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Original poster

Husband reluctant to start a family, advice needed please

31 replies

Confused857 · 14/04/2020 17:05

Hi lovely people. Sorry this might be a little off topic but I wondered if any of you has gone through something similar.

When I first started going out with my now husband I was quite young and was not bothered about having children, we both said it was not a priority and we could adopt in the future. I have since changed my mind, might be because I am getting older and my sisters and friends are starting their own families which has made me feel I want my own children. My husband in the other hand has even stronger views and feelings against having children which is making me very sad, we love each other very much and I am scared this could be a breaking point.

I think he is scared of losing his freedom of going out and on holidays and has never been great with children. So my question is if any of your partners/husbands used to not want children and then changed his mind? How did it happen? I do not want to force him to do something he doesn't want just to keep me.

OP posts:
MrsEmilyB · 14/04/2020 17:50

Firstly, I'm sending a big virtual hug @Confused857 - what a difficult situation to be in :(

Can I ask your ages? When myself and my now husband started casually dating 10 years ago, we were dead set against children. It was only about 4 years ago we had a conversation and agreed sometime, way in the future, we'd think about it.

We got married in 2018 and neither of us felt ready, yet. We both said we saw children in our future, but it wasn't a big deal for us. Last year I was definitely more ready than him, but both of you need to be 1000% on board. Sometimes, age comes into it. My husband didn't feel ready for kids until about 6 months ago and he's almost 31.

Sadly, though, if it an "absolute never" from your husband and you long for a child, as others have said you need to decide which is more important to you - staying with this person or potentially having a child alone or with someone else. It's an awful situation and no decisions can be made lightly. Sending gentle thoughts.

DoTheNextRightThing · 14/04/2020 17:19

You can't change his mind. Nor should you want to. Having kids is the biggest life change you can make, and nobody should do it if they don’t want to.

Neither me or my partner want children, and we won't change our minds. If one of us did, it would inevitably end our relationship.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but unfortunately I don’t think there's much you can do...

Original poster
Confused857 · 14/04/2020 17:17

No, we didn't agree anything, in the few conversations we had we just said it was not a priority at the time.

I have not pressured him and no I don't think it would be fair. What I meant is that this could be a breaking point and I do not want him to agree to to keep me with him.

OP posts:
peperethecat · 14/04/2020 17:13

How old are you now?

Unfortunately having children isn't something it's possible to compromise on, so you'll need to have a long conversation with your husband and if he really isn't going to change his mind you'll have to decide whether you want to stay with him and not have children or end your marriage in the hope that you'll be able to have children with someone else.

No easy answers to this one, sadly. Flowers

RhymingRabbit3 · 14/04/2020 17:12

I don't think you can change his mind. You both agreed it wasnt a priority and you're the one who has changed your mind so it's up to you to decide whether it really is a deal breaker and, if so, leave and find someone else.

I0NA · 14/04/2020 17:10

So when you married you agreed that having children wasn’t important . But now you have changed your mind and you are hoping he will now change his mind .

Have I understood you correctly ?

Do you think you are being fair to pressurise him? Theres no compromise between a baby and no baby - you have to both want one.

All you can do is decide if this is a deal breaker for you. And if it is, then leave and have a child alone or with someone else.