Month 12, 6 DPO, fed up and loosing hope

@Loops01 I have been tempted to ask my sister to keep some things for me, but I’m worried she will get too excited and I don’t want the pressure of more people knowing. Silly isn’t it!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry I’m not clued up. how did you know you had a massive follicle?

Have you researched what can help? Anything on sex positions and stuff? Also does it hurt? Or have you not noticed it?

I can’t believe your DH is away now for so long 😩 that’s so frustrating! Damn work, getting in the way.

I ended up having some Prosecco tonight! It’s been a while and it was nice to just sit next to the fire and relax.

Well done for keeping only the junk too!! I’m have you found it okay avoiding certain foods and drink? I found that I dropped off the weight after I had my coil removed…I’ve definitely put it all on this year though 😂

Sorry for the quiet, I’ve had a chill day today!

How’s everyone’s weekend going?

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@suzy124 yeah that's exactly it. And she won't say oh don't worry sort of thing! I think friends and family struggle to know what to say, and I totally get that because I'd be the same! I don't know what I'd say to me either!

I was like that to start with, I was like I'm not sad or happy just numb. Then the tears came a few days later. I had to hold it together as we had my stepdaughter up! Know how you feel, I was like that last month and this month we've done it a few times but I didn't stress about the timing or anything really. Need a break from that!

What's on today? Xx

@HJen22 yeah that's the great thing about it, you can say whatever you want without worrying about how it affects the other person. It really is so much to deal with I'm not surprised you felt like that after. But hopefully it is therapeutic and knowing you have that may make this journey that wee bit easier.

Thank you, it's a strange feeling. I'm almost like 'why am I not crying my eyes out about this'. Guess that will come. I'm cd 10 but not feeling up to trying this month. Where are you at? Xx

@suzy124 I got quite emotional and felt pretty drained afterwards, after speaking about how I felt for a whole hour. But I really think it was worthwhile and I'm so grateful that they offer it. Spoke to my OH about it too and explained how I was feeling. Think sometimes it's just so much to deal with. It's nice to speak to someone impartial. I worry I worry my mum and sister so I don't always want to say exactly how I'm feeling, I probably don't to anyone.

I'm sorry, I really know the feeling, numb is exactly how I felt and still do a lot of the time. Yeah try and not worry too much and hopefully everything aligns and you get an appointment at a suitable time! I know it's not a stress you need though! What cycle day are you now? Xx

@HJen22 aw that's brilliant, definitely make the most of her! It's really good they're offering that service. Did you feel better after? I sometimes feel great after and other times need another good cry! She's so right, this is so tough for you and the last thing you need is to be blaming yourself. It's going to work out in the end!! 💕
I'm doing ok thanks, still feeling quite numb with it all? Like am I actually gonna have ivf? Trying not to stress about getting the scan done in time, I can't do anything till next period anyway so just putting it on a shelf for now. Only thing I'll do this weekend is look at other places I could have it done privately and cheaper! Xx

@suzy124 she had said would I like to see her again and I said yeah definitely, expecting there to be a bit of a wait. She said she was quite busy but could do 2 weeks so that was great as I thought I might have to wait another month. I'd maybe do weekly if she could but seeing as it's free and lots of other people using the service I'd be happy with every 2 weeks or even at least once a month if that's all she could do. It's nice to have something in the calendar as next Friday is our follow up with the Dr (not an ivf app just after my initial referral to ask any questions etc I guess) and then the one after I'll speak to therapist again.

It definitely helped talking to her and her telling me to be kind to myself and that how I felt was normal. I give myself a hard time and worry a lot about things out with my control for sure. How are you doing today? Xx

@HJen22 aw I'm so glad it went well! And fab you can have as many as you want! Would you do weekly? It really does help knowing you have that safe space every week. Was she able to help at all? Yeah mine is a dbt therapist so I have things to do, but it's less like writing stuff and more behaviour changes etc. Not easy! Xx

@Loops01 No i know what you mean, I was the same in that I didn't want there to be anything wrong, but knew if there wasn't it would just be more waiting. But as there is nothing wrong, you still have a chance each month! So stay positive! Even if we do get to IVF before you, the chances of it working are still low, like the same as if someone was trying with no infertility factors. I wish it was a given but it's really not, and I know some of the times, its like a practice run with getting medication right etc! I totally understand how frustrating unexplained is though, and it really isn't fair. Oh believe me, I am always down some sort of wormhole its so easily done!

Yeah you can def call or email, I called and spoke to a lovely nurse one day, she was so nice she almost had me crying on the phone! And i've also spoken to people over email. So if you have questions its a good idea :)

@AZ1992X no need to apologise for taking a break, we all need it sometimes. I hope you feel back to your usual positive self soon, self love and be kind to yourself xx

My counselling was really good, I think knowing I had it today is what's maybe made it a bit of a better week, like what you said @suzy124 Knowing that 1 hour was when I could let it all out. She was so lovely and I have another session in 2 weeks. I can have as many as I need as long as I am a patient and she's going to send me some links and resources. It was nice to speak to someone knowing I'd not worry her, or she wouldn't know what to say, or she'd say what she thought I wanted to hear - like friends and family.

xxx

Afternoon ladies!

Sorry I’ve been a little absent recently just needed a little time out as I’ve been feeling a little down about it all. I guess I naively thought after my MC it wouldn’t take that long conceive and now I’m coming to realise I will probably have to wait a while for any help from nhs. It isn’t like me as I’m normally a very positive person but feel like I’ve been knocked down.

@Loops01 I’m sorry to hear you had a bad time at the procedure - I hope you’re feeling better (physically) now?
I’m glad that everything looked ok - but equally I know it must be hard to know you’ve done everything you can to try and make it happen and there not be an answer. ❤️

Hope everyone else is ok!!

@HJen22 yeah I'm super fed up of the waiting. It was nice to know that the Dr was really nice with everything and there's nothing major but it's just like you and that other couple may get pregnant before me with the help of ivf. I'm not saying it's unfair and it's difficult to say it best without it sounding jealous or bad. I totally get why you both need it but it's just weird to think that there are so many 'unexplained'. I honestly think I would fall pregnant naturally within like 4 years of trying but it's like why is it taking that long. I think I just end up feeling down that my SILs kid will be nearing 2 years old by the time we get ivf and give birth if it all works out and they still barely tried and started after us. I've honestly been thinking maybe it's 'us'. Maybe we aren't genetically compatible in that way. It's so stupid. Like a wormhole you just get swallowed up in it all.

Yeah @AZ1992X is the same with the mc thing. It's just not right. I do wonder when all the fertility rules will ease/change. Even the rules for same sex or that everywhere is different. So many people go abroad for ivf too. I think it just depends on what they have diagnosed. Absolute minefield ttc.

I am physically better after yesterday but now I wish I felt better as wanted to ask more questions but just wasn't in the right state. I'm assuming I could email or call if needed. I didn't go back to work in the end mainly because I only had an hour left and I felt so weak and faint there was no point! Back nightshift tonight though!!

@suzy124 aw I'm glad it went well. And I hope you found some comfort and release from talking to her. Does she give you things or tasks to do in between sessions? Just away to join the call in a minute, I'm so nervous! Xx

@HJen22 it was good thanks, mostly complained about my OH haha. Have you had your session yet? X

@Loops01 it's always just so much waiting isn't it 😔 I really hope it happens for you before then!

I haven't yet but it says on the letter I got after the referral that it will be discussed at my next appointment. It gives a better indication of egg reserve I think. I've been trying not to google about it as it freaked me out and worried me.

My most recent letter said 5 months I think it was, I had my referral mid august and they say I'll get my first appointment through in January. I kinda knew I'd be lucky if it was before the end of the year as not sure they'd start new November / December but who knows. I hope they are doing ok. I really struggled and to be honest still am with processing it all.

I can't believe that about miscarriages and then having to wait the 2 years again. That just doesn't seem right. I take CoQ10 ubiqunol that's meant to be good for egg health and loads of the other things from the nutritionist are for it too. But yeah you're right, it can be pricey!

I hope you're feeling better after yesterday! Did you have to go to work afterwards? Xx

@HJen22 2 years will be up in Aug 2022. Such a thought. That's why with the 4-6 months it'll be 2023!

Did you find out your AMH BTW? Not sure if they told you because of the follicles? I was told I wouldn't get told unless needed but I'm interested to know!!

The other couple got told that they might have a Christmas baby so I think they are thinking it's more 4 months for the referral now so you might not be long!! Crazy to think. I'll let them know about the book. She doesn't have the more normal cycles and he didn't initially have the best SA but thinking major apart from the 8 follicles. The Dr said he couldn't recommend anything but said he has heard impryl is good for egg health. It's so expensive for very little. I'm tempted to try but I'm fed up of wasting money!!

They also said if they got pregnant naturally andthen had a mc then the 2 years would reset however if they got pregnant via ivf and then mc then they still get the 3 cycles. So the mc wouldn't count as a used ivf apparently??

@suzy124 I hope you have a good session with your Therapist today, I haven't taken any notes I thought I'd just see how I felt at the time, however knowing I am away to be talking about it all has brought back the feelings of worry (about everything!) that I have been trying not take over this week! But I am hopeful talking with someone will help with a lot of my feelings and worries x

@Mouseyel thank you for your kind words x the nutrionist was nice, she has me taking tests for all sorts of things, and cutting out gluten and dairy etc. I like that I feel I am doing my utmost to help in any way / prepare my body, but it's hard and i find myself annoyed I am having to do this when so many people just fall pregnant so easily! A terrible "feeling sorry for myself" attitude but most days I am fine with it and know it will all be worth it in the end!

@User1400 thank you lovely! I will let you know how it goes! Oh im so sorry there was another announcement, they really are constant aren't they! Just cant seem to get away from it! I hope you are ok, keep your chin up, our time will come xxx i totally know what you mean though, i find myself calculating too, in the time we've been trying my stepdaughters mum has been pregnant twice (on MC) and is due in December. That was a hard pill to swallow as i really wanted to give my stepdaughter a baby brother/sister (she already has others but they are older) x

@Loops01 when is your 2 year mark again? Sorry, i have def asked this! I know its hard when nothing comes back with a reason, and you have to wait, but i really hope it happens for you in the meantime! Oh its such a good book, its called Get A Life: His & Hers Survival Guide to IVF, I would highly recommend it. I am sorry to hear they have been referred :(

@mummyjojo19 welcome! And thank you for your kind words! I am so sorry to hear you are struggling, we are all here for a chat and support x

Re drinking, I don't think one or two will do any harm, so many people don't even know they are pregnant to start with. You have to still have a life. I stopped when we first started TTC then as it went on, I'd allow myself some here and there. I am T total now from the Nutrionists advice and because I want to be in the best condition for IVF. But do what is best for you! Everyone is different. I used to smoke and so did my OH, I was more of a sociable smoker so know what you mean when out with friends. The longer you go without the easier it gets. But I know it's hard asking / wanting someone else to stop as you can only have control over yourself xxx

Thanks @HopefulGlow! Good to know about your sister! It's a shame she is selling everything though. Do you not want to tell her to save some? I'm due to peak tomorrow I think then obvs ov the day after so it'll be another 29 day cycle which is good considering I had my second covid vac so it means it hasn't really affected things this time! I knew it would be soon as I had a MASSIVE follicle! Trying to do some better sex positions for tilted and legs up for longer but I'm worried that they aren't getting through my cervix since the Dr struggled. I've heard that if youre periods are fine and normal then nothing stopping sperm getting up there. I don't think I have stenosis either but worried that that and tilted is making things more difficult. God knows. Difficult because this month should be out due to hycosy but dh is also away from tonight for work then when he is back my shifts and life is a bit hectic. It also means that next month we are out because of dh potentially being away for the entire fw. I hate our work!!!!!!!!

Have that prosecco!! I think a drink every now and again is fine! I personally wouldn't have more than a gin or two during a cycle unless I knew it was AF or I'm out of game!

I am still trying to lose weight but for some reason keep putting on. Its not much but I've taken up more exercise and cal counting. Stopping all alcohol, fizzy juice and sweets until annual leave next month and eating much better. Doing roughly 18k steps a day and cardio every 2nd day. Still putting on... 🙄 Hoping it's just body trying to get used to things. Will take official weight and measurements at the very end of the month. Any progress in some way might give me more motivation but it's so difficult!!!! There's no happy medium 😂

@mummyjojo19 welcome!!

We are always happy to have new faces supporting each other. But sorry you are going through this too.

Have you had any tests yet? ✨💕✨

@Mouseyel welcome! We all know how it feels so don’t worry, you can let it all out here.

So sorry your cycles are out of whack too, that’s so frustrating. How long have you been on the meds for? Have they changed anything?

As for your OH, can you not ask him to slowly cut down? Cut it out bit by bit? Or maybe swap the odd drink for an alcohol free one? There’s some really nice no alcohol beers out there now too.

I honestly think making little changes is easier and more beneficial than not making any? It’s okay to have the odd take-away or glass of wine but make sure it’s balanced. I think your mood is just as important as the food we eat too, so make sure you’re not making yourself miserable with diets.

As for the friends and family, is there no one you can open up to? Explain how you’re feeling? I know only one friend and my mum knows and I talk to my friend about it when I’m down, which really helps. But mainly coming on here has helped the most 💕

I also have the odd disagreement/argument with my OH, especially when I’m feeling down and beating myself up about it all. He works with pregnant women so i know he’s seen and heard it all. Which is probably why he’s so much more chilled than I am with it all!

Communication is key though! They need to be able to tell you how they are feeling, just like you need to tell them. You are both going through the same thing, just different perspectives ✨

@HJen22 I know what you mean, I can’t have it on cereal either haha way too much! I love having oat milk with cereal, it’s not too strong. Soya milk I only use for cooking because I just don’t like the flavour 🤷🏼‍♀️ Have you seen the dark chocolate in Aldi? Most of those are dairy free too, so good! I do have a list of treat chocolates that are dairy free but they are so expensive haha so if you fancy splashing out, let me know and I will share them 😂 I save those for Christmas when I’m feeling luxurious haha

My sister doesn’t know, she has been selling her baby stuff recently too and I’ve had to stop myself asking for them haha I don’t want to get ahead of myself 🙈 my little neice has just started saying my name, it melts my heart! It took us longer to bond because she’s a covid baby, so now we can see each other again it’s so much better!

@Loops01 so sorry to hear about your fainting, I hope you came round quickly! Great news about your results too! Do they know what the next steps are?

My sister has a tilted uterus!! She took almost 2 years to get her first but the second was fine. Apparently it shouldn’t affect things though, in terms of TTC? I’m sure that’s what I was told?

Ooo we are close! I’m due to O today or tomorrow apparently…no peaks yet though 😓 so my day will consist of me constantly peeing in my pot 😂

@suzy124
thank you! Even getting the ball rolling with it all has given me hope. Or at least calmed me down a bit!

@User1400 I agree!! We can’t stop living our lives and only focus on the chance that we might be pregnant, it would drive us crazy!! I think everything in moderation is key. If you want some wine, have some, you want to order a pizza, order it! I don’t think doing these things on a small scale will do us any harm. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m tempted to have a Prosecco tonight, it’s Friday and I feel like I deserve it haha

I think I’ve replied to everyone! Sorry if I missed any, there’s been a lot of chatter haha
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Hi ladies, I hope you don't mind me popping on I have read this thread in detail. Me and dh have been trying since our wedding in 2018. Still not even a whiff of a bfp. But I didn't come on to talk about me. I just wanted to say your inspirational women and I truly hope that you all get to be mummy's very soon and also @HJen22 I hope you're first counselling session today goes well. Glad you finally have the ball rolling for the ivf sending love and hugs to you all xxx

Thanks everyone! Were just to wait until the 2 year mark and then we will get a referral letter automatically from them apparently! That will then be for the ivf. He told me to stop tracking and just have sex 2-3 times a week and hopefully I won't need the ivf. Felt like saying I don't even see dh 2-3 times a week nevermind for sex!

@HJen22 another couple I know had theirs yesterday (not hycosy due to her age-late 30s) but she was told that she only has 8 follicles and they have been referred for ivf within the 4-6 months! What book was it you were reading that you found good??

Hi all! I feel like I have missed loads of chatter 🤣.

Welcome @Mouseyel! Sorry you’re going through this too. That’s such an amazing story about your friend having twins! Hopefully the rest of us don’t have to wait too much longer for our BFP’s💕.

I am not a big drinker at home, but I do sometimes go for dinner with friends and end up having far too much to drink! I tend to beat myself up about it (especially when I have the fear lol). But I try to remind myself that I need to have a life! I’m going out for dinner and drinks on Saturday actually and feeling stressed about it already as I am in TWW, but what am I meant to do.. stay home and hope I’m pregnant?! If I had done that for the last 2 years, I think I would of lost my marbles😂. So anyway, I’m rambling, for me, it’s worth it in moderation as I enjoy the social aspect.

Another issue is that my OH smokes (yet another point of contention in our TTC journey!). He is trying to quit, but I don’t think he’s trying hard enough. Everyday he finds a reason that he needs to have a cigarette, I just don’t think he understands/takes it seriously the impact this will have on us receiving funding. I am trying to keep calm but the fact this is the ONLY thing he is being expected to do, is really getting to me more and more as each day goes by.

@Loops01 I’m so glad to hear the results from your HyCosy were positive! Sounds like you had a bit of an ordeal afterwards though 😵, I hope you’re feeling okay. I think someone else has already asked - what are your next steps?

@HJen22 good luck with your counselling tomorrow, looking forward to hearing about it 😊.
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After me saying I like to stay off social media for my mental health, I logged into Instagram and seen a colleague who is still on maternity leave, announcing she is pregnant again! Another total shock. I know this doesn’t actually make any difference to me, it just hurts she’s going to have had two babies almost in the same space of time we’ve been trying for one😭.

Xx

@Mouseyel if the meds are working like they should what's the reason for having to keep going to scans all the time? I would have thought they'd do that for a month or two and then let you carry on.

Oh well if you ever do find anything out please let me know! I was told not to be concerned by then but online says different, and my OH has no injury or infections (that we know of!)

I was never a big drinker so no alcohol was easy for me. I sometimes have a wee drink during AF just but if you have a glass of wine at weekends or something I really don't think it will hurt chances. But I would say def give up the smoking!

What did the nhs say they'd do next for you? Xx

@HJen22 - I’m so sorry you’re going through this it’s the hardest thing. January at least gives you a few months to prep and relax but also isn’t too far away at all and I’ve heard of SO many success stories with IVF including a girlfriend I worked with who had twins after 6 years of ttc. Wishing you all the luck in the world! I was taking same vitamins and you’ve reminded me I need to take them religiously this month because I keep forgetting/running out. Was the nutritionist helpful?

@suzy124 thank you! Yes I’m glad I lied tbh lol. Letrozole is similar to clomid- I think it’s especially effective for those with PCOS. I’m trying to decide whether to start them again this month (tomorrow) or have a break because I just feel so exhausted by it all and it’s really hard to keep sneaking away from work to go to the millions of monitoring appts you have to go to (to see if you’ve produced a follicle/what size it is etc etc). I think I’ll see how I feel tomorrow. It has made my cycles shorter and made me ovulate but I was also ovulating by myself when tested but had long/irregular cycles so it’s hard to know what the issue is.

Re the anti sperm antibodies I have no idea how they went away- I’m still really sceptical about the 2nd test showing up clear. There’s minimal info online and doctors seem vague. They said they could’ve be caused by an infection? My OH has inverse psoriasis which makes his foreskin tight and crack and bleed when he gets a flare up (sorry if TMI!!!) and I wonder if that had anything to do with it…

What is everyone’s opinion on smoking and drinking alcohol have you completely given up/limited? I went to a wedding last week which was basically a 3 day bender (after being fairly limited for a long time) and I wonder if that effected my shot at implantation.

I also smoked. I’m usually not a smoker (unless I’m really drunk) but I find the stress of ttc really makes me crave nicotine more than usual!

I was also stressed because I hadn’t seen my extended family in 2ish years due to lockdown and it was all quite overwhelming. I find it hard to relax during implantation week for some reason maybe hormones?

Anyway this thread is really making me feel better this eve thanks all xxx

@HJen22 * which reminds me, not I hitch 🙄

@HopefulGlow aw damn that's annoying! Well they are sure to definitely start investigating anyway which if nothing else can help put your mind at ease. Hope it goes well!

@HJen22 yeah it definitely helps knowing I have that time every week to say anything I feel and work through difficulties. Have you made any notes for tomorrow? I hitch reminds me I have to make mine!

@Mouseyel welcome! I'm really sorry you've got shitty cycles atm, is the medication helping to regulate them at all? Is it similar to clomid? Don't worry about lying to doctors, I have too. It's the right thing to do when time isn't on our side and the toll on our mental health is so massive. Can I ask how your OH got rid of the antisperm antibodies? My OH has them around 20% atm and we don't know why

@Loops01 I'm sorry today was such an ordeal but fantastic news about the results! You never know your scans might be used as teaching material in future 😂 How do you feel now? I'm also now booked in for my amh bloods and trying to get my tube hsg scan sorted

Xx