Starting TTC again after missed miscarriage

Well done @WorkingMama1! It was too hot for me today.

@Smilingdonkey fx for Friday (or tomorrow if you cave!)

@PurplePansy05 you've been through so much, men just don't understand any of it really, worrying about ttc, the tww, those disheartening bfns, the excitement of the bfp, the constant worry when pregnant, the sick feeling when it goes wrong - men are just clueless as to what we have to deal with.

I got my first ever flashing smiley on my clearblue digital today. I wanted to test it out before ttc next month, but now it's there all flashing at me I feel both extra impatient and utterly terrified of ttc again.

On a non ttc note, i attempted me first couch 2 5k run today (not a great shout on the hottest day of the year!) It didn't feel too bad at the time but my heart rate went off the charts! Maybe I shouldn't be doing that in the tww (even though I'm pretty confident this month isn't the month and have a gin in hand)

@PurplePansy05 I think ttc can be a very lonely experience, especially if you partner doesn't get it and you have suffered loss or loses along the way. Please keep using us to share your feelings and don't apologise for them, this is a bloody hard road to be on. Also, although I wish to the bottom of my heart that none of your were goong through this I take so much from what we all share on here, sometimes you girls articulate my feels 100 times better than I could and help me not only validate how I feel but understand how I feel too.

@smilingdonkey you have such will power, id be whipping out the test for tomorrow's FMU for sure. I'm so excited for those of us who are getting positive signs, it gives me hope.

@Starfish762 You're too kind, thank you 😘

@Smilingdonkey It's a difficult one because unless you have friends who have also gone through baby loss, they'll never understand what you're talking about with regard to your OH's attitude and you're right, maybe silently they would judge, who knows. I think it's important we speak openly in a safe environment, like this one.

My DH said after my third loss that "he wants to have a baby", full stop, bluntly. And that upset me because obviously I want one too, but the price I'm paying is extreme, whereas he's just going about his normal life and all he has to do is get it up and explode few times per month. Easy to be clear about what he "wants" then, eh. I do wonder what if it doesn't work out, are we just going to divorce over all this because it will be too much. I'll end up as a childless, lonely old lady, surrounded by rescue pets.

Even the strongest couples suffer as a result and I really see that now.

Clearly it's all come out of me today, can't get over my verbal diarrhoea 🙄😳 xx

@Smilingdonkey I can definitely see a line - so exciting! Tentative congratulations!

Just been catching up, and want to hug everyone. It's so shit that we're all going through this!
My husband has been very supportive in his way, though it's different for him, as he's always said the pregnancy isn't real to him until the scan, and it was pretty obvious quite quickly that there was something wrong, whereas obviously I'd been symptom spotting from before the bfp, having the nausea etc, and feeling pregnant. It was a big shock, I definitely feel like my body betrayed me. He's never suggested not trying again - he was the one who persuaded me to have #3 and try for #4! He also pays very little attention to the ttc side of things, though he likes to know when I'm ovulating.

I really hope all these faint lines become strong lines! I'm going to test again on Friday if no AF. By then if there's no line I think I'm out. I've noticed my rhr has been dropping when it's supposed to rise if you're pregnant, so not feeling too hopeful, although boobs are still quite sore.

You can do it & you will! I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through & are still going through, once was bad enough! But I can tell how strong & resilient you are, you will get through it! Maybe try talking to your husband tonight and explaining in detail how you feel, say his positivity is great to an extent but you need him to try & understand from your point of view, support you more. I really hope you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

@Workingmama1 My DH is exactly like that, and I see yours joins the club too, @Sakura54. It's a tough one, sometimes I feel his positivity is needed because otherwise maybe I'd drown in my worries. But most of the time, as you describe, I feel he's not really that bothered, he doesn't get it because he's not affected physically at all, his overall attitude minimises the issue and makes me feel I'm the only one fighting for that baby. But it's meant to be our baby, not just mine. He was also rubbish whenever he tried to be supportive, just as you described @Smilingdonkey, just said the wrong or pointless things clearly showing he doesn't get it.

Why do we have to have a go at everything on our own ladies, and no one ever appreciates us. 😔

I feel today I'm a broken woman, everything in my life up until the baby issues went ok thanks to my perserverance, but with this one, the whole world is against me and I just can't bloody do it anymore.

@Starfish762 I think my problem is that I'm always the person everyone else relies on and their shoulder to cry on. People, including my husband, seem to think that I am stronger than them and they struggle to support me. Whereas in reality, I need the same support as everyone else. The fact I don't talk about it every day doesn't mean nothing's happened and I don't need any help or kindness. I just don't normally add my own shit to a situation where there's already a lot on someone else's plate. I am not very kind to myself, you're right. I know that. Always been the voice of reason for everyone else in tough times and I don't think I've left any of that to myself. When it comes to my problems it's just the mass of self-criticism, loneliness and dark visions of the future that seem to take over at times. I have been working on that, but it's so hard to change when life serves you one blow after another in such a short space of time.

I don't even tell my husband when we're TTC anymore, we just have sex, because otherwise he'd get stressed and struggle to perform. Whereas I am programmed at the moment at finally having a baby out of it, I had sex for pleasure for half of my life, now there's a purpose to it which won't go away till it's done. Obviously I'm the only one considering this because poor him can't know anything about it in case it prejudices him from finishing, great.

I sometimes wonder what difference it would make if I went ahead with it myself and had a sperm donor, at least I'd have no expectation of emotional support and no further disappointment.

I too disagree with the phrase "moving on", it's not a trip to Tesco that didn't go to plan cause you didn't get your tahini that you can move on from. It's baby loss. You're never the same after it, you move forward, carrying the weight of what has happened forever, which just gets a bit lighter in time.

So much excitement going on in this thread with symptoms and ovulation pains. It’s lovely!

@itssquidstella @Smilingdonkey I hope your lines get darker and you get good news! Shall we all test on Friday morning!? I still can’t bring myself to test as I’m scared to see a faint, confusing line. I’ve never seen anything in my previous pregnancies apart from a strong line so going to keep waiting. TBH I’m also very aware of the fact that if I’m pregnant, it means there’s a chance of going through that MC hell again so I’m clearly in denial!

@Starfish762 Your DD is only a month older than my DS. Hope she had a nice birthday. Your DH is right, but TBH it probably won’t take you too long. Most of us here seem to fall pregnant quite quickly lol so hopefully it continues like that. I only use an app to track so never tried the other methods.

No need to apologise @PurplePansy05 we get it. It definitely sounds like your DH is a typical guy; same as mine really. Full of positivity and no worries (his most used words are: it’ll be fine) whereas I am realistic and permanently googling something. He doesn’t talk about his feelings ever. I had to ask him if he was upset about the MMC lol! It’s how most men are I believe. As I said to you in our old thread, it’s very sad that you’ve had to go through this, but hopefully it will all work out in the end.

@PurplePansy05 I’m sorry it’s all got on top of you, it’s not surprising though after all you've been through, you poor thing. Men can be idiots! My husband was exactly the same after our loss, said he was ‘devastated’ but it really didn’t seem that way to me, I started feeling resentment too. But he told me everyone deals with things differently & he was just trying to be positive & ‘move on’ - those 2 words alone upset me, but I know he was coming from a good place & trying to be strong for me, maybe your husband is doing the same? We obsess about ovulation dates & they just try not to look at it that way, very annoying! Have you spoken to him about it? Hopefully he’ll reassure you & you’ll feel better after not bottling it up. You have us, but it’s definitely good to speak to him too so the resentment doesn’t get worse. It’s not yours or your body’s fault though, we just don’t know why it happens it could be their sperm, our egg, or neither of those things. It’s so frustrating & upsetting but you need to be kind to yourself, it really isn’t yours or your body’s fault.

@Smilingdonkey eeeeek I can see it! Everything crossed for you.

@purplepansy05 I can completely relate to the challenge of a parter who just doesn't get it. My husband is a lets be positive and not talk about bad or upsetting things type of guy. Works great for him but it means he's really struggled to emphasise with everything I'm going through. He's also started a conversation about if we really want another one which really upset me. I think they just don't get it sometimes.

@Smilingdonkey I think i can see a line! That's made my day.

Currently sat in the garden having a cheeky glass of wine while my daughter naps as we are off work this week. Im pretty sure it didnt happen for us this month so not being careful in the the. Although quietly seething at my husband who has decided to go on a 2 hour round trip journey to pick up something he won on ebay. I was looking forward to some quiet time together on the nicest day of the year but apparently collecting something from ebay is more important...

I had a cry this morning, first time in weeks. It's got to me that my situation is really shit.

On top of that, DH and I had an argument, he's now in work (keyworker) and I'm wfh, started working an hour early cause I was so annoyed and needed to focus on something else.

Typically, I now have what looks like a beginning of EWCM and no chance to DTD in this atmosphere.

I just feel like I've started questioning everything, will it ever happen for me, and it's horrible to admit, but it even crossed my mind that maybe if I was trying with someone else it would have happened by now. There's no suggestion that either of us have any issues so it's an unfair thought on my husband. But in the same time I feel I'm the only one worried, researching and fighting for this baby whereas he's just a relaxed, happy-go-lucky fucker. Best not to talk about things too much cause he doesn't really know how and prefers to stay positive. Whereas I'm carrying all these babies and the entire burden of losing them and trying again. I guess what I'm getting at is that whilst he's lovely, he's not been supporting me the way I needed it throughout and things still haven't worked out. I think I've started to resent him deep inside now as I'm feeling alone with all this and it upsets me even more.

Someone said earlier that they felt after the MMC as if they couldn't trust their body anymore. I felt exactly the same after my first one, and now after two MMCs and one early MC, and a stone overweight after all this mess, I feel my body is utterly shit and disappointing and not fit for purpose.

I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm really hacked off today.

Smilingdonkey I think it's positive. Take another one in 48 hours with FMU and see if it's progressed. Gentle congratulations 💐

@SkyBlue20 we were lucky enough to fall the first month with our daughter (now 3), like you, then it took 3 months/4 cycles with the one we lost, which I consider extremely lucky given how many people have struggles for years, it’s so sad & I constantly remind myself just how lucky I am, despite the MMC. But this is where the anxiety comes from with it happening again, like surely when so many people aren’t as lucky as that, I’m due something bad to happen to me again. Hopefully not, must try to stay positive!

@Smilingdonkey Thank you for the abbreviations! I agree my body is taking some time to readjust, it’s mad when you were so regular before, but hopefully it’ll settle down eventually. My period came 4 weeks after my MVA but was only 2 days & really light, plus 8 extra days of spotting!

Good luck to everyone having ovulation or pregnancy symptoms, and to everyone waiting to find out. Sending positive vibes!

@Starfish762 we’re also just DTD every other day and hoping for the best - I don’t feel ready to temp or use OPKs just yet. We got pregnant first month last time and this is first cycle back after the MMC so maybe if it takes a bit longer I will but until then, I could do without another thing to obsess over 🙈 I’d be annoyed by your OH’s response, too - my husband is too sensible/realistic/pessimistic at times too when I just want to be optimistic and although I know he means well, quite often it’s just not what you want to hear! Men 😤

@Ranoutofgoodnames Never thought I’d say this but YAY to the nausea!!

@Snausage sorry times have been tough 😔 Bless your husband for driving home to DTD though! He’s a keeper! Good luck with the second ovulation, I don’t envy a second TWW though! Our bodies really are all over the place after these damn MMCs, aren’t they?! Sounds like you’ve been working wonders in the garden, I’m so in awe, I’m quite the opposite of green fingered!!

Just got in from a socially distanced picnic in the park with friends and it was so lovely! It’s late now though and today is a DTD day 😬 I try not to pressure my husband too much by letting him know key dates and whatnot, so that he can enjoy it and only one of us has the pressure, but I think tonight he may have to be told 😂🙈

I’m just catching up after a busy long weekend for my daughter’s 3rd birthday

Feeling slightly out of my depth on here though with all the abbreviations! What’s TWW, FR & ICs?

Am I the only person on here who is literally just DTD every other day & hoping for the best? I tried the stick OPK’s last time for 2 cycles & barely noticed a difference in the colour of the lines, but reading all your expert comments I think the issue was I didn’t know what I was doing I started the clear blue digital testing each morning 5 days ago but nothing yet. We’re hoping DTD every other day will help, then when I get the digital smiley we’ll do it every day for 3 days.

It took us 3 months (4 cycles) to fall last time so I made a comment to my husband earlier about hopefully being pregnant by August & he was so negative & said I was unrealistic & shouldn’t be getting my hopes up. He’s right of course, but I don’t think I’d cope if I thought it could be 6-12 months (even though I know it could be).