Problems with family member over IVF

hi i just read through the thread and thought i would share my experience with you.
i found out i was pregnant when i was 20 (im 25 now) and my immediate reaction was that i would keep the baby even though the babys father wasnt in the picture any more. i decided to tell my friends who i (somewhat naively) expected would be very supportive. one friend had a quite bad reaction to my news and told me she wouldnt speak to me if i didnt 'get rid'!! (she was 24 at the time) i was really upset by this and asked another friend to find out why this was her reaction. she told me later that my friend had found out a few weeks before that she had polycystic ovaries and was unlikely to concieve when she wanted to and was angry at me for getting pregnant by accident. i for a long time didnt understand her jealousy and fell out of the friendship because of this. i then miscarried at 15 weeks and she said to me how sorry she was but at least i wont have to worry about the birth now!( this was the following day after i had been discharged from the hospital) this was the worst thing anybody has ever said to me and it obviously showed how bitter she felt towards her diagnosis.
i had a talk with her about a year afterwards about it as i didnt think that she realised what she said and how much it hurt me and she told me that she couldnt bring herself to be happy for anybody who was able to have children and she was trying to make light of the awful situation. she is now still extremely bitter towards anybody with children and she completely cut me out of her life when me and my DH got pregnant with our DD after 9 months of TTC. she was not at all supprtive to me during the time that i was trying to concieve and seemed happy that it wasnt happening for us. since i had my DD we have stopped speaking on the whole and although i understand the reasons for her lack of understanding i still find that it hurts that somebody who was supposed to be my friend couldnt be happy for me and my DH especially after she was there during my MC.
while i know that those who have alot of trouble TTC can store alot of resentment for people who seemingly have no trouble, it still hurts when the poeple close to you cant be happy and supportive to you in the time you need them the most. it is not your fault that you have not had trouble TTC the same as it is not her fault that she has.i dont know whether i would have felt different if it was my sister but i have been in both boats and i was still supportive to my friend (a different friend) when she found out she was pregnant with her second around the time i was struggling to concieve my first (2nd pregnancy overall) she went on to have a DS and it took me another couple of months to get pregnant.
i can understand that you are feeling left out by your family and i hope that everybody around you can be more supportive in the future. HTH
xx ei xx

Hi, my sister had 3 failed IVF and has decided not to keep on trying, and since she found she can't had kids naturally she won't have anything to do with my kids, hardly even acknowledging the last 2 I have had. She doesn't even speak to me now, which is hard but I can't not have children because she can't!

I understand what you are going through but I'm afraid I haven't any suggestions as I am also stuck with this situation.

I'm glad you asked the questions, it's lovely that you have a better understanding of what your sister is going through. And, to be honest, it was interesting for me to look back on our infertility and realise that I've come through it now (as hopefully your sister will).

Has she been having IVF for long? When I had it all the hormones made me a bit nuts, and the longer I did it the more irritable and touchy I was. Plus the whole process gave me tunnel vision, I was focused on getting pregnant and I had to remind myself to think about other things now and then.

I'm sure she'll feel better as things progress, she may even change her mind about the type of delivery when she's feeling more confident.

Hayleyandbaby- what a lovely sign off. you are obviously very thoughtful and reflective
best wishes to you and your sister too...just wait 'til the wee bouncers arrive

Remember its not about you, it's about how she feels about herself, and what she wants for herself. She just wants what you have, which doesn't mean she doesn't want that for you too. She's probably terrified that she'll miscarry (you're past the most dangerous point, she's right at the beginning of it).

I haven't ever had problems conceiving but I have a severely disabled child and in the early days I found it impossible to be around children of his age- I would come home and sob, if my sister had had a child of the same age I would have had to have had some space for a while because I think it would have been too painful to see a cousin doing everything I wanted my child to be able to do. It wouldn't have been about the cousin or my sister, just about what I wanted for my child- and coming to terms with not having that.

I would give her some space, you may find she relaxes a bit after the frist trimester.

I know exactly how both you and your sister feel. My SIL conceived first month of trying when DH and I had been trying for nearly a year. My brother, who is a love, but not always very sensitive, kept going on at a family occassion about how fertile they must be! Mother had to stroke my arm under the table to stop me stabbing him with a fork. Fortunately 2 months before nephew was born I got lucky on Metformin and conceived DS who is now 8.5 months and the light of my life.

On the other hand whilst I was pregnant a friend was having her own fertiltiy difficulties. She found it very difficult to be happy for me and other friends who were pregnant, the fact that I had struggled to conceive yet managed it was no comfort to her in her own situation, she was convinced she would never be a mother. Fortunately she is now herself the proud mummy of a lovely 6 week old.

Good luck to you and your sister.

Hi Hayleyandbaby - yes, you touched a nerve, but you didn't offend. Well done for trying to find out more about ways to support your relationship with your sister.

I resented my younger sis (and anyone else) who fell pg easily as it took over 18mnths ttc dd and then i had threatened mc till 20weeks my sis got pg first month ttc she had no probs no sickness etc the one thing in the worl that should have brought us closer together pushed us apart!
at the end of her pgcy she has trapped nerve back ache was sick etc where as mine flew by easy labour birth just a graze.
it was me who sat with her whilst she was in bath rubbing her back breathing with her ringing her dp because she didnt want to leave without her dp it was me who showed her how to bath the baby supported her when she decided not to bf me who made up bottles/washed them etc watched both our babys whilst she had a bath/slept there is 11 weeks between out babys and i hardly see my sister or my neice (her dp doesnt like me )
my dd is now 18mo my neice is 15mo i now know that my sister was also jealous of me and my being able/knowing how to do stuff for the baby's!
your sister will need your support and you allowing her to be involved in your dc so she has they knowledge when she has the twins which will be hard work!

IVF

Hi Hayleybaby - just worked out the sums. At the point where you probably announced you were pregnant, she was injecting herself daily with huge amounts of hormones and trying to come to terms with the overwhelming emotions surrounding knowing that she would soon know whether her greatest wish/need had been fulfilled. No wonder she couldn't celebrate with you. I know her behaviour may seem selfish to you, but I think you're being a bit unreasonable expecting her to focus on your pregnancy while she was going through ICF.

Also, at 6+1, and carrying twins, she is probably very aware that she could still miscarry one or both babies, and is not ready to start celebrating yet. Yes, you're right, she probably is feeling envious of your pregnancy bump and the fact that you've started buying things. It's what she wants more than anything in the world.

Your experiences of pregnancy are never going to be the same, however, your experiences of new parenthood might be more similar.

I think you really need to just back off for a while and let her deal with her pregnancy in her own way. Let her know (subtely) that you're interested in her pregnancy and leave the door open for her to re-build the relationship when she's ready.

Oh blimey, so not only are you more pregnant than her (i.e. out of the first scariest 12 weeks), but you're younger and have been TTC for 2 minutes, whereas she's older and has been trying for eons.
You're obviously lovely, or you wouldn't be on here asking for advice and trying to understand what she's going through. If I had the option of being in my 20s, really fertile and 16 weeks pregnant and not being able to be happy about it around the family because my sister was a looney, or 6 weeks pregnant, needing IVF and in my 30s, I know which I'd rather, if you see what I mean.

She prob also feels that you have stolen her thunder a bit. She is older and has been trying for ages and been through a lot to get to where she is. She will have known when she would be having her treatment and prob daydreamed about getting PG and telling everyone and everyone being excited for HER. And you - 8 yrs younger - get PG easily and just before her. So first baby in family won't her hers and she prob feels that it tarnishes her joy a bit.

Logical? No.

But what pregnant woman is?

Hayleyandbaby - congratulations to you and your sister. i hope you are both well and that pg proceeds nicely as u both grow rounder

your sisiter has een through a raelly terrifying/scarey/invasisve/sore process and examined by more doctors than you can shake a stick at, which fortnately resulted in a pg.

but guess what?!she is now v probably bricking it, scared, frightened, feeling inadequate and insecure. worrying she can not do this. all that pent up anxiety, worry, that takes years to accumulate so will not go away just because she is pg. it may take a really long time to resolve, as it builds up over . it does not simply disappear because you are pg

she might still be niggly, but i bet she and you really support each other when it comes to it. you sound like a marvelous sister who is worried about your Big or wee sis

so go with the flow on this one, i reckon it will be okay

The weekend I went to see my parents to tell them that dh and I were going to have fertility treatment, my sister turned up to tell them that she was pregnant. I was 2 years older than her, and had been trying for over a year. She had been trying for 3 months.

6 weeks later, she found out it was twins.

My world just fell apart. I could cope with most people being pregnant, but not my sister. I felt wracked with guilt about how much I resented her, but couldn't bear to see her when she was pregnant. I didn't want to hear her talking about being pregnant, or worse still, complaining about being pregnant and feeling sick/tired, when it was something I wanted to feel more than anything in the world.

Things got a little easier once she'd had her babies. 6 months later I found out I was pregnant. To my sister's enormous credit, she never, ever held against me the fact that I had kept completely away from her while she was pregnant. As my sister, she just understood how awful it had been for me, not being able to conceive, and loved me enough just to be overwhelminghly glad that we eventually had her baby.

I suppose what I'm trying to say that unless you have suffered from infertility, you can never really understand how it tears your heart out when you hear about other people being pregnant, or when you know that the only way you will have a child, or subsequent children is with major medical intervention. You will never know the unexpected joy and realisation that your period is late. You have no control over the way things happen.

Your sister having a cs may be her way of having some control. She will need a huge amount of support once she's had the baby too. She may have spent years imagining what it will be like when she's a mummy, and it's unlikely that real life will match up.

I hope that, like us, once your sister has had the baby, she will start to see the similarities again between you. Until then, you just need to give her your love and support and understand that whilst no more loved than your child, her child is far harder won.

sounds wise. she will get over it, but (as you said) its difficult to understand unless youve been there. wishing you both well for the rest of your pregnancies x

agree with mrstittlemouse. its horrible to go through fertility problems especially when everyone around you can just get pregnant without any trouble. ive stopped seeing friends because they have had their babies on my edd's and for a long time (pre-ds) i hated my lil sis because she had 3 abortions when i couldn't even get pregnant.

Sorry, have to disagree with lljkk, I think that she will come round once (hopefully) everything is all OK for both of you. I found infertility to be a lot like bereavement, at the time it felt as though nothing would ever be the same again, but I've come through both, just a bit older, wiser and sadder.

I'd peg her as resentful, even if she can't see that for herself. I think you have to detach and keep your distance, really.
From what you say, She is obviously being unreasonable, but it's partly the physical ordeal she's been thru.
The worst thing about her jealousy is, nothing is guaranteed, there's plenty of scope for your pregnancy to still have severe problems or you could end up with secondary fertility. I hope it doesn't take that kind of sad outcome for relations to improve between you 2.

PS I compared myself unfavourably to everyone who became pregnant in between my TTC and actually having DD, I would imagine it's worse between sisters, especially as you will have your DB first, and all the attention will be on you just as she's getting really scared about the birth. Still not your fault of course.