TTC 35+ Thread 4 Cougar and Silver Fox Club

@SnowWhite1985 so sorry to hear this. I hope you are ok!!
It is very selfish of him. I think there has to be some sort of middle ground. Of course he has to have an equal say in everything but it’s unfair of him to put this first and not consider your needs! My oh is massively focused on work just now and currently in process of getting chartered so he can get better job etc and I would never do anything other than encourage that but it is possible to do both. I don’t know if there’s any way you will work around this where he can focus on his job but not abandon ttc but I guess that’s for you guys to have a discussion about. Sending hugs your way, hope it all gets sorted out one way or another!! X

@SnowWhite1985 I really feel for you.

You absolutely deserve someone good for YOU and what you wish for will come true ❤️

We're all here to listen to you.

Hi @SnowWhite1985, I’m so sorry lovely that this is happening.

I know I’m a stranger on the internet and I don’t want to offend but I really agree with @CC81. You deserve so much better than this, it’s hurts now but I wonder if it’s better to know now than be tied to someone for life who clearly doesn’t place enough value on you as an equal partner and a life priority.

Still, I know it will be horrible for a while. Try to think about whether you’d actually want to parent with him. Even if he backtracked I’m sorry to say but it sounds like he wouldn’t be prioritising any children that came along.

I was dumped by my partner of 9 years two weeks before my 30th (got together at my 21st!) I was broken as I’d started thinking long term plans, but if I’m honest I always knew it wasn’t right with him, I just thought I’d gone too far.. 6 weeks later, I went on a couple of online dates to get used to being single... date number 2 became DH 3 years later. He’s definitely right for me!

You still have time and options, you’re amazing and you deserve to be Someone’s priority!

Sending hugs

Thanks @CC81 I don’t feel it’s too strong. I agree with you and it’s useful to hear it. He says I don’t understand his financial situation or why he needs to work hard and focus on his job because I don’t have money worries and have always had a good job etc. I find that a bit offensive as I came from a MUCH poorer family than he did. He said he doesn’t have a choice which is also a cop out as it’s absolutely a choice. He has been incredibly self absorbed recently but I put it down to perhaps being hidden anxieties about ttc and not feeling in control etc.i guess we’ll never know the results of his SA! He won’t have to go through the stress of handing over a pot of sperm after all....

I think it has been and still is incredibly hard for me to separate relationship issues with motherhood issues. I’ve made lots of allowances in the past couple of years because I so badly want to have a family. I was ready to leave him last year but he got incredibly emotional and convinced me he really did want to be a dad. Now it all feels like a massive lie and like I’ve been manipulated. Strangely I think I knew it deep down because none of this was actually a surprise to me. It’s just incredibly disappointing and more wasted years. On the plus side, I’m glad I had all the tests done because now I have an up to date picture of my fertility.

I will seriously look into freezing my eggs. I looked into it a few years ago when I was a better age for it but I wasn’t convinced by the research/success rates.

Thanks for the support. Feeling really crap xx

PS - Sorry if that comes across a bit strong. I feel it's utterly unacceptable behaviour for someone who should be your "other half" - treating you as less important than a job and other material issues. It's emotionally cruel.

@SnowWhite1985 - I'm really shocked and sad to read that you're going through this.

It's easy for me to say this, and it doesn't take account of your full history or situation (apologies)... BUT:

He sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed sht and you deserve a lot* better.

It's tough to separate the issues of relationship and motherhood, but it may be necessary for your future wellbeing.

If I was in your position, knowing what I know now, I think I would look into getting eggs frozen (I NEVER would have said that in the past, but recent research has made me think differently) - and then you have that option in the future, whether you decide to do it alone or with a better partner.

Then you can focus on your future and hopefully find someone who shares your priorities.

[NB - Don't worry about hijacking discussions - relationship issues are as big a part of conceiving as anything else, in my view.]

We’ve been together almost 6 years. I wanted to try for a baby for the last few years but he kept wanting to put it off til we were more ready. It has been a source of tension for a long time. Then, a year ago we almost ended our relationship because I said I needed to know once and for all if he’d ever be ready, and explained how important it was to me to have a family. At the time he really convinced me that he’d been delaying because he wanted so badly to be a good father and to ensure we were in the best position We could be etc and we started trying. So I went into ttc feeling really good. But throughout it all I’ve had the feeling that his heart wasn’t really in it. I put it down to hidden anxieties on his part about ttc but to be honest I don’t think he’s been thinking about that at all. Our conversation last night and this morning showed he’s totally focused on work and views this as holding him back. I have a much better job than him, which I think is also a source of tension. We have more than enough money collectively to have a baby but he doesn’t feel financially stable in himself. I also bought the house we live in which is another source of tension. It’s all quite contradictory as he constantly says he doesn’t subscribe to all these gender norms but when it comes down to it he has a massive complex about not being able to provide for the kid. I explained to him this morning that I really feel time is running out to have a family because of my age in particular to which he said (I think this was the most hurtful thing) that he’s not responsible for me putting career before relationships/family before we met and leaving it too late to have kids. I didn’t really do that, to be fair. I’ve never prioritised my career over family or relationships. I just got good qualifications and had a very successful career which I then chose to leave when I thought it might be interfering with my chances of having a nice family life. I’m not sure if this will be the end or if he’s going to backtrack (as he’s done before). But either way it’s not a great foundation for ttc. I don’t want to hijack this ttc board with all my relationship troubles! Thanks for listening though xx

How long you been together?

😢 sounds like it's best you found this out now rather than when already pregnant. Even if it doesn't feel like it now.

Massive hugs

Thanks @claireb707 @Elspethelf, yeah not doing great right now. I’ve spent the last year at least casting aside all my emotional needs entirely to one side to make sure he feels valued/a priority/doesn’t feel inadequate etc. And he’s just told me neither me nor having a family with me is his priority. I sort of suspected that he was reluctantly partaking in the ttcing. But decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m glad he’s finally been honest with me, but I’m terrified about starting over at 36 when all I’ve ever wanted is a big family. Feel like I’ve wasted a lot of years and I’m resentful of him stringing me along just to “keep me” so to speak.

@SnowWhite1985 I am sorry to hear this and am sending you love and good wishes. Whatever the outcome, I don't think you should feel that you can't be a mother. Plenty of people have happy healthy pregnancies years after 35. I have read your posts and see the hard work you have put in and I wish you the best

I think my partner and I just ended our relationship, so it seems I’m probably on the wrong discussion board now.
He said he doesn’t want kids right now as he has to focus on work and he can’t cope with the pressure of doing “both”. I asked him what “doing both” meant and he said his work and a relationship. He said he never wanted to ttc, but that he thought it was the only way we’d stay together because being “just us” would never be enough for me. He says he wants kids in the (distant) future but not now because the timing isn’t right. He says he can’t even focus on our relationship right now, never mind kids as he has to focus on his work. (Some guy he works with got a promotion which was what triggered all this). So here was me worrying about my FW this week, and now things are completely back to square one. I feel like he’s taken my last chance to be a mother away from me by stringing me along like this. Of course, he’s upset that my focus was on the kids/ttc thing rather than the prospect of losing him.

Hi lovelies, I hope you don't mind me joining.

I am 35 too and loosing all hopes 🙁 been trying for almost a year continuously(might have missed few months here and there). Finally started IUI journey with Clomid from yesterday(cd2).

My worry is my AMH is 6.8 which is just on the boundary and if IUI will work and also, what else should have NHS prescribed? I mean I read a lot about progesterone and all.

Lots of congratulations 🥳 to all BFP's.

Xx

Rang docs and am a lot happier now. Still don't know numbers for partners SA as she wouldn't give them to me but we have progress.
She has added a few more tests to his blood tests on the 11th, she is sending us some forms to fill in and once she has his blood results she will send off the referral asap.

They have everything they need from me, just his bloods and then we are referred.

I don't know however what is happening with me this cycle 😂
I got positive opk on sunday (both cheapie and cbd solid smiley). No ewcm and not temp rise.
Got another peak cheapie yesterday and this morning (darkest one yet this morning). Still no temp rise though but did have hint of ewcm this morning). So guessing no egg was released after first peak and it's trying again now.

@SnowWhite1985 - Sorry to hear you're having such a struggle with your other half. It's extremely unfair. It already feels like the odds are stacked against us, with so many factors having to align positively. The last thing any of us need is uncooperative partners!

The 'prioritising work' thing is particularly frustrating. I've known several people who treat their job with a weird kind of reverence and allow it to come above their family life. It's bizarre. Of course it's important to earn money and value a career, but not at the expense of the happiness of people you love!

Being (amateurishly) psychological about it, he could feel that he needs to prove himself in the work sphere if things aren't happening in the baby-making sphere, especially if he's worried it could be an issue on his side.

While I'm not generally a fan of generalising (!), it seems there's an all-too-common man issue with not sharing the mental load of the process.

To be fair to him, my husband is pretty modern about these things and does take it seriously... BUT I got upset with him a few weeks ago, when he clearly hadn't taken in various bits of info I'd shared with him. I pointed out that some of the time he spends looking at political gossip on Twitter could be spent doing a bit of fertility research, so that it'd be easier for us to discuss it; and perhaps make me feel less burdened. I also said a similar thing about the sperm pot and he got all offended!!! But shortly afterwards he booked an appointment. I think the penny dropped.

It's so hard not to feel stressed. I have what many would consider to be an ideal lifestyle, on paper... I work from home part-time (my husband and I run a business together) and have a nice house, I do lots of gardening, enjoy good food and drink, etc... but I'm slowly recognising that I've always been a stressed person and it gets in the way of a lot of things, including appreciation for what I have. It's a major habit to break, both physical and mental.

I hope the acupuncture and other treatments will help me, if I do them each week. I'm also drinking some special teas (from herbs) that the Chinese doctor gave me (I'm fighting off my cynical tendencies!). The latter are expensive, so I'm not sure how long to do it.

Thanks @Sleeeeeepy, yeah I honestly hesitated to even suggest he get SA because I thought even the thought of getting tested would impact his performance. I know I should be empathetic, but after getting multiple blood tests, smear test, ultrasound and possibly going for more invasive tests I have to admit I’m (inwardly) struggling to be empathetic about the stress of handing over a pot of sperm. I’m quite exhausted always being the strong one and having to support him emotionally through things that objectively aren’t as bad as what I have to go through. He also got upset at me tonight because I couldn’t tell him in advance exactly which day ovulation would be. I’m also losing patience with him saying he’s stressed out at work and has to prioritise that. I put in more hours at work than he does yet everything I do is suddenly irrelevant. I think you’re right it’s a manhood issue even though he claims not to subscribe to all that masculinity stuff! I’m just really frustrated that I’m supposed to be superhuman and cope with everything and support him. God help us if he does get the SA and it comes back bad - I fear we’ll never DTD again....
Sorry for the rant. I’m trying SO hard not to get in a big argument that results in us missing the entire FW. He’s been acting strange for a few days, especially when I got my results. I just feel like every chance is so precious and window is so small each cycle. The thing I find most difficult to cope with is missed opportunities and more wasted time. I’ve tried really hard to get past the resentment I feel about him making us wait to ttc years after I wanted to. I’d been feeling more relaxed and less stressed this cycle now my stress levels are through the roof - great..
Blokesnet lol you should totally trademark that 👍🤣

I’m so sorry @Sleeeeeepy. I don’t know about the short cycles. Mine are sometimes quite short too (like 24 days) but I think that’s because I tend to ovulate quite early, like day 10 or so, so perhaps a bit different to you when the luteal phase is maybe shorter. Sending hugs - it’s always horrible when AF comes 😭

As for me, we’ve missed the first two days of my fertile window. I actually want to cry and probably will. DP says he’s struggling to cope and is too exhausted with work. He’s massively gone into his shell and is barely talking to me or even looking at me so I think this entire FW will be a write-off. I’m so upset as I’ve really been putting his needs first throughout all this and making sure he doesn’t feel inadequate and that I don’t put pressure on or anything. I’ve had virtually no emotional support through all my tests. Now as soon as he’s knows it’s my FW he’s suddenly depressed. It almost feels like he’s disappointed my results came out fine. I think it’s fear that he’s the problem tbh - he’s procrastinated getting the SA for ages and now I have all my tests back so he thinks that’s ruled out that I have any issues (which it doesn’t necessarily). Now I don’t know if he will get the SA at all, he was supposed to phone the clinic but he hasn’t done it yet.
I just feel like it’s such a narrow window every month and it’s heartbreaking to miss it. Trying to do my best to support him but he’s just gone completely quiet.

@claireb707 I’m so sorry to hear this. But as @CC81 says, it’s only one test and at least you know what you’re dealing with now. Good that there’s some more tests organised too. Hugs xx

@CC81 yeah it’s interesting to know the results can fluctuate so much. Good luck with your AMH and AFC tests next week. I’m probably going to go for that too. I have one more home AMH test I ordered a while back which I’m going to send off in a day or two but think it’s worth booking a proper one as well! And I’d like to get the AFC too. Just to get the full picture. We’re going to put off DPs SA until the FW is past. Hopefully we don’t have to wait too long for results. We’re on CD8 atm so will probably be another couple of weeks at least before we know the results.

You’re so right about the one good egg thing though. And I’m sure it must be a good sign that you already have one child. Perhaps it just takes a bit longer for us! Everything has to align! I think I’m slowly becoming better at being more patient. I feel more relaxed this cycle, but strangely that’s meant that my DP is really on edge and super stressed. Perhaps because his tests are the missing link atm.

At least you’ll know the full picture once you get the AMH/AFC tests, scary as it is. Keeping everything crossed for you xx

Can't believe I've started with a COLD (first one this year!) on the same day as a positive OPK. Fun times

Hope it doesn't delay ovulation! That's happened previously due to stress (I think). Not actually feeling stressed today... just a bit ill. Bloody annoying!

Ah well, at least it doesn't appear to be CV19. That would probably get in the way of DTD for the next few nights...