Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

am with dropdeadfred on this one. he is making you out to be the bad person who is evidently splitting the family up when in reality he needs to take a good long look in the mirror and see who the real culprit is.

What says a lot about him is how he seems more concerned abuot what other people think of him than how he treats his own wife.

Like how he avoids his friend who's having a baby because he knows if he told his friend and the friend found out what he's been doing to you he'll probably deck him the way most men would.

As for your mother, if she pulled that stunt about your brother's wedding and bridesmaid and afford it and all that crap I wouldn't hesistate to lose the rag with her and let her know I'd been dealing with enough from my bullying emotional abuser low life excuse for a husband trying to force me into a second trimester abortion, thanks much, and that maybe if she could show a little more concern and less criticism to her own daughter I wouldn't have found it acceptable to put up with crap excuses for men for so long.

You're better than this shit, hogwarts.

But you know that already.

Just a suggestion, I know it's easy for people to say what they would do in situations when it doesn't affect them, but I so would like to see how he likes being given ultimatums....

If I were you I'd be tempted to turn the tables on him. Instead of him bossing you about demanding that YOU make a decision how about telling him to make it. Tell him that you don't want to have a termination and he needs to make a decision whether he wants to continue to live with his wife and THREE children and make the most of his family (that he is lucky to have) or does he want to tell his children and the rest of his family that he is leaving because you don't want to terminate this little baby conceived within a marriage, out of love, and ironically he thinks if you have it then it will end your relationship so rather than giving it a chance he is leaving now....?

Give him til next weekend to make a decision, see how he likes being rushed and bullied.

hiya, I just read right thru.

I just wanted to say, that I am truly impressed by the way you are dealing with this, truly impressed. Looking at all sides, being coherent to talk on here, despite what u r going thru.

I know the strain is huge, and what you are facing is so huge.

I had an abortion, which took me 4 weeks of tears to decide to go ahead with. My dh was on my side what ever I chose, but I couldn't carry the child without compromising my health and the well being of my yr old dd.

I decided i wouldnt go ahead the day before it was booked. I t made me feel sick, bad all that. Yet the next tday i made myslef go ahead with it, cos the reasons for termination hadn't gone away.

You seem to really want this baby, in so many ways. What your dh is being like is frankly apalling after 12 weeks.

he baot is rocked, yes, but tbh I think even if you have the abortion your relationship will never be the same, so whats the point?

My dh left me 2 yrs to the day after my abortion, our relationship didn't survive what we had to go thru. And I would say we were pretty solid up till then.

I know the changes you face seem enormous, yet you do have the strength either way, its your dh that I think is gonna let u down wither way too.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

Oops that was suppose to be "it" at the end of the first paragraph.

Hogwarts, I do hope that your mum will suprise you and be positive about i!

I don't know you and I don't know your husband and I'm not a violent person but everytime I think of you I feel like going and giving your husband a nice wack maybe then he will wake up and realize what he will be losing if he goes on like this.

Hogwarts...has your dh said anything else since you've been signed off?

Hi Hogwarts, you still sound down to me, but it is good to hear from you. I'll put the kettle on and make us a brew if you would like to pop over.

I told your story to my hubby last night and he was shocked that you haven't kicked your husband on the tushy and out the door. He even said that you would probably be better off on your own, no one is saying that it will be easy but you will have the onconditional love of your 3 kiddies that will get you through this.

The same love that you have for your children is the love that your mother has for you. Yes she might be dissapointed to start off with but she will get around and I do believe that she and the rest of your family will be there for you. Maybe the part of you that is keeping this from your mother is the part that does not want to dissapoint her. Just be strong.

I pray for you and your little bean and hope that whatever happens you will get the support you need be it from family or mumsnetters.

Hi Hogwarts, this is a long one again.. sorry...

not been able to post for a while with bad back, but i've been thinking of you so much. you may remember i posted a while back, ( very long post about being in v similar situation and still with DH now...

I actually talked to Dh about you and this today. He just sat in tears in the end, as it reminded him of how he treated me, and where we are today.

He has not stopped apologizing to me and thanked me 'more than anything in the world for giving him his baby daughter'. he has told me to quote him on that and this:

' if you(meaning me, susie) had been as selfish and weak as I was being at the time, and if you had not faced up to, and confronted and worked through the fears we were both having, our gorgeous beautiful baby girl would not be alive today. it was your strength that got you and our girl safely into this world, it was your strength and courage that kept us together. I feel like one of the luckiest men alive to have my two girls with me today and my life would not be the same, I am so happy, i cannot put it into words'

Well, I have to say, i have saved that, and printed it off, because he has never said anything like that to me in out lives together. Infact, I think he has only ever told me he loves me a handful of times. I know he does, hes just not one of those chaps that ever talks about emotions. it actually makes me cry every time i read this now!

the reason i'm telling you this, and quoting him, on his request, is that he was compelled enough, after hearing your thread, to say what he did. It brought about that much emotion in him, and reminded him of his appalling behaviour, he wanted to just put another male perspective, and one that has also been in your situation on it. He actually said, if it'd help he'd talk to you DH as that was the one thing he wished he's done at the time. He didnt talk to a soul. reason being?he says it made it real if he did. plain and simple. If he didnt talk to me, or anyone, he could pretend it wasnt happening.

you see, he now feels guilty about HIS behavior. He regrets more than anything not wanting our Dd. he regrets even thinking it for more than a moment. As well as feeling so guilty for treating the woman he loves so terribly. He will live with that for ever now. he says the most important thing is that he is glad he is not living with the knowledge that he may have influenced me into doing something i would never have usually contemplated.. and trust me, i had the "its me on or the baby' thrown at me on one occasion, which made me stop and think, as i loved him so much too, like you do your husband. I did choose my baby, i knew that if i didnt, we would have nothing left in our reltionship. I wouldnt want him either, for making me do what he wanted. to put it really bluntly, our relationship would be dead, as would our baby.

I know i am very fortunate that neither are. I am happy now, we both are, with our girl. however, I know i would have been just as happy if it were just me and my girl. YOU will be too. YOU have the strength and the courage to do this, with or without him. YOU can do this. you are a wonderful woman, who loves her children dearly. let me just say, if you were going to terminate this preganancy, you would be sure of it, and have done it by now. the fact you havent says it all really.

We can all give you plenty of emotinal support, and if i knew whre you lived, i'd gladly give you more. your mum and frineds can do a much better job though, in the flesh than we here can.

Sorry i've gone on, yet again, and i hope it didnt look like i was rubbing my happiness in, as i have been where you are, and i just wanted to show you you will be happy again. but you will never ever be as happy as you will be the day you hold that baby in your arms for the first time, with or with out your H at your side. remember the happiness you felt the first two times, and triple it.. in fact, more than triple it, as you will have got through all of this and come through the other side, with 2 other DC there to help you...

Message withdrawn

Hi Hogwarts, I started reading this thread yesterday and spent most of the night trying to get up to date with your story. I even dreamt about you when I did get into bed.

I cannot believe that your husband is doing this to you especially now that you are at your most vonorable sp??.

I feel the same as most of the people that have already posted but want to reiterate what everyone said, you are worth more than he makes you out to be.

I wish I could pop over and just give you a hug because it feels from reading your post that that is what you need.

Please keep us up to date with everything and don't give up on your dreams just for his sake. If he wants out, let him go. As the saying goes if you love someone let them go, if they come back it is because they want to.

I believe that you can get through this, you seem like a woman of strengh.

Hogwarts, at this stage I would switch my focus from the pregnancy to my marriage.

If my husband was treating me the way yours is treating you I would have to seriously question our future together.

He had an affair. You took him back. You were separated. Do you ever regret taking him back? Do you ever wonder of he'll do it again? Do you trust he is at the gym with a male firend?
Do you feel he treats you well in general? (stories like not helping with the house move don't seem to indicate this) Do you feel that you would be happy to be treated like this in 5 years time?

In short, do you think your marriage is in general a good one and one in which you are happy and fulfilled? I get the feeling that you're scared to go it alone and he knows this and it's his trump card. He's trying to force you into an abortion because he knows , or thinks you won't want to lose him. But really, where will it end. What esle will he force you to do? How much ill treatment would you tolerate before you stand up for what you want, need, and believe is right?

Maybe if you did stand up to him, yes, he may leave (in which case, what a man! ) Or he might realise he can't treat you like shit and get away with it.

Believe me, if the marriage were to end, it would be his loss, his family, his kids, his wife, his home, and more importantly perhaps, the respect of his friends or family.

ps are you not showing yet? I'm already starting to show at just 7 weeks .

Hogwarts I have been folowing this thread rooting for you but not posted before

Of course you are dithering - it is not surprising with all you ahve to go through!

I just wanted to mention my experience in case it helps you make up your mind; I got pg at 18 and at college, bf not interested. Went for an early appointment but they would not do it as my temp was elevated, so i convinced myself this was a 'sign' to keep the baby. Had got a job offer, but knew the only way I could afford a baby was to go home and live with Mum, so arranged for job to be transferred - it was at the moment that I got confirmation that yes they could transfer that my whole being said NO and I knew this was not the right decision.

Maybe you need to make a decision and take steps to implenent it and then your mind will tell you the right thing. You have arranged for the booking in appt - can you go to it and see how you feel?

Please do not put yourself thro a 2nd stage termination unless you are absolutley sure - it is not a 'nice' procedure and a whole lot worse once you already have children, you need to be very sure it is absolutley the right thing for you and your children.

Best wishes and keep posting if it helps we are here to support you.

Hogwarts I know you said you weren't posting for a while but if your lurking i just wanted to say that i hope your ok today. I think its a good idea to try and clear your head maybe go away on your own for a day or two if it will help. Do whats best and you know we will all be here when you need us

Hi Hogwarts - as others have said - don't worry about us! We are the least of your worries and are hear to "listen".

In some ways I feel your self-called "dithering" is a decision in itself. Dither long enough and you can't terminate.

I am really sorry you are having to go through this. But I think you should tell your Mum.

Hogwarts, I saw this thread earlier and then have been out of town so I have just now caught up with your situation. I am so, so sorry that you are going through such stress I just wanted to say that a termination has to be something that you yourself feel is the best thing. It cannot be something that someone else wants you to do. I had one at age 18 and even though it was my decision and I knew it was the right thing for me it was still very, very hard and took quite a while to come to terms with. I can tell from your posts that you really want to keep this baby. Please go with what is in your heart. Only you know what you want and need. If you let your dh pressure you into something that you do not want to do, imo, nothing good will come of it and your relationship will suffer anyway. I am a big believer in a woman's right to choose and that means to choose either to have a baby or not but the decision is hers alone. Men in general can be so disconnected from a baby during pregnancy. Another MNer went thru this same thing last year. She has given birth to a lovely baby and all is well.

I will be thinking of you and wishing you well. I really do think that your mother can help give you the emotional support that you need.

feel for you hogs.
You haven't got an 'audience' here, i really hope it doesn't feel like that. Just a bunch of supporters squashed in your handbag.

The time flies, and every single up and down "dither"-wise that you have mentioned on here is understandable, and i really think you don't deserve to be feeling bad about not knowing what you should do.
It's hard to figure what you want when someone keeps telling you what he wants : isn't that actually called brainwashing?
I have to say in your position I would probably continue to dither til 24 wks and then call it fate... IYSWIM. i wonder.

Hogwarts, you are not letting any of us down! It is a massive massive decision you are trying to make here and the circumstances your H is putting you in are not ideal. I would still urge you to speak to your Mum, I am sure she will not judge you whatever you decide and I'm not certain you'll get the support you need from your H even if you decide not to keep the baby.
Big big {{{hugs}}} to you.

Hogworts,you do not have to account for yourself to us.You can only do what you feel is possible for you.Please know that a lot of people are behind you.Go with the feelings that you have yourself ,not the ones that are being brainwashed into you.Please if you are going to take a break from here let us know either if we can help, or give you support in any other way.

Hogwarts, please don't be upset and feel you are letting us down somehow. Of course you aren't, this is a very very very tough decision for you. If you were trying to decide what to have for lunch, OK, this would be a long time, but this is a major, life-changing decision.
I get the impression that you don't want to let anyone down, and I can totally relate to that. You don't want to let your mum down, by telling her you are having a baby, but may have a abortion, you don't want to let your husband down by upsetting him and continuing with the pregnancy, but please don't feel that same pressure with us. It is highly likely you will have to come out and let someone down and not be perfect. Just don't lose sight of yourself whilst you are worrying about everyone else.
We are all 100% here for you, through all the vacillations, that are so normal under these circumstances.
Big Hug!!!