Is 46 too old to be a first time mum?

Is it too old for you as a couple and you as an individual? That's all that matters really.

Other people will have a range of opinions and experiences both in terms of life in general and with rearing children.

I think this question is more about 'will I be judged for having a child post 40' and unfortunately on MN, the answer is almost always yes. In real life, I don't think people care.

I had my baby later in life and I wouldn’t change a single thing. The good far outweighs the bad and it’s the single best decision I ever made. I’ve even found myself unexpectedly doing it all on my own since he dad left without a trace, and I’d still do it again a hundred times over.

Good luck whatever you decide 😊

Also the insinuation that you shouldn't have kids because you might die while they're in their twenties or won't be able to take them to university interviews is ridiculous.

Plenty of people lose their young, fit, active parents at ages far younger than their 20s. Life expectancy is not 60 so it's pretty far fetched to suggest you will die when your kid is 20.
And children can go to university interviews on the train. It's not difficult. A 17 year old is completely capable of it.

Do we then say that parents who are young and fit are also selfish if they have hobbies that might kill them, like if they surf they might get killed by a shark, if they drive a lot they might get into a fatal crash, if they like going on adventure holidays they're more likely to die in a sports accident or from a virus?

Seriously, the way people throw around "you're selfish" is just silly and self righteous.

What about the number of obese or overweight people in this country selfishly not doing enough exercise, eating enough vegetables or doing enough about their diet and lifestyle to live to the average life expectancy age?

Those selfish drinkers, over eaters, and sedentary people. Seriously, people need to stop with the "you're selfish". Everybody is selfish.

It's not too old but biologically difficult at 46 I would say.
Your best bet would be donor eggs via IVF. I'd be starting the process ASAP Ida that's the route you decide on.

I did it. It worked for me. It gave me a renewed energy. I can't imagine life without DS. But I guess we were lucky and financially cushioned, which helps. Mate has just had first at 62. A man of course, but it happens and he is deliriously happy.

I’m 44 and find looking after my 2 year old nephew very, very hard work-and he doesn’t keep me up at night! It would be a no from me but only you can decide. You would be 60/61 when they are 14, is that fair?

I think she'd struggle to adopt with mental health in all honesty. I know someone who was declined because of the same reason.

Although adopting is a noble idea, I think in reality a very very small proportion of people want to adopt children as opposed to a large proportion of people who want to have their own biological children.

So adoption is probably an unrealistic suggestion.

It's very easy for lots of people to suggest option to someone else.

If you want children then go for it.
You'll find people who will claim you're selfish for wanting children at any age, and some who'll claim not wanting children is selfish.

I think other people's opinions of what is and isn't selfish can be so unconsciously compromised by their own self interest that it's not worth asking anyone else.

The challenges are increased not removed! Adopted children come with a whole load of emotional issues which are expressed in their behaviours. It is additionally challenging to parent an adopted child.

It is really awful the way people on here talk about adopted children as if they are some sort of soft reserve option for people who can't cope with having a biological child.

No, not with added mental health issues on top of your age.

To many risks. Sorry op it's a selfish situation to bring a baby into the world on top of everything else.

Yes its too old

Had my first and only at 39. I'm now 47 and having a rough time with perimenopause. It is tough going through that with an 8 year old running around the house. On reflection, I wish I'd had DS 5 or so years earlier. There's no way I'd consider it at 46, personally.

Way too old imo.

Apart from the added risks, I don’t think it would be fair on the child.

Definitely not with your mh and bpd! My partner has bpd and various other things makes parenting horrendous at times !

Honestly, your age plus your BPD would give me serious pause. I think it would be for the best if you made peace with remaining childless.

I'm afraid I think it's too old as well. I had my children in my mid and late 30's and the exhaustion is like nothing I've ever experienced. I can understand someone who already has children considering another at that age, they already understand what they're letting themselves in for, but for the first time? I honestly wouldn't recommend it. Being a parent to our boys is the greatest gift, but very few people talk about the hard realities that come with it. It's all very well for celebs having children later in life... there's Alex Jones, mid 40's, having baby number 3 within just a few years, turning up to telly appearances a few weeks after birth and looking fresh as a daisy. What you don't see is that Alex isn't running round supermarkets every other day, up to her eyeballs in laundry, running out for school runs in leggings and mum bun, struggling to fit in a trip to the toilet alone far less get a shower, making breakfast, lunch, dinner, millions of snacks a day, clearing up after breakfast, lunch, dinner, millions of snacks a day, getting out of bed countless times a night.. all while having a broom up her backside because the house still needs cleaned. Nope, she's not doing all that - someone else is. If I didn't have to do all of the above PLUS hold down a job as well, I might have considered another. I don't mean to paint a bleak picture of parenting, nor is it a case of being ungrateful, but no one should be under any illusions that the day to day life of parenting is an absolute slog, and starting that journey at age 46 I would absolutely not recommend.

I have no judgement about age if a child is wanted and loved. I say go for it. You'd need to use donor eggs though, looking at the statistics.

My daughter was born when I was 49.
It's more tiring of course. (I also work full time.) But her social life hasn't suffered, to whichever ridiculous poster suggested that! She goes to gymnastics, science club, Brownies and has play dates every week as well as the park and swimming multiple times a week.

The idea that 50 is too old to babysit is frankly ridiculous!

Yeh it's old. But if you're 100% sure it's what you want then I'd start shopping for ivf clinics as majority will not let you use your own eggs after age of 45. You might have to go abroad as they're more lenient out there.

I think if you already had children and fell pregnant naturally at 46, it's not so much an issue because you already know what having a baby entails. You are well rehearsed and the baby will have a support network in its older siblings throughout their life. I think it would be vert hard to start such a life changing and utterly exhausting journey at 46.

It would be too old for me, OP.

For you? I couldn't say. The things that would make me wary are

• your and your partners ages (is he 46 too or is he younger?)
• your health and family history (at what ages did your parents start to feel old and develop serious illness?)
• your mental health and bpd (how well controlled is it, would you have to change meds in pregnancy, how do you cope with stressful situations, lack of sleep, losing routines?)
• have you considered it would likely have to be a donor egg, so no genetic relation to you?
• have you considered how you would manage if the child had additional needs?
• have you considered what a lifestyle change this would be for you - financially, losing the relative freedom to be selfish and go with your whims? (saying this as having dc when younger people have generally been less accustomed having years of this and so is a harder shift when older).

As pps have said, there are other ways to be valuable in children's lives - both of your family and outside.