Partner not ready to try for a baby

I've seen this play out soooo many times. User8563029648123578 is right. He doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want kids with you. And no, you are not 'so young' or 'too young' and have plenty of time. I first wanted kids at around age 26 (again, I was married), he did the after we buy a house, after we go here, there, after we pay off this. I was 30 by the time we divorced. I was 32 by the time I had my first with now DH. I've had have hung around till I was 30, I might not have had time to have more than 1 child (I started to have miscarriages between DD2 and DS, who was born when I was 37).

He's not at all confusing, he's stringing you along. It's fine to not be ready, it's not to keep someone hanging when you know they're not on the same page. When you love someone, you respect them, you let them go when you realise you're incompatible in a way where there's no compromise. That's what mature adults who love another person do. My ex finally admitted he didn't know when he would be 'ready' but it might be never. That was it.

Sorry, but I'd start looking at leaving. Yes, I wanted to have kids with my ex in particular very much, but no man is worth giving up trying for a family if that's what you really want.

These things always go the same way: either you split up or you give up your chance to have a child for a string along man, who almost invariably has a change of heart when he's in his 40s and decides the relationship has run its course, then goes off and finds a younger model, marries her and becomes Mr Family Man.

Oops didn’t finish...

I was going to say I had dc at 25 and 35 and there was no comparison to which pregnancy was easier both physically and medically. Also I found at 25 I had much more energy to give to a toddler.

My DF started trying to conceive in her late 20s she was in her mid 30s before she managed to have a DC.

It is all well and good putting off trying too conceive but, sometimes you really don’t have time on your side.

I would find it increasingly hard too op. I completely agree that a baby should be something that is agreed upon by both parties, but in this situation how is he being respectful to what you want (and I use the term lightly as sometimes the desire to have a child can be so overwhelming)?
I had DC at 25 and DC at 35

You need to put a timescale in your head for how long you're prepared to wait. There has to be an end point to this otherwise in the next 10+ years your fertility will have started to slow and yet he could go off and have multiple kids with whoever he wants.

I agree with PP. it feels very much like he is stringing you along.
I’d go to counselling so you can talk it out with someone with no vested interest
You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Don’t wait any longer to come to that conclusion. If it is a dealbreaker you need time to end the relationship, mourn it and move on

And as to it being confusing - listen to his actions and not his words.

He doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want to have kids with you

He wants to keep his options open in case he changes his mind. His comments to you and others are designed to do this. He’s stringing you along so you don’t leave him.

You are willing to hang around and hope he does change his mind.

Your situation moght be frustrating for you but it’s not confusing at all. It’s very clear.

If I were you I’d focus on developing my career and earning more. So that you have the option to leave him and have a baby alone if he never changes his mind.

Or to financially support your child if you split up. Because the odds on your relationship going the distance are quite small IMO. and you will be entitled to nothing as you are not married.

Will you stay with him even if he doesn't want kids/it doesn't happen, or is it a dealbreaker ?

If it is a dealbreaker I'd give him a specific timeframe (we need to start trying within a year or I'm moving on).

Yes the OP is young but she wants to be a younger mum, and fınding a new partner could take years, fertility issues notwithstanding. I wouldn't wait too long.

It'd be one thing if he'd been honest from the start ("I think I want kids but I'm not sure when"), but the way he's been stringing the OP along is unacceptable.

Take the timeline in your own hands OP, you can't trust him to do it.

My partner was the same last year and I should have left him instead of wasting time. It was only till our daughter played with his nephew, that he realised she needs a sibling so we started trying this year. I honestly look back and hate the fact that he made me wait to have another child. I didn't force him to have a child. But we did what HE wanted.

I agree with the other who say you should talk it out and ask him to be honest. He can't keep saying not now when you've agreed after so and so.

TBH I wish I tried earlier (to have kids) we've just had a miscarriage and it took a bit of time conceiving our daughter. Unfortunately pregnancy doesn't happen when you want it. It could take a month or a year or two or even more.

To be completely honest I would try and set a definite time frame and then stick to it or leave.
You do have time but you dont have all the time in the world, and it could be upsetting if you wait a long time and he still decides he isn't ready.

Personally I wanted to have kids before I was 30, so we started trying at 27. People dont realise that unfortunately it can take longer than you think. My son was born when I was 29.

I feel for you as my OH was a bit like yours. First he wanted us to get on the property ladder, then we had to wait until we were married, then it was about where his next army posting would be and then after that he decided to leave the army but then I had to wait for him to settle into a new career. At that point he'd run out of excuses but still didn't feel ready and I was 31. So I told him I'm coming off the pill, if you want to prevent a pregnancy it is now on you. If you don't come round to wanting kids within the next year I am going to have to leave you cause I can't trust that you won't keep this going indefinitely. Like a poster above said, I was worried we'd divorce over this down the line only for him to marry someone else and have kids with them but having left it too late for me to do the same. Funny thing is, is that when I came off the pill he was happy for me to ,and then was completely onboard the TTC train - I think he just needed a push/someone else to make the decision for him.

Maybe give yourself a timeline for how long you're willing to wait and communicate that timeline to him? It's not fair on either of you to wait in limbo and a decision will have to be made eventually on having them or whether you're willing to stay if he keeps messing you about.

I know people say you're young but I met my OH at 21 and it took him 10 years to come round to the idea of having kids - would you even be willing to wait until 31/32?

What Aqua and Delphinium said.

Not a good idea to compromise your career and become financially dependent on a man if you're not married. If he does not want to get married, you'll know that he doesn't see your future in quite the same way you do.

You are very young. Don't pin your life's happiness on a man who may have other priorities.

This is a really difficult one I think, but one I can relate to.
Neither DP or myself were in a rush for a family. We always said it would be nice, but never set a time frame as such.
We bought a house, got married and have travelled alot. We're in a good financial position.
But its never been 'the right time'.
I was always conscience of the fact I'm not getting younger and would bring up the conversation of children and it would always be 'after our holiday', 'when we have done x,y and z' but it never happened.
He never seemed interested and when I would ask if he wants a family he would say 'I think so'. It never filled me with confidence.

I'm now 36 and it still hasnt happened. We spoke a while ago when I was still mid 35 and I put my cards on the table. Another friend was pregnant and I hit the point that we need to get on with it or it may never happen.
We spoke, we discussed why it had been put off, I explained my worries. He talked a bit, hes not a big talker, but he said he does want a family but is worried that he wouldnt be a good dad!
That was the turning point I think and after discussions about how neither of us have a clue where to start with a baby, but how we would learn, weve started trying properly.

Just talk. It's the best you can do.
But you're also still young and have your whole life ahead of you 😊

Are you married?
Might be an idea to do that first if you plan to have children and be reliant on his income for any length of time.

I would be getting married before having children. Aside from that, you're only 25. Take advantage of this time to build up your finances and career.

If you've been paying National insurance you will be entitled to Statutory maternity allowance. It's not as much as SMP for the first period but it's better than nothing!

I would also say there's no rush but I would keep conversations open about maybe why your OH feels that way....

You can't compromise. The person who doesn't want a baby controls the situation. All you can do is decide if you stay in the relationship or not.

Is he sure that he definitely wants children or is there a chance that he's not admitting that he doesn't want children?

I always knew I wanted to wait until my 30s before starting to have children... but I was always honest with my DH about this.
I think you need to agree on a definite time frame and say if this time comes and he stills says he wants to wait again be prepared to leave .. maybe he's like me and feels like his 20s are for him but he needs to make a decision as it's not fair to keep changing goal posts

I think this is hard.

I'm a woman and I didn't know when I wanted children until I was ready to have them. I really don't think that I could have been able to predict it ahead of time, had my husband asked me to put a date on when I would be ready by I too might have said next year, or after the holiday or whatever, but when that time came what should I have done if I still wasn't ready?

I was in this situation, although I was a little older and married. Did the talks, counselling, waiting. We divorced when I was 30. He never changed his mind. You need to nail this down and not accept any more delays. This guy will keep you spinning. In my case, he never went on to have any kids, but all too often when this happened to friends of mine, the couple ended up splitting up, often when the woman is too old to have children, then he meets a younger woman and quickly marries her and has kids and become Mr Family Man.

I'd tell him we're going to counselling to work on this and you're going to have to walk the walk.

Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him or any other unmarried partner if you do have children.

Sorry, but I disagree with the waiting round, it can take years to extract yourself from a long relationship like this and move on.

I d be asking about a specific time frame, many people with say age is on your side which it could be but if you had a fertility issue that you didn't know about and kept holding off for years, do you think you could cope with that knowing that he had asked to wait that long?

I was in this situation. DH and I almost split up over it because unlike you I was in my 30s and he just wouldn't make up his mind about if and when we could start a family. In the end, because of my age, I had to issue an ultimatum. I said if you do want a family with me we have to start trying within a year. I also said if you don't want a family with me it's hard to imagine our future together. He actually went away for a month (we weren't married at this point) to think about it all. He came to the conclusion he did want a family with me and he had our first when I was 35. We now have 2 and he's a great dad and family man. Your situation is different and slightly less stressful because you're much younger than I was and have time. You could give him 2 years or something to enjoy being young without the responsibility and exhaustion that family life brings. You need to work out if he really does want children or if he's delaying it because he's not keen. Some men are good at avoiding sensitive issues.

If you were 35 I'd understand the hurry, but given that you're only 25 and he says he's not ready, I think you have to respect that.

Do you have any plans to get married?