TTC 35+ Thread 4 Cougar and Silver Fox Club

Seeing as I piped up now about snowwhite after being a lurker, I may as well introduce myself! Im 38 TTC #4. Massive age gap youngest is 12 in two weeks, oldest is 17 in a month. Just kind of seeing if it happens really. Obvs much much older now than I was last time!

@Smaddie020 welcome to the group. I don’t have any advice on IUI but I’m sure others in the group might be able to offer advice? Hope you get your BFP soon 😊

@SnowWhite1985 I don’t have any wisdom to add but so sorry you are going through this. Hope you are safe and can lean on friends and family for support because this will be really difficult for you. x

Haha love this. I'm 42. Trying for no.2. Mc is may now on my tww....wishing you all the best xx

@SnowWhite1985 I haven't read the other thread but blimey, you have literally ONLY smashed a glass! We have ALL done stuff in times of anger and your anger was thoroughly understandable. God knows I might well have thrown the glass at him!

I bet lots of us can say we've wasted too much time on the wrong man. But, it is true, the RIGHT one comes along and everything turns out good.

Everything happens for a reason. This is the start for you, not the end. 💜

@SnowWhite1985 for what it’s worth, I think people suggesting you’re not ready to be a mum is utter bo*cks! Mums are not perfect. I am one. I have many faults. So completely disregard that. Just focus on what you want to do next and make sure you have people around you xx

Your other thread has escalated in a way that isn't nice to read. A lot of people on there are dicks

Lots of love and I hope you come out of this stronger!

Do come back to update us on here but in your own time, don't feel pressured into it (or anything else) take time to process things but as others have said take whatever measures you need to protect yourself and your house.

Hi @SnowWhite1985, I’ve read the other thread, I think a couple of posters were very harsh on you but there was also a lot of support and validation for you so hold on to that!

As you said in the other thread, you own the house. He doesn’t! Might I suggest as he’s not there that you ‘Take steps’ to make sure he can’t just reappear. Even if this just gives you a temporary break.

Message him and say it’s over and give him a set time to collect his stuff from outside the door!

Just my tuppenceworth!

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate the support. I’m feeling physically ill today - I had a terrible interrupted sleep and have a migraine. I had one of those mornings when you wake up then suddenly remember everything that’s happened and it doesn’t quite feel real. I’ve read all the responses and I’m completely overwhelmed by the other thread to be honest. I’ve written down a lot of my feelings just to try and get things straight in my head. I went back home but my partner has gone I don’t know where. He hasn’t contacted me but he probably won’t for a few days at least, maybe longer. I think I made a lot of allowances for lack of emotional support from my partner because he’d finally “allowed” us to try for a baby and I was so excited for that prospect. I let that cancel out all the other obvious red flags of ways he wasn’t there for me. Then I probably got wrapped up in the testing etc as something to focus on (although I’m grateful I have all that info now). I thought I needed to put him first because he’d given me this gift of ttc, for the first time ever in my life. There was a lot of pent up hurt and emotion which came out last night. I was really distraught and upset whereas I’m usually very much in control and calm when it comes to conflict. I shouldn’t have thrown the glass but I think if anything it was a wake up call for me that things need to change. I’ve never done anything like that before so it made me realise just how unhappy I have become. I’ve become invisible in the relationship because I thought I had to set my emotional needs aside as I should be grateful he’d come round to ttc. It was a feeling of giving so much and compromising so much, but not getting much back, except a half hearted promise that was later retracted. I think it would probably be best for both of us if we ended things, as we both acknowledged there is no solution to this, as we want different things (although he thinks it’s normal to change your mind regularly about what you want, whereas what I want has stayed the same). I’m just going to take a bit of time (probably away from the internet) to focus on my mental and physical health and try to get back to feeling like myself again. A lot of people on the other thread have suggested I’m not fit/suitable/mentally stable to be a mother, because I smash glasses. I appreciate it’s not model behaviour but I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve been responsible in the life choices I have made to put myself in a good position to be a mother. I wanted to do that as a family with someone I love, but it doesn’t seem that this relationship is a good foundation. I think once I had already committed so many years to this relationship I just over compromised and made allowances because it seemed harder to start the entire process again. And my partner has many good qualities so I thought it was my job to see past and work through the other issues. But if that’s what I need to do - either on my own or with a new partner - I just need to do that. I’m taking some solace in the fact that I actually felt better last time we took a break. So hopefully I can get myself back on track quickly. I think I lost myself quite a bit, so just need to be kind to myself through recovery and hopefully find myself again. I expect my partner will backtrack as that’s usually the cycle - silence/withdrawal then some calm discussion then he’ll backtrack. But it was clear to me he doesn’t want this deep down. So I probably need to keep that top of mind. This post was longer than I intended but just wanted to say thanks for everything. This community has really helped me, especially in the past few weeks xx

@SnowWhite1985 - All these responses may be a bit overwhelming (especially the other thread!) - hope you're okay. xxx

@SnowWhite1985 I'm also a lurker and have read through this thread, I'm sorry to say but he's an arsehole. He's strung you along and is now turning it round as if it's your fault. A relationship is a partnership and you both need to have the same expectations, he new from the start you wanted children and should of never have let things get serious if he didn't. I've ended previous relationships once I've found out they definitely don't want children as even though I didn't want them just then what's the point in carrying on only to have to change their mind or leave later down the road.
Did you say it was your house? If so go home, tell him to pack his bags and leave and move on with your life. If he makes out it's your fault to friends you put them straight, tell them your story how he's strung you along for years. Your not abusive or violent in the slightest, he's lucky it wasn't his head you threw the glass at. Your 35 it's not the end of the world, women successfully have babies into their 40's these days, hell i'm 38 and only just ttc. It sounds like you have great support on this thread but I hope you've got a good friend to talk to and get drunk with xx

@SnowWhite1985 sorry I’ve never posted on this thread but I’m a lurker. Just wanted to say to you stay on this thread as it’s far more supportive for you thaN the other thread you‘ve started. They’re just out for giving their opinion but you need support. Hope you’re ok x

@SnowWhite1985 oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through this! 😔 I'm glad you got to a hotel safely last night. Please don't ever feel you're alone or hijacking this thread. You deserve so much more than this, and I can't send enough virtual love and hugs your way! Please let us know how you're getting on - you're fabulous and strong, and I know you'll move onwards to a much better life situation! 😘😘😘

This must be really hard for you to read after committing to him for 6 years, take things slowly and take time to get your head round it xx

@SnowWhite1985 - I'm with @claireb707 all the way... he IS being horribly manipulative gaslighter - and it sounds like that's been a pattern in recent years.

I know it's always more complicated than you can ever explain on a forum, but from your descriptions I genuinely think you'd be better off without him.

The children issue will always cause resentment and drive a wedge between you, one way or another. Him because he sounds like a big child himself (craving attention, wanting everything his own way, fantasising about a future for himself alone). You because you'll always feel like you're dragging him along, and having to bargain with him for what should be something that fills you both with joy.

Oh, and throwing a glass at a wall when you're alone is NOT a big deal, in my view. His manipulation and passive aggressiveness are far worse. If he mentions it again, I would simply ignore it and change the subject.

Generally: Move back home - do you have a spare room? If so, one of you sleep there initially. Then calmly set about the process of separating your lives. Did you say you own the house? Are you married? Either way, I think he should leave.

Then you can get on with your life. If anyone IRL asks: You broke up because he's a selfish sh*t who doesn't see you as a priority and doesn't picture a future with you.

Good luck and please do pop back to let us know how you're doing. xxx

Oh @SnowWhite1985 massive hugs, I hope you've managed some sleep, though suspect you haven't. Just read your other thread xx he is definitely being a manipulative gas lighting shit bag. Do not let him throw you out of your own home xx

@SnowWhite1985 I’m not sure there is a way back from all this but a night apart away from the arguing is definite a good thing.

Ttc is super stressful (as is having a baby I would guess) and it takes both sides being on the same page and if you’re not, there needs to be the possibility for conversation to discuss it. It’s not fair for one person to say no that’s it, any more than for the other to make the decision to go for it.

Ive been with my oh 3 1/2 years and I definitely Got to that point first. A combination of a few new arrivals in the family and the worry that, as I got older, I may run out of time def got me thinking about it. But when I first mentioned it, my oh said he wanted kids but not right now. He then got annoyed at me bringing it up a few times and I had to explain to him how I was feeling about it all which def helped. It took us about a year to both get to the stage of wanting to try but he’s now into it, mentioning stupid baby names and stuff. I guess I wouldn’t want to be doing this with him not on board.

As much as he says you’re making the choices not based on wanting to be with him but on the fact you want children, it’s a fair point from you. If you see a future with kids and he doesn’t, it’s never going to work. Saying he has plenty of time is selfish because as a couple together, you don’t have plenty of time. Even at 38, I’m worried I’ll struggle to conceive.

Hope today brings a calmer conversation and a resolution one way or the other

Thanks @FridaKFangirl, no of course I know you weren't judging me for throwing the glass. I personally feel horrible about it, and feel like it's cancelled everything else out. I posted on the relationships board - I guess it's cathartic just to post, it's not a problem anyone can solve. I've never been called an abuser or violent before so it's really hurt deep I guess. We didn't tell anyone we were ttc, so there would be a whole backstory for IRL support. I don't know that I have the energy for that right now. Sending you all hugs - don't know where I would have been without this thread in the past few weeks. I feel sad that I'm not part of the ttc group anymore, but I'll pop back! xxx

Take care lovely @SnowWhite1985. I’ll look out for your other thread just to see how you’re doing.

I wasn’t blaming you on the glass hope you know that. I think I’d have thrown plenty!

Sending you so much Love and strength. You’ll feel alright again even if it hurts now.

Hope you can also get some IRL support.

xx 💜

Thanks @FridaKFangirl @mouldygrapes, I'm ok. I agree I shouldn't have thrown the glass, I was just really upset because he just sprang this on me (after years of moving forward to ttc) then refused to talk. I'm also annoyed at myself though because it's given him a reason to blame me for everything. It's fairly simple if you break it down - he wants to be with me but only on his terms as you say. I'll start a new thread in relationships. This thread has been SO amazing for support in ttc, and that's what it's about. I'm not on that journey anymore and probably won't be for a long time. I really appreciate the support (THANK YOU!) but also don't want to hijack this amazing thread with my relationship troubles or drown out any newbies who have ttc issues. I've checked into a hotel not far from our house (which feels a little strange). Just going to try and sleep but I feel like I have a migraine coming on so who knows how successful that will be. I'll check into this thread every so often to see how everyone is doing. Hopefully lots more BFPs for you all soon xxx

@SnowWhite1985 oh my goodness, so very sorry my love. Take it step by step - it will be way too much to process right now, especially on the back of a horrible argument.
Please get to somewhere safe tonight and try to get a little rest if you can. I think it’s understandable if you don’t want to go home, but don’t stay in your car all night.
Please don’t feel you can’t post on here - we’re all here to support you - but agree with the post above, you may want to start one in Relationships as well. Sending love & strength

Oh @SnowWhite1985, I’m so sorry sweetheart.

Ok so it’s not ideal that you threw the glass at the wall but you were under extreme stress.

I’m no expert but to me, this sounds like he is gaslighting you. Trying to make you the one to blame so he can accuse you of being crazy and absolve himself as you said.

He only wants you on his terms if he can control how your lives play out. He didn’t even picture you in his future.

You can definitely still share here. I also suggest starting a thread in Relationships using your last post as the starting point as then you’ll get even more support.

Are you still in the lay-by? Can a friend come meet you? Could you stay with them?

I’m worried about you on your own dealing with this.

Thanks @FridaKFangirl - you're right and it's been a worry for me for a while that if he doesn't have time for me, how he will be with parenting. Although he said he was putting the hours in now so that he'd be better set up for when we had kids so he could be a full-on dad. But I guess actions speak louder than words. OMG it sounds horrible what happened to you with your partner before your 30th! Glad you met your DH so soon after!! To be completely honest when we almost ended things before (and when we've had major arguments) it seems to me like we just aren't compatible and things won't ever be right. I always sort of have a bit of a niggling doubt in the back of my mind, as it's been a real journey to even get him to consider having kids with me. I guess in my mind I'd always hoped for someone who would want to have kids with me so bad.

Thank you @selina37 - I really appreciate that. I feel terrible about turning this ttc thread into relationship angst!

Thank you @LT103! We had a big argument tonight, it ended really badly. I'll explain more below. He has said I'm the selfish one because I put having kids before him and the relationship. I have literally not complained about a thing for months because I've been trying to support him with his work etc (even though I have work too!) and didn't want him to feel bad about the fertility tests etc. I don't know if we're going to be able to work around this now to be honest. It's an issue that resurfaces every so often so I'm not sure it's going anywhere.He says he can't do both as he doesn't have the emotional capacity or the physical energy.

Thanks @Sleeeeeepy - yes I worry about this so much too (even before this argument). It seems hard to realistically imagine a scenario whereby I'm doing everything in the relationship pre-kids, but then suddenly he'll be super hands on post-kids. I would imagine being pregnant / having a baby would just amplify any existing problems rather than eliminate them.

@claireb707 - it felt very selfish to me but he says I'm the one being selfish and not prioritising the relationship. I'm glad to hear things worked out great for you after leaving your ex-husband.

So, update! We've spent the last several hours arguing. I started off really quite calm, but then I got incredibly upset because he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't say what he wants or how he feels or where we stand. So I just got more and more frustrated. He ended up not saying very much and I just got upset and talked about my feelings a lot. I did give him plenty of time to talk but then it was just incredibly long, awkward silences. What he did say was that he feels that this relationship was a means to an end for him and that I'm only with him because I want kids. I said isn't it normal to want a family with the person you love and who you're in a long-term committed relationship with? But he said it hurts him that he'll never be enough for me and that I prioritise having kids above our relationship. He said I've made it a condition on us being together. This stems from when we almost ended things a year ago. I said at that time if he didn't want kids I wanted him to tell me straight because I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice never having kids to be with him. And I would probably go and try and have kids on my own. We had a couple of months apart at that time, then he essentially begged me to get back together. He had spent some time with a mutual friend of ours who has a young daughter and he sent me all these messages saying he wanted kids with me so badly and that spending time with this woman and her daughter had made him realise how much he wants to be a dad. I have to admit at the time it felt a little manipulative as he basically did a 360 going from "I'm absolutely not ready to have kids right now" to "it's my dream to have kids and please don't take that away from me it's all I want and I want it with you". So we reconciled. I said to him tonight I felt this was misleading and I feel like he's been stringing me along when it wasn't really what he wanted. He says he meant it at the time but his feelings fluctuate from day to day. He said sometimes he feels fine with etc in theory and other times he doesn't and he said in practice it makes him feel physically sick because I'm ready for it and he's not. He wouldn't say when he'd be ready. I then asked him to describe his ideal life scenario over the next 5-10 years if there were no rush or fertility issues. He proceeded to describe where he would live, work etc and didn't even mention me or kids.

Anyway, we then took a bit of a time out as he said he didn't know how he felt and he needed time to think. I just got more and more upset with the silence and the lack of answers. So I went to the kitchen to do the dishes and ended up sobbing then I threw a glass at the wall. He was upstairs at the time so nowhere nearby. Long story short, he now says I'm an abusive and violent partner. He asked me to leave and said he couldn't even look at me right now. So I left. I'm not sure why I left as I don't actually have anywhere to go. I'm just sitting in a lay-by in my car crying and not sure whether to go back home or just book into a hotel for the night.

So I still have no answers. He doesn't know what he wants. He says he definitely wants to be with me but he'd rather it be "just us" for the foreseeable future. I suppose he's right to say that I've made our relationship conditional on us having kids. But I don't think it's fair for him to ask or expect me to give up ever having kids just because he doesn't want them right now. He also pointed said time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s (which I thought was a bit presumptuous given he hasn't taken the SA test yet!)

In summary this is all a big fat horrible mess. It was a horrible, distressing argument. I can't see how we could go from actively ttc a few days ago to this now. But at the same time I feel like I already knew all of this deep down and none of it was a surprise to me. I don't think I do want to be with him if he doesn't want kids with me. I've always thought of relationships as a (potential) family, rather than just being about two people. He seems to think I have to put him first before everything and not want for anything myself, or want or expect him to have kids with me. It all feels horrible because now he's acting like I was using him to have kids because that's all that's on my one track mind and it was some sort of plan of mine from the start to use him as a means to an end. And he's saying I'm abusive and violent so as to absolve himself from any responsibility or blame. It's all incredibly unsettling - I started to feel like I was responsible for this entire argument when in fact he caused it by completely changing his mind ab out ttc. I know we won't talk for a few days at least, possibly weeks, because that's the way he is. When anything is difficult emotionally he retreats and I'm left wondering where I stand for ages. But I think this is over. So I won't be ttc in the near future. It breaks my heart but I guess in the long run it's best not to be with the wrong person. It feels like more lost years though and like time really is running out for me now even more than it was before. I'm a bit of a mess.
Thank you for listening and I'm sorry for this ridiculously long post!

I've been with partner for 5 years (next week).

I didn't think I was going to be in the position I am in now 5 1/2 years ago when I walked out on my ex husband. He was very very anti kids and a completely selfish twat. Looking back now walking out was one of the best things I've ever done!

You will find someone who wants the same things as you!