Partner doesn't want children

Thank you @Midshadow2022 I really appreciate. Good luck on your journey to conceive!

@Midshadow2022 probably the same amount of time as you. We'd been together 19 months when our first was born. I was early 20s at the time, and with age and more experience I look back and think it wasn't a sensible thing to do. Well, having a baby with someone who I barely knew. I love both my children and don't regret them at all obviously but I question if I've been unfair to them because they now have separated parents and should I have done things differently...

About 9 months now. Risky, I know, especially when I'm usually risk averse, but I've also spent 10 years with someone who now I realize I didn't know that well either.

My own parents got married shy of a year after being together, so I hope it will work out and I am prepared to work to make it last (fingers crossed!).

After how long did you have children with your (I assume?) ex?😬

And although we are trying to conceive, we have not been together for a very long time, and I don't want to bring up marriage yet - I would rather he takes his time to propose.

How long is not long, OP?

It's rarely an ideal way to start life with children! You can't know a person properly after such a short relationship. As I discovered to my own cost.

Oh my goodness, and here I thought I could relax for a bit :) Joking aside, I do appreciate your advice. I have not even considered those things!

I am the one doing better in my career, though... (I guess all that overtime my ex had complained about made it worthy!). I also don't intend to stop working (at least not altogether), and both sets of potential grandparents are very excited and willing to help look after a (possible) grandchild.

And although we are trying to conceive, we have not been together for a very long time, and I don't want to bring up marriage yet - I would rather he takes his time to propose.

I'm lucky that we both met after very similar circumstances, where his ex had children from another marriage and wanted no other children with him. So, we are both enthusiastic about being in a relationship now where our needs and hopes are the same (on top of everything else, of course).

I will happily listen to any other advice, though!

Good to hear the update OP.
Unless you are much richer than your DP, do get married asap!
Cost £57 for ceremony+ certificate+ 2 x£35 for giving notice.
See all the MN threads where a chap is lovely at first and then not so much, and meanwhile the poster has had 2 kids, put their career on hold indefinitely, and can do no more than apply for CMS while their prospects and pension stagnate because she is looking after HIS kids.
Meanwhile the exDP remarries and doesn't bother making a will, so even when he dies the kids lose out.

Hello

From what I remember, I was sending through enquiries for a 'Fertility MOT' consultation at the time. Due to covid delays and how pricey I found it, I couldn't go for that. But if you have the money, that's probably your best bet. If you Google it, there are loads of clinics offering them.

Luckily, I suppose, I had complained to my GP about various health issues/symptoms, and she had referred me anyway, and I got to check my ovaries and uterus this way. I think they were hoping the scan might reveal if I have endometriosis?

I also had some general blood tests for my health overall. I think they might have checked my thyroid levels, too (which could affect fertility).

I did afford a gyno consultation, and I think they had also looked at whether there were signs of polyps?

Anyway, sorry the above is vague, but I had to do separate tests and use different methods & referrals after (unfortunately) opting out of the Fertility MOT at a private clinic. It's hard to remember.

I hope it helps a bit!

PS: Also, re dating, my only advice is to take a bit of time for yourself to enjoy life again, and then (unfortunately) try and keep trying, as a good man rarely falls out of the sky. I had to go on many dates until I met my current partner. It can get easily demoralising but be persistent x

Hi op, do you mind sharing where/how you got the fertility tests and check up? Glad I rtft as I didn’t spot the 2020 date and was going to beg you to end it now. I had the same with a vague ex and he cheated on me with a younger woman 6 months ago and I’m starting again at 34 after over six years wasted with him.

Like you, I wish I’d left much earlier and not let him string me along.

I’m so glad it’s worked out for you - it gives me hope!

I remember reading this one at the time as it was similar to my situation- I'm so happy for you! Thank you for coming back to update

Friedbanana, I don’t know if you are still around these forums, but I’ve just posted an update. All is well :)

Oh, I forgot to say that I did end up taking another advice received here. I did undergo a check-up and some blood tests to check
my fertility for my peace of mind.

I created this post two years ago. I couldn’t remember my original account details, but I wanted to make another one and let everyone have an update.

First of all, a big thank you to everyone for the wake-up call. I ended up leaving my ex a couple of weeks before my birthday that year.

After the breakup, we remained friends, at his insistence. He kept asking for more time. He said he is sorting out his life, and he feels confident that will change his view on parenthood. There wasn’t much to ‘sort out’. He did get a pay rise, but he was in a good financial situation already. Our friendship ended abruptly when I came across his online dating profile. I had been honest about trying to date, but he had not and kept trying to string me along.

In the last two years, I’ve met someone else who very much wants a family. We are trying to have a baby now.

In hindsight, I should have left my ex years before I did. Not because he wasn’t sure about having children, but because now I can see more clearly signs of his manipulation and the dishonesty that came with it.

I’m still in the 30-35 years bracket, and I’m very grateful for that and feel optimistic about starting my own family.

If anyone else is reading this because they are in a similar situation, please remember you are probably too emotionally invested and subjective. This is perhaps one of the rare moments when a stranger’s input is quite important.

Ultimately, I realised I should love myself at least as much (if not more) than I love him, and I had to take care of my needs and wishes too. I am much happier now :)

I was with someone a decade and when I got to 32 I just needed a baby. He said he wanted children with me but want to travel. He then listed off a dozen exotic locations he wanted us to visit first. I would have been a broke 40-something by the time we got through the list so I ended the relationship.

I wish I ended it years earlier. I loved him but resentment had already started to set in. I’m 37 now and TTC with my wonderful partner. Wished we met earlier but at least we’ll have marvellous life together & with our future offspring :)

I think I could have written all your posts @midshadow, such a similar situation to mine. I hope you are doing ok! I hope you don’t mind me bringing up this thread but if you’re willing to share any updates that would be amazing!

Also - I do sadly have a couple of friends who have been in 'we don't want kids' relationships, only to reach the late 30s.. breakup because the man jumps ship to a younger woman and hey ho.. baby on the way. But not for one of my friends. The other decided to go it alone age 43(donated sperm) luckily she's v happy now but was heartbroken a few years back.
Anyway good luck to you op. Don't lose sight of what is important to you.

No point waiting any longer. Not even another day.
You're nearly 30 which isn't young enough to waste time. Leave, heal from the break up, hopefully then meet someone who does want the same things in life.
Best not to leave it any longer.

Based on your update, leave now. You are flogging a dead horse. He does not want children.

Having children with a man who has tantrums is always a mistake.

Having children usually amplifies your worst character traits because of the stresses. A selfish man will be a nightmare.

Even worse is a man who is your soulmate so long as he gets all your attention and you aren't particularly demanding, which you can sometimes choose to ignore before babies but once a baby is your focus, my goodness these ones become utter twats, often even descending into abusive behaviour.

2 wait and wait and maybe wait.... I know of a lady who was late 30s when she wanted to ttc but decided to wait.... She's now 46 and rather cruelly (imo) he finally agreed when she was early 40s with the caveat he'd never have fertility treatment. She's now perimenopausal and still childless, and desperately upset everytime af appears.
Of course, waiting could mean he changes his mind...

3 he goes along with your desire and is resentful. A friend did this and he followed with it due to the cultural pressures. She has 3 children, he has had more than that in affairs...
Of course he could go along with it and is happy ever after....

4 you leave and meet some, happy ever after...
You leave and never meet someone and then choose to accept or become a solo mother.... This latter option I know many who have happily become mothers by choice and do it alone....

Fwiw, I'm a lone mother and its the best route I could have ever taken.

He’s just stringing you along, the relationship has been outgrown, it’s fine. After you dump him you’ll need a period of time to set up your new life and get to know yourself as a single adult, then trying to meet someone and then know them for a few years before getting pregnant. You need to act now.

I’m childfree and life is bliss. Your boyfriend should be honest-is he childfree or one of those dreary men who pootle along, producing offspring and then whine about how shit their lives are for decades?
Either way, he doesn’t want a kid, which is fine and valid. He should get vasectomised and enjoy his life, you should start your new life if you want to Ben bringing a kid into this world.

Sorry, having read all your updates I would say leave.

I was with my first husband between 26-31. He did tell me he didn't want children before we married (like, a month before, having been unsure before that) and I should have cancelled the wedding. The stuff about 'you should love me whether I want children or not' is familiar. It shows he has never felt the urge for children at all - they are different things but linked - as soon as I was married and settled my longing for children became much more intense, I never had a day free of that longing. I wanted his child. This is normal. So are his feelings but they are equally normal and neither of you is weird. They're just incompatible feelings.

Leaving my xh was one of the hardest things I have ever done (raising my son was the hardest! But also the best). I was depressed for six months. It was emotionally and practically brutal. But it had to be done. I finally grew up a bit and understood what it meant to make my own choices and take the consequences.

It will hurt. It wont be easy. But I was lucky enough to meet DH and have my son. That wasnt the end of the story either, by a long way. But it was the right path.

*supposed to say odd accident

I have been with my partner since aged 16, we're now mid 20's. We've never actually had a conversation on children, like yourself we were busy with uni/finding our careers/getting a house and focusing on all our lovely pets haha. However, 6 years ago I had problems with the pill and doctor advised me I had to stop it. I tried 2 different methods but bled constantly as a reaction so made the decision to stop and partner use condoms, we had the one accident and then stopped after having a chat on that we'd be quite happy to have a baby. I never actually wanted children previously but then thought it would be nice, now I am desperate and rather baby obsessed! DP was less keen to begin with, but after a talk it was purely because he has no experience with babies/children at all so was scared of the unknown. Turns out we're still trying years later - unexplained infertility. Partner is upset, as am I, but believes due to our age there is still time and is happy to continue trying naturally in hope and have decided to go down the IVF route if possible when we are 30.

If unsuccessful I believe we will stay together. I am really hoping it happens, but I can't see myself leaving my partner of so long if say the problem was him not wanting them.

Based on your update I think you should leave him now. He doesn't want children and you do. And he's not approaching the conversation in an adult way; he sounds quite manipulative actually.

But love, he doesn't want kids. He isn't going to suddenly want them.

He might concede and have them to avoid losing you, but he doesn't and will not want them.

That's your answer, I really think you need to summon the courage to leave him. You know you want kids, you want them more than you want him.

I feel the same, a few years ago I ended a relatively long term relationship because he didn't want kids but would have them "if I really wanted to".

I still don't have kids yet (but am with someone who does want them) and even though my ex was lovely, I don't regret leaving him. Now we can both meet someone who wants the same thing as us.

As I said, parenthood is hard enough for couples who desperately want kids let alone those who have one person half hearted about it.

Be brave, do you want to be a mum more than you want to be his wife? If so, that's it.

I've been with two men like this. First - similar story to you, 5 year relationship, him umming and ahhing about marriage/kids, I decided to call it quits around age 30. I soon meet a lovely 40 year old man who is very keen to commit and have babies. We are happy together but he has admitted he did the exact same thing to his previous gf. Umm and ahh on marriage/kids, while deep down knowing they would break up and he would have a second opportunity, and not caring that she may not.

He threw a tantrum that if I love him I should love him unconditionally, not conditional on him having children

Yet he loves you on the condition you don't have them.