Partner doesn't want children

He is saying he wants kids but not for a long time. So he is basically admitting his plan is to hang around until you are 40, then dump you and get with a late 20s women to have kids with.

He knows at that age he'd have absolutely no problem meeting a keen women.

Stay with him only if it's worth it to be with him for another ten years, then be single and childless at age 40 and see him with a young bride and a bunch of kids. He must have a diamond dick if that would be worth it!

What a horrible situation to be in.
I’m so sorry.
I do think that wanting kids/not wanting kids is a compromise neither should ever have to make.
I also echo what others have said re timing and why wait.
I honestly don’t see how 6 months or even a year is going to add anything good here. I think your partner clearly loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, hence why he comes up with the maybes and mights. He’s hoping you’ll eventually drop it. And I think by backing down from your ultimatum once he now feels confident that anything you say in the future re leaving him, will be a false threat.
I honestly think you should talk to him now, not after your 30th. Lay it on the table. He’s had long enough to know you want kids, it’s not going to be coming as a shock. It’s very simple, he will either have children with you, or he won’t. And if he agrees then none of this ‘yes but we’ll try in a year’ etc, because I guarantee that year comes and goes and he has another timeline and a mouth full of excuses to give you.
You need to state, very clearly, you want a baby, you want to start trying when you see fit, and if he doesn’t agree then it’s time to call it a day, as sad as it may be.
Lots and lots of women have babies well into their 30’s, and even 40’s, I myself am trying again at 37, BUT it’s very real and very true that your fertility tends to decline at a much faster rate once you’re in your 30’s. So hanging on for 6 months here, a few months there might not seem like a lot, but if having a baby is that important to you, you won’t let him or anyone else stall you for much longer.
Good luck xx

It's quite a heavy decision to attach onto what should be a great celebration of a birthday.

Maybe think about it sooner, with the aim that if you do separate, you are ready and raring to get out there and celebrate your thirtieth with a clear head.

Kids is a deal-breaker. You need to tell him it's start a family or end the relationship and maybe set a time limit ( end of lockdown) for a decision.

Yeah I’m on the side of making it clear to him what this means to you and your relationship with him. Don’t try to convince him, just state it in a matter of fact sort of way and then give him your deadline on how long you would like him to think about it before forming a reply (say a week, two weeks or such). If you keep playing to his “maybe later” then he could carry it on until the opportunity for you has all but passed by.

The resentment then would kill the relationship (if it made it that far).

FWIW I was the messiest person before I had my DC - never great at keeping a tidy home, keeping appointments properly organised (because they were for me) but having my DC lit a fire under my arse to provide the best I can for them. I’m no domestic goddess (not that I’d ever want to be) but I manage fine. I would take his off handed comments about your ‘career focus’ and not being ‘too great around the house’ as almost a suggestion that he feels you can’t do it? Or that he envisions you’d suddenly have to become a full time SAHM for it to work? Sorry if I’m reading too much into those comments but they got my back up

I don't know how far your birthday is, but why are you waiting until then? You need to decide whether you are happy to be with him with no kids (sounds like no) or if a baby is more important. You then need to be clear with him straight away that kids is a deal breaker and if he really doesn't want them then the relationship is over. Waiting a couple of months changes nothing, you are just putting off the inevitable and wasting time.

You’re not married either. Run it’s course op.

This was my first marriage. Exh kept putting off and putting off any plans to children. He agreed when I was 30 he would “maybe consider it”. Lo and behold I hit 30 and he had a major breakdown. He had an affair and told me the stress of the prospect of having children overwhelmed him. We split up with a short period of reconciliation but it never worked out. We just both wanted different things. I thought my world had ended. I’ve now been married 15 years to someone else and we have 4 amazing kids. My exh and I are still in contact and get on well. He’s never settled down and never had children. Recently he apologised for not being open and honest at the outset.

I know tens of women that split up in late twenties or early thirties myself and one sister included and loads of other friends they pretty much all met new partners and now married with kids

You really need to either leave him and have a child with a new partner, or resign yourself to childlessness. If you push your current partner into a child he doesn’t want, he will never let you forget it - you will be doing all the childcare and donkey work, while he sits back and says that was your choice, not his. If he stays around at all.
I think you should leave sooner rather than later. MN is full of sad threads from women in their 40’s, saying their partners kept fobbing them off with “maybe later” until it was too late for kids, then left them for a younger woman and had kids a year later.
Your partner either genuinely never wants kids but is too cowardly to tell you flat out, in case you walk, or he does want kids - but not with you.

It’s more likely you will meet someone else than need a sperm bank

You need to take control of your own life op. If you are not prepared to sacrifice having children for him (you may be) then leave fast.

I would rather go to a sperm bank

I don't personally have experience of this but friend of a friend did this at 40. She had been married and divorced before 30, never really clicked with anyone else. Decided she wanted to be a Mum without the problem of co-parenting, did sperm bank option, do not know if just sperm or IVF (I am not her friend and none of my business) and she had a baby. Very happy. I believe he is about 7 now.

My sister is married to a woman, they did the sperm bank thing so that both of them can be named on the birth certificate as parents. Underwent fertility testing for both of them, then just did sperm into womb. Success on second try. Obviously there are costs involved.

This happened to a friend of mine, she got to 30 after a 10year relationship & realised he didn't want a child so she walked away from the relationship.
She now has a lovely 5 year old and a great partner!
She got to a point where she knew they wanted different things and had the courage to walk away.

I find in strange that you'd spend 10 years together before seriously considering the question of children. Sure, you were pretty young when you got together (late teens / early 20s?) but surely you discuss it once you're a few years into the relationship. Perhaps children didn't seem important to you until now?

"honestly, if he hasn't decided in the last 10 years I don't know how half a year could help."

I agree with this tbh and I think you should cut your losses now, I'm afraid. Why wait until your 30th birthday? Why waste any more time? If it's going to be a painful breakup I'd rather get it over with now and be in a better place to celebrate my birthday, rather than spend the next 6 months dreading turning 30!

Have you actually explained to your partner that the value you place on wanting a child is so important to yourself you would leave if you can’t make it work as he doesn’t want children?

What was his response OP?

My DH didn't want children and it broke my heart. I was desperate to convince him and couldn't get my head around why he wouldn't (short sighted as obviously not everyone wants them).

After having many conversations which would descend into me crying, I asked him for his reasons (up until then he kept saying he just didn't want them). His reasons were worrying about money, worrying I would get ill & worrying he'd be a rubbish dad.

He eventually said he would but it wasn't the magical moment I'd imagined. I actually fell pregnant on the first time and he wasn't at all excited when I showed him the test. For the pregnancy, I felt like I couldn't talk about things and really kept a lot of information to myself.

Anyway, moving on I had an awful pregnancy and suffered with my mobility & chronic pain which has continued long after. I struggled with work (and have been made redundant twice now) so 2 boxes of my husbands worries have been ticked.

It's been an extremely testing time but we've stuck together. He's a fantastic dad and the bond is amazing to see. He's done a full 360 change and we are actually talking about another baby (first cycle of trying this month) and it's so strange but he's excited.

Ideally I'd have loved this excitement the first time but to be fair to him, a lot of his worries did come true (in a big style).

I think you need an open conversation where you make your thoughts clear (that you will need to leave). I know it's been 10 years but how much thought will he have given it? Women have biological urges that force them to confront this and when you want a child, the yearning becomes painful and you end up a bit blinkered. I should imagine many men don't experience this.

I would have left if I couldn't have had children but it would have been awful. There will be someone else for you but I think you need to have the conversation first - you never know what is holding him back.

So sorry op. I was in a similar situation but different in that he wanted a family too but had an awful temper and every few months would be horribly verbally abusive out of nowhere. I loved him in every other way but knew he could not be father to my kids. Dumped him I was 28. Met dh the following year who is the best man I have ever met we married the following year had dd1 at 32 and dd2 at 34. All amazing. Every day I am relieved at my choices. Ending that relationship was the best decision of my life.

I’d leave. My ex fiancé left me when I was 30 and he was 39 on the basis he “didn’t want another child” (he already had 1 who he left thousands of miles away which should’ve been a bloody big alarm bell/red flag for me but I was besotted).

He’d actually been shagging someone else for months. Think she was about 40.

I’m now married to a fantastic guy with a 21 month old and another on the way (I’m 41 now). Heard on grapevine a couple of years ago that they’d been trying for kids and it hadn’t happened.

So i know you don’t want to hear it but a lot of the time it’s not they don’t want kids, they just don’t want them with you. I know that’s a horrible thing to hear and please don’t think that’s any reflection on you, it’s not.

If w child is fundamentally important to you then leave. It’s like couples who don’t have a similar outlook on the big things in life - doomed.

The dating game is scary. And it took me until 36 and kissing a lot of frogs to find my husband, but I did and I now have (almost) 2 wonderful kids. Please don’t settle or compromise in kids for someone else.

Good luck x

I was with my ex from aged 24 to 31. We had a mortgage together and I had been very clear I wanted marriage and children. He was always reluctant but I stayed with him as I thought he would change his mind, he was great with his nephews etc. We had endless discussions and kept going around in circles. We ended it just before we both turned 31.

Best decision ever. I met my husband just over a year later and we have 2 children. Although no longer in touch I know my ex went on to get married but they have no children, clearly that was his choice.

I stayed with him partly out of fear and the uncertainty of getting back into the dating game. But that is no reason to stay with someone. Cut your losses and move on.

At 30 years old and After 10 years of being together he should know if he wants children, if he wants children with you.

If he can't give you a straight answer, no more maybe in a few years, then I would take that as he doesn't want children with me but doesn't want to straight up tell me.

Take your future in to your own hands. Stop waiting on him. He may never know and every month pandering to his indecision is another month eating into your fertile years.

I'm sure you are very different people now as to when you met in your teens and may have different goals. This relationship has probably just run its course, with nothing terrible going wrong, just not enough to keep going.

I wouldn't wait, sadly I think it's time for you to move on. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, it must be heart-breaking 😔 but it doesn't sound to me like he will change his mind.

Dealbreaker.
I'd would quit while i'm ahead.

Happened with 2 couples in our family. One broke up (after a 15 year relationship, met at uni, bought a house together, got to 33 and he 100% didn’t want kids) she left got with someone she worked with and had a child. They are still very happily married with a 17 year old. Oddly they are best friends with the ex and his new partner too, him and new partner didn’t have kids.

Another couple she really wanted children he didn’t. They have been together over 20 years, she’s now late 40s, he’s mid 50s. She stayed and they didn’t have kids. I don’t think she really got over it, if ever she has a few drinks at family gatherings she tends to get emotional over it all even now when the ships long sailed. She’d have been a great mother too. They do have a great life though.

I think the thing is you can’t make someone have kids if they don’t want them.