Career versus baby

I am a women who is both a mother, TTC and a managing director. I’m 36 and have been TTC for the past 18 months (fell pregnant in month 1 with DS). If I was you I’d crack on with conceiving and use your career as a pleasant distraction from the TTC journey (which is not always as well planned as we’d like it to be).

There is no reason why you can’t have it all, I won’t lie and say it’s easy, it’s not, but I’m living proof that it is possible. I’m sure you can pick your career up after you have a baby, if that is what you want.

As someone who has always been very career driven, the hole that not having a baby creates is far bigger than the hole that having a career can fill. Your child will be around you for the rest of your life, a career won’t.

Unless you can afford a nanny then your partner will be very important. Honestly op, one of your careers will suffer. If your kid takes ill and has to come home from daycare, can/will your partner leave their job to pick the kid up and take care of them for a few days? Or if the kid has trouble in school, can one of you leave to deal with that?
Plenty of women find they have to leave their career entirely because their partner values their own job more and something has got to give. Reverse wise, would you expect your partner to be able to quit their job if need be?

Honestly it doesn't sound like you're that fussed anyway...or even that you've remotely considered the reality of the impact a child wpuld have kn your life atm. 'Oh my friends kids are cute'...haha..ha...hahaha. Yeah that totally outweighs you ruining your body, having to be stitched up from fanny to arse after a birth, potential post natal depression, sleepless nights for the next two or three years. And setting your career back/potentially having to leave your job.

Just because other people are doing something, doesn't mean you have to. If you don't really, really, really want kids then don't try for them.

I'm 35 in a male dominated industry. Luckily I've got a good career and I'm happy to stay at my current level for the next few years. TTC definitely impacts me career wise though. I may well have followed up on interesting opportunities inside my company and externally if we'd not been TTC. Companies don't advertise their maternity packages to job candidates and it probably wouldn't go down well to move then get pregnant. I've got my first IVF round coming up and am fully expecting to spend the 2 weeks (minimum) of meds trying to do my job whilst feeling unwell also.

How long have you been TTC? Your answer might also depend on where you are with your fertility process and what you're happy with. If you're looking at IVF soon you could always freeze all and come back to it in a year or so and at least you'd have some younger eggs to start with. It depends how open you are to the risk of not having children too. How many kids do you want? Do you have low amh? Would you use donor eggs? Or adopt? (All rhetorical if you don't want to answer). Ultimately though it's all a gamble (even starting now) and in my experience once we started trying I just wanted a baby and so then I want the best odds I can have. I look back at previous promotions I've gone for or new roles and see there are many opportunities and many of them that seemed so important then I barely remember now. I'm expecting having kids and keeping up my job to be hard though and probably cause my career to stagnant for a while, but that's ok to me.

I think there is no denying that pregnancy and maternity leave does set women back, but I think it's what we do afterwards which probably makes the most difference.

A lot of mothers don't return to full-time for years following maternity leave and I'd imagine that makes far more difference than the temporary time off for maternity.

I'd say crack on with TTC, with the aim of going back full-time after - then if it doesn't feel like that's what you want when it comes to it you are free to make that choice :)

@Redheadlondon I believe you've mentioned that you have a husband.

For women with a partner (male or female) the person in that role will be the determining factor in their experience of motherhood.

I think it was Sheryl Sandburg who said that the most important career decision a woman makes is who to have children with.

A good partner will make life easier, a bad one will make everything ten times harder and can actively sabotage you continuing with your career. Just look at the boards on here to see the countless women who not only have a full time job but have to do EVERYTHING else as well.

Of course if you don't have a partner, then that support might be a grandparent or friend... but OP you have a partner. So he is very relevant to this.

DH is definitely relevant. Maybe not if you get a full time nanny (or if your workplace does in fact offer full flexibility to the women you mention without partners, without comprising their career). But the conversation needs to be had - because even in the most equal of relationships it is often the women who the caring work load defaults to. Who will pick up/drop off the kid every day, who makes their breakfast, their dinner, puts them to bed, packs their nursery bag etc. organises their needs, unless you’re assuming you’ll do all these things, you need to talk about it!

My DH is a more than equal partner but I was the one my DD wanted at night, who breastfed, who took the time off work on mat leave, who gets called by nursery when there’s a problem (although now they know to call him as I often can’t answer). It was hard despite the support.

@Redheadlondon your DH is very relevant.

A good partner will support your choices. Enable you to be the mother you want and most importantly, won't make things harder for you.

A friend of mine works part time and her main reason for doing so is her husband. He does very little of the mental load, very little round the house and is as messy as her teenagers. He wouldn't help her to run the house if she worked full time.

On the other side, my husband is very neat and tidy and an active partner. When I worked full time he shared nursery drop offs and collections 50/50. We alternated who took time off for kids being sick etc.

Your single friend might not have a partner, but she will have her support network and your partner should be yours

You have around 35 working years left and around five fertile years.

How long will the promotion take op? I regret not pushing for one more pre kids because once I had the baby I surprised myself by wanting to stay home etc. I compromised by going part time. Personally it's been really rewarding and I am so much happier, but professionally I haven't got any of the jobs I have been for since. Having said that given my way I would have had kids earlier too though. Gone for more promotions and started sooner! No reason why you can't do both? You don't have to tell them you're pregnant until 20 weeks, and they shouldn't discriminate anyway.

Seat now. But recognise it will impact your career, maybe not if you only have one, but I know it has cost me my MD promotion.

I would say there is no good time to have a baby, but if it is important to you don’t leave it too late. I started trying at 36 eventually had a successful pregnancy at 40.
The key is having a good partner willing to share burden. I returned to work after 6 months, was promoted when pregnant and left current company for another external promotion when child was 2, so don’t think it damaged my career but was bloody stressful, tiring and damn hard work. I spent much time in hotel rooms pumping milk and being completely and utterly sleep deprived after getting up three times to fed and leaving home at 5.45 to commute into London.
That said now in a position where we are financially secure and I can afford to outsource.
Being more senior has its advantages in terms of flexibility, but make sure it is not at the cost of actually having a baby!

Think about what you want to look back on when you're 80-90. Will you be happy you did one/the other/both. I was in a similar position but realised that being in a very good career position was a great achievement NOW but thought I'm not sure if I want that to be my only contribution in life. And I'm glad I did have DC because I've just moved companies and after 16 years working at my last one they showed 0 loyalty to me, not even a leaving card. It felt like I had been duped into thinking my colleagues were family whereas they in fact couldn't care less. Im glad I have my family at home who do care!

Look at it this way. You're 34 and have worked hard to get to the top of your field.

You still have at least 16-26 years of working life ahead of you (assuming a retirement of 50-60)

I'm guessing you're university educated so have been working for around 10-12 years.

What is the next step after MD? What will you do for all those years. Where do you go once you're at the top?

If you take 2-4 years now to slow down, take the full maternity leave, work part time. What real impact will that have? Ok it might take some time to regain your place, but you have time.

There is no comparison between the two, baby is much more important than career IMHO. If you are lucky enough to have a baby, you will look back at this post and realise how insignificant it is. My two DS’ are adults now, being their mum has been the best thing ever, I would do it all again if I could, no regrets. If you want a baby, those feelings will get stronger. Wishing you lots of luck.

I'll add to my view that your organisation could drop you like that for any reason. Imagine you wait a bit more then your organisation let's you go...

You need a DH who is an equal partner, and the confidence to set your own boundaries at work. It's easier in some ways to combine a senior role and children, because you are a lot less replaceable. I have a moderately senior role and two fairly young DC now (just came back from.mat leave with DS 2 being 6 months old) and have basically told them what hours I intend to work. I am flexible of course and will always try to accommodate key meetings and do respond to important emails outside of my core hours, but I am confident enough to say what they need to do to keep my (important to the organisation) skillset. DH works 4 days per week and does his fair share on other days.

How much support have you got around you? Does your partner also have the same career ambitions or will they be flexible with their time?

Sod that. Imagine working so hard to get to the top of your career in order to give it up for a baby. I disagree with the other posters personally I would stick at the job. A woman should seek to be financially secure and self reliant before even considering kids. Don't fuck up your personal security. Love yourself first.

My personal view is that it will impact no matter when you do it, so if all the other parts of your life feel ready for a family then go for it. I had my first at 37 - not by choice as I had fertility issues so it took me 5.5 years to get and stay pregnant. I’d got to Director level at this point but it did set back my career by a year or so. The year post mat-leave was a bit of a wilderness period, where I didn’t get my job back. Then I got the next promotion and have got things back on track.

Maternity leave is very likely to have an impact, that’s the sad truth, but I think the bigger impact is determined by what you want when you come back - if you were to return full time after 6 months, it would be very different to returning part time after a year. I’ve just had my second baby, a surprise at 41, and plan to head back after 9 months so DH can take the final 3 months as shared parental leave. I will likely put Ds in nursery for either 4 or 5 days a week and go back 4 days to start with and then full time. I feel very conscious that amongst my friends, my DC are in nursery for more days and that most of them only send their children for 3 days a week. People say it’s hard to know how you’ll feel once you’ve had kids, but I’ve always known that I’d carry on with my career.

If you want a family, you need to crack on.

Sadly I believe women are told they can have great careers and have children, many do but your fears that children will derail your career are a real possibility sadly. I had to make a choice and it cost me a career I had worked hard to achieve and once DC they arrived, I realized where I wanted to be and where I was most needed. Becoming a parent I found I was sidelined at work, but clearly I was always indispensable!

I would start trying for a baby now. You don’t know how long it could take and if you have problems you need time on your side.

What would you regret most if you missed out on one of them?