Partner doesn't want children

It's crap when you see your life heading one way and his another.

I would have a serious heart to heart with him.

If you 100% want kids and he doesn't you are best leaving him sooner.

My friend got together with her dh and was with him 10 years before they married as she said 100% she would not have kids and he really wanted to be a dad. She didn't want to tie them down in case he wanted to go and be a dad- she was completely open about never wanting children. They married- soon after they split as he wanted kids. He thought marriage would make her think differently. It didn't.

Raising a child is hard when both parties are super excited and have always dreamed of having kids.

Doing it with an unwilling partner who has only done it after an ultimatum seems like a really, really bad idea.

@TorkTorkBam

Yes! This happened to me - I was in a long term relationship from my last year at university. My younger sister got pregnant during that time and it made me think seriously about children myself. I’d always assumed I’d have them one day, but when I actually thought about it I realised I didn’t want them. In fact I think I have tocophobia.

My partner did want children, and also our relationship had drifted into amicable but fundamentally boring and a bit of a mother-son dynamic.

We broke up, even though it was a massive wrench and heartbreaking for both of us. However we’re both now married to other people - he’s got two kids and I’m happily childfree with a fellow non-breeder.

We’re still very good friends and have holidays all together sometimes.

It could have been so easy for us to have muddled along in that first serious relationship though, had I not been so sure about not wanting children. I dread to think how unhappy we’d probably be now.

Coming at this from a slightly different angle, Dh and I always wanted children, that was the plan, except that I found out before we even started trying that I had endometriosis and was told at 28 that I was going to need IVF to conceive.

Don't assume your fertility. Just because other women get pregnant at 40+ doesn't mean you can wait necessarily. You could get tested now to see what your hormone levels are etc.

I was lucky and managed to conceive basically a miracle baby naturally. I had my first child at 29, but that was because we were pushed into making the decision. We planned the baby but assumed we would be trying for a year and then go down the IVF route as I was "on the right side of 30" said my gynae.

I did try to break up with him recently and he said let's wait at least a few more months
How many months and how far through are you?

Yes, the people who ended relationships in their twenties are all bloody glad they did because where they ended up was so much better, even though their situation as it was in their twenties wasn't awful at all.

It is like a rite of passage into real adulthood I think, the breaking up with someone when it's hard to do.

Maybe you need to give yourself a target date? So, you may decide that if by the time you hit 29, you will say to yourself that if he isn't willing to try for a baby you will leave.

No one can tell you what he will do, or if he will change his mind, or even if he will go along with it because he doesn't want to lose you.

All I can say is, parenting is fucking challenging. It is one of the toughest tests on a relationship. You both need to be 100% committed to it before planning for it. Anything less than that will be playing Russian roulette with your relationship.

Even the most willing men can still be shit dads. You don't want to start from a place of a dad who didn't really want to be one in the first place.

Leave now it will only get worse the longer you leave it. It's not fun trying to coerce a reluctant man to be a father and he'll probably make you do everything even if he agreed to try.

I left at age 29. You’re definitely in the gateway where for women the reality of time becomes all too clear.

I know a dozen women who left around 30/31 to find a man who would (some of their exes never did and some had a baby with someone new within a year).

I know at least 5 women who stayed and waited or begged or believed they’d made their peace with it. 3 of them the man left them around 40 for someone else and almost immediately had kids...

Either he wants them now for himself or can commit to a plan or you walk away. Xx

I know loads of people in this situation.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. He fucked off with a younger woman when she was about 40. Had 2 kids in quick succession with new woman. Too late for her. She is very bitter and unhappy.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. He fucked off with a younger woman when she was about 35. She had her baby on her own. Is now a happy single mum although would like to meet someone.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. They seem happy and live a pretty decent “childfree” life.

1. Stayed together. Didn’t have kids. Not convinced about the strength of the relationship to be honest.

1. Stayed together. Compromised on one baby. He was a crap dad but stuck around.

1. Stayed together. Had 2 kids. Got divorced. He is a crap dad.

1. Stayed together. Compromised on one baby. Baby is just 3 now. They seem happy. He’s a pretty good dad.

1. Split up. It was awful. Heartbreaking. She met someone else, had kids with him. He met someone else. Didn’t have kids with her. Everyone seems happy and they are all friendly although I suspect that there is a bit of “what could have been” for both of them with each other.

Try starting a thread along the lines of "if your partner didn't want children but you had them anyway how did it work out."

I expect you will get a flood of responses with varying outcomes. You can see which resonate most with your relationship.

Honestly I'd leave while you stil have loads of time.

I think now I am getting desperate and hoping that other men fell in love with their kids after their birth and he might too

But surely he needs to be a willing participant in their conception? I presume he is using condoms if he doesn't want children?

This is one situation where neither of you can compromise. If you want children and he doesn't then it's going to finish the relationship.

As another poster said please don't waste your fertile years trying to change his mind because it will not be a happy ending for you.

My Aunt tried for years to get my uncle to agree to having a baby (he already had two) but he wouldn't budge and she decided to stay with him anyway. . They had a 12 year age gap, she is now 64 and he died aged 68 8 years ago when she was 56 she is now on her own with no husband, no children and no grandchildren and she hates the decision she made to stay with him.

One of my friends spent 20 years with a man who didn't want kids, they broke up when she was 44 because he had an affair and then a year later the ow was pregnant. It's ruined her and she is devastated.

To add- I'm not saying you should 'box him into a corner' like PPs have said. I just think you need to really lay it on the table and say exactly how you feel. He may not realise

It was an ultimatum after several years of him delaying things. I told him I couldn't live without kids and I loved him but we would have to split up if he couldn't do that. I told him that wasn't a threat, simply the honest truth. He thought about it for a few days and agreed to have a baby.

The depression was definitely the shock of having a baby and all that goes with it! I was in shock too but was also very happy. He was very unhappy until DD was about 6 months old and started getting a bit easier, and more interactive! From talking to friends it seems quite a common issue for men- they hate the newborn stage. My DH is also quite selfish and likes to do what he wants when he wants, and puts himself first. It's taken a while for him to start to put DD first but he's much better than he was! I don't worry about the depression returning as things are so much better now. But that's just my story and your partner may be very different

Why would you think boxing a man into a corner is a good idea in order to have a child? He has told you he doesn't want them. You need to listen. If you want children, he is not the man for you.

Cut your losses.

Everyone I know who has been where you are has kicked themselves for not getting out quicker (or even at all).

Also, I have noticed that my friends/colleagues with the happiest marriages ended a relationship with a long term partner in their twenties, often for reasons as vague as:
"There was nothing wrong but it felt dull" or
"I realised he had no ambition" or
"We no longer wanted the same things in life, were both compromising to keep the other happy and neither were truly happy although there was nothing terrible about the relationship"

The worst marriages are often people who were together since uni or before and say things like in retrospect they should have broken up but there was no one single bad incident, they had joint assets, joint friends, entwined lives making it hard, they'd be seen as the bad guy for breaking up for "no reason" so they let inertia win out, and drifted along, kicking themselves years later.