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Original poster

Dealing with the heartbreak of TTC

40 replies

wannabemumof2 · 26/09/2021 18:19

Hi ladies,

First time poster, long time lurker. Just after some advice really. DH and I have been trying for baby #2 for five cycles now and no luck. I know 5 months isn't particularly long but each month I'm symptom spotting and though telling myself I'm not pregnant, I keep secretly believing that I am and break my heart over each negative test. DD was conceived on the first cycle so we were incredibly lucky but it left me with the silly notion that it would happen easily again. I sobbed all morning over 2 negative tests (no I didn't trust the first one apparently) and just can't go on like this. Everyone says to relax but frankly it's just not possible for me. How do you cope and manage the sadness and frustration? I keep making assumptions like 'oh I'll drive at Christmas because I'm sure I'll be pregnant by then so no drinks for me' or refusing to buy tickets to a concert I'd love because I may have a newborn by then. I feel like I'm living in limbo and feel so lonely!

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you if you read this far!

OP posts:
Kk200989 · 27/09/2021 11:17

We got married in July and left it until then to try, but again wish we had started trying sooner. Aware I'm getting older as well (just turned 32) so that worries me. So nice to speak to people in a similar position as it can feel very lonely. On to another cycle and trying again, fingers crossed and baby dust to all of us. It WILL happen! X

FlyOnTheWall89 · 27/09/2021 10:56

@Kk200989 guys, lets keep this thread going since we are such similar positions.

I have a friend who was married in July and one who is getting married next April and I am already dreading that the one who just got married will be pregnant any day now and the other one has said they are starting as soon as they are married. I fear I will not be pregnant by then :-(. Must try to stay positive. I just bought pre-seed. My DH is scandi and these nicotine pouches are super popular there. He has a very intense full on job and is a very regular user. We hadn't really thought about the impact but we have been doing some reading and he is going to drastically cut down now. Fingers crossed.

Original poster
wannabemumof2 · 27/09/2021 10:30

@Kk200989 yes sounds like there's a lot of us in the same position, if there's anything this thread is teaching me, it's that although we feel so lonely going through this, we're far from alone!

It's so hard not to get your hopes up, especially when you're doing everything you can. It's so painful seeing people's pregnancy announcements, no matter how happy you are for them. I feel so conscious of the age gap, I feel as though time is ticking! I wanted a max of 3 year age gap, originally postponed ttc due to covid then decided to start trying anyway, wish I'd started sooner now!

OP posts:
Kk200989 · 27/09/2021 10:22

I am in exactly the same position to you @wannabemumof2 @newtolineofduty @FlyOnTheWall89. DS will be 3 years in 2 weeks was super easy. Started trying for the 2nd, jut finished my 5th cycle and came on today :( much like you guys trying to convince myself I'm not pregnant each month but secretly hoping I am only to be disappointed again. Tried so much. Vitamins for both me and DH, preseed, ovulation sticks digital and non digital. Loads of DTD and then DTD every other day. Just nothing working and it's heartbreaking. Best friend is also pregnant (started trying at the same time and she caught straight away, she also has a DS 4 months older than my DS). It's just so hard isn't it

Original poster
wannabemumof2 · 27/09/2021 10:19

@WutheringMights thank you so much for your response, it really put things into perspective. I'm so sorry your TTC journey has been so long, I can't even imagine the strength and resilience you have. I'm sending you so much love, hope and baby dust. You're right, I need to start living for me again and not being so obsessive. I find myself watching so many pregnancy related videos online and just sob my heart out while watching them, DH must think I've lost the plot! I think it's time to let go a little as much as it hurts to say that, just see what happens instead of letting it rule my life.

OP posts:
FlyOnTheWall89 · 27/09/2021 10:14

@wannabemumof2 Oh I have done many googling sessions re dates haha. I am less bad now. I think I was very overly excited. It really is such a stressful time. Wise words @WutheringMights - hoping for your BFP soon. xx

WutheringMights · 27/09/2021 10:10

@wannabemumof2 TTC is one of the most stressful things I have ever had to deal with in my life. I feel the pain in every thread I read about TTC struggles. All I would say is please please please don't put life plans on hold. I have been TTC for 5 years and did just that for 4 of those and now look back with some regrets. I wish you the best possible outcome but please also enjoy your life as much as you can right now. Life is incredibly precious xx

Original poster
wannabemumof2 · 27/09/2021 10:08

@FlyOnTheWall89 looks like AF is making a sly appearance today after all so I'm going to take a page out of your book and try to see it as a positive thing and a fresh start for cycle 6 instead of sobbing as I want to 🙈 I've been taking pregnacare conception since May and think I might get DH to start taking some vitamins too.

@BabyFeet92 I thought I was the only one calculating my due date during each cycle! So glad it's not only me who does that! Such a bad habit though, makes the negative tests even more painful. You're right though, I need to live more for the here and now rather than making plans as though I'm already pregnant. Thank you for your support and advice, sending love.

@Chanel05 I'm so so sorry for your loss, what a strong person you are. I'm sending you all the baby dust possible and wishing you all the best, it's such a difficult journey.

Thank you so much all your responses, feeling less lonely for the first time in months ❤️

OP posts:
Chanel05 · 27/09/2021 10:00

@wannabemumof2 I understand your feelings completely.

With my dd, I ttc for 8 months and fell pregnant. Had a mmc and then it took another 8 months to conceive her. The first 8 months felt like a lifetime and the second 8 were stressful, heartbreaking and distressing for me. Both times I fell pregnant I'd 'given up'. I also had fertility acupuncture and with my first pregnancy, I fell pregnant that cycle first time but with the second pregnancy, it took 3 months of acupuncture.

You will get there and I understand it's frustrating, particularly as you were first time with your first child. Unfortunately, it just comes down to luck.

I'm on the first month of ttc number 2 and I'm fully expecting a long journey.

BabyFeet92 · 27/09/2021 09:53

@wannabemumof2 I completely feel you frustration!

We are of cycle 7 now, trying for baby 1. Although I know 7 cycles are not that long in the greater scheme of things, it feels very long to me and it's difficult not to start panicking and loose hope.

At the start I was also hesitant to make plans in advance, because I was sure I'd be pregnant by then. Now I really make an effort to try and live my life as normally as possible, and I think it helps a bit. If I do get pregnant, we can always rearrange on cancel the plans.

I also have the terrible habit of calculating the potential "due date" every cycle and thinking how far along I'll be a certain points. I'm trying my best to stop doing that.

Something else that helps me is to try and keep very busy (especially during the TWW) and to avoid google every little thing (saying that while I was busy googling things on mumsnet Blush ) and to talk to my husband when I feel overwhelmed (none of my friends really know so it can be very lonely).

I'm not sure if this post is very helpful at all, I guess I just wanted to say what you are feeling is normal, and you are not alone in feeling that. This whole ttc thing is difficult and frustrating. It's such an emotional rollercoaster. I really hope you have someone to talk to and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you won't have to wait much longer Flowers.

FlyOnTheWall89 · 27/09/2021 08:45

@wannabemumof2 I also find I feel way better when my cycle starts again. More positive, another chance, a fresh month etc. So if you feel really down, just think it will probably get better (even if it’s a negative again which sends you into negative teary mess for a few days like me).

This month we are both taking ALL the vitamins and I feel much better than I did last week. X

Original poster
wannabemumof2 · 27/09/2021 07:48

Hi @FlyOnTheWall89 thank you for your response ☺️

I agree, it's so difficult! When you out 5 months into perspective, it's nothing. But when you're TTC it feels like forever. I know I should go about my life as normal and just book things but I overthink it all as I had a few things booked for 2019 which was the year I had DD, I had to give tickets to friends as we hadn't expected to conceive so quickly, wish that was my problem now!

I hope things work out for you with your career decisions. It's impossible to know what to do for the best isn't it, there's no telling how long it'll take to conceive but you don't feel like you can just carry on as though you weren't TTC either!

Thank you, yes the same here we've kept it a secret and it feels so lonely! Think I need to be more active on here so that I have some company. Sending you best wishes and baby dust xxx

OP posts:
FlyOnTheWall89 · 27/09/2021 07:34

@wannabemumof2 hi! Similar situation- I have just finished cycle 5 of TTC first baby. I know a lot of people who, like you, conceived first time on number 1. I am wondering how they’ll find number 2 because it is bloody hard even just 5 cycles in.

Firstly, I don’t think you should make or not make plans based on something that’s not happened yet. You just never know when you’ll become pregnant again. I am finding this very hard myself but only in terms of my job because ideally I would like to move on but because of my notice period I could be starting another job pregnant which I don’t think would go down well at all… (I’m a teacher and would be going into a deputy head role).

I convinced myself I was pregnant last cycle. I took 2/3 tests between 10 and 13DPO. I was so upset so I guess like everyone says, don’t build up hopes until you’re actually late for AF.

I am maybe a 3 weeks into reading this forum and it does help to feel in the same boat as other women. I haven’t told family / friends we are trying to conceive and don’t intend to so having somewhere to share concerns has been amazing. Keep posting here if you find it useful to talk. They’ll alwYs be someone willing to chat and answer questions xxx

Original poster
wannabemumof2 · 27/09/2021 07:24

@newtolineofduty

Thank you so much for responding ☺️ sounds like we're in exactly the same situation! Well done on being so proactive. I definitely think I need to start being the same, I'm so so grateful for DD and have also started being able to take some time for myself every now and then as she's nearly 2 and a half and for the first 2+ years I never went out with friends without bringing DD along or did anything for myself. It's the way I wanted it but glad of some personal time every now and then so will try to focus on that. Can feel the hope building again though as no signs of AF yet so wondering if I ovulated later and could still have a chance for this month. I decided not to test for ovulation this month to try and be calmer haha, typical! Definitely torturing myself. Sending you good thoughts and baby dust xxx

OP posts:
newtolineofduty · 26/09/2021 22:25

Hey hun! Had to reply as I could have written this myself! Also conceived DD straight away three years ago. Just finished fertile week of cycle 5! This last couple of months I've actually coped much better and put it down to a number of reasons. I've made a conscious decision NOT to symptom spot I.e. no googling! I've also accepted I'm now older and it will take longer. I've also committed to not testing early or counting down to AF due date. Basically giving it less headspace so I don't feel as resentful when I'm not pregnant! I've also been focusing lots on self care-gym and healthy eating etc-helps me feel that I'm taking a bit of control back. Finally, I've also been making lots of plans, and continuing to make plans as if I won't have have a baby eg booking theatre tix for next year so that I feel like I'm still 'living'. I'm also really focusing on enjoying my DD even more than I do usually. Every month that I don't conceive number two I just feel more and more lucky to have her! Sending love. TTC is horrific xxx

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