Trying for a kid Aged 20?

Hi @rosielou99

I fell pregnant with my daughter the month before I turned 21. We weren’t planning a baby so young so a total shock. We were living with my boyfriends parents at the time and didn’t end up moving out until she was 8 months old when we had saved enough for a house deposit.
We got married in October last year and now trying for our 2nd baby and I’ve just turned 25.
I love my daughter more than anything in the world and in the end everything worked out pretty well for us. My husband finished university just after she was born and now has an amazing career.

What I will say is, every now and then I am envious that I didn’t have to opportunity to live out my 20’s like all of my friends have. A baby at any age is incredibly challenging and I would strongly advise living together for a couple of years and enjoying each other and your time together.

Being a young mum is hard. Being a new mum is hard. Just try make sure your relationship is in a stable position before you make any decision as it really is life changing

X

Move in together first :) then if that goes well then start trying. Don't rush it xx

I fell pregnant with my first when I was 20 and gave birth to her at 21, but we were engaged (got married when I was 7 months pregnant) and we lived together.
I'm 24 now and we've since had a second baby and gotten a mortgage, we're even potentially planning to TTC a third child in the next year.

For us having them young has been wonderful, we both have loads of energy for our children and by the time they are independent we'll still be fairly young ourselves. I don't think it's restricted us in any way, we've still been on lovely holidays and my DH has built a great career for himself.
Having a child definitely doesn't sound like the next big step for you though, I think you should probably find a home of your own together and spend some time there so you know for certain that this is the person you want to raise a baby with.

I've know people in their very early 20's have children and have been amazing parents. But, they were already married, set up in a house and had super jobs etc.
I dont think the age is an issue personally however, until you live with someone all the time, you have no idea how your relationship will pan out.

I lived at home when I was seeing my now husband. We did spend weekends together but that was it on the living together front.
We got engaged after 4 years THEN bought a house.
Bit of a weird way of doing things and I wont lie, living together initially was tough. It wasnt all fun and games, we both had to grow up pretty quickly and become responsible adults who owned and maintained a home.
Things worked fine for us once we got into a routine.

But would I have had a baby sooner? No.
We have done so much as a couple, travelled the world, made amazing careers for ourselves and have got ourselves financially secure.
Its only now, I'm 36 that were trying for a baby. And as selfish as it sounds, I didnt want to put my life on hold early on and miss the opportunities of a lifetime. And yes I know, I will probably struggle to conceive at this age.

You have years ahead of yourself, enjoy life first, see the world, get a home to call your own, then settle down.
Good luck

I think most babies are rarely born at the perfect time. Older women become single mothers too. In a perfect world you would be married, own a house and have a career but that doesn't always happen and it doesn't mean that you won't make a good mother or won't be happy with your life.

To be honest I think it's preferable to waiting till you're in your thirties or forties because you're leaving it a bit late to find out you could have low fertility. And even then the circumstances may never be perfect. I think if a baby above all is your priority and you can cope with the idea of things not working out in your relationship then I think 20 is a good enough age. No one is ever really ready for a baby until you have one and then it all comes to you and you gain experience as you go along.

Ok, you've both got good jobs. Presumably you've talked about:

• who is going to take the hit and stay at home with the baby
• how that person is going to be protected in terms of having equal access to money and what would happen if you split up (given that you haven't mentioned marriage, this is crucial)
• if you're both going to continue working, how you're going to share childcare costs
• if you're going to rely on family for childcare, what you're going to do if that goes tits up
• how you're going to make sure that childcare and home care and admin tasks are fairly divided so that the person with the bulk of the childcare responsibilities doesn't get lumbered with the rest of it

If you haven't talked through these things, then do that first and make sure you're on the same page.

If you're thinking, oh well most of these things don't apply to me because my family will step in, consider who's planning this baby - you or your mother? Your baby, you look after it.

Moving when pregnant is a shit time to move. Do that first at the very least.

But out of lockdown we spent 5/6 nights a week with eachother at eachothers houses and we've done well so far

You mean at each other’s parents’ houses. A completely different thing.

I think the order of things is, first
Get a house. Live together. See how you get on. It’s not the same as six weeks in a parents house.

That’s a good point a pp made - get married next prior to babies. This gives you financial security (Many many posts on this subject in MN) and also is a big commitment to each other and doesn’t need to cost a lot.

Then enjoy a couple of years of holidays and fun, and a couple of years of saving - as your pay when on statutory maternity is shit ( six weeks at 90% of your salary then 33weeks at £151 a week).

That takes you to age 24. Have a baby then and you’ll be 40 when your child can leave school and get a job/go to college or on to uni.

I know it’s a different subject but don’t forget to start a pension. You think it’s miles away and you’ll be fine, but speaking as someone who started paying in at 21 years old now approaching retirement, mine is shit! Under £10k a year. How the hell can I survive on that! So don’t put off that issue!

It's not only the age though is it? I'm sure some 20 year olds make great mums if that's what they want.
It's the living arrangements. I would say the same to a 35 year old - get a place and live together first until then you don't truly know him.

I had my first at 20 and by the time I was 29 I had four kids. I wouldn't change anything. If it's what you want go for it.

I had DS1 when I was 19. He wasnt planned as such, but we weren't using contraception.

As much as I wouldn't change him for the world, I also wouldn't recommend/encourage anyone to have a baby so young.
At the very least you need to live together for at least a year. We had been on holiday together so many times. But I didn't realise what a selfish, immature, sexist pig he was until we had lived together for a couple of years and had a 2nd child.

@rosielou99 also my best friend tried for her first at 16 now has 3 children and is the best mum anyone could be, my other friend tried for her first at 18 and best decision she ever made! X

@rosielou99 I’m 20 and me and my partner have been trying to conceive for 5 months now, I don’t think it’s too young at all as I know this is the right time for us. However we do have a house and moved out together 3 years ago now. How long have you been with your partner? We still have things to get done before we have a baby but know we can sort that before I gave birth. I’m ready to do what makes me happy and our parents have all said they are ready and waiting for grandchildren! Do what makes you happy but try and get a house maybe first then you can try to conceive in peace lol.. good luck to you x

Why the rush? You should have another 70-80 years together why the need to race to have a baby.

Conceived when I was 19 and had him at 20. Me and dp hadn’t been on a holiday together yet or lived together. Like you I thought it would be all sunshine and roses we had been together since 15. You don’t know someone until you live with them for at least a year. Also my son was born with severe additional nerds and attends a special school now. My life revolves around caring him and haven’t had a career. So to say your risks are minimal Is a bit naive as we were both young and fit and didn’t expect to be a full time carer due to wanting a baby.

I had a baby young, we weren't living with parents though. It was the making of DH, it focussed his mind and we are now very successful, own a nice house, flash cars, holidays etc. But it was tough initially. I do think you should move in together first and honestly get married before babies.

I was 23 when I had DD1 but I'd bought a 3 bed semi at 20 and was married, so entirely different to your circumstances. Medically advised to have children earlier so that's what we did, it's only years later that our friends are starting to follow suit

Presumably they haven't even been 'staying over' during lockdown as they are both in different households.

I think the best thing is living together first. Staying over isn't the same.
I don't think 20 is too young and I think it's personally up to you.

Just don't. If you can't see the cons you aren't mature enough for this. You think you are but when you are 30 you will look back and know you weren't. Why the rush? Do you really want to go from living at home to having a baby? Just have fun when you are young and don't ever plan to have a baby with someone you've never lived with.

It sounds like you’ve been unlucky with your living situation but what would you do if that happened and you had a baby to provide for?
It’s just not all in place yet.
People (myself included) fall pregnant accidentally and have to cobble together the best they can in the circumstances but surely it’s better to have a secure, comfortable pregnancy where you can focus on growing into a family, rather that the stress of moving in together, setting up home and providing for a baby all at once?

I got pregnant just 5 months into a relationship. I was 20. 12 years later we're homeowners, 2 kids, careers, holidays.

Its been hard at times. But we have a great flippin life!
I will point out though that staying together in your parents houses isn't the same as living together in your own home. There's financial elements to organise, who cleans what? Will you get pissed off at each others habits? Etc

Yes it's too young. I can promise you, there are more than 'minuscule cons' to having a child.

I think you need to live together properly for a couple of years first and then if you're sure you would rather have a baby than travel/advance your career/enjoy your freedom etc then go for it.

I’m not so much focused on your age, but more your living situation.

If you are still living with your parents then really it’s not just your life you are going to be changing if you decide to have a baby, as it’s going to be your parents home turned upside down and also coping with a baby crying in the night, baby equipment (which can take up a lot of room) etc.

I really think you need to get your own stable living accommodation sorted first and see how you & your partner cope together 24/7 and then consider expanding your family. You may be grateful for the time for just the two of you to have more experiences that you can then go on to tell to your children x

I had my first baby at 33 and I wouldn't change it. I'd been with my dh over 10 years by that point so we knew each other really well and we'd also experienced loads of travel and holidays. Stuff we could only dream of doing now we have a child! Having a baby is amazing but it sets you down a path where you're always second to your child's needs. I don't resent it, but I think that because I had the chance to put my needs first for the whole of my twenties (plus a bit more).

It's obviously your decision but I'd say enjoy putting you and your wants and needs first for a bit before giving that up for a child. Enjoy moving in together. Maybe buying somewhere. Enjoy holidays. Enjoy time with your friends. Enjoy being spontaneous! Then have a baby.