So..... Is it really bad of me to use a pair of hold-ups to encourage DH to impregnate me when he does not want another child or should be responsible for his willy and abstain....?

Your hubby sounds a little like mine. I broached the subject of TTC a 3rd baby in the summer and he said "not yet" and I was disappointed but let it be thinking I would have another chat with him after xmas. Then in November he suddenly decided he does not like condoms and wanted to use withdrawal instead. I was very suprised and made him very aware of the fact that I have not used any precautions other than adstaining or condoms since we got pregnant with ds1. I also made him aware of the failure rates of withdrawl. He was happy to go ahead and said that as much as he is not ready to actively TTC, if a baby should come along, it will be a blessing and obviously meant to be. I am secretly thrilled and hoping that 3rd months a charm!

Like the others have said, I think your dh is being a little confusing. If he REALLY does not want more children, he needs to take responsibility for himself I think. It could just be that like my dh he does not want to actively plan and TTC and just wants to have some fun? I don't think you are doing anything wrong but agree that you should try and be on the same page, and make sure that he won't feel "trapped" should you fall pregnant.

Good luck either way!

I think he is being confusing. I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all.

I do think you need to have words with him about whether he is up for another child or not.

I agree that some men are afraid to commit/admit to TTC and prefer it sprung on them, when they have not exactly been careful, but some are actually really awful if they have it 'sprung' on them and even if it isn't and they have agreed to more babies.

I had one baby with a man who agreed to a baby, and then changed his mind/freaked out and used the fact that I wanted to keep it, to be really nasty and controlling toward me on the grounds that he was doing me a favour letting me keep it. I binned him in the end of course but the baby was lovely . This was my failed attempt to get it right, following the previous disastrous set up:

I had my other (before this) in altogether more shady circumstances - he definitely didn't want any, and was using me, and was drunk every time he slept with me, and often took risks, and one night I didn't take proper precautions and he didn't ask me to. He was furious and insisted it was my fault but I kept the baby and he stuck around on and off, still using me.
It was a ridiculous 'relationship' as neither of us was honest with the other, we both wanted different things, and the baby I had is now a child who has never known his father, which is just bloody awful and I live with the guilt every day. I was very stupid in those days.

Do be careful before entering into a situation where you are not perfectly clear with each other, as it could create a lot of problems.

I'm not saying anyone's DH has had the snip behind their backs (it's a moderately common plotline in chicklit, though, one of the ways to indicate that This ONe's the Bad Guy).
Though frankly I would be horrified if it were true that a wife had to consent (legally) to her husband having the snip! That's like saying your husband or even your father has to consent to you having a coil/nose job/termination and would be a total violation of human rights in my book.

Sorry if that's just a bit off-topic and hope that the OP and her partner have a happy conclusion and all that.

having said that, I would never be in that situation, because my dh would simply go out and buy some condoms.

thanks anniemac, that has made it clearer.

i think my views are such becuase i am pg with db3 who dp said no to for about 18mths, after finally agreeing we could ttc he is very happy i am pg(26 weeks), and i know that if i had had an 'accident' he may very well have left me for forcing him into being a parent, in his eyes. (we have talked about it alot, this is his view).

Express consent works for me.

I know however other men that want babies but are too scared to offically ttc - they just prefer it FP said, and thats ok too.

i just hate it when i hear of women making men have babies they had no idea they were ttc, or indeed that the woman had stopped contraceptives without informing the partner.

Not a personal thing aimed at anyone, just my views.

He's a grown man, and her dh, so as long as he's aware that she's not on any contraceptive, then I don't think she's doing anything wrong.

i thought that wives have to consent to the snip? or maybe i am being silly? [wonders]

Yes i would be mad about that, but thats just as sneaky as having an 'accident' IMO. there are grey areas in this i think, around contraceptive use, honesty and how much the partner knows and realises, iyswim?

Fireflyfairy2 said;

"Madamez "Discreetly run off and had a snip done"

without her knowing? "

I was thinking the same thing. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my DH if he surreptitiously had the snip while knowing that I wanted another baby.

Just look at Ian Beale - caused him no end of trouble!

i am very about this thread.

maybe i like to talk things through more with my dp and get more expressive 'consent'.

i would need to know if i had a baby he would be a Daddy to baby like he is with the others, not regretting having sex with me.

Am thinking of doing this to my dh to be honest! He SAYS he also wants another baby, but isn't doing much about it in the "action" department. Thinking of waiting until I'm ovulating and then plying him with whisky or sth - if I tried hold ups he would just laugh!

why do real stockings take 30 minutes to get on right?

(I appreciate I have totally missed the point of this thread btw )

Madamez "Discreetly run off and had a snip done"

without her knowing?

I would have encouraged you to have an open and honest discussion beforehand (I'd be concerned about you having this thrown back in your face at a later date) BUT your DH knew that it was sex without contraception and he knows how you feel about another baby, plus you know your DH better than any of us here and how he is likely to react if you do conceive.

The only other thing I would say is that some men don't like the whole ttc business and can feel put under pressure by it. The whole sex for a baby rather than enjoyment can bring out a bit of reluctance in them. Maybe this is his way of dealing with that pressure - do you think perhaps that he doesn't like the demands ttc puts on his 'performance' and so is trying to avoid that? I also think (a little bit) that he's enjoying you going out of your way to seduce him too.....

if you really wanted another baby that badly, go the whole hog and take 30 minutes to adjust your stockings properly...imho...

if he does really know your feelings / intentions ...then precautions are his dept i guess....

Sounds like he knows he's on to a good thing and is going to make the most of it!!

If he really, really, didn;t want another baby it would be his lookout to either get a condom or have discreetly run off and had a snip done. SO I don't think you have been too unethcial.

Worked for me

My DP didn't really want one yet - knew I did - I think he just preferred to be seduced and have it a 'suprise' - he doesn't like to plan things very much. So it was, he was 'shocked' but is very pleased about the baby.

Sounds like he knows what you are up to.. and he is enjoying it.

if it was as simple as wearing stockings/hold ups to change a mans mind women all over the world would be rushing to the shops!!

If he's that easily swayed I really don't think he's that against another one.

well sounds like he know's what he's doing and you have been clear about the situation. As long as you are prepared for a bit of a 'how did this happen moment' then I think you should be good to go for it - how many dcs do you have already?