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Conception

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Original poster

Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

643 replies

hogwarts · 04/09/2007 11:31

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

OP posts:
pixie04 · 05/09/2007 15:02

So basically your DH does what he wants ie leaving you when your PG and having an affair and doesn't give a whole lot of regard to your feelings until he's already done what he wanted.

I'm sorry that's probably quiet harsh I do feel for you I really do its horrible to be rejected because your pregnant especially if your acctually happy about being PG. You should be celebrating not crying.

It sounds like DH may just need some time but if I had a DH like that I'd have to be prepared to go it alone sorry.

Original poster
hogwarts · 05/09/2007 10:52

Been through it all havent I - and I'm only 31

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/09/2007 10:43

Then give him some time.

It's all you can do.

But . He left you and you were pregnant and then he had an affair and now he's saying he doesn't want another baby.

Original poster
hogwarts · 05/09/2007 10:41

He didnt actually give that ultimatum, its the way I see it. He says he doesnt want another one, thats not to say that when it arrives he wont love it. I was 21 when I fell pg with DS1. DH and I were not married and in fact had split up 2 weeks before I found out. I got to 7 months pg alone, living with my parents as DH wasnt interested, He came round to the idea and we got back together and has a very strong bond with DS, in fact he often talks to me about the guilt at his rejection of us back then. We went on to have DD (planned) and then got married. Been married 4 years next week. I cant help wondering will this time work out the same.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/09/2007 09:43

'It's him or baby.'

He's the adult here.

Anyone who gives ultimatums like this - well, sorry, but they're better left at the kerb.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2007 09:42

If you don't want a termination, then don't have one. And don't let anyone bully you into one because all that's going to do is make you resentful, quite rightly - it takes two to make a baby and if he never wanted anymore then he should have had the snip.

Sorry, but he's being an arse and you don't need or deserve it. I don't understand people like this, I really don't.

Give it a few days, let it lie for a bit.

But you make your own decisions about what happens to your body for your own good.

pixie04 · 05/09/2007 09:34

I am so sorry your having to go through this. It seems to me that you don't want a termination so I guess you can only try and be prepared to go through this on your own without DH if thats what he decides. Give him time though, now that he knows your PG give him a few days for the news to settle in his feelings may change you never know. I feel so bad for you have a huge hug Is there anyone, friend or a family member you can talk to about whats happening? Maybe take yourself away this weekend if you can have some space to work out how you feel.

Original poster
hogwarts · 05/09/2007 08:44

Did another 2 tests yesterday with DH to be sure, both positive, albeit quite faint. What a night I have had, cried for hours together and slept for a grand total of about 30mins. Currently sitting at my desk in work like a zombie with puffy eyes. A colleague took one look at me, opened her mouth to say something then promptly shut it again - thank goodness as I am likely o burst into tears at any min. DH has said that he absolutely definately does not want another child, in some ways I agree with his reasons - financial problems, childminding, back to the start etc but deep down I have yearned for another baby since DD was about 18mths old. We discussed termination but to be honest its not something I think I could even consider, I could never live with myself. I would resent DH for making me make that decision. I told DH that he was using emotional blackmail to sway me as he thinks our relationship would suffer should we go ahead with the pregnancy, in not so many words its him or a baby - he didnt actually say this, just that he is adament he does not want another baby - I'm scared that means if I do decide to go through with it I will be doing so alone. At the end of the day the decision is mine, we both agree that but I feel so torn, choose baby, risk losing DH, Choose DH and resent him for this for rest of my life and potentially put even bigger strain on relationship. I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, only DH and I know this so I thank you all for listening and helping me get some of this off my chest.

OP posts:
Peachy · 04/09/2007 14:02

YOur Dh isn't the most erm, gentle of peole is he? Goodness!

It's all about what you need, sweetie. Whatever you decide you will have to live with. So give yourself time to think and talk it through- not just with Dh as he really isn't unbiased enough here, a preganancy counselling service or a friend who is mroe open minded.

Wishing you the strength to find the answers thata re right for you

TheQueenOfQuotes · 04/09/2007 13:56

I'd tell him too - I was in a similar situation almost exactly 1yr ago - we forgot to use a condom, I took the Morning after pill, it didn't work, he wanted me to terminate - told him I couldn't do that and he reluctantly said "ok".

I won't lie it took MONTHS before he would even talk about the pg and it was only after my 20 week scan that we actually started to talk "baby" talk. Now, DS3 is 14 weeks old and DH totally adores him.

Oh and I was an unplanned (mum wanted another dad didn't - she had the coil fitted 6 weeks before falling pg with me!) baby too - my dad apparently wouldn't even acknowledge the pg for the entire 9 months - and guess what he still sees me as his "lovely little girl"

pixie04 · 04/09/2007 13:52

I wouldn't say to worry as in panic but I'd make an appointment to see the GP for within a week, it could just be ligaments stretching ect, it could be a cyct or unfortunatley it could be an eptopic pregnancy. I'd say it would be best to make an appointment to see your GP they'll be able to put your mind at rest. If the pain gets worse or you get any bleeding or if you get a pain in the tip of your shoulder you need to go to A&E. Don't panic or anything just be aware I'm sure its nothing that bad.

Original poster
hogwarts · 04/09/2007 12:53

Thanks for the advice. I'm just scared. I'm so out of touch with everything, cant remember anything about being pregnant before, when do I need to see Dr? I've had a really bad pain in my side for past 3-4 weeks, went to Dr and she advised likely to be an ovarian cyst due to location. Do you think that this would all tie in with falling pregnant? I had originally thought it was a sign of ovulation and AF would be imminent. Should I be worried about this pain?

OP posts:
pixie04 · 04/09/2007 12:17

Hello, I'm so sorry your in such a sticky situation. If I were you tell DH, he already knows your late and you don't want to get to the point where you lying to him do you?

Theres nothing wrong with taking a couple of days to sort our your feelings about this though. Let the news set in and think about how you feel and what you want, then tell DH and give him some time and space to go through the same thought process and see what happens.

Two of you were involved in making this baby so both two of you should be involved in where you go from here, but then theres nothing wrong with being prepared for whatever he may feel before you tell him.

I would tell your brother or you future SIL that you've just found out your PG so they are aware I'm sure if you explain the situation then they won't go shouting it from the rooftops.

It will work out okay I'm sure.

Congratulations by the way.

nailpolish · 04/09/2007 11:44

"what a pickle im in"
you need to share this with your dh and not go it alone
i get so angry about this - its his 'fault' too!

you need to tell your bro - will he keep your secret? and there is no reason why you cant be a pg bridesmaid

DarrellRivers · 04/09/2007 11:41

Or not have sex perhaps
He will be shocked but sometimes this happens when you have sex.
He will get over it
Congrats by the way.
This happened to me, didn't know how to tell DH, didn't, then had early mc and had to tell him anyway as felt so sad.
he was excited and shocked and stared making plans when i told him and then sad when we had mc.
all the best

expatinscotland · 04/09/2007 11:37

If he honestly didn't want anymore children then he should have had the snip. I don't get these men who say 'I love you, but not my children with you if it's not at a good time.' Part and parcel, IMO.

forsale · 04/09/2007 11:34

her dh not mine obv

forsale · 04/09/2007 11:34

you need to be honest with him and tell him now. FWIW friends of ours have 3 and dh could barely speak when they were preg with first then still wasnt happy with the 2nd and now is annoyingly superdad now they have 3

good luck

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