Penguin huddle 🐧🐧🐧 TTC after pregnancy loss - Thread 35 - time for some sticky BFP's

I'm so sorry @Katie1109 ❤️❤️ that limbo phase is really difficult. With my first missed miscarriage i started with brown spotting that got heavier, so it could be the start. It's an awful thing to go through, sending you lots of love xx

@msenglesias I'm glad you have found us here. I've really found it helpful to have this group, I've been here since last April and everyone has been so supportive through my other losses ❤️

@Mumlili9 thank you. It's really shit. I'm trying not to dwell on it. Really wish I didn't 'know' I've called the implantation clinic to see if we can at least have a consultation, even if they aren't doing the biopsies.
Hopefully you're gearing up to ovulate 🤞

@marmitecheesetoast thank you. I hope the GP can advise about the pessary. Hope you're not in too much discomfort.
I'm sorry today is tough, I find there are so many reminders of what should be 💙 sending you lots of love today

Thanks everyone, its good to be able to share here. I purposely didn't tell dh about the tests (he's very much a wait it out type person). He's given me a big hug and I had a few tears this morning 😢

@VenusStarr I’m so sorry, it’s just so crap and unfair. Sending love.

@msenglesias I’m so sorry you had such awful care, it’s so frustrating how dismissive some people are. You don’t need to be dealing with that on top of everything else.

Today should have been my first day of maternity leave so feeling a bit down about that today. Also still got raging thrush, don’t know whether or not I can do a second pessary, especially as I guess there is a chance I could be pregnant... does anyone know?! I might ring the GP

Good morning ladies x
2 weeks ago I had an early scan which showed 2 embryos but only one with heartbeat, we have immediately dealt with the fact that the smaller one is not likely to develop. Had a follow up scan on Saturday which showed only one embryo which had stopped developing so I was diagnosed by private clinic with missed miscarriage 😭 I feel so empty, angry and sad. I had a very early miscarriage in August last year, but this time I was supposed to be 10 weeks today 😭 and my little angels have gone 😭 EPU appointment on Wednesday to re-scan and consider my options, hoping it will start naturally, I started to spot brown last night 😔

@VenusStarr I'm so sorry this happened to you again x this is just so unfair.

I'm OK plodding along. Its cd9 for me and cbfm is saying high fertility so we'll give it a go tonight. I've no fertile cm or any other signs of ovulation. My opks are very negative. I'm just at this point praying I ovulate and hopefully it'll be on the right side then we will have at least a shot this cycle.

@Mumlili9 @Venusstarr

Thankyou so much for your lovely words! It feels so comforting to have your support. I really appreciate you all taking the time to acknowledge me

Sending lots of hugs and good wishes to you all ❤️

❤️ @marmitecheesetoast it's hard when time feels like it's going so quickly. Sorry you have thrush, I hope it clears quickly

Welcome @msenglesias I'm sorry for your loss. I agree, there is a distinct lack of care and empathy when going through this.

Hope you're OK @Mumlili9 ❤️ been thinking about you

I've started spotting this morning, frer has a very faint line, a cheapie test is positive. I wish I hadn't tested to be honest. Its different from my last chemical - I had clear positives and was 5 days late and was still showing positive when I started bleeding. This one I'm expecting af today anyway. I just want it to come now. I've got no more tests and I won't buy any for my next cycle.

Hope everyone is doing OK xx

@msenglesias I'm so sorry this happened to you. We all understand how you are feeling. I hope you feel this is a safe place and that your never alone here. I too experienced this kind of treatment. It hurts when it's the people you should be able to turn to and get answers and understanding that let you down the worst.

Hi guys ! new here - glad to have read through some of the comments and found such comfort in your words.

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks 5 months ago. I found the experience to be incredibly lonely and traumatic.

I felt like nearly all of the medical professionals I dealt with saw it as such an common occurrence ( obviously as it is) however that shouldn't have taken away from my individual experience and memory of that.

As it was early on I hadn't allowed myself to get excited yet as I knew it was a possibility. I was two weeks from my first scan, and had lower back pain. I stood up and felt a gush and knew immediately something was wrong, multiple A&E visits later and conflicting information from one doctors to another "You are probably just worried and this is normal " to " Realistically in your mind what do you think is happening" I just felt so let down and hurt by the lack of direction for women in this situation. Even when I had visited my doctor for the first time after bleeding to the point of fainting she failed to perform a set of vital signs on me. When I requested to see a specialist or to perhaps have an internal ultrasound to ensure everything was okay and had passed naturally she laughed .. LAUGHED and said no they wont see you until you have had three miscarriages. I understand that is protocol its felt very insensitive.

Only when I went to the early pregnancy clinic under the help of a midwife friend did I ever feel like I was cared about and reassured.

We are hoping to try again when things are more settled re COVID 19 however I dread to think of how I would be able to cope if this were to happen again.

Also I’ve had raging thrush for the last two days which is driving me mad

(Of course I googled whether it could be an early pregnancy symptom, despite knowing it’s too early for symptoms at this stage 😳)

Ah @VenusStarr sounds like you’re managing to be very positive. I really hope it’s not another CP, 13dpo is still on the early side? Was the Asda test less sensitive? I have a friend who didn’t get a clear BFP until several days after her missed period and now has a little girl. But I understand you’re not wanting to get your hopes up. Have everything crossed for you.

I think I’m at 6dpo and starting to get a bit crazy. It’s just so weird and shit and sad to be doing this when I gave birth 9 weeks ago and I’m fast approaching his due date.

Hope everyone else is doing ok

Morning all. Hope everyone is OK.
I think this is another chemical - I'm not telling dh. I tested again with a tesco test and got a good clear positive but an asda test yesterday afternoon was negative. I have done a cheapy today and it's positive but faint. I'm 13dpo today. If I haven't come on by tomorrow I'll do my last frer and then just wait for af. My af is due today as I usually come on at 13dpo.
Strangely feeling OK - I'm kind of reassured that we timed it right. We'll keep going and try again with smep next month.
Going to try and take my mind off it now.
Have a good day xx ❤️

Ah @Mumlili9 that’s tough. I think any feelings of jealousy or negativity are totally normal and just part and parcel of what we have all been through. I’m jealous of her just reading your post and I don’t even know her!

Finally got a date through for DS post mortem this afternoon, it’s 15th June which isn’t too bad, only just over a week to wait. It just feels so hard knowing there is a 12 page document sitting there with information about him and what happened but I don’t know what it says right now. It all feels very surreal and sad and sh*tty.

Gratitude thread is such a good idea @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow I might try and join you!

Hope that Tesco test was right! @VenusStarr

@Mumlili9 That’s crazy and so many kids! I think it’s normal and ok that you feel this way as that is so unfair. It’s a bit weird that we spend our lives trying not to get pregnant, well not in your friend's case lol but the reality is that it’s just not as simple as how they make it sound in school!

@SomeBunnyovertheRainbow I spotted for 3 days, bled properly for 2-3, then spotted for another 3 days. It’s my first AF since the MMC, but still relatively normal for me albeit maybe a day longer. So my period mainly consists of spotting I guess? lol...the spotting is so minor that it could easily be missed if I weren’t checking properly. Now I’ll have to see if my next AF arrives on time as my cycle is regulating and I highly doubt I’ll get pregnant straightaway. No idea if I even ovulated.

It must be confusing for you as you got pregnant somewhat quickly twice before. The logical explanation would be due to age now I think, but that’s not a bad thing in comparison to other possible issues! Hopefully it’ll just be a matter of time. It’s completely understandable that you would still feel angry about your situation; who wouldn’t be after something so cruel and the fact that there was nothing genetically wrong? Imagine, people even get upset about 1 early MC which is common. That gratitude thread is a good idea!

It's really really unfair @Mumlili9 ❤️ please don't feel bad for feeling angry and all the other emotions you must be feeling - they are all valid. I'm trying to not be upset or judge myself when I have bad feelings, they are real and it's all part and parcel of what I've been through (as much as I wished I hadn't had to go through it). It's really hard when we feel we have to pull ourselves together or put on a brave face - all that does is put others needs above our own and can make us more isolated. I'm glad that you can share with us here. We all understand 💕 sending you lots of love xx

@SomeBunnyovertheRainbow thank you for the link, it's a really nice idea to have a focus outside of ttc and loss ❤️

@SomeBunnyovertheRainbow tbh not really hun. Last night my bf had a beautiful baby boy. I really want to be happy and over the moon for her but I'm just so angry. She smokes, drinks, has the worst diet I've ever seen, she never take supplements even when pregnant, she already had 7 other kids all by different dads and to top it off she's older than me. I feel bad for feel to angry about it all. It's just so bloody unfair, I'm doing everything I possibly can to be as healthy as I possibly can be, avoiding anything remotely bad. She just dtd once on a one night stand and bam healthy perfect baby every time, she's never had a loss either. I know I sound bitchy and I'm sure karma will make me pay but today I'm so angry

Could you link to the gratitude thread you started @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow, I think that sounds lovely ☺️ hope you're OK xx

@marmitecheesetoast 💙

Hope everyone else is OK today, I'm glad it's Friday. We had planned to have my sister and her family round for a bbq but the weather has turned here, had to put the heating on last night! So probably postponing which is a shame.

Thank you @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow for you kind words. I know rationally everything you say is right, it’s just hard to think reasonably in the aftermath of this I guess, as I’m sure you know. No we’ve had no reason at all so far, perfect textbook pregnancy throughout , perfect scans, then just a day of reduced movement to find out his heart had stopped. Hopefully as you say the PM may give some answers but I’m trying to prepare for the fact it could be inconclusive as I know so many are. It’s all just a waiting game at the moment. Coupled with the weirdness of lockdown it all feels very much in limbo. Did you have a PM for your DD, if you don’t mind me asking? You don’t have to answer of course.
I really am sorry that you’ve had such a rough ride, it’s so unfair how cruel life can be sometimes and I can imagine it’s really difficult seeing other mums who’ve gone on to have their rainbows and you’re still waiting. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, if it helps to step away for a while then you should do that. As @VenusStarr says you can always dip in and out.
Finding something positive each day sounds really good and positive in itself. I was thinking of starting some sort of daily journal where I wrote something down each day that felt good/I enjoyed.

@VenusStarr a line does sound promising although I understand you’re trying to not get your hopes up. Everything crossed for you.

I think focusing on your mental health is a positive step @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow, that's partly why I wanted to try the coaching. Just having a chat with her about what's been happening and the anxiety I've been experiencing and she framed it as grief and it made so much sense to me.
I also think taking a step back from here can be really beneficial - I like that I can dip in and out. You'll always be welcome here ❤️ do what's right for you

@marmitecheesetoast I'm sorry you've been feeling low, I find the waves of grief can be overwhelming at times, sending you a big hug 💙 I hope you hear from the bereavement midwife soon x

Glutton for punishment that I am, I did another test this afternoon - a tesco one and a faint line came up but I don't believe it as one: it's a blue dye, two: frer was negative this morning, and three: it's still too early. Have resolved to try and hold off until Sunday when I'll be 13dpo. Its the day I usually come on, but since my chemical I've gone up to 15dpo a couple of times 🤷‍♀️ just like wasting my money 🙄

Hi all, sorry I fell off the thread for the last few days. I’ve been feeling really low and struggling with the heaviness of the grief, it’s just exhausting. I know it’s really early days still since DS died but I’m just so anxious that I will never get pregnancy again/it will end in loss. I’ve also read that you’re at increased risk of a stillbirth again once it happened once so getting a bit worked up about that

Still waiting for an appt to discuss the post mortem results. Will chase bereavement Mw tomorrow.

Sorry others are feeling low too, it’s just crap isn’t it.

Sorry about the bfn @VenusStarr although as @Mumlili9 says, I had cramps in early pregnancy pre BFP so 🤞🏻

I’m feeling the same @SomeBunnyovertheRainbow I know I’m getting really worked up about ttc and feel all consumed by it, coupled with the grief of what has happened. It’s so hard to be a bit more ‘zen’ about it all though!

CD 33 here, and I think I might have finally ovulated on CD 30