Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

@HJen22 well the clinic is private so I guess makes sense the nhs doctors aren't there. Still wish it was all one though, simplicity is needed at times like this!

I can't believe his mum said you're too old. Aren't you younger than me?? And it's such a load of rubbish and so insulting. Maybe it's best not to tell some people. I'm not even sure I'm going to tell my parents! xx

@HopefulGlow Hey! I used to use OPKs and never really bothered with not drinking water, I was the same, always having out of a bottle and it's too hard not to when you get a high reading and have to do them like 4 times a day! The Dr may or may not ask you about them, personally my Dr didn't recommend them and was just the "do it every 2 days all month" theory! But I liked to know when I was supposedly ovulating and confirmed it with BBT some months!

Crafty things is a good idea! I haven't done anything like that in a while, and was just speaking to my friend about doing an xmas wreath this year - we say we will do it every year though haha! What do you have planned?

SMEP is all about the days to do it on over the FW, and using OPKs!

Puppy is 8 months old now! If i go back to the office full time I'm going to really miss her! I love our morning snuggles and lunchtime walks!

@suzy124 that is a strange way of them doing it isn't it! Maybe its to keep the fertility clinic more free for the actual baby making part!

Haha women taking charge is the way forward! I think it will just be nice to talk to someone who's used to dealing with us going through this!

I think he just hasn't really had a chance to see them both together and not busy - lately when we've seen them his Dad was helping with our flooring, his mum took her grandson round etc. I can also understand why he isn't in a rush - I haven't actually told anyone the news face to face. I have spoken about it now but the initial telling was all over message. I don't really want to be there when he tells them - his Mum made a comment about me being too old a while back and I really hope she approaches me and the subject sympathetically, or I will not deal with that! And also, awful position for my OH haha!

Oh believe me, I very much have days where i am like "HOW is this happening to me", "Why us", "This can't be real". For the first few weeks finding out I also felt really numb, it's just not something you ever imagine happening to you. I have had a few better days after weeks of being down, but I am sure I will be back in the pits of despair, it's such a rollercoaster of emotions. So please know that its ok to feel like that, to be angry, sad, annoyed. I am like the most maternal of all my friends and always have been, and am going through this. Hurts :(

@HopefulGlow dont be silly, jump in whenever! Yeah you are so right, we need to look after ourselves and getting help is important. Thank you, i know, those 2 pinks lines will all be worth it in the end! xxx

@suzy124 glad there won’t be a wait once the funding is approved. I really hope it’s speedy for you.

I’m glad you did that experiment! Saves me worrying now. I barely get any peaks so that’s not great! But ah well, going in the right direction by starting the help process.

@HJen22 sorry to jump on your comment to Suzy, but I have thought about this so much, and also had many arguments/discussions with the OH about it. I think the first step, and even every step after that, for getting help is a huge deal. Getting yourself in the right mind space and ready to go down that route is so important but also so much harder than I imagined. But it’s not because I don’t want it…I really hope you two get your BFP’s very soon, with or without help. Seeing those 2 pink lines and having your first scan will still always be an incredible feeling. No matter how we get there ✨💕✨

@HJen22 yeah first appointment but with a gynae at the hospital. Fertility clinic is only when they send you for treatment. It's all a bit of a headfck tbh.

You've got to have some enjoyment in your life! I think you're doing so well. Oh I agree I think doing it yourself is best, initially was going to do our first appointment with both of us but glad I did it myself as he never pushes back on anything doctors say. Woman taking charge here 😂 I really hope it's helpful for you.

Yeah I've kind of stopped telling him how rubbish I feel, but I think therapy has helped a lot and I'm able to self-soothe a bit better now. It makes me kind of sad but not talking to him about it all the time has made things easier in the relationship. I'm really happy to hear your boss was so supportive and I'm sure it's a huge weight off your shoulders. Is there a reason he hasn't told his parents?

Yeah we may well be! It's a scary thought but have to remember it might not come to that. Feeling a bit numb with it all. Like I always believed I'd never get pregnant but deep down I don't think I ever thought it would actually come to this? Xx

@HopefulGlow as soon as the funding is approved there's no wait. If there was I'd be screwed! It's just a matter of getting these tests out of the way first which hopefully won't take long.

Re the opks I did experiment one month to see how drinking would affect it and it didn't at all. I also drink water all day long so I wouldn't worry. I just tried to decrease slightly in the hours before a test which I think is easier to do in the morning xx

@suzy124 ah cos it's X-ray rather than scan. Other than that I think it's much the same. Yeah that's a good idea. This was your first with the fertility clinic wasn't it?

Yeah and I've been having some dairy free chocolate but I am sticking to gluten and diary free as much as I can! I mean when we were away I had chips in the pub haha and we had Indian but I chose a dairy free curry and had no naan so I avoided the really obvious bad things 😂

Send off the samples tomorrow when they are all dry, I've four paper things that have to wait 24 hrs. This is the expensive test so I hope it's got lots of detailed results. Counselling is Friday yeah. I'm a little apprehensive about it. I'm just doing it myself but OH could have come on the call too if he wanted.

Men 🙄 I'm glad to hear you are doing better with communication. It's so hard to explain to them just how rubbish we feel isn't it. I hope that therapy is helping too. We are doing ok, I try not to talk about it in one way or another every day, he supported me telling my boss but hasn't told his parents yet.

We might be IVF buddies then. Sad that it's come to this for both of us but at least we will have each other to chat too. And we never know, it might happen before then. I've really taken a step back from tracking or obsessing about DTD and I think it's helped a little. I'd absolutely love for it to happen naturally but I just don't think it will, and mentally I need to get into a better headspace for IVF.

Xxx

@HJen22@User1400

Sorry for the delay, it’s been a busy one and my brain has felt like mush 😅

So I’m back on the OPK’s, just in case the doctors need more recent results. I have a question… they say not to drink for 2 hours before the test….does anyone actually do that??

I’m always drinking from my water bottle haha so it seems almost impossible to not do it for 2 hours haha

I’m due to have the big O in 2/3 days but I honestly don’t know if that’s even happening 😂 I blame the cheap LH tests I’ve been doing.

I’m going to be doing some crafty things over the next few weeks in hopes it distracts and calms me ☺️ Fingers crossed!

That’s great news about your puppy! It must feel so good having all that training and hard work paying off. How old is she now?

Also telling your boss is a great idea too, definitely a weight of your mind. I considered telling mine, but sadly they’re a gossip and I couldn’t trust others finding out. That’s so bad to say isn’t it 🤦🏼‍♀️

SMEP oooo, what method is that?

Auuuugh TWW is the worst! I don’t think anyone knows how to make that go quickly or actually not think about it.

@suzy124 it’s ok we understand space is good for the soul sometimes. Some time away can do you wonders, I hope it’s helping. I really hope you can referred for IVF soon, do you know what the wait time is on that?

Hope everyone is having a good week? ✨💕✨

@HJen22 I think it is different as hycosy doesn't expose you to radiation? He said they don't do hycosy don't know why. Think I will ring tomorrow to check for next week, let my name get in the system today.

That's great you're able to have a bit more variety, and don't feel guilty about the bread it's gf after all! I really can't imagine how hard the diet is, I would have folded after a day lol. You then send the urine samples off? Is your counselling this week?

We're doing a little better in terms of communication but I'm just so amazed at how non-fussed he is about everything. I phoned him to tell about the call and we'd likely be having ivf by January latest and it's like I was talking about the weather lol. Ah well, at least one of us is calm. Still not a great support though so I'm trying to be a better support to myself with the help of therapy. How are you two doing? Hope he's still being a good help! Xx

@suzy124 ah I see! I did think it was very similar, different hospitals must call it different things (consistency across the board doesn't seem to exist does it!). I had to wait for a letter from the clinic to then call as there was a waiting list. If you don't have to wait for a letter there would be no harm in calling to ask? They may have had a cancellation sooner than the Dr thinks? I had mine done cycle day 11 but I think any time is fine as long as AF isn't here.

It's going ok, I asked if I could eat other stuff than fish as salmon I can handle but not mackerel, sardines etc! They said yeah anything organic so I've managed to buy mince and steak and things for some variety! I've probably been having more gluten free bread than I'm meant to be - think it's like a just in case / desperate but I'm a bit like, eff it I'm having it haha! Did a big shop on Sunday so I'm feeling way more prepared this week. I've been doing the urine samples for the hormone tests she wants me to do; 4 over 2 days. Keep thinking there is something else I need to do but can't think what!

How are things with you and your OH?

Xxx

@HJen22 yeah it's v similar only this uses iodine and x-ray or something. Don't know why it's not a hycosy. Anyway yeah feeling extra stress about getting that booked in good time. Did you have to wait until you started your next period to ring? He said there's no point ringing this month even though I'm cd7.

I'm glad to read you're having a pretty good week and things aren't getting you too down atm. How is the diet going? Xx

@suzy124 hey lovely 🥰 I'm sorry you're having a rough time 😞 don't be silly, no need to apologise; sometimes we all need time out!

Did you have an appointment earlier this week? How did it go? That's good they are arranging those tests though! Is that the same as HyCosy just a different name? I hope you get it booked in without stress; it's just something you don't need isn't it! sending you lots of hugs xxx

Hi ladies, once again sorry for my silence. Still struggling and avoiding. I really hope everyone is doing well.

I'm having to do amh bloods and an hsg, but much like the hycosy they only do hsg once a week and have to wait till next period to book. Then once that's done can apply for nhs funding for IVF. Bit stressed though because needing to be starting treatment before I turn 35 in Feb. So it can be done but if hospital mess me around next month I will arrange private hycosy to speed things along xx

@User1400 oh I know, they really don't stay little puppies for long! I was clearing out my phone yesterday and was looking at all the videos and photos of when we first got her, I'm like HOW was she ever that small 😭 🐶 she really has helped to keep me going in a super hard time!

Ugh the dreaded TWW. Did you do any tracking this month? I hope you're managing to stay distracted! I read about SMEP too and had planned to do it one month, I think that's the month we DTD 5 days in a row 😴

It's a horrible feeling isn't it. I feel like we know our bodies. I've always had a fear about not being able to get pregnant, I have no idea why! It's so hard when you know you've tried and tried and it's not happening.

My week has been ok; work is still a bit slow but I know it will be hectic soon; never a happy medium is there. Haven't been bothered with the gym (my gym buddy is on holiday) but plenty dog walks so I'm getting fresh air at least!

Been doing my urine samples for the hormone test my nutritionist set up, 2 samples yesterday, did one on waking today and another to do in 2 hours! Think I'll get all the results at my next call with her start of October.

Xxx

@hjen22 Puppies certainly have a special way of keeping you on your toes haha! It’s great when they start to turn into the well behaved dog you dreamed of having but you soon find yourself looking back missing that wee puppy nipping your heels 😆. They are such a good distraction and great for getting you out for some fresh air and lifting your mood!

My week is going okay, just entering the TWW, trying not to think about it too much. I seen some things online about the ‘SMEP’ method for conceiving and thought about researching it tonight but seriously, I just don’t feel like we will conceive naturally! Even though I don’t actually know if there is anything ‘wrong’ with me yet, I can’t help but feel there is no way it’s something as simple as our timing that has been off for 2 years 🤣. I just kind of feel like we’re waiting for intervention now to be honest.

How is your week going 😄? Xx

@User1400 ah I see, ugh I'm sorry you had to push it back! Really hope your cycles behave and you can get to the October appointment, I am sure you will :)

Yeah I totally agree, I prefer just to be oblivious haha and it's just far too easy to compare isn't it! It doesn't sound pathetic at all, it really can ruin your day and mood. I am in reasonably good mood this week, not really sure why. As strange as it sounds I have turned a massive puppy parenting corner, our pup has become so much better behaved, I have been able to take her walks with out the nose harness thing (to stop her pulling) and I just think she's showing me so much more respect (when she was little she was so bad at chewing my hands and feet and would walk past and bite at my bum sometimes haha) and I think that's cheered me up. That and telling my boss was a weight off too! I decided against telling my colleague as it's likely she will be off on maternity/finishing up when we begin treatment. And I would just rather keep it to the minumum.

How is your week going? And how are the rest of you ladies? xxx

@HJen22 I have pushed the appointment back to the end of October, and if I am bleeding on that appointment, I’ll have to back on the wait list. I wish I had just kept my original appointment now and hoped for the best. Praying my cycle lines up and I don’t end up missing a month for no reason.

@HopefulGlow @hjen22 out of sight out of mind works wonders for me in terms of social media! It’s really not worth having my day ruined over the sake of scrolling through an app.. that sounds super pathetic that it would ruin my day but sometimes it gets in your head, especially when you’re feeling down.

How is everyone doing today xx

@Amy259 @suzy124 @Loops01

@User1400 yeah its nice to try and have some sort of control over something! And knowing my boss is totally fine with it (given that its terrible timing with my colleague going off) makes me feel a lot better about it!

I know, its not very easy to work around! So did they say to keep your appointment just now and call nearer the time if AF does come same time? And no, not what you need when it's already an anxious time waiting for the appointment!

@HopefulGlow agree with @User1400 about social media too actually! I deleted insta and FB apps for ages and felt a lot better! I have recently been on again but actually just deleted again this morning after reading @User1400 saying she is at her best when off of them!

A spa day is a great idea!! That will be lovely, you should def do that with your friend!

Oh the old "relax" and "don't stress" comments are annoying aren't they! Like, of course we are trying to do that! And you are so right, others have gotten pregnant in much worse situations! I get the whole trying to keep a happy mind and stuff but it comes down to a lot more than that sometimes!

xxx

@HJen22 I have a phone appointment Next Tuesday morning, so that’s not too bad. Apparently they will want to talk to me before going ahead with any tests. I better ask the OH to ring his doctors too.

I know what you mean, it’s so hard not to get snappy and take it personally. We’ve had a massively stressful year (like lots of people have) and he really thinks that’s the main reason why. He’s just so chilled about it! But I always say people have gotten pregnant in much worse situations! a little stress shouldn’t stop us!

Oooo they are some great ideas! My friend asked me to go on a spa day with her recently, they have an offer on and a pamper day sounds like it’s needed! 🥰 I do need to go on more walks though, I’ve been super lazy recently!

@User1400 I found myself putting my phone down and leaving it a lot more and that’s helped me too. I follow a bunch of baby things on socials and they are great, but not when you’re feeling low.

I completely understand, sometimes switching off and getting lost in a book or movie is exactly what you need.

✨💕✨

@HJen22 Totally understand how you feel trying to organise your brain 😂. That’s great you’re feeling supported and can take some precautions to give you breathing space at work. I would try not to worry too much about your emotions potentially impacting your work, you’re only human after all 💕.

I know, only having the appointments on one day isn’t exactly ideal. It would be less worrying if you could pick an appointment that definitely lined up with your cycle but you just kind of have to take what is available and hope for the best. I thought I was doing the right thing giving them a call to reschedule so the appointment doesn’t end up wasted, just to be told you go might go back on the wait list! Anyway I’m sure I will get there, it’s just giving me more anxiety that I could of done without 😅.

@HopefulGlow @hjen22’s distractions are pretty much the same as mine lol. Although I find avoiding triggers works better for me than distractions. I find scrolling through Facebook so hard seeing all the mummy’s posts, so much so that I’ve actually muted some of my friends! Sounds awful really.. but I just think I am my best self when I stay off the apps 🙄.

Xx

@User1400 ah that's ok! I had spoken about it but just waiting for the first one. The month wait has actually went past quite quickly!

Yeah she was so lovely, I am really glad I have told her now, just so it's one less thing to worry and stress about! I plan to carry over some holidays I still have this year so that will make things easier in that I can take days off here and there and not have to worry about going back after appointments and things! Still far off but makes me feel better getting it a little organised in my head. I am going to really try for it not to effect work but of course it will in some way.

Oh I really hope they don't have to put you back on the waiting list! And no I don't think that was you being over sensitive. It's so hard when there is so much waiting, to then be told it might be more. I really hope it aligns, I know they are busy but having a procedure that can only be done one day a week is hard to fit in when you can't fully predict a cycle!

@HopefulGlow well done making the call to the GP, have you got an appointment lined up soon? They will likely get you in for bloods. I also had to do a chlamydia swab and my OH got referred to do a SA which was at the fertility clinic. I know its super daunting and its something none of us want to do :(

Totally understand about OHs. Sadly i think all of us feel like that at some point, they understand to a point, but yeah I felt like I spent every day of every cycle thinking ok this is FW we need to DTD as much as possible, then id spent 2 weeks symptom spotting and being miserable and my OH would just be like normal. We had lots of blow outs where I was just like "you don't understand!".

My OH also has a daughter and was very laid back and "it will happen when it happens" at the start too. I was very "it's obviously not you" as well, and just couldn't help myself from being snappy about it.

Top tips would be walking, podcasts, reading, getting into a good series on Netflix. Sometimes however, none of these work for me haha but worth a try!

Also maybe a massage or something? Treat yourself in this hard time!! Cos we need to remember to look after ourselves

@User1400 no that doesn’t sound sensitive at all. Even if that’s the way their system/wait list works. Take 2 minutes to empathize and explain that, so you don’t feel fobbed off!

Yeah I’m glad I took the first step. Fingers crossed it helps my mood with it all. Back on the OPK’s today 🤞🏼 Just in case the Dr need some up to date records.

It’s a relief knowing that there are people in the same boat. It’s so hard to remind myself that he’s struggling too BUT I know it’s not in the same way, because he’s not worried. He’s got 2 little ones to prove he works fine 😅 but he says “things can change, and just because it’s not happened yet, doesn’t mean it won’t….” It’s hard not to roll my eyes and stop taking things so personally!

How do you stop feeling like a failure? Because those things surely aren’t good for your body either! Catch 22 😩

So what is everyone’s top tips for distractions?

✨💕✨

@HJen22 Sorry, I thought this was your second counselling appointment. None the less, it will be such a good opportunity to let it all out! Looking forward to hearing how it goes.

That’s great you have told your boss, I would have made the same decision 😊. So glad she was supportive too, that will be one less thing to worry about and put your mind at ease.

Yeah I think I will just take the month off of tracking for October, I am just praying it doesn’t roll onto effecting November’s cycle. When I called to reschedule, she said they might have to put me back on the waiting list! I understand it must be difficult scheduling appointments, but surely there must be a better system than that.. just felt like it wasn’t very sensitive, or maybe that’s just me being hyper sensitive as I usually am with anything TTC related lol.

@hopefulglow Well done for making the first phone call, it’s scary but can be a relief at the same time knowing there is help out there 🤗.

Totally feel you about your OH! Mines has said all the same things about ‘it will happen’ (I think a few others on the thread said their OH has said the same).

My partner does intermittently remind me that it’s hard for him too, but I truly don’t think he understands how much harder it is for me. I know it’s not a competition on who is more miserable, but other than me telling him when we need to have sex, it’s like he’s oblivious to it all. For example, I spend the TWW in hope, symptom spotting and dreading AF, and he doesn’t even know when AF is due unless I tell him.

Sorry, that really sounds so bitter but sometimes I just feel like we are reading two different books, never mind being on the same page! This usually leads to a blow out and then I feel so much closer to him, and gradually as months go on we fall back into the same rut of me feeling like we’re miles apart when it comes to TTC.

Anyway, that wasn’t very helpful advice but hopefully it’s reassuring to know you’re absolutely not alone xx

@User1400 oh my goodness let’s hope no one ever sees our google search history 😂

I really hope your cycle lines up for you, I’m crossing all my fingers and sending all my positivity to you ✨ how have you been feeling?

I’m attempting to stay positive too. Made my first call to the doctors today for a chat, so that’s progress. Struggling with the OH atm as we are both feeling different things about the process.

He thinks nothing is wrong and it will happen when it’s meant to (which I know it true) but he’s also got 2 children from a previous relationship. So we are just experiencing slightly different things, I keep trying to wind myself back in and remember he’s feeling this all too.

Hope everyone else is fighting the Monday blues ✨💕✨

Morning girls 💕 a lovely sunny day here. How are you all? I hope everyone had a nice weekend!

@User1400 I've not started counselling yet, first session is Friday! I'm a little nervous about it but I'm sure the therapist will be lovely. I just bit the bullet and told my boss (purely as my colleague will he finishing up for maternity leave right when we're due to start!) and she was so lovely, it's a massive weight off my mind!

No such thing as TMI! We always have tried for every second day in FW, there have been months we did it 4/5 days in a row. My acupuncturist I'm sure said every 3 days is enough (however not 100% sure I understood correctly with the mask and accent) and I know the NHS/Dr says every second day. They are very much oh do it all month though which I find easier said than done!!

The more pressure I put on it the harder it was, physically and mentally. It's wild to thing people get pregnant doing it once at a time they don't know is bang on fertile time isn't it!

Oh no I'm sorry about your HyCosy and the dates! Annoying isn't it, we were the same! I just didn't bother tracking so as to not get upset knowing I was ovulating and couldn't try. As disappointing as it is, try and use it as a little break and recharge of the batteries.

Xxx

@HopefulGlow I didn’t know either, I found out from Google too! Oh if anyone seen my search history 😅. I never felt like I knew what I was looking for when sweeping!

Yeah, I am now stressing again as depending on when AF comes on this month could actually mean I need to rescheduled again next month, which will push it back even further. Hopefully my cycle aligns in my favour 😭.

How is everyone this Monday? Xx