Wanting to start a family but scared of being judged

There is no power in-balance in our relationship and quite frankly we are no different to a couple who are the same age!

You been together 'years' and you're 22. That means you were a teenager when you get together and he was a fully mature adult in his 30s. OF COURSE there's a power imbalance. That may work out and be fine. But tying yourself with a child to him while having none of the legal protections of marriage is foolhardy.

You may never regret this decision but there's a very high chance you will.

Never mind though, we'll be here in a few years when you need some advice.

I don't think you should feel that people who are saying it would be a good idea to marry first are judging your relationship. I was with my DH 13 years before we got married. We had a very small ceremony which was actually really lovely. I can't ever see him not being there to support me, we have a great relationship, financially stable and own a house together. However no matter what the relationship the horrible reality is sometimes it doesn't work out and so as unromantic as it sounds I think that always has to be considered when you think of bringing a child into the situation. After 13 years we got married, it has done nothing to change out relationship (for better or worse!) but the main reason was because we wanted to start TTC and rightly or wrongly you are in a better situation if you're married and have a child and it doesn't work out. All I'm saying is the people on here saying to marry first aren't doing so because they are judging your relationship any differently to anyone else's. It's the sensible thing to do for any relationship and if you are committed enough to each other to have a baby then signing a piece of paper to be married is nothing. Like people have also said why not do it in a registry office first then when you can have a bigger do then?

Tbh I’m always a bit when people say “I’m really mature for my age,” that statement alone says the opposite IMO.

I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with having a baby young, my parents were 23 when they had me, and if I’m honest, I think the fact that women are leaving it later and later to have babies means we’re soon going to end up with a grandparentless generation which I also think is sad.

I do think however that a 41 year old putting pressure on a 22 year old to start trying for a baby is a clear sign of a bit of a power imbalance. What is this man’s history? Has he been married before? Does he have children already? Because while those in isolation aren’t necessarily an issue, I would question the motives of a man who has never been married or has unsuccessful relationships behind him who then seeks out a serious relationship with someone half his age.

And when you’re his age he will be in his 60’s, you’ll be ready to live because the kids have left home but he’ll be ready to retire.

Don’t let someone twice your age take everything from you by making you have babies young and then being too old when the time comes for you to live your life.

I'm 39 and have just had my third. She's 5 months. As you're so young I'd advise to wait a bit until Covid is more out of the way.
My mat leave has been absolutely horrendous because of the restrictions and the toll on my MH huge.

No I wouldn't judge you at all for being a young mum (and I was 38 when I had my DD) However, I don't think it is a good idea to have children expecting family to help you. I think any help that comes your way should be considered a bonus but not be expected or be relied upon. Raising a child is hard work and I wouldn't expect short cuts. My family are very far away as well and even though my in-laws live quite close by they are elderly and there is no way we would burden them. I didn't have a child until I was sure I could raise the child myself without any help from family and with or without a partner (if it came to it). Good luck with whatever you decide x

I wouldn't judge you, but if I'm honest, I would pity you.

If you were my daughter, I would support you with whatever choices you decided to make, but I would feel so sad for you inside. You're still so young, there is so much else you could be doing in your twenties! However, it's your life so you have to do what feels right to you.

I don’t judge you, I have serious reservations about your partner on the other hand. Maybe your Mum and aunt are well-founded in their concerns. You’ve been moved to England - if the relationship doesn’t work out you may have huge trouble relocating home. Courts can and do prohibit you relocating with a child.

Think ‘worst-case scenario’ and put plans in place to protect yourself even if that means holding off ttc until you are in a better financial position be it through savings or marriage

Sorry I would judge- your partner.

How come some couples never get married, they dont want too, and they seem perfectly happy and able parents. I know it all seems shiny on the surface but not everyone is married before they have children I know plenty of people and they are thriving as a family.

We are not telling you to get married because of happiness or parenting or whatever, but because of the legal implications. It's the sensible thing to do. That other people fon't doesn't mean that they made the right choice. There are weekly threads on here by women who come into some kind of trouble and then discover that they have so little rights because of not being married. Don't become one of them.

If you want a child- fair enough, you're an adult- then you should also want to have an as stable possible life for them. Marriage is part of that.

Op you are missing the point here, people don't care at all about the age gap, (or that you are 22) we are all trying to show you how to protect yourself and your potential baby.

No one can be sure their relationship will always work for ever, once you bring a child into the mix, a degree of worst case planning becomes essential, hopefully you will never need it.

At 22 you have not yet faced many of the challenges life may throw at you, redundancy, illness, relationship beakdown, to mention a few.

An example, l was very independent in my 20s, had my own business, own flat etc. Was adamant l would never give up work if l had children......
When l had my daughter, both she and l nearly died, she had some long term health issues and there was no way l was putting her in the hands of anyone else, plus my health was not good, so l stayed home.

I was lucky, l was married, my husband and l agreed for me to stay home for a few years, we had between us 2 properties, substantial savings, and he had a good job.

Never have l been more grateful for all the sacrifice to accumulate the above in my 20s when l was fit and well, and energetic enough to work 60/70 hours a week.
It could have been so different.

If you are unable to see the collective wisdom here, you should not be having a child, take onboard the advice and marry before you have a baby.

What’s the rush? Why not wait a couple of years and then you can be in a really solid position. In 2 years you could; get married, get your house sorted, get your career established. You can’t have been working for long and you aren’t entitled to much before working for two years. If you were as mature as you say I think you’d realise this and I think your partner would too. What is the gain in having a baby right now?
Why do your parents dislike him so much - it sounds like they are pretty united in thinking he’s wrong for you? Were they good parents before you met him? How old were you when you got together? You say you are mature but there is a great deal of maturity that comes with experience- don’t dismiss the opinions of those older than you - we’ve seen your situation before! Nobody ever thinks they aren’t mature - but many of us look back and realise how naive we were in our early 20s.
Personally I’d very wary of a 40 year old encouraging a 22 year old to have a baby - it is so very obviously not in your best interest.

You sound much more settled and sensible than I was at that age, everyone is different and mature at different rates. I’ve waited until I’m a few months off 30 to get pregnant but that’s not to say it’s too early for you - i just wasn’t ready before. Maybe the last bit of growing up you need to do is letting go of your worries about what others will think - you clearly know your mind, trust yourself xx

Your age isn't an issue.
The age gap is and will become more so. ( Honestly have a good think about it I know quite a few who haved lived to regret that sort of age difference)
But protect yourself and get married first until you are married you can't say it's stable.

22 isn't young but you do sound young to be fair.
One if the joys of getting older is not giving a rat's ass about what anyone thinks , if I were you I'd try to adopt that approach now.
Definitely get married , you'd be mad not to . You can have a party for friends and family later.
This is the best piece of advice you can take from this thread .
Marriage then babies .

I have to say, your reaction worries me. Tbh, it’s never occurred to me to care much about what other people think about my relationship with DP. We’re happy, and that’s all that matters. You really really care, and I think you should stop and think about why that is. If you’ve been together for a long time, that means that he did start this relationship when you were very young. Again, that would concern me. Yes, it can work out. But there is no need to rush.

I say go for it and the age difference is a complete non-issue from my perspective. But people aren't just being dull and traditional when they say get married first. It's because it gives you a lot of legal protection and tax protection. Boring things like saving you both from a potential inheritance tax bill if the other one dies first and ensuring that if one of you is seriously ill the other is classed as next of kin and can be more involved in potentially life changing decisions.

Personally I'd nip down registry office, crack on and have a baby and then have a lovely big wedding in 2022 with your little boy or girl there as page boy or bridesmaid

You need to get married before having a baby. That is the sensible thing to do as it protects you and your child. No one cares about you having a baby at 22. If you have the baby whilst not being married in your situation people will think you are foolish that is all.

What do you mean you've been together a long time now?

You are 22. 4 years ago you were 18. 5 years ago you were still a child.

Either a man in his 30s preyed upon you while you were barely out of childhood because he couldn't find someone his own age, or you haven't ben together for a long time.

I bet your partner will b ethe sort of 'old fashioned' man who expects you to do everything

Financially does your employer offer paid maternity leave? Mine did but you had to have 2 years service before being eligible. Worth checking if you financially would need to be paid for your mat leave

By the time i was 22 i had a 3 year old and one on the way, you can't live your life worrying about what others think that way madness lies.

If you are 22 you are presumably only a year into your job. If you are on some kind of graduate scheme then personally I would give myself a bit more time to move up the ladder before getting pregnant. Your twenties are a time when you can move up really quickly in both seniority and salary and that is mainly because you are free to really focus on work. Once you have kids you can’t in the same way as someone has to pick them up from nursery every single day.

Also - as everyone says - get married first. Both for the legal protection but also because you are worried about judgement. Once married the judgement will reduce massively.

You said you are buying a house in the new year - also get that sorted before you get pregnant. Moving when pregnant is not fun. And moving house tend to get delayed and delayed - a couple in my NCT class ended up moving with a newborn even though the started the “moving process” pretty much the day they got their blue line.

Wait....22 is so young, especially for a graduate, to have a child. What do your parents think of your relationship and why? You will change over the next few years, no matter how mature you think you are. I'm from NI too, lived abroad for all of my 20s & now I'm having my first child, it's wonderful to have that support nearby. I would imagine your mum isn't as worried about you having a child out of wedlock & appearances but more about your relationship & how you will cope in England, when you're off work & you won't have support. It's a massive age gap between you both, massive & that is worrying. Why is he pressuring you to have kids? Especially before marriage, that leaves you more vulnerable. Please please have a rethink. I know a lot of your chances to explore the world or a career or just make mistakes have been taken from you & others your age this year but I know most people a few years older than you look back at their early 20s as a time of personal discovery. With a baby you will be vulnerable. It might be more difficult to move back to NI in the future if you break with your partner & he has 50/50 custody. I'm guessing you're not fully established in your career yet either. Could you afford childcare on your salary alone? There's no way around it, having a baby does put a stall on your career for a while, will you miss a few important years of career development? What if a class position turns up in another country? Or another part of the country? You will be tied to this man for 18 years minimum. I'm going to make the assumption that if you grew up in NI, you grew up with lots of extended family around & all that security. This year anyway, your mum & your aunties wont be able to hop on a plane easily to help you out. If your baby is in England, it won't have the same relationship with NI family that you had growing up. Could you afford to pop across easily? Flights or the ferry with a baby? It's not easy. NI women in England having babies will be in different circumstances than you. You've probably seen them on the plane yourself. Older, established in their career, meaning it's easier to take a break. More money for the trip back to see the grandparents. A very supportive partner (probably husband). On a new graduate salary, will you manage this? Sorry, this is very pessimistic but if one of my family suggested doing this, I'd probably be harsher. Put yourself first.

Hi OP, I just wanted to echo the comments about marriage. It's great that you have a good stable job, but you just never know what is around the corner. Why not protect yourself? My baby was a very sickly non sleeper for over 2 years. With hospital stays, general illnesses and extreme lack of sleep I just had to take a step back from my job. This usually falls to the woman. I never expected that scenario to happen, but I'm just using my example of how things can change that you don't predict.

Protect yourself with a quick visit to the registry office and then have your baby if you want to. Good luck.

Oh dear OP, I'm afraid your immaturity is showing now. It isn't the job of "other mothers" to baby you and say "go for it, everything will work out exactly as you plan". Women supporting women means giving each other realistic and practical advice based on our different experiences, failures, and triumphs, not blindly and unconditionally cheerleading each other on into potentially harmful situations. If you don't realise that then I'm afraid you have some growing up to do. You asked for advice and you got it. It's the opinion of most of the women here that having a baby without the protection of marriage is a stupid thing to do. That's true on threads even where the woman in question is much older, you aren't getting special treatment here. If you want to put yourself in a vulnerable position with a man who has substantially more options than you financially should things go south then be my guest. But don't expect to get a round of applause for it from women with the life experience to know better.

Sorry but I think you are far too young. Especially in view of the huge age gap.