Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

Assuming this man is actually prepared to marry you rather than just date you and it's not all talk, get married first.

I think at 22 you haven't had enough life experience to really know what you are choosing. That age gap will have huge consequences later. Look on the boards of younger spouses who are FT carers at 50. There is also a power imbalance in lots of age gap relationships.

If you are determined, get married first. It'll show you whether he is really committed or you are a ML crisis and about to be a single mum at 23.

Do you understand why a stable job is not the same as being married?

As your DP is a bit older it would be a good idea to start TTC now as the man is also a factor here!

No one will judge you for having a baby at 22 but, if we’re honest, I think people will judge you for having a baby at 22 with a 41 year old.

I don't think it's too young but I agree with the advice to get married first, for your protection. Engagements don't mean anything. I was engaged and had moved abroad, planned pregnancy at 28 (so a bit older than you). My fiancé changed his mind and left, and my parents were so horrified that I was a single parent that I couldn't come back to the UK. It was ok, because I had a good job, and I am not suggesting that your fiancé or indeed mother/aunt would react in the same way, but it's good to be prepared. I too had a really supportive sister, and those phone calls helped massively (although they were expensive!).

I wouldn’t say 22 is a particularly young Mum. Younger Mum absolutely, but not young. When I personally think of young Mum’s I think of teenage Mum’s.

I’m 23 and around 70% of my friends have had children in the past year and one at the age of 19 but she got married first. I don’t think any of them were judged for it, although I know the one who had a child at 19 and married at 18 was asked why she wanted to grow up so fast but now not so much.

I agree with other posters though, if you are engaged then get married first. If one of my friends told me she was trying for a baby with a DP our age I don’t think it’s something I’d push but with the age difference between yourself and your DP and the fact you are already engaged I would be getting married to give yourself some extra security.

You definitely need to be married before having a baby. I also think it would be sensible to wait as having a baby if covid restrictions are still ongoing is really not a good idea

As someone who had a baby at 21, and also married a man 18 years older, and also moved to a different country away from my family and support network...

My advice is to wait. Wait until you've been together a long while and you know him inside and out. A huge age gap comes with a power differential. It just does. He has almost twice as much life experience as you. I love my husband but we've had to overcome this dynamic, and it's been hard.

Wait until you've experienced a bit more of adulthood. I love my child but I missed out on so much. This becomes obvious pretty much the second the baby is born. There were regrets.

Wait until you're married. Do your research on why this is crucial from a self-protection point of view (I don't mean because it's "tradition"). Be savvy, especially if you're with a man so much older.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, wait until you have a good support network in your new location before you have a baby. It's hard, no matter how lovely and rosy it seems as an idea, and you need people you can lean on, ideally any time day or night.

@Daisydoesnt is right. Covid is obviously not great but you could always legally get married & have the big day later.

Not a lot of people realise older sperm can lead to problems conceiving and increased risks of certain conditions. I wouldn’t put it off just because of other peoples opinions :)

I think people realise that but I don't think that should be the main motivation for the OP to do it, she has to be ready.

Forget being engaged, forget buying a house - the only thing that really matters before you have a family is being married. Do it first. Not agree to get married, actually get married. And then start trying for a baby. Use your brain, your intelligence and your maturity to make the smart decision! There is no downside to getting married first, but potentially a world of downside if you don’t.

No judgment here, it’s not that young to be a mum at all but the time you have conceived and been pregnant!

I would however think twice about the age gap and not being married before children. Think about when you are thirty and your husband is 50 ? You maybe very mature for your age and that why boys in their twenties are annoying to you but someone in their early thirties or late twenties would be so much better long term.

I’m 24 and pregnant with DC2. My fiancé is 38. We have been together almost 4 years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If it wasn’t for corona and me getting pregnant with DS1 we would have been married by now. Some people want to do lots of things before they have children some people want to do things with/ after they have children. By having my babies now I should be able to catch up career wise when other women are taking time off to have their babies. I think there’s defiantly advantages and disadvantages to having babies at any age but if your dp wants children do it now. Not a lot of people realise older sperm can lead to problems conceiving and increased risks of certain conditions. I wouldn’t put it off just because of other peoples opinions :)

Get married first. Otherwise you really aren't financially stable, he is.

Nothing wrong with being a younger mum, we all wait too long now (speaking as someone about to have their first at 32) but get married first. Solidify your attachment to each other before you bring another being into the equation.

I also know I would have ended up resenting him hugely if I hadn’t had the time to go and live life a bit. We both know it would never ever have worked long term, even with babies. He’s wonderful, but even so, I know I would have ended up feeling trapped and angry.

I agree with Greebols....

But if determined to go down this route start taking your pills again until married.

I’d have missed out on a lot of fun if I’d had a baby at 22 tbh. And to a certain extent, I would be a bit dubious about a 41 year old who was encouraging that. I got together with my DP when I was a year younger than you (there’s also a big age gap.) We broke up. We’re now back together and have two children. He’s an older dad as a result, but we are both so glad we waited. I would have missed out on so so much.

Don't do it, and don't waste your youth on a man twice your age. Dump him and enjoy being young and free. Seriously.

Are you planning to get married first?

I was 24 when I had my DS and I have no regrets whatsoever. Life is too short and I get to be part of his life longer. Good luck!

I had 4 children by aged 30 and I have never been judged for my age. Judged for everything else perhaps, but that's parenting. You don't get praise and you get unsolicited advice and judgement all the time.

Have you thought about getting married first? It will give you greater financial protection if your partner leaves you or dies and you've reduced your hours or had maternity leaves which impact on your work life. It also makes registering a birth a tiny bit easier as he can go alone!

@Dex1521 I was 24 when I had my DD but I look very young, I've never had anybody say anything to me or stare, or maybe I simply haven't noticed as I could not care less what anybody thinks We also got married when I was 21 and we've now been together over 10 years, I definitely got comments then but eventually you just don't bother anymore, as long as your happy thats all that matters.
Also I have a lot of respect for young mums, its not easy and I've seen better young mums than plenty of others (I work with children and families) Do what evers best for you and your partner, your family/friends will come around.

I would recommend being married first, but other than that go for it. Being a young mum is great.