37 and regret not trying for baby earlier

I know where youre coming from!

DH and I never really discussed children in depth. We said it would be nice one day. We got engaged, bought a house, got married and did everything we wanted to do. We went on all the holidays we wanted to and built up good careers.

When I came off the pill almost 3 years ago (for other medical reasons, not TTC) we said, if we get pregnant then its fine but we werent trying.
Fast forward and I hit 36. No children and no sign of anything happening either despite no forms of contraception.

It hit me like a brick to the face. All of my friends and family have children. Im the only one who doesnt and suddenly I realised how much I want to be a mum.

We have been trying for a while now and nothing. We have both had tests run at the doctors and except my progesterone levels, nothing is abnormal so we are in the process of being referred.

Do I regret not trying earlier?
Yes.

Would it have made any difference to try sooner?
Probably not no.

Would I be happy if I had a child earlier and not done the things I have with my life?
No.
We have done so much as a couple. We have travelled alot and seen amazing places and cultures. I wouldnt change that for the world to be honest. Its given us the US time if that makes sense, something you dont get so much with a child.
Selfish some might say but everyone is different.

We will keep trying and await the referral and go from there.
Thats all I can do and keep fingers crossed.

Morning
I'm 38wks this week.
I understand the regret side of what could have been/what you should have done. My OH and I spoke about children quite early in the relationship, partly due to our ages. He's someone I went out with at school when we were 15, reconnected on Facebook, went for coffee, never looked back.
Anyway we went round and round the baby conversation neither of us really ruling it out. Then covid happened and we spent so much time together, hes been furloughed for most of it. And its been really good for us. I can't imagine being in lockdown with anyone else. He's such good company.
I just said one day that wanting a baby hadn't gone away. If we didn't try I was worried I'd regret it but if we tried and it didn't happen by the time we were whatever age, I'd be disappointed but at least we'd have tried.
And here I am pregnant just waiting for her to arrive. I'm on a forum for Feb birth and there are lots of 'older' mums on there. Its alot more common to be having first babies in mid to late 30s or early 40s than it was.
But you can't go back so try not to be too hard on yourself x

I understand, OP.

Slightly different situation, as I'm in a same sex relationship and so we would have always needed intervention. Same sort of age as you.

.I was saying to DW a few nights ago, we should have just started a few years ago. We should have just accepted x, y and z - like not having enough money, not having enough space etc. Yes, we could have made it work I suppose, but it would have been really really tough. Yes, the time gone by may mean we struggle, but we made the decision to delay based on real life situations and as the saying goes, you can't go forward if you're always looking back.

Good luck x

Hello OP! I didn't start TTC until I was 36 heading on 37. I had what I guess was a chemical pregnancy first and miscarried. That was just before I turned 37. However, we started trying again a few months later and I conceived in the second month. DD was born when I was 38. You're not too late! I hope it all works out for you

Let it go OP! You can't change the past, but you can give yourselves the best chance of conception now. 37 is NOT too old for most women and many go on to have babies into their 40s. You could easily have two or even more DC, so stop blaming and regretting and just focus on the business of getting pregnant, which includes being and maintaining a healthy weight, cutting back/giving up any bad habits like smoking and drinking, taking conception vitamins, eating plenty of fruit and veg, getting enough sleep and reducing worry/stress in your life inc. stressing about why you didn't try earlier! Oh and have plenty of sex - every other day from the end of your period for at least 10 days (for a standard length cycle). Good luck!

The good news is that if you're trying for the first time, in your late 30s, your chances are much better than the statistics might suggest. That's because stats include a lot of people who've been trying for years and are still trying. Whereas, as a 'first timer', there's no reason to think there's anything wrong with you.

Of course if there are problems, you have less time to solve them. But you are 37 not 42 and that is a big difference.

So all you can do is get one with it and progress to seeking help reasonably quickly if it doesn't happen - which it sounds like you're already doing.

Good luck!

I hear you OP.

I never wanted children, in fact was vehemently against it until about a year ago. (I’m 33, 34 soon!) We started trying in November and no luck yet. Pink spotting this morning and AF is due today/ tomorrow so I know she’s on her way. I feel a bit heartbroken going into cycle 4 tbh, a bit like someone else said, like I’m being punished for not wanting them earlier.

I have suspected endometriosis and am waiting to be seen for that too and I worry that if we don’t get pregnant within the next year, or have severe complications/ end up being infertile that people will say ‘well you did leave it until you were 33 to start trying blah blah’ like it’s our fault.

It’s crap and stressful OP but like others said, we have to keep positive. FWIW, my friend had her 1st at 38 in her 4th month of trying and her second at 40, think that one took a bit longer but it happened! And it will for you too I’m sure!

Don’t beat yourself up about waiting until now, I’m trying not to. DH and I have done some amazing things and had a really fun life when a lot of my friends were doing the baby thing. We’ve enjoyed the first however many years of our relationship just us 2 and I don’t regret that.

I think if we’re not pregnant by cycle 6, we’re going to pay the £500 or whatever it is and have private fertility tests, just to rule out anything, as if something is wrong I’d rather know in the next couple of months than waste another 6 months TTC with something wrong. Maybe for peace of mind you could do similar after a few months if nothing’s happened? Though I think they say they want to see you after 6 months anyway if you’re over 35?

Anyway, don’t despair, it WILL happen for you, I’m sure of it!

@Twelvestars were you on hormonal contraception prior to deciding to ttc? It can take a while for your cycles to settle back down, give it time x

I have PCOS and had fertility treatment for my first two children. I never had periods at all. Then at 40, I realised I was pregnant about 4 months in. If I can get pregnant, I really think your chances are very high.

It has been one month - be kinder to yourself. Young doesn't necessarily mean easy. It took me a year of trying at 32.

DH and I were discussing the other day how, physically, it would have been a much better idea to have DC in our twenties when we were much less creaky! Then we laughed at how not remotely interested or ready for kids we were at that age.

In my social circle it’s the the norm to start a family in your 30s (or even 40s). I had mine at 35 and 37 and am pg again at 39. If you look at population-level stats yes fertility does decline, but you are an individual within those stats, just like my friend who needed ivf at 30 and my other friend who is about to have her first at 38.

You can’t change the past, and TTC can be tough, but just keep trying and keep talking and hopefully you’ll have your baby in your arms soon.

I had my first baby at 37 and my second at 38 :)

Yes, I'm the same. Started trying at 36, had lots of problems and investigations and around the age of 40 gave up. (My doc said I should focus on something else. Thanks doc!) I did kind of give up but also secretly I also took lots of supplements, had accupuncture, Chinese herbs and wheat grass daily. And had my DC at the age of 42. It is possible and enough women to do to make it worth trying...

My advice... Don't give up. Be positive (its really important) Do your research. Join an online group with similar women. Discuss, vent, cry with them (easier when it's not your family/friends) and crucially talk to them about research, interventions, good clinics, good doctors etc. There'll be lots of groups out there but the best ones will have women who are doing their own research and sharing it. Take supplements, consider chinese herbs, accupuncture and look into things like robitussin, it's a cough mixture that thins your mucus and enables sperm to live longer and travel further. I personally think that 37 is late but in many cases not too late especially if you get your body in shape.

Good luck, get busy...

Also, excessive worry was one of the first symptoms of my pregnancy...so maybe get yourself a test...

I was suddenly so worried that I would never be able to have a baby (we stopped trying for a few weeks as I was working 16 hour days). I stressed and worried and panicked and then my period never came but I thought there was no way I could be pregnant. And yet I was!

I got pregnant very quickly at 38. You haven't even been trying for a month yet, so don't start stressing and worrying. Take it easy for six months, see what happens and then start thinking seriously. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to get pregnant and then I was pregnant after one or two tries. I thought it was going to take at least a year or something as my periods are irregular.

You're worrying about something that is outside your control right now so why even give it headspace? Just see what happens.

*vits

@Twelvestars so sorry you're feeling so stressed about it all......I think as soon as you make that decision to TTC....at whatever age.....suddenly piles o. The pressure!
I am currently 37 (just about to turn 38) and I've had a little baby, conceived second month of trying!
Make sure you take all the pre-natal bits etc & keep going with the OPKs .....I found they really worked! In my circle of friends so ma y of them have had babies in the last year & a half so plenty of people
Have them late 30s.
Best thing to do is to try & relax because if you're stressed it will have a negative impact!
Best of luck OP.....I'm sure you'll be pregnant before you know it! Xx

I’m in the same position as you except I was adamant I didn’t want children at all. Until I met my partner 3 years ago. I’ve been off the pill since June 2020 and we were going with an if it happens, it happens mindset. But since it seems like my periods are irregular, I’m actually going to need to pay a lot more attention to DTD consistently all month long while tracking ovulation using sticks and a wee microscope thing someone told me about on here. I’ve got Day 21 bloods booked for next week but as my cycle is longer, I’ve had to try and calculate it to my average date of suspected ovulation from the apps I use.

I’m 37 in a couple of months and I’m slightly afraid that there’s something wrong with me, although I’m trying to be a bit more positive in the hopes that’ll help. I had thoughts of it being karma that I was adamant a child was not in my future and when I changed my mind, it seemed like I was being punished by it being hard for me to conceive. Ive had the worry that my body is broken and won’t be able to do what it’s supposed to. But since New Year I’ve decided to stop the negative self talk. It’s not helping matters at all and it’s causing my mental health to decline. Which I’m sure you will probably recognise in yourself.

I take solace in the many threads on here showing that women can get pregnant naturally well into their 40’s. It seems a lot more common these days for mother’s to be slightly older. Don’t give up hope. I’ve been told to get a fertility MOT so that’s what I’m doing. There’s ways and means. You’re not alone x