Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

Morning everyone!

@HopefulGlow well I actually went for a near cream carpet.. but more cream-beige than the cream-white I had originally picked. I want our bedroom to be suuuuper chill, all neutrals etc. I keep calling it the “zen den” and my DH just rolls his eyes 😂 we’re moving to one at the back of the house because the front is a bit too traffic noisy, so I fancy having a quiet, chilled wee sanctuary!

How did your phone call with the doctors go?

@AZ1992X I love your prep! I do the cooking too, just for DH and my parents. We’re veggie but they aren’t, so always meat and veggie options at this end too.

How are you doing this morning?

@User1400 how’s your week treating you?

Xx

@HopefulGlow ah I’m keeping my fingers crossed you will be ❤️

Oo that sounds lovely - I may end up taking you up on your offer. Thinking some sort of tomato soup as It’ll be veggie too?

I really hope so although I don’t want go get my hopes up too much - I have quite a few nice things/breaks planned in November & December so least I have things to look forward too and keep me busy. This year has just flown by hasn’t it?

@AZ1992X yea I really hope so! If not we will be eating Christmas dinner on unpacked boxes 😂 as long as the decorations are out, I don’t care!

Oooo if you need any veggie recipes let me know! I did a yummy festive Wellington a couple of years ago and I’ve been obsessed with it since. I might do it again this year 😍

Ooo I haven’t even thought about starters! Great idea. What soup are you thinking? So many exciting things to plan 😁

Your mains sound so good!! Oooo I’m trying not to get too carried away haha Yule log sounds delicious too🤤 I need to step my game up.

I’m so sorry it would be your due date around then too, that’s so heartbreaking. It’s nice that your OH is mindful of that too though. Hopefully you will get those two lines as a Christmas present 💝

It’s scary to think there’s only that long left of the year, I sound like my mum but, it’s gone too fast! 😩 ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow that sounds exciting! Hopefully you’ll be all settled in by Christmas?

We have one veggie for Christmas but haven’t thought about that option yet. We normally do starters so soup/bread (thought about attempting homemade rolls but will see) and maybe prawn cocktail.
Mains will be doing both turkey & gammon with all the sides - red cabbage, cauliflower cheese, roasties , parsnips, stuffing , pigs in blankets & all the veggies.
Haven’t decided on dessert yet but I do think chocolate Yule log will be on the list 😂😂

I ordered from there last year a few times and really liked the stuff.

I know me too 😔, would be lovely to get a positive before Christmas.
I think it will be hard as my due date would of been just before Christmas (OH reminded me the other day) didn’t mean it in a horrible way but it got to me. Im hoping for some good news before Christmas but will only be two cycles left once AF arrives.

Morning everyone! ☀️ 💗 🥰

@AZ1992X ooooo I love it!! We are meant to be moving soon and I want to get a chest freezer or a big American style fridge freezer to fit more stuff in. THEN I will write an epic Christmas food and drinks list 😍

What’s your Christmas Day food looking like? I think I want to do a meaty option and a veggie option. In case I’m feeling greedy haha

Oh my goodness I haven’t heard of them! Thank you, I will look now 😍

I’m so sorry to hear abut your bbt dropping 😔 I hope you’re managing to stay positive!

I was thinking yesterday how nice it would be to tell people you’re expecting at Christmas, or even finding out yourself! If not….I think I might consume extra wine this year 😩 ✨💕✨

Morning all!

@User1400 I’m glad you’re feeling much better after getting it all of your chest, sounds like it was just sent you needed ❤️

Yes - I’m very obsessed with Christmas and it gives me a welcome distraction from all things ttc so I’ve started my shopping 😂

@HopefulGlow Very well 😂 - I’ve done a full shopping list for food/drinks at Christmas. I normally do the cooking so I like to be organised.

Ah that’s annoying about the tableware but I’m sure you could defo do something yourself! Let me know how they turn out if you do 😌
Have you heard of Gingerray? They do nice decorations.

My BBT has dropped a bit this morning so think I’m out this month and expecting AF to arrive by tomorrow. 😔

@AZ1992X he can be very supportive, sometimes it just takes a little patience to get his feelings to come out. But he is very supportive 💕

How are your Christmas lists going? I’ve started planning my Christmas table decorations 😂 I found some beautiful plates on Pinterest that were white with embossed snowflakes on. But they don’t make them anymore 😭 so now I’m trying to figure out if I can get plain white plates and somehow put the snowflakes on myself?! 🤔 hmmmm….

Oh good, I’m the same 😁😁 my whole day is planned around food 😍😍 have you planned your Christmas food yet??

@Amy259 I’m with you! Let’s trust Google and hope that doesn’t happen to us. We all have enough to think about 😂 ooo we are the same then!! It’s crazy how long it’s been already. Fingers crossed it’s not much longer for us all ✨

Eeeeek yay for the carpet!! What colour did you go for? Don’t worry, darker is always better to hide any spills 😂

I’m phoning the doctors tomorrow to do my second bloods. So I’m trying to keep positive about that.

Has everyone had a good weekend? ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow Oh you're so right, me and my OH are definitely a balance! If we were both as emotional as me, we would spend half the month on the sofa in tears together hahaha. Sometimes it can feel like he's too much the other way (unemotional), but I am thankful that he's 'strong' for the both of us and I can lean on him when I'm struggling.

Ah, short cycles must be bitter sweet as you have less time to process all the ups and downs that come with each month.. but at least it means you can crack on quicker with having another pop at it! I know what you mean about people judging you, rationally you know it's silly to think that way but sometimes your mind runs away with you. Glad you have managed to get over that roadblock and are open minded to treatment, sometimes our brains really are our own worst enemies🤗.

I'm now on cycle 23 although I have mentioned we cannot TTC this month due to HyCosy. I feel the same about thinking it's not going to happen anymore and I'm ready to accept treatment.. but deep down I do still have hope it just 'happens'.

@AZ1992X Thank you 💓. I managed to have a talk with my OH and I met another friend for coffee today and just got it all off my chest, I am feeling so much better for it 😪.

I think I may have missed some Christmas chat.. have you started shopping already? Very organised!

@Amy259 Ooh okay, thank you for clarifying! I will remove from my long list of worries 😆.

Hahaha, that sentence about the doctors made me laugh. Too true, sometimes it's just easier telling a stranger what's going on, then you don't have to worry about what they are saying when you leave!

Can't believe it's Monday tomorrow already.. away to have a lovely tea after a pretty crap weekend and cosy up with a film 🍿 xx

Hi ladies, happy Sunday!

Apologies for any additional stress caused by the genetic incompatibility thing and to anyone who has now added it to their worries list - the dangers of revealing what you’re currently stressing about! The good news is that according to Dr Google, it’s not really a thing assuming neither has a chromosomal issue - so basically, if you can make babies with anyone, you can make babies with your OH! There’s some Sunday science for you all 😂😂

The couple talking about it on that podcast must just not know who the problem is? Although they were told by doctors that they should use either an egg donor or a sperm donor, it didn’t matter which, it was just that her egg and his sperm wouldn’t fertilise - which she called genetic incompatibility, so who knows. Let’s just trust google 😂

@HopefulGlow I ordered a carpet today - although I keep having buyers remorse and wondering if I should’ve got a lighter shade, but I’m always like that with big purchases! 😂 I’ll love it when it’s down.
Also I think I’m around cycle 15 too, although I’ve lost count and I don’t want to look back haha. My cycles are about 30-32 days and it’s been about 15/16 months so must be about that.

@User1400 yeah I’m not ready to talk about it with families yet, it’ll become just a bit too real for me (which sounds entirely ridiculous given numerous doctors have looked between my legs already 🙃).
100% bring on your hycosy - it’s another box ticked and another thing off the list, if nothing else!

@AZ1992X glad you’re managing to keep yourself busy and distracted, going out for lunch sounds dreamy. I can’t believe it’s Monday tomorrow already!

Evening everyone,

I hope everyone’s weekend hasn’t been too bad?

@HopefulGlow I’m glad your OH has been supportive and very open about it with you ❤️ He sounds great. I find they always try and be really strong and hide there emotion so that’s great he was able to share with you!

Nothing exciting just had a good tidy/clean, more Christmas lists and just made a Sunday roast. We’re off out tomorrow somewhere and will probably find somewhere nice to go for lunch too.

I’m 100 percent a eater 😂😂 defo obsessed with food , I do like cooking and a bit of baking too although nothing too complicated. A sponge is about as good as I get.

@User1400 I agree with the others on how strong you are, it must have been really hard and I’m not sure I could of kept my feelings in. I hope you’re doing ok ❤️

@User1400 my OH is the same most of the time, he shuts off and goes quiet when things get too emotional. But like you say, I know they try their best and feel/show it in their own way.

I’m a very emotional person too, I wear it on my sleeve. But maybe we balance each other out that way? If our OH were like us, it may be a bit too much haha

I’m on cycle 15, just counted as I was before I was just counting months, but I have 3 week cycles so it’s a bit more 😫 I still hold hope that it will just happen. But as more time goes on, it feels less likely. BUT I am in a place where I feel ready to accept it & the help. I was scared of people judging me, and that’s just silly 🤦🏼‍♀️

What cycle are you on now?

I’m having a lazy day again. Painting and maybe baking! Or at least attempt to haha my cramps have been bad this month and I’m usually okay. So I’m feeling extra sorry for myself lol

Can you give me some umpire to clean please? Haha I have a big pile of washing that needs putting away 😂 ✨💕✨

@Amy259 Me too, I 100% thought I'd be pregnant within months of trying.. In my mind I should have a 1 year old by now (I try not to think that way too often). It's really hard when I see friends who have only just decided they want kids and it happens almost straight away, it's tough to have them telling me what it's like to be pregnant when I imagined it being the other way around, in my head I'm 2 yrs ahead of them!

Oh wowee, I've never heard of not being compatible😖.. another thing for us to stress about urghhh.

That's good both sets of parents have laid off.. I can totally understand keeping it from them for as long as you can, it's already a handful coping with your own emotions, never mind dealing with everyone else worrying too. In saying that I'm glad I told my parents, my mum has taken her foot off the gas, although it is scary speaking it into existence that we're struggling to conceive.

HyCosy 28 Oct, I was really worried about it initially but now I'm just thinking, bring it on! I just want to know what is going on and get the ball rolling for treatment. Obviously I hope we ultimately don't need treatment but that seems like where it's heading so I just want to get the show on the road.

@HopefulGlow Aww that is very sweet your OH was open in showing emotion, definitely very comforting. Sounds like you had a lovely cosy evening 🥰 I usually start to feel more positive once AF is gone, dust myself off and look ahead at the opportunity the new cycle brings! Remind me, what cycle are you on?

OH has always been closed off when it comes to physically showing emotion, so I know that won't change.. he reassures me he's feeling it inside but it can be tough when I am so visibly emotional, it makes me feel a bit silly. It got to the stage that I was sobbing and mulling about for a couple of days every time AF arrived and he said we couldn't keep going through all of these motions every month and I was like, do you think I want to feel this way?! I think he is still under the impression it will just 'happen'.. which comes with its own frustrations as I feel he doesn't fully understand what could be ahead of us.

I am extremely glad he is allowed to attend my HyCosy as I hope having a face to face discussion with a doctor will give him a little bit of a reality check.

How is everyone doing today? Chill day on the cards for me cleaning the house I think 🧼 🧹

Thanks for the love ladies! I’m trying not to feel so glum, but damn it’s so deflating. Even my OH struggled today, it was refreshing to see him so honest. He said he feels bad because he usually keeps it’s together and helps me feel better. But he got too excited with a couple of symptoms this month and has had a crash down to Earth. I asked him not to hide his feelings in the future. It makes me feel more normal for being so down, then at least we can help each other feel better. On top of all this he really misses his kids, so I know that’s getting to him. It’s heartbreaking to see him cry over missing his babies. 😞

@AZ1992X what things will you be doing to make the days go by quicker? I thought that too! But I cheated and started using my food processor to knead the dough, and it works so well! I just followed the recipe on the side of the Lidl bread flour packet haha it makes me feel all homey and useful hahah are you more of a cook, baker or eater? 😂 I’m definitely an eater, but I will give it a go at making most things!

Sending lots of baby dust to you this week ✨

@Amy259 thank you! 💕 the Prosecco was a nice distraction.

How was the carpet shopping? Anything take your fancy?

Thanks @User1400 I have definitely allowed myself to feel glum today! I think it was needed. Harry Potter is still going strong, just had a little painting break in between ☺️ I’m trying so hard to view it as a fresh start, but cramping is a little rough today 😅 so feeling sorry for myself is easier.

Can I just say how brave and strong you are, staying and supporting your friend without breaking down! I think I would have cracked 😔 that must have been so difficult, so you deserve a chocolate bar and a cup of tea tonight 💕

Would it make you feel better to try and get your OH to understand a little more? Or do you just think you are experiencing different things? BUT you know either way we are all here to listen and offer any advice we can.

Amy I’m the same! I can’t imagine these people who are pregnant and never know?! (I used to watch those programs of the ladies giving birth on the loo thinking it’s just constipation 😂) I would hope you would have some symptoms to give you a clue, surely?

Is being incompatible even a thing?? Geeeze another thing to worry about 🤦🏼‍♀️

✨💕✨

@User1400 yeah I thought 3-6 months and we’d be pregnant - had no reason to suspect otherwise. This morning on my dog walk I was listening to bfn and a couple on it were talking about how they could just be incompatible because she’s fine and he’s fine but their eggs don’t fertilise (even through ivf). And I was like oh Christ imagine we’re just not genetically compatible?! And had to talk myself off that ledge.

So before we got married both sides were the same as your mum, constantly talking about grandchildren, and we had a Covid wedding and a couple of times during talks about postponing I mentioned not really being keen to delay starting our family… so I think both sides probably have figured it out, and the grandkids comments have really slowed down, but thankfully no one has mentioned it. I’m okay with them suspecting, and my hope is that we magically fall pregnant before ivf and we can then talk about the struggle. If not, I’ll tell them if we get referred I think.

Nothing through about hycosy, wasn’t expecting to hear for a while though. He gave Jan as a timescale for the procedure! You can’t have too long to go, what date is your appt again? Xx

@Amy259 I agree.. I'd much rather have text announcements. So many people have gotten me in person to announce and said 'I didn't want to tell you over text' and I'm sat there thinking, I wish you told me over text!

Oh, wow! There is no way that could be me either 😅. You do feel robbed in a way. As if others just decide 'right, I'm ready to have kids' and poof the kids appear. I suppose the hardest part is because I thought that is how it would happen for me too.. getting pregnant isn't meant to be the hard part of becoming a parent😭.

Ah that's quite nice your parents don't know (presumably that means they aren't pressuring you?). I ended up telling my parents out of pressure.. purely because I could not take another conversation with my mother pestering for grandchildren and me trying to brush it off like I wasn't ready.

As you mentioned earlier about making peace with waiting until April for help.. that's how I feel too. I settle into the idea of potentially being referred for treatment etc, and then someone announces and it totally throws me. I feel like I go into panic mode worrying about why it hasn't happened for me yet.

Have you had anything in about your HyCosy appt yet? Xx

@AZ1992X that sounds like a great few days!

@User1400 yeah the myth debunking is great!
With my DH, I think he does get it but he’s never been good at handling stress, so when he’s in the thick of it he literally can’t think about anything other than the stressful thing (work at the moment). Which is hard sometimes because I just have to plod along keeping everything else ticking over. He doesn’t mean it though, but it is tough.

Ahh that’s so tough. It’s so hard to hear it in person, I’d happily just get text announcements so I could process it on my own. Well done for managing to be supportive and stay strong ♥️ But do make sure to let yourself feel it and get it all out too.

And yeah the fear of others getting there first is really tough too. Remember the friend I told you about who was amazing, sent that message about finding out she was pregnant with number 2? Well she went for an early scan today thinking she was 7weeks… she’s like 12 weeks. So she’s been pregnant for 10-11 weeks before she even knew. All I could think was that could literally never be me, because of this situation. I’m testing before one missed period never mind 10 weeks later!

Things like that make me sad, almost grieve the bits of normality we might not get. It’s why I’m putting off telling my parents, I’m clinging on to being able to surprise them one day.

And I feel ya on the hoping it’ll suddenly just happen thing too. But you’re right, we always have here to talk it out and get a bit of comfort ♥️♥️

@HopefulGlow I am so so sorry AF arrived, it doesn't get any easier does it😢. Definitely don't be hard on yourself and give yourself a couple of days to grieve. It can hurt so much when you have allowed yourself to indulge in the idea this month will be different, sending you a big big hug💓. A day on the couch with HP and the biscuits sounds lovely🥰.

@Amy259 haha, I am really enjoying the myth debunking so far 😅.. I have spent far too much £ on potions thinking they will work. It really does feel like they are in your brain! Its great we have access to these things, podcasts, mumsnet.. kind of crazy the NHS just leave you to your own coping mechanisms.

I think our OH don't realise how much emotional responbility we take on when TTC, it is hard for them too but I think they think we are both going through the same experience.. when they are not seeing the half of it.

--
I met a close friend for brunch today and she announced she was pregnant. I had that familiar rush of devastation. I felt like I went into fight or flight mode and I just wanted to flight. I wanted to leave lunch immediately to go home and sob. Obviously I didn't, I stayed, said all the supportive things I should have, and drove home completely numb.

Of my friend group, there are 3 of us who don't have any children, now soon to be 2 of us. Of the two of us I know the other girl is TTC, I fully expect her to announce before me, given how long we've been unsuccessfully trying. It feels like I am being left behind, everyone is moving onto a new chapter of their life and I'm stuck in limbo. It even hurts that all of my friends have children of similar ages, they are all having a shared experience and I'm sitting on the outside, desperate to get in. It's not that they leave me out in any way, it's just that their life has changed since having kids, and I can't fully relate to that yet.

It is even painful listening to all the stories of how they announced they were pregnant and their families elation at the news. I find it difficult to fully separate my emotions. I am so happy for them but I feel green with envy, along with a horrible pit in my stomach that I will never get to experience that feeling.

I hope all of this doesn't sound too dramatic but I am just trying to get my feelings off of my chest. I am so glad I have you ladies to confide in, I feel like no one else understands what I am going through. Even when I tell my partner he just raises his eyebrows with an 'oh wow!' and offers a hug, and moves on like it's nothing.

I live in hope that all of this has just been a big misunderstanding and we are just about to get pregnant.. but deep down in my heart of hearts.. I know it's going to be a long road ahead of us.

A bitter sweet start to the weekend...

Xx

@Amy259 I will try! ☺️

Glad you’re ok. That must be tough trying to keep positive for him whilst trying to keep everything going too. Like you said he probably doesn’t mean it - I think that sounds like a great idea taking some you time first - enjoy your day! ❤️

I’ve got a long weekend off work - had a me day yesterday going shopping, then think just having a chilled one today & then maybe go out somewhere tomorrow/Monday but haven’t decided where 😂
X

@AZ1992X you can do it - you’re the Queen at not testing! 💪🏻

I’m okay thank you. DH has been quite stressed this week with work and dtd, and he doesn’t mean it but it makes him quite selfish because he’s so overwhelmed? So even if I’m stressed out too, I have to keep everything going at home (my own job, the dogs, feeding everyone etc) and I’m feeling it today, a bit like I can’t really keep him afloat if I’m sinking too? So I’m out with the dogs now then taking myself carpet shopping 😂 a bit of refilling my own cup before I go back to topping up his - pardon the cliche! Any nice weekend plans? X

@Amy259 Around then yes ☺️, maybe Tuesday as my luteal is a little shorter. Hoping the next few days go quick… need to try and keep busy 😂😂

How are you doing? X.

@HopefulGlow I’m so sorry ♥️ Your OH sounds great, cuddles in bed is exactly what I need when af comes too. That and cake usually 😂 enjoy your day on the sofa and that prosecco!

@AZ1992X not long at all, when does that make af due for you? Middle of the week?

Hi everyone!

@HopefulGlow I’m so sorry that AF arrived for you, that sounds like a great idea - hope you treat yourself to some nice food ❤️❤️

Your work sound great for doing that - sounds like you had a busy day yesterday, I’d love to be able to make bread but not sure it would be any good so I’ll prob stick to Christmas planning instead. Ps absolutely love the paintings - you could defo make it a thing, I’m sure they would do well on Etsy.

@User1400 Thank you ❤️ It’s certainly does.

@Amy259 I’m 9DPO so not long left at all - not going to test unless it’s late.

Good morning everyone!

Woke up for a wee around 6am and right on time AF arrived. I don’t know why I let myself think this month would be any different.

Me and my OH just cuddled and cried in bed. I’m trying so hard not to be hard on myself, to stay positive and look at the things I should be grateful for.

But today I’m just going to spend it on the sofa, watching Harry Potter and eating my feelings!

@User1400 hahah that’s so funny!! I didn’t even look at it from that perspective 🤣🤣 fingers crossed they sell okay on Etsy, might give me something to keep busy.

@Amy259 a chilled weekend sounds so lovely! I would definitely get that new carpet! ✨💕✨

@HopefulGlow so good to have something to take your mind off everything, I need to find myself a hobby like that again.

I think we’re having a chill weekend, it’s been all go lately and my DH is gubbed, so lazy it is. I’m desperate to finish decorating one of our bedrooms though, so we can move into it, so I might treat myself to a carpet 😂 what about you?

@User1400 100%, me too. The fw stresses me and the rest of the tww is killer, but 1-4DPO are a dream.
Yes it was me, I really enjoy it! I’m on series 3 now which is very IVF heavy but still interesting, but I was like you for series 1 and 2, felt like they were in my brain. Which was lovely. I also learned loads from Professor Tim 😂

@HopefulGlow OMG - I was noseying the pictures before I read your post, thinking, that looks like an interesting drink, and then I realised the glasses were upside down🙈. They are very cute, you should definitely try Etsy! I love buying bits and pieces on there 🧚🏻.