Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

@HJen22 he’s honestly so funny, I’m so proud he made it through his Covid vaccines without fainting - progress 😂 at least he’ll provide me with comedy value when it comes to the giving birth part.. think he’ll need more medical attention than me!

@suzy124 it’s nice to have cycle buddy! Though I don’t ovulate until about day 16 so you’ll probably beat me to it haha. You’ll need to let me know how your call goes and what to ask!

It was just at a baby scan clinic (called ABC4D, they’ve got a few I think). The one near me offers fertility scans and I was pleasantly surprised to discover they’re done by gynaecologists (not sure who I thought it would be 😂) so it gave me a chance to ask questions too. It was £120 but so worth it. It doesn’t go to your GP or on your record though because it’s not regulated (I.e. they have to take your word for it that it was a gynaecologist), so if they find something wrong you’d just need to show your GP the scans/report and hope it helped a referral.

@HJen22 yeah I think that's right, but seeing as we haven't actually spoken to anybody about the SA results I'm not sure that's actually the problem? I am worried tbh, just think it's so unfair how it varies as you say.

Awww! I get ya. I cry at the drop of a hat honestly. Just shows how much it means to us. Glad your cramps are gone and well done for getting it over with. I understand how you would feel like a failure but you are anything but! You are so strong for going through all this shit and you are so nearly there 🥰 It's so so painful but will be worth it a hundred times over

@Amy259 thank you, I'm sorry AF arrived for you too esp after no SI this month. But I'm happy to have a buddy so close in this month's cycle. Wishing you all the best with your hycosy this week, and looks like your first fertility call is just a week after mine! I'm gonna be making a huge list of things to say lol. I totally understand the frustration you're feeling too. The unfairness of it all just kills me and that's something I don't think men especially get. It's pure and simple biology at the end of the day, so why isn't it working! You mentioned a scan, was that private too or did your GP send you?

Xx

@Amy259 thank you for your kind words ❤️ I know there's nothing I could have done and it's just bad luck, just wish it wasn't the case. It's hard when you know it might happen but it's not really real until it's said out loud that it's the next step. Oh I've heard of that one too, I'll need to give it a listen and I've got the Izzy Judd one downloaded too. You are so right, that is lovely.

Haha my BF was worrying about having to come in, so much so he went and sat outside even the ward. I said to the nurse does he have to sit there and she was like no, he can sit in your wee separate cubicle 😂 so he was with me before I went in and straight after haha bless him, don't think he enjoyed hearing me being a drama queen though xx

@HJen22 aww no, you’re so not a failure - there’s absolutely nothing you could’ve done to influence that, it’s unfortunately shitty luck. Plus look at everything you’re putting yourself through to get this baby, you’re already an amazing mother and you’re not even pregnant yet! I listen to the podcast “BFN” and really enjoy it, and in one episode they were chatting about how there’s nothing more motherly than doing everything in your power to safely conceive, carry then raise a baby. I’m not very wishy washy but there was something lovely about the notion that we start motherhood when we decide to do absolutely anything for our not-yet-even-conceived child - like, how lucky are our kids already to have parents going through this hell to just get them here?! ♥️

Sadly he’ll be at work - it’s in the middle of the day. He also is the queasiest human alive so he’d be unconscious on the floor if he was there 🙃😂😂xxx

@Amy259 aw that's good. I think my Dr had photos but I didn't see them or anything. I'm finding it a little hard to process to be honest, feeling a bit like a failure knowing it's because of me 😞 I'm trying to hold it together as we've got my BFs daughter staying with us, but it's hard and I'm a bit miserable. I've been listening to a podcast, started reading a book, going back to the gym tomorrow and I've got a call with a nutritionist my friends organised next Friday. So I'm just going to have to suck it up, do as much as I can to get healthy physically and mentally and in the meantime keep trying cos I know it does happen to some. But right now I'm not feeling overly positive so I'm hoping it comes.

I am sure it will all go well, is your DH able to go with you for results after? Xxx

@HJen22 yeah she gave me scan pictures and a print out of her findings - which basically just says everything was normal.

Yeah, DH and I are keen to continue trying naturally but if they found something wrong I think I’d be keen to press on. How are you feeling about knowing it’ll likely be ivf?

I’ll just need to put my brave pants on for Wednesday! 😂🙈 xxx

@Amy259 she sounds great! Yeah sounds like she was looking at them then, and that's great she was able to point out the one that released the egg. I didn't actually ask about that, maybe I'll ask at my follow up! You could perhaps call and ask? Did they give you any results paperwork?

Ugh I know the feeling sadly, it sucks! I did everything I could think of too! I am hoping there is still a chance of us managing naturally but I really know what you mean; the unknown is so hard! especially when you try everything to make it work!

It wasn't awful, I was more worried about the results than the actual procedure in the run up. I don't really suffer from bad period cramps and that's what I think it's like, it didn't take too long though thankfully and I managed the whole way through. My poor BF could hear me oohing and ahing but honestly I'm terrible with any sort of pain so I am sure you'll be totally fine! Xx

@HJen22 nah she didn’t say that, she was amazing so I feel like she would’ve mentioned it.. she did point out all the follicles, and showed me the “activity” on my right side, along with the black circle that was apparently the follicle that released the egg last month. So maybe it looked normal so she didn’t bother putting a number on it.

I’m just so fed up of not having a reason. I was moaning to Loops about this on another thread - my cycle is like clockwork, I confirm ovulation, I have “normal” length cycles, bloods are fine, DH’s SA is fine, we’re young, healthy, never smoked, never been over/underweight, gave up booze altogether in March, eat healthy… what more does this non-existent baby want from us?! 😂

How was the hycosy pain..? Was it awful..? 🙈

@Amy259 oh of course, even the call has come quicker than expected! Maybe whoever told you the wait time got muddled, I did think that was a long time! But yeah, as your DH says, it could be 3/4 months or longer so if you can go private it's a good idea, mentally I'd been preparing for months for mine and it wasn't a fun wait.

I had an internal scan and HyCosy, I wonder if they could do a scan first too? Or maybe as they said no abnormalities it all looked fine? Did she say specifically they weren't looking at follicles? Xxx

@HJen22 the letter about the phone consult was a shock because they’d told me to expect a 12 month wait.. so that made me query my decision to go privately. DH was very reassuring though, he was like the phone call is very end Sept, so if you then have 3-4 months for a scan that’s January at least.. which does feel so far away. So I’m just going to go for it, and tell the consultant and maybe it’ll skip them having to do it. Which would also free up a space for someone else I guess.

I hadn’t really considered low egg reserve much before.. on my list of worries haha. I’ll need to ask about it at the hycosy. No one mentioned it at my other scan, but they also didn’t count follicles to my knowledge.

Yeah good plan, free counselling is a great service too. I think I’d definitely do that if nothing happens soon… xxx

@Amy259 sorry to hear AF turned up for you 😔 I hope you are taking care of yourself and eating all the chocolate you need!

Thank you ❤️ it was a shock. I mean I knew it could be an outcome but until they point I'd been hoping it wouldn't be that. I think so, I had bloods done so I'll maybe call start of next week to ask about them and when I should expect a follow up, as I really do want one. Oh and ask about the free counselling they offer.

That's great you've got it booked in and don't feel bad about it! If I'd had the option locally to pay for it to have it done quicker I would have! I asked my clinic and they didn't offer it privately I just had to wait in the queue. Which turned out to be 3 months but I know you've been told way longer so it's for sure worth it I'd say! Xxx

Hi ladies, just catching up.

@suzy124 sorry to hear af came and that you’re feeling rubbishy 💔 I’m CD2 now too, and definitely joining you in the comfort eating.

@HJen22 I’m so sorry, that must’ve been such a shitty and shocking piece of news for you. I guess there’s a silver lining in getting help a bit quicker, but I’d guess that it’s still rotten to know you need the help too. Sending you lots of love and strength! What happens next, do you just wait for them to contact you about ivf?

I’ve booked a private hycosy for Wednesday, the clinic called me with a cancellation slot and needed a decision by the end of the day, so I booked in - but for some reason I feel a bit weird about it? Like I’m cheating on the nhs? Who knows what that’s about… my GP really encouraged it so that helped, and then after I’d booked it I got my referral letter in for my first NHS phone call 🙈 so that’s 29th Sept.

@fingerscrossed91 thank you so much 🥰 lovely to hear from you, how are you keeping? Good I hope xxx

@suzy124 yeah I think it's normal, I did a quick google haha shock and think it's fine. Cramps are gone now though so that's good.

I find it crazy how everywhere is different. Like if I were in England I'm not sure I'd get funding as my BF has a daughter. I really hope it's a helpful call and that they can offer some assistance. Is it ICIS they sometimes offer if there is a male factor? Sorry that felt awful writing that, wasn't sure how to word that.

Haha same, I don't want to fall in either 😂 hopefully it will be fun either way! I'm on the edge just now, the dog came and sat and cuddled with her head on my shoulder and I started crying and couldn't stop! Ridiculous 🙈 xxx

@HJen22 that's great, it makes such a difference to have nice doctors and nurses to put your mind at ease. I take it the spotting and cramps afterward is normal?

Yeah I expect I'll have to jump through more hoops but I really want some help ASAP, especially as I'll be 35 soon and I think too old for funded ivf in my area.

That sounds great, I'm actually planning to try that out too as my sister got into paddleboarding last year. Hope I don't fall in! Xx

@suzy124 thank you lovely! Yeah all of the staff were so nice, the Dr who did the procedure, the young nurse who held my hand and the nurse who did my bloods. We went for a coffee and cake afterwards at Dobbies haha. He is handling it really well, I think he is more just concerned about my wellbeing than thinking too far off into the future. I'm glad to hear your OH has been better, it's so hard NOT to get down when AF arrives and for days after, I really dont think they can fully understand as its not their bodies.

I had read loads of people saying it was fine, I think it was just me haha! The scan bit is totally fine as its just like a probe thing, and the speculum fine too after a second, the catheter was just so weird going in! I really wasn't convinced the Dr had mananged to insert the fluid. I've had some spotting since, and a bit crampy afterwards but other than that, ok.

I'm so sorry it came when you were away :( horrible when it comes and ruins something you really wanted to try and enjoy as much as possible and not think about TTC. Hopefully on your call they can organise some tests and things, and if they don't suggest it I am sure you can, but i am sure they will.

I know, I am either really good or really bad, never really anywhere in between! Yeah i used to have one before covid, then i cancelled it when they all closed again at the end of the last year. So have started that again and will go with my best friend. Really just need to reign in the eating of chocolate and carbs though!!! We have had a lovely time thanks, she's getting older so it's harder to find things to do but we are trying out paddleboarding this week! What all do you have on before heading home?

How are the rest of you lovely ladies? xxx

@HJen22 well if you get to that stage remember it's totally normal! And we're here to talk to if it helps 💕 I hope the nurse was nice and comforting, and that your OH continues to be a great support during this difficult time. How is he handling it all? My OH has been better in recent months when I get my period but still loses patience with me eventually!

Sounds like the procedure was a bit nasty, I have a really low pain threshold too so I understand. A month off might do you the world of good especially after something like that. Be extra kind to yourself this month 🥰

And thank you, I return home later this week. Was enjoying it lots until my period came, told myself if it comes I'll be fine but I really wasn't 😕 And it takes me pretty much a week to get over it and move on. Think I'm just not feeling hopeful about my first call either.

Oh tell me about it! I've eaten more this summer than during the winter, and certainly not going hungry at home! Do you have a gym membership? Hope you're having a lovely time with your stepdaughter xx

@suzy124 I'm a super emotional person, I managed to hold it together in front of the Dr but I started crying in the poor nurses off right after who did my bloods 😂 think my poor BF is worried I'm going to cry at any moment, which to be fair I probably will get to that stage.

Yeah we'll keep trying, although pretty sure this month is out as I was due to ovulate day of / day after HyCosy and we've not since. I was a bit sore after and been so tired I've been going to bed early, think the break this month is needed anyway!

Don't be silly, please don't feel like you can't say how you feel! We all struggle and know how hard it is. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, I hope you are ok and still managed to enjoy your time away ❤️ are you home now? 4 weeks will hopefully fly by and you'll have your call before you know it. That's a really good idea doing some info evenings, they will be helpful I'm sure! And good to have options.

I've def been comfort eating lately and the lbs are pilling on! If I'd known I was getting weighed at my appointment I'd have been better on the lead up haha! Exercise helps my mind too, I had gotten back into it but not been able to go with having days off with my BFs daughter up visiting too. Excuses excuses but will get back next week I hope! Xxx

@HJen22 oh I'm sure, it takes a while for news like that to sink in before you're ready to move forward. You sound like you're coping so well though 💕 I cry all the time in front of doctors so you did better than I would! I really hope the amh comes back ok and everything is go for ivf. And you never know it could happen before you even need it! Are you able to try this month with your ovulation date and hycosy? I think we might take this month off. I'm feeling really low despite being away but don't want to moan with the news you've just had! Just waiting for my period to end and first fertility call in about 4 weeks. I've signed up to a few information evenings about going privately too (all online tho). I really hope the doctors can put your mind at ease when you have the follow-up. Definitely start a list and keep adding as undoubtedly things will pop into your head at random moments! And sounds like a great plan to focus on health and fitness while you wait - I might join you on that one! Xx

Sorry wasn't finished... so I think I'll take some notes of things I'd like to ask. Then when my step daughter is back home, really focus on my health and fitness and getting into the best shape for what's to come.

How are you doing lovely? I hope you are having the best time away; a much needed rest from all things TCC and catching up with lots of friends and family ❤️ xxx

@suzy124 thank you sweets 🥰 yeah it was quite a shock, even though I knew it was a possibility it's still not really real until you hear it. I am hoping the AMH results come back ok and 6 follicles is enough for IVF. She said 3 or less and you can't have IVF (I'm assuming with own eggs). So the internal scan checks your lining, womb etc and follicles. I'm sure Dr said everything looks ok during that. The HyCosy bit, to be honest I was being a bit of a drama queen about it so she said very little during other than telling me to breath and hold the poor nurses hand. I wasn't even sure she'd done the fluid but as she asked if I wanted to stop; said there was 2mins left so I said carry on. The scan probe thing is put back in I think to see the fluid on the screen. It wasn't agony but for me (with a low pain threshold so I don't want to worry anyone else!) it was uncomfortable and crampy but I managed. The Dr then came out and told my partner and I together. I asked if it was my age and she said no I was still young (I'm 33) and think it's just the way it is for me.

Not too sure when the follow up is, I am going to call end of next week or the beginning of the following to ask about blood results and follow up and the counselling. I think I'll maybe get something in the post too re the results. But I def want to see the Dr again; I was trying hard not to cry and couldn't really think what to ask but there is lots I'd like to know.

@HJen22 sending you the biggest hugs rn! I'm also really shocked and can't imagine how tough the news is for you. But as loops said it's great you're going to get ivf and there's every chance it will work!! I know 4-6months seems like an age away but it could be less as couples will inevitably drop out. When is your follow-up? It's good they're offering that and counselling instead of just leaving you in the lurch. And too right, I hope your OH is spoiling you rotten! 💜

Did they say much about the results at the time? Xx

@Loops01 thank you lovely 🥰 I knew it was a possibility as my FSH levels were high from my initial bloods and on my letter from the clinic it said they couldn't rule it out. The internal ultrasound (which was the less uncomfortable procedure) shows them follicles and it's to do with the amount. I had 6 and they want 10 or more I think she said. I think that's between the two ovaries. Nope no history, my mum had no issues, my sister was diagnosed with PCOS her first and was given medication to ovulate and then fell pregnant second time round quickly with no treatment. I think I'm still a little in shock, I haven't been able to wallow as my OHs daughter is with us for holidays so it's been a distraction. Yeah we'll keep trying as I know it happens, and I didn't think to ask what the chances of conceiving in the meantime were but we'll keep causally trying, but I'll not be doing any tracking with OPKs or BBT or anything. How are you doing? Xxx

@HJen22 I'm so shocked and sorry to hear this news!! What test showed your low reserve? I mean it is good you're being referred as there is still some sort of hope there. Did you have any clue to it? Does your family have early menopause or anything? It's good that your tubes are all fine but what a shame. I'm sorry to hear the news but I guess it is that thing of don't give up and hopefully if everything else is in working order then you should have a good chance with the ivf! I hope you're doing OK? I hope the wait maybe isn't as long as they say. There might be some posts on mumsnet where others are or were in similar positions which might give you some more knowledge, support and encouragement!! Hug!!

Hi girls 👋🏻 hope you're all having a lovely weekend 💞 how is everyone?

@suzy124 thanks for asking and sorry in the delayed reply. Wasn't a great outcome sadly. My tubes aren't blocked but I have a low egg reserve. So we are being referred now for IVF 😢 the Dr said the waiting list is around 4-6 months. I had bloods taken that day too for AMH which I think gives them more info about egg reserve, the Dr asked if I'd like a follow up which I said yes to, as it's hard to know what to ask or say when you're first told and also said they offer counselling so I'll also look into that. Quite a lot to get my head around, feeling a bit numb about it. My OH is being so sweet and looking after me, that made me cry yesterday! I don't want him to feel like he's to walk on eggshells bless him. Anyways enough about me, how are you?

@Loops01 I'm sorry there's been more announcements, it just gets harder doesn't it 😞 I hope your appointment goes well next week, the Dr we spoke to was lovely and hopefully they can arrange some tests for you too. Xxx