Received dream job offer and now the news that we may not be able to conceive naturally

After the fertility appointment we had a massive argument ... because I got the blame for wanting to wait before marriage to start a family. Now that we are married I received this job opportunity and I have told him I will a fertility test to rest his mind until I am over the probation period (1year). But now I'm in a dilemma ... both his mom and himself thinks we should have tried sooner before all this happened. I'm basically now in the "dog house". I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish... when I just wanted to be in a better position financially and have a job which could give me better career opportunities not just for myself but for a family ...

This is truly disgusting to read and why I think we need MN and not some… other… sites. Whatever our problems, however many bun fights, we have plenty of the “feminism means supporting a woman’s right to choose her own life” type of feminists here. And it sounds like you need to hear from them. You have made ALL the right choices to put not just yourself, but also your future children (!) in the best and most protected position possible. I hope your husband is a great man, but marriage offers a lot more protection so he can’t just swan off and leave you holding the bag. Also, it sounds like you’ve gone through so much to get this dream job. I mean, if he was willing to completely sacrifice any career or hope of future income or pension to be a stay at home dad, then maaaaybe you could have a discussion about having a child sooner. Yet somehow, and this is just a guess, he’s never offered to do this? Especially since the reason you’re considering maybe giving up your DREAM JOB is if you have to stay home with baby. A baby that he and his family think you should have just magically had sooner. I don’t love how that sounds.

If he’s otherwise normally kind and loving, I’d hope this is just a knock-on from being upset about his fertility news (shocking how some men reeeeeeeally don’t deal well with the “news” that it’s their problem, but expect women to just get on with fixing things if the problem is on our side). Someone needs to find a kind way to tell him a blunt truth: it’s a hell of a lot easier to fix problems on the male side, as people have been doing the equivalent of artificial insemination for centuries, AND a blockage can often be fixed, AND unless he is providing 100% childcare and carrying the pregnancy, he doesn’t get to guilt you OR pressure you. And his family need to keep their beak out. This very much should have just been between you as a couple. Good lord.

Take the job. A baby could be in a year. A baby could be in three years. But the job is your dream and it’s available now, and it does not mean you can’t ever have a baby. So tell your husband, if he’s the one making you feel this way, or give your own head a wobble if you are, that it will not stop you having a family when the time is right.

Why is his mum involved in this decision? OP in the nicest possible way that’s nothing to do with his mum - you have a DH problem!

Take the job.
But carry on ttc.
The cost of ivf is probably higher thwn the difference in mat to MA. Dc2 cost 10k.
Many trust dont pay for ivf now only icsi. And our one closed.
If you want more than one dc i also wouldnt delay.

Based on your posts I don't think there's any point fretting now when you're still far off having a full picture.

Just wait and see what the next SA comes back with and explore if there are ways to clear the blockage if that's still a problem.

Also if you have his semen frozen from prior to his operation... why does that mean you have to try for a baby now? Surely just deal with it post probation if that makes you feel better, sounds like you've put an artificial deadline/rush on TTC.

Your DH needs to stop listening to his mother, he's married to you, not her! I completely understand him feeling dreadful after the first meeting but his mother is not helping the situation.

Both of you need to approach this calmly. You have plenty of time, your age is on your side. Take the job and tell your DH to stop listening to his mother.

I don't think you're selfish for getting yourself in a stable position before having a family.

You're only 30 as well. You've got plenty of time to settle into your job.

If it helps, DH started trying at 29 and our son was born when we were 32. My husband only has 1 testicle. It did take us a while and even with just one testicle he was still making sperm, it was just taking its sweet time to find my eggs.

I think you and husband need to let the dust settle a bit. He's being a knob though at the moment and putting major pressure on you.

Take some time and try to talk about it rationally.

I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish

Wow that's awful. . You're improving your financial position before starting a family and establishing a career you can hopefully return to. Taking into account the possibility of IVF costs (although you should qualify for one round on the NHS) you're being logical and sensible.

No woman should be expected to sacrifice their career or their choices to bear their husband's offspring.

It's time your husband's family stopped being involved in your choices. It really isn't their place to apply pressure and guilt trip you in this way.
You can ask your husband to stop involving his mother if she's going to start throwing emotional blackmail around!

I don't see why you can't have both.

You're in an extremely fortunate position. You've been offered a dream job and been given some insight into your fertility.

I left the NHS (who offer a generous mat package) to work in the private sector (who offer nothing regardless of service), before I had even stepped foot into my new role I found out I was pregnant. I picked the job as there are no guarantees of a successful pregnancy and my career is important to me.

IVF takes a long time! Most Uni's require 12 months service for their Mat packages, you could be waiting that long for IVF.

Personally I would go for both!

[quote 20viona]@SW1amp OP has stated her OH has 0 sperm so IVF may be an option that's why I said you can do both 🤷🏼‍♀️[/quote]
Ah sorry, I misread it as both being start the news job and TTC because if you get pregnant straight away (or start the new job newly pregnant) you’ll still get mat pay

In your shoes I would wait for 1 year. You can use this time for further medical tests. I wouldn't risk the new job you wanted so much

I'm sorry you're feeling such pressure from your dh and your mother in law. I actually think that's very unfair and your original plan to ttc after being a year established in your new job sounds very sensible, despite the potential issues.

Your husband's fertility issues sound surmountable. It would be wise for him to prioritise getting his sperm count analysed again and talking to his consultant about corrective surgery to his blocked duct if that is deemed necessary. He will then be taking action to improve your chances.

Perhaps a compromise would be to try (naturally) after 6 months ? You certainly shouldn't be made to feel you have no choice in this huge decision.
It's great news that you have no fertility issues yourself as this will greatly improve your success with conceiving, with or without medical intervention.

After the fertility appointment we had a massive argument ... because I got the blame for wanting to wait before marriage to start a family. Now that we are married I received this job opportunity and I have told him I will a fertility test to rest his mind until I am over the probation period (1year). But now I'm in a dilemma ... both his mom and himself thinks we should have tried sooner before all this happened. I'm basically now in the "dog house". I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm selfish... when I just wanted to be in a better position financially and have a job which could give me better career opportunities not just for myself but for a family ...

Your husband's mother and his family don't get a say in what you do with your body, or your choices about having children, and I'm not wild about the sound of your husband if he's blaming you. Of course you shouldn't have tried sooner -- you're a junior academic. Decent jobs are like gold dust, and the general treadmill of covering maternity leaves and sabbaticals at different institutions is way harder to do with a small child. I had a former doctoral student who was commuting internationally with a toddler for her first fixed-term contract.

You should absolutely take this job, and stop panicking about having a child, get more accurate test results etc -- and tell your husband's family to back the fuck off.

Congratulations on your job -- I know all too well how soul-destroying it can be to get to where you are. Best wishes with it all.

@SW1amp OP has stated her OH has 0 sperm so IVF may be an option that's why I said you can do both 🤷🏼‍♀️

Before that, you get maternity allowance but it’s quite a bit lower

As a basic rule of thumb, if your due date is under a year from the 1st anniversary of the date you joined, you won’t get mat pay

You can absolutely do both. Babies take 9 months to brew, I'm
Sure you'll qualify for some Mat pay even if it were to happen straight away.

As someone whose husband also had fertility issues you are in a much better position than most as you have found out early to give you more time. It would have been much worse if you started trying next year then spent a year trying before tests etc. Its positive you know now. The problem would not have gone away just because you didnt know about it.

The job is totally separate. Take the job and many congrats on your dream job.

It can take years to get pregnant without issues. I remember the first month we tried to conceive and I was so excited. In the end it took us 5 years to have our first baby.

You won't lose your job if you get pregnant quickly.

If you do get pregnant quickly you should be so grateful. Chances are that it will take much longer especially if you need treatment. If you get pregnant the first month of your new job then lucky you - dream job and a baby. It could be worse. You might never get pregnant. Stop looking at the negatives and just be grateful if you get pregnant.

If you have frozen sperm you can do IUI. Success rates are low though so clinics will probably push you to ivf anyway.

The time limit applies to female fertility not male!

OP in the nicest possible way take the job and try to enjoy life

Take the job. Leave the TTC for a bit - wait for your new test results.

It’s understandable that you & DH are panicking, but it doesn’t sound like there’s much to panic about right now, and you’re the same age as me! You’re not at last-chance saloon.

Wait for the results from the second test. If there’s an issue, you’ll have started the job and can talk about options. If there’s not, you can stick to your plan to be well bedded in and TTC when you intended, or you can bring it forward but still make sure you’re confident and happy at work.

There’s a very real chance that if you rush through TTC now and get pregnant quickly, you or DH will feel misled and stressed. It’s a massive decision.

Like I said, I’m the same age as you, and 25 weeks pregnant with a much-planned and wanted baby that we conceived in month 2 of trying. I very much want the baby, but I feel odd at times that it was so fast, and I’ve been at my job for years, and have most things that I wanted in place. It’s a big, irreversible change.

On the tiny off chance you fall pregnant this year then of course you can continue working for the most part of your pregnancy

I don’t think the chance is “tiny” though.

Reading between the lines the clinic the o/p wasn’t reputable, and there is a bigger chance that the results are wrong- the dh has previously had normal sperm counts pre-op, and the consultant who did the op thinks it’s extremely unlikely he’s gone from normal to 0 sperm count in a couple of years, even taking into account complications from the surgery.

Hang in there o/p.

It sounds as though you're feeling huge pressure to begin ttc immediately, not only from dh but also his family?

I think it makes sense to wait a few months and settle into your new job, as you planned. You have time on your side.

As mentioned, it's likely that you'll be able to pursue less invasive methods to help you conceive, including artificial insemination, or a surgical procedure to correct your husband's blocked duct. I assume he is producing sperm in his testes, it's just not being ejaculated?

It would be crazy to make yourself unemployed on the very slim chance you may fall pregnant naturally within a year. There's probably more chance of a fertile couple falling pregnant whilst using contraception than you have.

On the tiny off chance you fall pregnant this year then of course you can continue working for the most part of your pregnancy.
You can't sit about at home for a year earning nothing, just in case you get pregnant.

So from what you say this 0% count is from a clinic with really bad reviews, and sounds like the result may well be incorrect in order to sign you up for IVF treatment with them?

Wait for the results from the urologist before you do anything. If the results are no different you can think about trying naturally then.

It sounds like this first clinic is a con. I know it’s hard but wait for the re test.