Starting TTC again after missed miscarriage

Regarding aftercare I had a follow up phone call to see how I was and if I think I passed everything and then told to take a test the week after too see if it was negative.

@smilingdonkey hope the pain eases for you soon. No symptoms for me but I'm guessing it's still early days? Maybe about 3/4 weeks.

No follow up for me after my miscarriage. They didn't even cancel my midwife appointment, which they said they would, and I had to do it myself. I also got a call from a midwife on the day I found out to book an appointment for fragmin injections, she was very apologetic.
I have heard of bereavement midwives, because I had a friend who had to have a tfmr, and another who had a stillbirth. I didn't realise they dealt with miscarriage too.

There was no debrief for me after any of my MCs. No phone call, no follow up scan, no question "How are you?" or "Do you need more info re MH care?". Nobody ever asked how I was. They gave me a Miscarriage Associate leaflet and off you go, thank you, next.

Theoretically, they are supposed to have a bereavement midwife and they're supposed to be telling us about it. I'm yet to see one in my life and I only found out they exist after the event, through Google.

I think it's a massive missed opportunity, the MH follow ups would have been incredibly helpful with dealing with the loss and also preparing for future pregnancies.

False economy too, it only leads to MH services being overwhelmed, we struggle to get help on the NHS in that regard and no one is happy. Simple solutions would have been so helpful, but this ill-thought out system has not changed for years.

@Poppy10121 sorry you're so low, some good advice above, I can just offer big hugs and we're all here when you need us.

@SkyBlue20 the main annoying thing about the tww is all the blooming symptoms that may be pregnancy may also be af! So frustrating. I spoke to my husband last night about wanting to get on with it in case it takes longer to conceive this time, and he's totally convinced we'll just get pregnant next month. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

We've had a dull weekend. Husband is ill, so not much use. I've mostly been doing housework and a bit of crochet, which I find therapeutic. I did my last run of week 3 on couch to 5k this morning, so pleased I survived.

@Poppy10121 I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so low, I’m sending lots of love and you know we’re here to chat whenever you feel you need to 💕

Afternoon all! Have had some cramps today that have made me think AF is on her way, fingers crossed she isn’t! 🤞🏼😬 Ovia told me to do a test today but that’s based on a 28 day cycle which I don’t think I have so going to wait a few more days. Husband keeps saying he thinks I’m PG as I’ve had symptoms and I’m really trying to manage his expectations and tell him that can happen, just feel like he’s going to be very disappointed when AF arrives. We’ll see though! Had a really boring weekend just working mainly! How’s everyone else’s Sunday going? Xx

@Poppy10121 Please don't apologise. I think we all understand how you feel and why. It is normal and it will change in time, but the right support will make a world of a difference so go for it.

I used to be very much black & white in my thinking too and I'm still working on it. I can relate to what you've described. I'm in no way a specialist, but it sounds very similar to how I felt some time ago. My counsellor was a grief counsellor and she said CBT wasn't necessarily the most suitable because she thought I suffered from heightened anxiety with elements of trauma (after the awful physical delivery). I had PTSD in the past after a different awful event when I was younger and it made a return after my first miscarriage too. But she said the source of everything was grief and the shock of what I've been through physically. I found talking therapy very helpful. The purpose of it was to work through the trauma and give me tools to manage my anxiety when I was slipping into this black way of thinking that nothing is ever going to work out, feeling that I'm not in control. It's very easily done when you're grieving. You've recognised it and that's fantastic, I have no doubt you'll come out the other end. Therapy will be empowering and it will help you navigate through the lower times. In time, there will be less and less of them.

I don't know where I would be without my counsellor now, I certainly would be far more anxious and filled with self-doubt now. I still have moments when I think I'm in the sh*t, I'll never have a baby and it's a complete nightmare, but I know how to ground myself now and they go away fairly quickly.

In the meantime, have you tried meditation?

Thanks for the replies @PurplePansy05 @SkyBlue20 and @Chatbash72

I had a day off the forums yesterday because I was feeling really low. I’ve been struggling to concentrate at work this week between symptom spotting in the early part of the week with obsessive googling/looking back at my Flo app for what was going on last time I got pregnant. And then since AF has arrived I’ve been totally miserable. I have always been a very black&white person in my thinking (I know this is not great but I can’t help it!) and so I either think with absolute certainty that I am pregnant and everything will be great, or I think I am infertile, probably approaching menopause, and should prepare to never have a family. I know none of this is logical and rational and I did have some CBT counselling years ago for a gynaecological issue that led to vaginismus and gave me the same thoughts. I have been better in between but I feel myself sinking into despair again even though a tiny logical voice in my head says it’s only been 2 months...
I think my work has an arrangement to pay for some counselling through the EAP so I am going to look into it on Monday.

Sorry for the essay, I hope everyone else is having a good weekend!

@Chatbash72 I personally wouldn't. But I think more because I'd be worried I might get covid abroad and be stuck in quarantine, and I wouldn't want to be stuck elsewhere pregnant and ill, think that would make me extremely anxious. If we remove covid risk from the equation then I think there's no issue with flying. I would have flown in May when I was pregnant for a third time, sadly it had to be cancelled.

Now with a perspective of scans every couple of weeks in my next pregnancy, whenever it happens, I'm not planning anything. Too complicated. But I booked a holiday abroad for 2021 🤞

@Poppy10121 I would recommend counselling, we had a lot happening as a family, on my hubby's side when I had my 2nd M/C, in laws also living with us.. and over the year I unravelled with other bits and pieces too.. it has helped fantastically.. just curious would you fly pregnant at the mo?

@SkyBlue20 That's ok, I don't mind that storyline, but thanks for the warning.

The only reason why I'm not bothered about symptoms anymore is because in all my pregnancies I had them right up till the end, till the actual miscarriage, even though 2 out of 3 were MMCs. So I concluded that even if the symptoms are there, it might not be that much of a reassurance IYSWIM. It is strange, I'm far more relaxed about them now then when I was TTC before. Guess it's the fact I've been through it over and over again and I'm not building myself up as much as I did before.

I got a haircut booked for 18.07 and colour for 1.08 (they couldn't fit me in in one go, soooo busy!). I am SO excited about this! Also having my nails done on 18.07, I'll finally look pampered! 🙌😂

We're going to New Quay in West Wales, Ceredigion. Beautiful place, we've been before. I can't wait to have a proper break after all that happened this year! 🌊☀️

@PurplePansy05 Yes, Mandy Moore is amazing in it, love her! I must warn though, there is a storyline around pregnancy loss in the first episode or two (still birth), so maybe worth avoiding if not in the right headspace for that.
You're doing so well not reading in to your symptoms - I have been awful doing that the last week or so but the last couple of days I've just chilled out. What will be, will be. (I wonder how long that will last 😂)
LOVE that you've been doing your trainers, desperately need to do mine, they're getting beyond repair 🙈 Also need to do a hair treatment. Got a hairdresser appt the week after next and I am so excited!
Cottage sounds exciting, where are you going? xx

@SkyBlue20 I've never watched it, I see Mandy Moore is in it, I really like her. I'll check it out.

When do you think to test? I'm not thinking anything about this cycle, it's unlikely. I had odd twinges, abdominal heaviness, tender breasts and I'm a crier (cried all the way through Pete's Dragon today), also spots. But all these things came in waves and mean nothing. I'm hoping AF will be here next week and then onto the new cycle which might be more regular and at least I'll know when to DTD.

I spent my day resurrecting my trainers with white polish (I know, my life is so interesting), cooking and booking a cottage to go away next month (yay!!).

Currently sat with the O'Wow treatment in my hair, has anyone used it before? I hope it works!

Have a good evening all, I'm having home-made burtitos, I'm so excited 😂

Evening all!

@PurplePansy05 Glad the blood test went well, hope the results don’t take too long!

@Sakura54 Gosh, the thought of a booking appt! Bet it feels like it’s only just happened. They really should just be able to use your last one! When do you think you’ll tell your parents about the pregnancy?

@Workingmama1 Sorry AF is there and that’s so cute of your daughter (albeit not the reminder you want!) How funny about yours and your husband’s pressies, bet the seller had a chuckle when doing them! Hope you have a lovely anniversary tomorrow 💕

Thanks @JoJo58995 💕 Sorry you had a bad experience too, I just can’t believe how almost all of our care has been!

@Poppy10121 Definitely seek some sort of help if you think it will be beneficial - you do whatever you feel you need to, what we’ve been through is horrendous and it’s quite normal to need a hand hold through it all 💕

How is everyone today?
Husband asked me this morning how I was feeling and if I felt nauseous (I did) and said how he was desperate to test 💕 It was lovely as although I know he cares as much as I do, he never really shows it. I, on the other hand, really don’t want to test 😂 I don’t think I am pregnant, I just don’t feel that I am, despite the nausea and the nipples, but if no AF by Wednesday (earliest) or next weekend then I’ll test. I’ve also come out in loads of spots which I guess could be AF or PG - it happened in April, too, after we’d found out about the MMC but before the MVA, then they disappeared after the MVA so God knows the reason why they’re there!
Spent the day doing some work and now just about to make dinner and watch some telly. DH is at his mum’s so I can watch This Is Us - does anybody watch it? I can’t get enough!

My MMC I was lucky it was all sorted quite quickly, I had the scan in the morning at our local hospital, went straight to the main hospital where I was given a leaflet and a chat and left to discuss things with oh, then booked in for SMM the next morning. The sonographers were lovely, and gave me a hug, and got me and oh water. The dr at the main hospital was a no show, so I spoke to a nurse, who was a bit brusque and not entirely helpful. It was just the dr after the SMM who was actually rude.

@PurplePansy05 you're right that the drs don't talk you through the physical aspects, it's like they don't want to talk about it at all, just get you through and out of their hair.

I get quite upset with every period I have, it just seem like a reminder.

@Poppy10121

All I will say is don't hesitate to seek help. I found a grief counsellor and used to go once a month for 5 months I think. I can't tell you how much it helped me, although after the first 2 sessions I didn't think it did anything, so be prepared to give it a go over longer time. I'd say go regardless of TTC - counselling will help you whether you're pregnant or not just yet. I regret I was trying to be a hero and delayed seeking help till I was really poorly "because I'm a strong person and strong people don't need psychological help". This isn't true. Plus I later found out LOTS of my friends and colleagues had professional help at different stages in life. Do it as a gift to yourself, it will help you heal and move forward and that's an invaluable help right now. You've recognised the need for it, don't hesitate.

Re the helplines, they can help, but personally I think they're better as a secondary source, not the main one. Purely because you'll be best of having continuity with a counsellor that knows you and your story well. The helplines are very helpful on an ad-hoc one-off basis, particularly if you're feeling acutely unwell.

What is it that you find you're struggling with most right now? What scares you most? You don't have to answer, I'm only asking because there are different types of counselling and therapy that might be most helpful.

What I meant is that on tv they link it to some dramatic event, like a difficult conversation on the phone, hearing some bad news, tripping over something, and then boom, you've miscarried. This isn't how things work in RL.

The sudden gush of blood like you described is horrific, I don't think I've read many stories like that. That's very scary. I guess the only consolation was that you had the scan before and they found out the MMC, but still, I don't think anything can prepare you for the physical aspects at all. The least that can be done is to talk it through and process it in time. I found once you do that, it really does get lighter and easier. But a lot of the time these aren't the memories that that we readily want to go back to. I found there were a lot of triggers (particularly blood) for months after my first MMC. It took around 6 months to go away, but it's a scary place to be when suddenly you lose your sense of normality with such simple things, such as few droplets of blood. Things become more complex for some time.

They don't talk us through the physical aspects properly in hospitals either, they skirt around it (my hospital and GP did before). I don't find that very helpful, personally I'd rather know stories like ours because whilst it probably would be a scary thing to hear, I'd have known a bit better what to expect. Not knowing made things a lot worse. I find knowledge empowering in our situation and comforting in that pregnancy and loss are out of our control and the only way to protect ourselves and have some control over how we react to it is to understand things as much as we can. Alternatively, not think about things too much, but that's a very difficult path after loss. I personally found knowing more now has helped me with the emotional side of things and made me ask the right questions to the professionals, it was far more valuable to speak to them. But I still think the onus of asking shouldn't be on us in that situation.

@Workingmama1 sorry AF is here for you too ☹️ Like you I’m going to try and remember those “symptoms” for next month but... who am I kidding, I’ll be hoping again.

All my NHS interactions were during Covid so most of my ‘care’ if you can call it that was by phone apart from the actual scans at the EPU and at the one where they diagnosed the MMC they got cross with me because I was sobbing while they were still prodding about and couldn’t ‘finish their investigation’ until I calmed down.

I’ve been wondering if I should seek some counselling or something. I feel like like my reactions are getting worse every month and I’m not sure that even if I do conceive again I’d be able to relax. Has anyone else spoken to anyone? I did ring the Miscarriage Association helpline a couple of months ago but their opening times are quite limited and during my work day.

Also, any hospital letters from my hospital (Bolton) are also stamped with their info, I find it helpful to know they are important and to open them but not very inconspicuous!

@sakura54 bloods are taken at your booking appointment here too, or they were two years ago when I had my daughter. I didn't have them this time round as it was looking like miscarriage was imminent at a scan at 9 weeks and my booking appointment was due the day after so they told me to cancel it. Pretty shitty having to ring up to do that, surely they could have done it for me!

If anyone is unsure about how poorly women who are miscarrying are treated have a look at this thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3955892-Has-anyone-had-bad-treatment-at-A-E-when-miscarriage-happens it really is shocking. While I think my care was poor (I only ever saw sonographers, scan at 7 weeks inconclusive, 9 weeks no heartbeat but they couldn't acknowledge miscarriage, scan at 11 weeks miscarriage confirmed but told i needed to wait 2 more weeks before they would intervene and I naturally miscarried a week later, but was never told what to expect apart from ring this number if you bleed through more than 2 pads an hour) compared to some of your stories and on this thread maybe I was lucky. I don't understand why it is so hard to show compassion, listen to women and at least explain to them what could happen next. At least at the private scan I had at 10 weeks (I needed to confirm miscarriage as I couldn't stand the limbo) they gave me a leaflet and a hug!

Just watching the luminaries and (spolier alert!) one of the characters had a late miscarriage, they conveyed some of the pain and a bit of emotion but nowhere near the real impact, although she was an opium addict so emotions could have been numbed.

I'm having a few gins tonight to commiserate the arrival of AF!

@Sakura54 Oh I see! Your local hospital is not very private then, or maybe it's just the case NHS Wales doesn't do it.

Re tests, these are done at 12 week scan in my area. I never knew they were done so early elsewhere. I see why you'd rather avoid them right now, but once they're done, they're done. And it's a fresh pregnancy, with new, good chances of success.

@JoJo58995 I'm sorry you had a bad story too. I had a horrific experience with medical management which I described earlier on this thread. Definitely never again. In fact, I can't even have it due to the fact J can't have misoprostol. I can't describe the relief this gives me!

What's everyone up to tonight?

@PurplePansy05 @ALew15 I get blood tests at 8 weeks to test for diseases like Hepatitis and 12 weeks for Downs etc. These can be merged, but my hospital want it done separately ASAP annoyingly even during CV, but maybe what's why you never got tested? I'm not even 6 weeks yet and from my understanding you don't normally have your booking in appt this early as there's a higher chance of MC, as cruel as that sounds. If I had known they were going to be this quick, I wouldn't have referred yet lol.

I'm consultant led due to many pregnancy issues, unrelated to the MMC, so I'm not getting anything extra for that. Yes, I believe you do get extra reassurance scans and monitoring after 3 MCs and rightly so. They should look after you.

They know the letters are from the hospital as it says on the envelope and more are coming for my extra appts lol oh well.

@SkyBlue20 I'm so sorry to read how traumatic your experience was. It really is so heartbreaking. My medical management was just before Covid, and was such a horrendous experience too. I was allowed to have my sister with me and I really don't think I could have done that alone so I don't know how you got through it 💕 The follow up was virtually all abandoned due to Covid which is why it all then carried on for so long, and the advice from the EPU that I 'couldn't have anything retained due to a bfn' was just completely wrong. So once they finally did a scan (that thankfully was insisted upon by a nurse at my local GP clinic and I have since called to personally thank her for that) and realised what had happened I was booked in for an MVA the following day. The doctor seemed to think I wasn't in a fit state to decide about my treatment because I was sobbing so much, and suggested that I take some time to think about things....I could have screamed I was so fed up of how much time they had made me wait by telling me for the months leading up to it that it was all just things settling down....but when I said I couldn't cope if they left me any longer they booked me in the following morning for my MVA. I'm so sorry you had to wait so long between procedures, it all just adds to the heartbreak. I get so sad thinking back over it all too, and like you say we really are stronger than we know 💕💕 I have everything crossed for a bfp for you soon, it's sounding positive 🤞🤞

@PurplePansy05 I also only got through everything due to reading other people's stories, feeling the heartbreak and seeing the positives and strength at the other end as my inspiration. As I have said before everyone here has made such a difference to me allowing us to share our experiences and our ups and downs, so thank you all for being here 💕

@ALew15 🤞🤞🤞🤞 for a bfp in a few days for you. The EPU initially told me I could go for early scans from 7w with them if I was to get a bfp again, and it was my first miscarriage. I don't know whether they would be able to do that now as it was said pre-Covid, and different hospitals will vary, but it might be worth asking just in case?

@Workingmama1, @mrsAndeke and @Poppy10121 I'm sorry AF has arrived 😔 she's arrived here too today, I'm going to drown my sorrows in booze and carbs this weekend, and fingers crossed for next month for us all 💕💕