Trying to conceive over 40

Oh and thank you @Mum2baby07! Xx

Thanks guys. I think I’m just in a bit of a tailspin. My sister put it rather eloquently last night - “your problem is there’s no bad result, so there’s no obvious path”. My DH is so amazing (AGREE @Marvellouslymadmum that it’s so refreshing to have a good one finally 😂) that I suspect we will try again. I just need to woman up to the fact I will cope if it does happen (feel like such a weirdo saying all this here!) and I won’t completely lose myself. I’m very very lucky whatever happens. 🙂 And I have a tonne of OPKs I might as well pee on….🤣

@Littlemiss40andfabulous I can’t believe what you’ve been through. I am so happy the way things are going for you right now and I love the attitude you have. You deserve everything working out your way. And it will!

Hi, i'm now on my first IVF cycle and have just turned 42. Can anyone give me any reassurance please.... i'm in a panic! I started Cetrotide injections 2 days ago, today being my third injection. I thought i'd read everything but have just realised that it should be taken out of the fridge about 30 mins before injecting. I haven't done this.... i've had local reactions so i'm hoping I haven't messed it all up. Aaaargh nightmare 😔😪 Has anyone else done tge same thing as me?? X

@Honey2 so sorry to hear your news and hope you’re bearing up ok.
@Geriatric1234 I understand your feelings and it’s tough but I had an accidental pregnancy at 42 - sadly miscarried at 9 weeks - so if it’s possible without trying I can’t help thinking what’s possible when we do try and blow my age! Hope you decide on the right outcome for you

Hi everyone, had a busy few days at work so just catching up on this thread- some really interesting discussions going on.

@Honey2 I'm so sorry to hear you've started bleeding. Sending you big hugs.

I was previously married (sadly my first husband died) and we were officially infertile due to my husband having zero sperm count so had to decide whether to go down the IVF/adoption route. We went to the first IVF appt but in the end decided to adopt- for us we wanted to put our efforts into being mum and dad to a child that was alive and needed loving parents, rather than IVF and we went to the first weeklong adoption information course, which I was really impressed with, and think all parents (natural or adoptive) should go on. Sadly my husband died shortly after so we never got further. I have a very good friend who has adopted a brother and sister 2 years ago (they are 4 now) and one has fetal alcohol syndrome and has slower development but the love my friend has for them both is as strong as any biological mother's and the progress the kids have made with her is amazing. They are just her kids now.

Only last month my current husband and I began the discussion again regarding IVF/adoption and second time round we are currently undecided. Different circumstances/different decision to make. It's such an individual decision isn't it? So to find out we are currently pregnant (6 weeks and 4 days today) was a real (but pleasant) shock.

There are definite advantages of being childless, and it's good to be reminded of that- thanks @Geriatric1234 and @Honey2 I remember quite a few years ago when I was sharing with my boss what I was up to (going home to read a book and have a glass of wine in the bath) she looked at me enviously and said she hadn't been able to do that for the past 4 years since her kids were born! If we do become parents that is going to be a big shock to the system!

Hope everyone here has a good day today x

@Honey2 he really is, like the total opposite of my almost ex husband (just waiting for my decree nici finally!) I'm just so determined it's not in me to give up, not yet anyway.

@Marvellouslymadmum haha that’s so funny! He sounds like a great guy 😊 I love your certainty about your TTC journey. I am sure you will get there.

@Geriatric1234 there certainly are advantages to being child free and in a way if you have never had it perhaps you won’t miss it? Could it just be the stress of TTC that is causing you to feel like you might not want a baby?

@Honey2 sorry to hear about the bleeding I do hope you're ok? Has it continued?

As for the ttc lark I'm still not ready to give up, my oh like yours and @Geriatric1234 is so supportive and when I hit my results yesterday just said the most important thing is that I'm ok and not in loads of pain each month and if I'm determined to have a baby and we don't have any luck then we will go down whatever route we need to including fostering/adopting whatever I want as long as I'm happy 😢 it's so nice to finally have a supportive partner that thinks about you! Then he's been doing a dance around the house all day and acting like a Body builder flexing his muscles because his letter from the fertility clinic said his sa was absolutely normal 😂

@Honey2 I totally get it!! I'm having a meltdown today...it's weird. AF is 3 days late, so I finally tested and was so, SO relieved it was BFN. WTAF is going on in my brain...?? I've got DH to book his vasectomy and decided I need to mull things over for a week or so as I'm not sure I want to TTC anymore. It's just so destabilising. And we are older - I'm 43 soon and DH is 49. I think I might prefer to just be childfree (as was always my plan until I met DH) and free of tethers ;-D Honestly...it's a rollercoaster! DH being similarly adorable and saying he'll support whatever I want. Bless him!

@Geriatric1234 thanks, I’m not sure on the TTC front. I had given myself the date of end July - so that baby would be before my 42nd bday. May seem silly but for me I didn’t want to be any older than 41 when I gave birth. So theoretically we could possibly squeeze one more attempt in if this MC goes quickly. Back in March I miscarried and had a period 4 weeks later (after which I fell preg). I think I could handle another miscarriage as I feel like I am totally appreciative that it’s a 50/50 role of the dice every time. But equally I wonder also if I should just take this as a sign and move on from TTC and look to the future. In my heart of hearts I think part of the reason I want another baby is that I am finding it hard to let go to the ‘baby’ stage as my youngest is now 5 and growing up so quickly....

Decisions decisions! At least my DH is supportive either way which is fantastic

@Honey2 Oh I'm so sorry :-( I have to admit I thought this might end up surprising you, but I'd feel the same and just want it to be over if it's going to end anyway. How are you feeling? Is that you done with TTC now? x

@Marvellouslymadmum interesting question! I agree with @sabtom I think it might take longer in those initial weeks month (although to be honest, I don’t think I ‘bonded’ with my first in the early days - all I was consumed by way keeping him alive!!) but I honestly think as they grow and they are raised and cared for by you in my opinion you would feel totally like they were your child. For me it’s about giving and receiving love. We have also considered adoption, the reason we haven’t gone down that route is that it’s very likely that the child would have additional needs of some kind and while that wouldn’t necessarily be a problem for a first child, we felt it unfair to choose to put that on the 3 children we have already. I believe fetal alcohol syndrome is quite common in adopted children sadly and it often cannot be diagnosed until later. You are also unlikely to get a ‘baby’ if you adopt - we were told more like 12-18months at the youngest. Still if I couldn’t have had kids naturally we definitely would have explored that route.

Just a little update on me - sadly I started bleeding yesterday, just spotting but it’s slightly more today. At least I know where I stand now and to be honest it’s probably better this way than having to wait until the 18th only to find out it was MMC.

Hey guys, got my day 21 progesterone result and it’s 45.7 nmol/L. This would suggest I don’t need to explore Clomid right?

I asked in another +35 ttc group, but though it might be a bit more specialised here!

My DHEA was 3.3.
Thanks! X

@October1979 it’s such a difficult dilemma around a donor egg. I know a few people who have gone the donor route. One has a genetic issue that they only discovered after she had two very late term miscarriages (too awful) and she now has two gorgeous kids with donor eggs from her sister (worth considering, if you have any sisters or other female relatives who might be prepared to be a donor!?). There’s no weirdness between them (the donor sister has 3 kids of her own), and I think it actually made their relationship stronger.

I also have a couple of friends who have used donor sperm (one who wanted a baby and didn’t have a partner and one who is part of a lesbian couple….). None of them have any regrets, but as @Catconfusion pointed out, you really have to think about the worst case scenarios for each option and how you would feel about them. For me, I think that once I had carried a baby in my belly for 9months, I can’t imagine that it wouldn’t feel like my own baby. But I know that my husband really feels he needs to have a genetic connection and would prefer not to have a child than have a sperm donor. it is really such a personal choice!!

@Geriatric1234 "as long as you get to the ultimate destination will you really care how you got there?" - Great quote! 👍🏻

@sabtom Ooooh I was gonna ask that!! ;-D

I don't want to belittle the experience of pregnancy at all, I think it's incredible (and I think it even more so since TTC!!!) and I've no doubt it gives a 'pre-bond' to a child. But to go through so much with surrogacy/adoption...surely that fight to get the child you want is at least equally as bonding because it hasn't come naturally. I dunno.

Part of me thinks this is like comparing flying to sailing - as long as you get to the ultimate destination will you really care how you got there?

@sabtom no I don't, I think it would take longer but be there just as well, it's something I've considered in my head along with egg donation, adoption etc even though I absolutely loved carrying my two I would still consider any of them if I can't have one naturally as the alternative of not having one is just not something I'll be happy with!

So here's a question that I'm interested in hearing from from guys. If you physically couldn't birth a child, but a surrogate carried you child, your egg and partner's sperm, so 100% biologically yours, do you think the bond would be less?

Annnnndddd go! 😁

@Geriatric1234 glad to know I’m not the only who is a catastrophist 😂.

You’re right, I can only imagine what it’s like to hold an adopted baby. But I just can’t imagine it’s the same feeling. It’s so hard to put into words. Not to say it’s not special or amazing in its own right to hold an adopted baby, I’m sure it is. For me the pregnancy and birth is a unique part of the journey. I think the bond can be as strong with an adopted child and they’d be loved the same if that makes sense but giving birth adds a layer to that bond a guess. For me it’s not a sacrifice I feel I could make however for someone else it might be. You never know I might feel differently in a few years if it doesn’t work out naturally for us.

Aww your friend sounds amazing. It’s so good to hear a positive adoption story, especially after having a biological experience.

I’m sure many many people have positive experiences. I know four couples who have adopted. One had an amazing experience with their two boys, another adopted a boy with developmental delay and is now taking the local authority to court because it wasn’t disclosed. The other couple had one healthy boy and a baby girl with foetal alcohol syndrome which only was symptomatic later on so they didn’t know. The last couple sadly had a still birth with their second child so adopted a baby girl and all was good there.

I don’t know much about adoption so only commenting with what I know from people I know and from my perspective having had ds. It’s good to have a range of opinions and perspectives on here though. Xx

@Geriatric1234 that’s a lovely phrase from your friend. It made me tear up!

@Catconfusion I love that list. Such a great way to look at it. I’m the same about thinking about worst case stuff too!

The only thing I’d “disagree” with (I use the term loosely) is that pregnancy is required for that special bond. I guess unless you’ve adopted a baby too (correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think you have) how can you be sure the bond isn’t the same, albeit formed differently?

I have a friend who has two adopted children and one biological (a “surprise” baby after being told she was infertile). She says she feels no differently towards them at all. Her phrase - which honestly makes me tear up - is “my first two were born from my heart and my third was born from my body”. I think once you’re holding that child: you’re a mum.

But i do I understand what you mean. Xx

@October1979 I find the following thought process useful in making a decision on things like this but then I like to consider worst case scenarios. You might not work this way but I thought I’d share.

I’d ask myself if I want to pursue a biological pregnancy even if…
-it doesn’t happen and I end up childless.
-I have more miscarriages.
-I need IVF.
-My baby have an age related complication such as down syndrome or autism.
-even if the pregnancy is stressful and complicated and I need time off work.

Or I want to use a donor egg even if…

• I experience grief and sadness at times if I can’t see myself in my child.
• there is a chance the baby has genetic markers for diseases outside of the family I.e. breast cancer.
• as an adult they want to find their biological mum or if anonymous they feel sad about not knowing her.
• I experience pregnancy complications with a baby that’s not biologically mine.

Or I want to pursue adoption even if…

• I never get to experience pregnancy.
• My baby has an undiagnosed condition later on due to a difficult start on life. (this happened to a friend. Her child has a serious developmental issue probably related to the mother not taking care during pregnancy. It wasn’t disclosed at adoption. She’s had to give up work to care for him.)
• The child wants to find the birth parents one day and I am sad about this.

Just a few scenarios there that I have considered. What I will say about options involving pregnancy. I was very naive about it before I went through it. For me it was HARD!! I couldn’t work due to hyperemisis so was on and off bed bound for the first six months. For the last two months I was on crutches and could barely walk. I then needed major surgery to deliver. Luckily no serious complications but I know people who have nearly died. I think @sabtom made a really valid point about putting your body through a pregnancy when the baby isn’t biologically yours. Chances are you will be fine but be prepared, not everyone can work through their pregnancy and some women take a long time to recover. I also know women who’ve had to take longer than a year off as baby still not sleeping well at a year. So how you feel about your career is probably a factor in your decision. Just sharing because I didn’t consider these aspects. Maybe you’re more aware of these issues than I was.

I really do feel for you @October1979 it’s such a tough one. I do hope our musings are helpful. I think all routes to parenthood have potential risks and challenges. It’s a case of weighing up which ones are right for you and your partner.

Also follow @ittakes_three on Instagram. This is a man who have just been through donor egg IVF with his wife after multiple miscarriages. She’s now 30 weeks pregnant and they are very happy and excited.

Personally I think I would prefer donor egg to adoption because I’d at least want DH to be the biological Dad. Also I’d take care during pregnancy so baby would get the best chance of developing normally. As hard as pregnancy and birth can be it’s totally worth it for that bond despite what I said above. It’s difficult to describe but I’ve never felt anything like it. I’m sure you’d love an adopted child the same but I feel it’s a sacrifice. Anyway I’ll stop rambling now. Xx

Hey @October1979, I'm gunna put my 2cents in and say me and the OH are not even considering donor egg/sperm for our own personal reasons. The way I see it is I don't want to put my body through pregnancy and birth for a child that's not biologically a part of me and the person I love. But I would love to be a mother (even though pregnancy and birth scare the hell out of me!) and if we can't bring our own biological child into world then we will definitely go down the adoption route because there's so many children that have already been brought into this world that need a loving home, and at the end of the day they are still your child(ren) because it'll be you raising them.