as you financially provide for the child should something happen to you, and as long as you have someone willing to take them on too, I think it’s a great idea.

I've done this and my children are now 9. It's hard, but all my friends who are parents find it hard, whether they're in couples or not.

Mine are at an age now where they know more about their origins. They're very accepting of it, very matter of fact really. They already know some of their half siblings through the sperm donor and were delighted when they found out about them. I think it's important to be honest with the child/children from the start.

So, yes it's hard, sometimes relentlessly so. But if you know you want to be a mother then go for it. It's certainly no more selfish than anyone else bringing a child into the world.

My friend did this 8yrs ago and is very happy with her lovely daughter. But she did move to where her parents live for support. I wish you every happiness 💐

This is true for anyone who wants a child. OP go for it, good luck!

@Totorotoes check out The Stork and I on instagram/podcast.oys of resources.

Go for it. I know two women who did this at 40 and are very happy that they did.

Please use an official route for sperm donation though. There are some really dodgy, abusive men in the world of unofficial sperm donation. Please don't go anywhere near them.

Not selfish at all. I had planned to do this before I met my dh.

Plenty of people both children and adults only have one parent, it’s not selfish at all.

I think if you have thought it through, have a good network who have said they’ll be there for you (when you tell them), then go for it. Everyone having kids is doing it for selfish reasons (obviously excluding unplanned pregnancies), they want a baby. That doesn’t change just because you’re not in a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with that.

if you are desperate for a child and would regret not having one, then do it. It might be tough alone, though, so go in to it eyes wide open! Best of luck

OP, I don't think you are selfish at all.

I have a dc by my ex partner. We were together eight years. When dc was born, partner changed, assumed he had got himself a housekeeper for life because I 'couldn't leave now I had a child' etc.
it took me two years to leave and rebuild job/home/finances.
Ex didn't change a nappy, get up at night, buy a pair of shoes etc.He sees dc but doesn't take him anywhere or do any parenting.
You are financially secure. If you have a child, there is no chance of a wayward partner leaving, disrupting the family unit, causing hurt, forcing the sale of your home etc. You can provide a MORE secure home than someone in a marriage.
You need to commit to staying fit and healthy for 20 years which will take will power, and to accept that single parenting means absolutely no days off but otherwise go for it. Good luck.

After a year of varies delays and iui's I did ivf and found out I was pregnant on my 41st birthday (with twins) one twin didn't develop, then other was born healthy. I did not get the embryos genetically tested that time. I still had embryos left over and decided before putting another in I'd do the testing. 1/2 we're normal 1/2 we're not. I Put one in and am pregnant again at 45. Not the ideal age to be pregnant but my point is if you are doing ivf you have more ways to prevent miscarriage. The miscarriage statistics are pretty bad for over 40's but a large part of that is you have more eggs that are genetically abnormal in your 40's
I definitely went through a thought process before deciding to go it alone. So happy I did.
Things that affected my decision were my life view that you've won the biggest lottery just to be alive.
Two parents isn't always better than one , depending on the parents.
As far as how hard it is after seeing various situations it's easier to do it along than do it with the wrong person.
Good luck

That's interesting.
Do you have your sources to hand by any chance?

Those stats are actually not true when it’s a single mother by choice @ToiletPoster2

the major driving factor in poor outcomes for children are driven by poverty, and even poverty has minimal power when the mother is educated to degree level.

No you are not selfish to want a child. Wanting to give love and bring new life into the world isn't selfish, imo. Being a single parent will not mess up your child - all that child will need is love and a stable home. I was raised by a single mother as she and my father split before my birth. I was occasionally sad that my father wasn't around, but my mum did an amazing job, she is so strong, and it absolutely did not mess me up being raised by one parent. She was late 30s when she conceived me too, her only child.
Even if a child has only one parent or no siblings, they create other beautiful connections in life - with other family members, friends, and partners when they are older. A loving mother is a lot more than many people have in life - I say go for it, if this is your heart's desire :) x

I know two ladies who have done this. One very well and I know she's very happy and considering a second. The other has just had her child. It's your life OP best of luck with it if you decide to go ahead 😊

And I had two heterosexual parents who were emotionally neglectful and I'm very likely to adopt as I'm accepting that I won't conceive now and those children would be better off with a loving single parent than in care in most instances.

Outcomes for single parents are worse on pretty much every front. That's only worth disregarding if you genuinely believe that most single parents are not trying to providing and nurturing for their children to the best of their ability (for the record, I do not believe that).

I don't think anyone was talking about himosexual aorents, but I do believe that there are social aspects related to being a man that a mother will not even be aware that she needs to teach/provide her son. Same as with a father to a daughter.