Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

@Loops01 hey 👋🏻 how are you? I'm good thanks, AF arrived a couple days later than expected but I'm feeling ok as didn't try this month, didn't need that added thought after the appointment!

I've taken a look back, I had my first call 1st June, I called a few weeks after, think about 3, to ask and they said the letter was on its way and to call when I received it. Think the way they work it is to send them when the appointments open up for that month and there's a 2/3 month wait, from my start or June referral I had an an august appointment. So hopefully you'll hear in a week or two if they expect your appointment to be in October? Xxx

@Amy259 our chat with AZ has closed! It says thread is closed. I don't know if we've just been posting too much. Do we create another one or tag AZ in here????

@HJen22 how have you been now? I've still not had a letter through for hycosy, do you remember how long yours took? It's been over a week now. Prob just thinking too much about it!

@Loops01 oh it is hard when no one seems to understand 😔 I'm sorry you don't have much of a support! That can't be easy! You have us girls though ❤️ it's such a hard thing to go through and people just don't get it unless they've experienced it. It can be so lonely and I often feel like I'm going mad!

I mean I've read that on google so it's not exactly what I've been told by a Dr and also when I googled there it says heavy menstrual cycles which I def don't have, so who knows. So don't take what I'm saying as gospel!!

@HJen22 to be honest I haven't really found many folk to be supportive. They don't want to admit that it's difficult for different reasons. Like family are desperate for me to have a kid (I'm an only child). Dhs family have his sister who is due in a few months so they don't really ask (they are super positive people who never speak about anything negative as it just doesn't exist...!). My friends who aren't at the ttc stage are great as they are going through break ups etc so they get the misery loves company thing but don't really get the ttc difficulties. My other friends either have kids (from a lot of trying or barely any literally one of them had one of their ovaries removed and conceived within a few months) and they oddly enough just say 'it'll happen when it's meant to' etc. My friend that I'm talking about doesn't want to think of anything being difficult as she has a lot of mental health problems so when she is down it's not good. I do worry about her mentally coping with a child but her family are supportive. Work are all pregnant or have had no issues so they don't ask.

Interesting what you say about your AF! I had no idea. Mine are shorter and lighter than before pill but otherwise my ov is 16-18 days in also!

@Amy259 apart from sex he won't speak, research or do anything regarding ttc. Mainly cos he is like the rest of his family and likes to stay positive and when it's not positive he says nothing! He's a difficult nut to crack at times!! So if I don't give him anything to do then he will act like nothing is happening. I can't deal with that!!

Roll on tomorrow!! Your plans sound great!! Bet you can't wait!

@Amy259 I have quite short cycles and mostly have since coming off the pill, but I think that's a sign of what I now have been told I have and the fact my AF seems to have come lighter. Nevertheless we'll keep trying as as they say, it just takes one good egg!

I have my first counselling session 24th September and I just emailed about it last week so a month wait isn't too bad! I've got the nutritionist call tomorrow (might have a sneaky mcds tonight then haha) then acupuncture 13th September then call 24th so it's making me feel a little better things are planned.

Aw yay I'm glad you guys are back together 🥰 that must have been so hard! I hope your OH is feeling back to normal too! And you've your family wedding and jersey to look forward to ❤️

@Loops01 I can't believe your friend would so flippantly (and obviously not really be thinking about it) speak about adoption at this stage! You are right, so many different options and we all need to be positive! I know, lots of people really don't understand the struggle of TTC when sometimes some lucky people have a stress free time trying. Of course we'd all love to have had that nice easy journey to pregnancy but sadly, we don't. I'm sorry she doesn't sound very understanding of what the situation xxx

@HJen22 I’m so jealous of your early ovulation 😂 mine is day 16-18! The time between af and ov drags so much.

Counselling will be so great - it can only be good to be able to vocalise all your fears and worries to someone without worrying how it’ll affect them or if they’ll dismiss it. Is there a waiting list for it or will it start fairly soon?

@Loops01 that’s so funny that your quiz him - my DH would be like Amy wtf? 😂 I would bloody love to be ttc without researching, your friend must be so chilled. To me it’s mental to even think about adoption at this stage - there are literally so many things to choose to try before that. I wouldn’t even entertain thoughts like that!

We are free from tomorrow! But are back together in the same room now haha, which is so lovely! I’ve not gone 9 days without hugging him since 2016 - and I don’t plan on repeating it any time soon. It’s Sunday we go to Jersey, just for 2 nights but I can’t wait to chill by the sea with some seafood and a glass of rosé!

@HJen22 you will cope! You're doing great and I think the fact that you're open to counselling will be really good. You will have a chance every month (although it might be harder or slimmer than when you have ivf). It's not guarantee but if you're still healthy then you have a chance. A good chance. We have all thought and said those things to dh! I still quiz him about my cycle to see if he knows roughly what day I'm on or what's to come. It may be harsh but at least I know he is tracking and caring in a sense. Before the last maybe 3 cycles he had no idea because he just didn't think. Not in a nasty way and it's not that he didn't care but he just doesn't deal with anything that requires much thought or emotions.

I have one friend who is also ttc (by not really doing much in my opinion as in doesn't know much at all/research in any way) and when I do speak to her about not being or getting pregnant she still speaks to me adoption and it kills me. It's an option and I get that but in my eyes there are so many different things out there. I wish people were more supportive and understanding. This should be something spoken about and educated. Ivf shouldn't be seen as a 'oh she can't get pregnant this is her last chance'. It's not. It's a chance. Like the chance we have every other month. It's great that it gives healthy folk (like yourself and maybe me!) and those who have real difficulties a great chance. I wish people understood better and made us feel better about it.

@Amy259 when is dh free and when is it you're away again? Hopefully you can keep off ttc stuff and relax!

@Amy259 yeah it's been nice not to track for me too, although the aftermath of the appointment not so good! I know people still manage to get pregnant waiting for IVF and we will still try, and I know I usually ovulate between days 9-12 so will just try and DTD as normal. But I don't want the pressure I normally put on it.

I know, I was the same. Many of times I was like you don't understand; how can you, you're a man, you don't have to do these things etc. Poor guy! My OH has also been so supportive, in the past it's been my fault for not saying how I felt until I reached breaking point just expecting him to know. He really deserves a medal for putting up with me!

I got my letter through about counselling today. I'm going to see that as the next step and try and stop waiting for post and worrying, one step at a time I guess. I can't worry constantly for the next 4-6 months and then god knows how it will all be when the process actually starts. Bit worried I'm not going to cope emotionally but I'm trying to do all I can to relax and not stress. Xxx

@HJen22 yeah I think I might, just in case the hycosy changes things - but I doubt it will/can though?? I loved not tracking last month so I’d rather not but my body feels a bit different (is that mad? 😂) so I don’t want to just rely on the normal signs. I won’t be logging them for the values or anything, I think I’d just feel better to see a dark one around when I think it should be dark.

I’ve definitely been guilty of getting frustrated at DH in the early days about how I (as the woman/obsessed one) am the one who tracks, symptom spots, pees on sticks, sees the bfns etc etc. But he gets it now, and importantly he gets that he can’t possibly “get” it from my side. And likewise, it’s so much pressure for them and I was guilty of forgetting that at the start xxx

@Amy259 I know, leggings (which I'm always in) are too forgiving! The jeans don't lie, sadly 😂😂😂 I put on a pair the other day and they were so tight they were painful haha but the kick up the butt I need! I'm enjoying getting back into the gym and means I can see my friend more too!

Ouch it sounds so traumatic! I was a bit traumatised after mine and it was no where near as bad as yours! But at least it's over and done with! Are you tracking with OPKs this month did you say? I'm going to leave any tracking and just DTD when we fancy. I really haven't been in the mood after the news but will try and pull myself together after this months AF.

I know you're so right! The book actually talks about that; how the mans job is regarded as easy and simple, and it's so interesting to read from a man's point of view. I will now be aware to not make my OH feel like that. Supporting me emotionally is a HUGE job in this journey, I often feel very bad for him having to put up with me! Xx

@HJen22 I just always base it on the jeans - they never lie, even when I want them to 😂

I only spotted for a couple of days, but I got the occasional cramp/twinge for about a week. I felt very traumatised from it if I’m honest haha, every wee twinge takes me back to the pain! She put her in notes that “extra pressure was needed to force the dye in the right tube to spill over” - you don’t say 😂😂

That’s great that the book has given you loads more insight, hopefully it means OH can understand it all better too. I think DH would need that, he tries so hard to understand but how can they when everything is so focused and aimed at the woman. They don’t get given a chance to understand! Xxx

@Amy259 that's good he's at least had work to keep him busy! A family wedding and a trip to Jersey sounds lovely! Yeah that's a lot for you to do on your own! And you must have missed him lots! Honestly; sometimes you think about Covid and it's just like, this is crazy!

My jeans are a tad on the tight side right now haha so I need to pull myself together ASAP!

I was spotting for about a week after HyCosy but nothing since!

@Loops01 the book is called "Get a life, his and hers survival guide to IVF". So yeah it's specially IVF but i did some searching the other week and there are others for general TTC. I really enjoyed it though and read it in a few days. Now my OH is reading it and I think it will really give him an insight. Even I didn't quite know all that was involved, it's a lot!

Glad you had a lovely time in Edinburgh! Any recommendations? I hope you had some nice weather down there too! Xx

@Loops01 100% and adds more pressure too. Like if it was that easy I’d be holding a baby by now 😂 This is cycle 14 for me and I swear if someone who knew that said “I think you’ll be pregnant next month” I’d lose the plot!

If the book Jen is talking about is the one written by a couple, one part by him and one part by her, I think they were on that BFN podcast. If it’s the one I’m thinking of it’s all about IVF for couples though not general TTC x

@HJen22 what is that book called? I feel dh doesn't understand it all too at times. Like I know he will be a great dad and wants it but I feel like they don't get it in any way. I have had many a break down with him so now we have an agreement that I pee on the tests and he logs them all and it's more him to do and he realises now how annoying it is lol.

@Amy259 yup I say nothing and I get told all the usual and I think they think that telling me soon or a month helps when really it just makes me more certain it won't happen! I was off the pill but using condoms just until my cycles got back to normal (took 6m).

Edinburgh has been lovely but I really can't drink as much as I used to. In the sense of it takes me ages to finish a drink 😂

@HJen22 yeah he’s been working the whole time. Well we have a family wedding on Saturday and then fly to jersey for a couple of days on Sunday so we’re not taking any chances and he’s doing his full 10 days separated from me! So the celebrating will need to wait until Friday 😂 I’m okay thank you, a bit knackered from having to do everything with house, dogs, run after DH and work from home, but okay! Now on CD11/12 currently though so starting to get slightly anxious about needing to dtd very soon.

Yeah I’m the same, my hunger is wild on the run up to af and I just eat crap when I know it’s bfn again. I’m trying to be good at the moment but I know in two weeks time I’ll be eating all the chocolate! Life is about balance I suppose haha. My bmi is 22 apparently according to the nhs website I just checked 😂 I’ll put down the chocolate when my jeans don’t fit!!

I wondered if anything could be different after hycosy too. I had a weird large amount of clear but thick (tmi?!) cm around cd9 and I’d never normally get that, so I wondered if it was stuff coming out after the hycosy.. she did warn me that may happen, just didn’t expect it 6 days later. I might pee on the odd opk this cycle just in case but I doubt it would change anything?

@Amy259 I'm glad to hear OH is on the mend, and great he's testing positive! What are you going to do to celebrate his release haha! Has he been able to still work whilst isolating? Oh I know, I've done a few of the lateral tests and it's strange looking at anything other than a pregnancy test isn't it!

I'm doing ok thank you! Trying to get back into healthy eating, I managed a full day yesterday for the first time in forever haha! My BMI is fine but you know when you just feel yuck? I've def put on a bit the last few weeks emotionally comforting myself! So gyming and healthy eating and I'm hoping helps me mentally as well as physically!

How are you doing? ❤️

As everything in TTC it's just a waiting game. Think AF is due any day, didn't track this month though. And not sure if it will be different after the hycosy!

@HJen22 hello lovely! DH is fully recovered now, occasional cough but otherwise well and testing negative now - it was funny to be holding Covid tests against the light to squint for a line rather than hcg strips! Day 9 of isolation now so almost done. How are you doing?

@Loops01 people are telling you the months they think you’ll be pregnant?? Do they know how long you’ve been off the pill? I think I would find that super insensitive and not handle it very well, so 10/10 for seeing the positive in it. It’s mad they don’t ask about diet, but maybe if your bmi had been too high or too low they would have. Hope you’re having a wonderful time in Edinburgh!

@Loops01 I have up and down days, I'm still feeling pretty numb to it all and can't quite get my head around it. But my sister bought me a really good book that's from both a man and woman's perspective, I read it so quickly and have passed it on to my OH. I really want him to read it and understand all there is, and the feelings and perhaps realise why I'm finding it so hard to process. He is very much there for me but I know it's not effecting him as much as it is me.

That's good everyone is being so positive though, and glad to hear you are feeling more relaxed. It's so easy for it to become the only thing you think of. We haven't really this month what with the appointment and the way I've been feeling but we will next month, no harm still trying although I'm not sure what the chances are of conceiving naturally, I'm guessing pretty low.

Sounds like you are having a lovely weekend away! Aw I'm sure they miss you lots too 🐶 🐱 And don't feel bad about having a couple drinks, we have lives to leaf outside of TTC. On my call the Dr asked and I just said a few if any at the weekend and she was fine with it. I'm going to really try and clean up my diet although I said this yesterday in prep for my nutritionist appointment and I was so bad haha! So trying again today! I also booked acupuncture for 2 weeks time so looking forward to that! How was your gin tour? Xx

@HJen22 I'm glad your coping and trying to be positive. You'll have to keep us posted on how the whole ivf process goes. Are you still trying every month or just not testing etc but still dtd? Tbh I'm not feeling that positive but I guess the ball is rolling. Looking forward to my scan. Painful or not I'd rather know better. It's getting a bit difficult though as family are saying it'll be Sept or Oct they predict that we will be pregnant. Dh thinks it'll be before the end of the year. It's nice that they are positive and I have relaxed a lot more recently (relaxed or given up... Not sure which one really) but its just gonna be a let down in a sense for them and me if none if it happens.

In Edinburgh just now enjoying some time away from home. Dog and cat being looked after (although I do miss them already!). Been having a few drinks but nothing to excess. The fertility Dr asked if I drink (I've only just started after not having for months ttc) and I was like hmm do I lie and say no and I just went YES. and then felt the need to clarify that it was only like a gin or two a week if that sometimes! She said we shouldn't be drinking but they don't monitor it. Kinda thought a gin or two is a lot better than eating a load of shitty fatty foods all the time but they don't ask about diet?! I did say I've put on a few pounds (half a stone!) but apparently my bmi is now 23 so still fine. Phew!!

@suzy124 how are you doing my love?!

How is everyone? I hope you all had a lovely weekend ❤️

@Amy259 how are you and your poor hubby coping?

@suzy124 I hope you enjoyed the rest of your trip away and got some much needed R&R!

Xxx

@Loops01 ahh okay, so you’ve been off pill for over a year and a half now? You’d think they’ll just count from then, no? Get you to the 2yr mark quicker? I’d certainly go from there.

@HJen22 yeah my PCR was negative and my lateral flows are negative each morning, so I’m safe for now! Staying well away from him haha, such a rubbish week - almost dreading it being our anniversary tomorrow.

Hope you all have lovely weekend plans! Xx

@Loops01 yeah it is! All of the nurses that dealt with me along with the Dr were absolutely lovely so you're in safe hands ❤️ I cried when I went into see one for bloods and she must have thought what on earth haha!

Aw that will be so nice! How fun! Love things like that! Yeah I stopped drinking right at the start of TTC but then thought I need to still have a life whilst trying if it takes ages! So I know no harm done, we need to enjoy ourselves and gin helps! And wine and Prosecco and cider 😉

I'm feeling ok, I'm trying to be positive and think well at least we're on the way to the next step. It's still a very surreal feeling, like you know it could be the case but you just don't expect it to happen to you; you know? Yeah await a letter I think just with what we went over at the appointment, one for my counselling session which is booked for 24th September and one for a date with my follow up appointment. So waiting on post really. But I'm glad I'm on a list for a follow up or I'd not see anyone again for months. And it really was hard to string any words together when the Dr first said it was IVF. How are you feeling after your call? Xxx

@HJen22 such a small place isn't it! I am the same! I don't drink coffee or anything with caffeine really (don't like it) so my nightshift I run off adrenaline only! It's my sweet tooth or love of bread that's the issue! I need to go to gym to lose the love handles and belly but just don't find it easy esp during fw or not long after. Always think I'm going to exercise the swimmers out of me! 😂

We are actually going to go shopping and then just go and have a gin tour (I have started having my gins every now and again now) and then some food! Nothing too special but it'll just be nice to get away together and esp we don't have to run after the dog and cat or work!

You feeling OK about everything? Will you just get a letter through in months to come?

Happy Friday ladies 🥰

I'm so sorry you still aren't feeling great @suzy124 and don't be silly, you can say however you feel in here, that's what we are here for. We have all been in the same position, and very often are!! So you're not alone ❤️

@Loops01 aw fab glad your call went well! That wasn't the Dr I had for my first call but actually that was who did my internal scan and HyCosy last week, I really liked her, shame she had a view of down there and not my face haha! I'm really glad to hear all sounds good and all well with your results so far. And that's good to know about why they don't do day21. Yeah when I called I was told only Thursday so think that's why it takes a wee while, and same about after AF. I just scheduled mine for when I was pretty sure I'd not have it, although it's hard to know like 2 months in advance! We had our call June and I think I got the letter in July to book for August. In all honesty it came round pretty quick, surprisingly.

@Amy259 im sorry to hear your poor OH has tested positive, have you done your test too? Hope you aren't! Isolating must be very difficult! I hope the lovely pooches and kitty are keeping you company 🐶 🐶 🐱

Haha sadly I know the way to lose weight is eat less move more blah blah blah but I'll let you know of any words of wisdom that aren't common sense from this nutritionist app I have next week 😂 I've completely cut caffeine, even decaf as a start, as I know she'll tell me that, and it's the one thing that seems easiest to do haha. I barely drink now but carbs and chocolate are the issue 😂

A night away in Edinburgh will be lovely @Loops01 what are you getting up to whilst there?

Xxx

😂 You do make me laugh. Exactly! As if I'm not. But I guess a lot of people get really down and take breaks. Completely understand why! And funny enough my opk from 1am (when I finished work) was 0.19 but I knew I was approaching fw due to ewcm and the tests before slowly getting darker. Did one at noon after appt and it's 1.04 which is reading as high. So peak will be tonight or tomorrow. I'll try to test in work if not then home. Typical. I'm thinking peak will be tomo which is cd17 meaning a 28 day month. Nice and normal again for me so I'm happy with that.

1 Yr would be Sept technically. Been off pill 9m before that but it wasn't until then cycles became more regular