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Original poster

Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

643 replies

hogwarts · 04/09/2007 11:31

I've also posted on the pregnancy board.

My period was late and yesterday I did a Pg test and got a BFP. DH and I have discussed another child, we have 2 already 5 & 8 and he was very much against it although I was very keen. We agreed that we wouldnt have another child and concentrate on our relationship. Circumstances at the min are not great financially although we had DS when I was 21 so not great timing then either! I havent told him that I have done the test but did tell him yday that it was very late - he has said constantly I hope you aren't pregnant. A bit of background is that DH had an affair 3 years ago and we seperated for 9 months. We are now very much together and have a stronger relationship, I'm just so scared that he will take this news badly and leave as he has been texting me all morning to tell me to get a test and do it and that he is worried sick that it is going to be BFP. I asked him this morning if he loved me which he answered yes, I asked him if he would still love me if I was pg and he said yes but he really did not want another child. I know this may seem insensitive of me when there are so many people trying very hard to conceive, its just such a very very big shock to me. Part of me is so pleased but the rest is shocked/scared/worried about DH reaction. I had my mirena coil out earlier this year, been on Cilest pill since. I am due to be bridesmaid at my brother and SIL wedding next March, by my reckoning I will be around 7 months pg by then - I'm due to go for the first fitting on Thursday - do I tell them or not, I dont want them to pay any money when I know I wont be able to do it but then again as I am only 4/5 weeks I dont want it made public....

What a pickle I'm in .... Please help

OP posts:
katendmom · 20/09/2007 19:36

Hogwarts, what worries me the most is that this pain in your side keeps coming and leaving. Along with all the emotional worries you're going through, you should remember to take care of your physical well-being. You also want to confirm that this pregnancy is progressing well. After all - you have 2 DC - and you need to be well for them. Please don't let anything happen that might change your Dr.'s visit on Monday. They need to do a physical evaluation and look into that pain of yours.

Let us know how things play out on Monday.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 20/09/2007 16:42

hogwarts - if you want to email me at all to "chat" about it feel free too gwenick . taff @ ntlworld . com (without the spaces)

gess · 20/09/2007 10:13

Agree with everything expat has written. What would happen if you just refused to discuss it with him? It sounds a bit as if he is placing himself in a victim role which is plain stupid. As expat said if he didn't want any more kids he should have sorted himself out with the snip.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2007 10:08

Moan away!

Original poster
hogwarts · 20/09/2007 10:06

Thanks Guys. Am dead weepy today. Its good to have you here to moan to.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/09/2007 10:01

'He said that he wouldn't be able to tell people that he was happy about the situation and that he would tell them that this wasn't what he wanted. I said well how do you think that will make you look - his reply - "honest". '

No, it won't make him look honest, it will make him look like a pratt. Because on the Plant Maturia, sometimes things we don't want happen, but we keep our mouths shut because opening them will hurt other people who don't deserve that.

Good for you, hogwarts! Everything you told him is the truth - it's dead tough sometimes but you either hang with it or you don't.

Hope things get better for you soon.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 20/09/2007 09:50

Do have any friends in RL (even just one?) that you can moan to about PG stuff? DH and I hardly talked about my pg until it was time for my scans - even then the 12 week one was just a "I'll take you up there" (and then reluctantly came in when I asked him........think that was something to do with the fact that the waiting room was full and it wouldn't have looked very "manly" to turn your pg wife down ).

20 week scan he came in voluntarily and it was from then on that he would actually "entertain" talking about baby stuff. He still wasn't totally convinced and I never really felt I could sit there talking about kicks, and stretch marks and exhaustion like I did with DS1 and DS2's pg. Even at the birth he was a little distant.

For us we were already in a very rocky relationship - infact just after Christmas (about 6 weeks before my 20 week scan date) we came within a whisper of splitting up (the pg was hardly a decoration on top of the icing on the cake). So that made it even harder.

I won't lie - it wasn't my most enjoyable pg (although actually the "best" in terms of sickness, exhaustion etc etc) but then it could have had something to do with the fact I was still working 28 1/4hrs a week night shifts until I was 29 weeks! However having a few people I could moan to, and harp on about the good bits really helped me get through - and now when I look back I can't believe that less than 1yr ago I thought I was going to be a single mum of 3 .

(oh and MN is always good for sharing stuff too )

Original poster
hogwarts · 20/09/2007 09:08

Hi Queen, To be honest its your story that keeps me going, in the hope that DH will be like yours. We talked a lot last night, DH apparently feels like he is having a breakdown - how the hell does he think I feel!? He feels like he has no control over the situation, thats its being forced upon him. I have reiterated that I am not happy about it, especially the thought of being a single parent to 3 children, one of which will be a newborn. He asked why I said that as he wasnt leaving, I told him that if he was going to hate me being pregnant and the thought of a baby coming that I would prefer that I was alone rather than have him drag me down into depression. He said that he wouldn't be able to tell people that he was happy about the situation and that he would tell them that this wasn't what he wanted. I said well how do you think that will make you look - his reply - "honest". I then told him that if that was the way it was going to be then we would be better off apart as every little movement, feeling sick etc I would have to hide from him and I couldn't do that for 9 months. I then told him that I would rather go to all the appointments alone, give birth alone and raise the child alone than feel have his misery hanging over me. What a way to spend you wedding anniversary eh?
he accepts that this is just as much his fault as it is mine, and I stated that he shouldnt have left the contraception all to me if that was the way he felt, he chose the easy option to let me sort it all.

So, looks like its going to be me doing it alone. Get pregnant, lose a husband. Great, eh?

On another note, the pain in my side is really sore again. I am going to Dr on Monday. Last night, and not sure if this is relevant to anything, I had a rash all over my backside and my thighs. It seems to be away today though. Any ideas?

OP posts:
TheQueenOfQuotes · 19/09/2007 22:46

"I still think deep down he thinks it was accidentally on purpose. I can only tell him that it wasn't and ask that he believe that. We are going to make an appointment to go to see our GP together. I asked what he would do if we went ahead with having the baby. He said he would still be there but it wasnt what he wanted. I can only hope that he changes his mind when he/she arrives."

Hogwarts - that was exactly where I was exactly 1yr ago. DH was adamant it wasn't what he wanted......but my goodness if you could see him with DS3 now......I know you can't really "spoil" a 17 week old baby but DH manages it .

katendmom · 19/09/2007 22:40

Oh dear hogwarts, one thing you should stop all together is apologizing for how you feel, what you say, etc, etc. Please do not worry about me - I am a big girl and can take care of my emotions . Please know that I have the most respect for your experience and can only imagine what you're going through emotionally.

Please listen to what others say here - take care of yourself and think about what is best for YOU.

Stay in touch!

chipmonkey · 19/09/2007 09:56

I agree with everything expat says, hogwarts. 2 of our DC's were unplanned and it was a big financial strain at the time but it wouldn't have entered dh's head to suggest a termination. He is being a twunt and you should NOT give in and have a termination, you would not be able to live with yourself afterwards.

mufti · 19/09/2007 09:20

ps they also do post abortion counselling, if that may benefit anyone on here

mufti · 19/09/2007 09:16

hi, not read all, but look up care confidential.com
they have branches in ireland, and a free phone number, and are sympathetic and unbiased, bit shocked by the fpa response.
they see people together or separately too.

expatinscotland · 19/09/2007 09:09

'I will never be able to go through with a termination, its not something that I would have ever considered had DH been happy about this pregnancy so why should I now?'

Then DON'T! Trust yourself.

And if he didn't want any more children, then he should have grown a pair at that meeting and mentioned getting a vasectomy.

Why is birth control all your responsibility?

See, this is what gets me about every single one of these threads where a married/committed couple who experience a birth control failure and hten the man tries to bully his wife into having a termination she does not want. EVERY single one of these blokes went on and on about not wanting more children but left all the birth control to the female.

How friggin' irresponsible is that?

And none of them ever owns up, gets a sense of personal responsibility, takes matters into their hands and gets the snip or starts using a condom each and every time or not having sex.

This is your choice and your body. Stand up for it. No one else will.

Original poster
hogwarts · 19/09/2007 08:55

Hugs to you Kate, lets hope you get some news back so that you know where things went wrong. I feel so terrible for this thread after what you have been through. I'm sorry, it must seem so insensitive and upsetting for you and for that I truely apologise. I have no one else to talk to but on here. I have no idea how I am going to tell people in RL - especially my parents who I don't think will be happy. Nothing I ever do is good enough for them. Dont get me wrong they adore my DC but I dont think my mum will be pleased when I tell her another is on the way. She helps me a lot with my DC but has said on numerous occasions that if I have another then I'm on my own!

Went last night to the appointment with FPA. What a farce that turned out to be. Had to come up with some wonderful reason why I was going out at dinner time so mum would keep kids for an hour, didnt want to go but knew that DH and I needed to talk about things. Arrived a few mins late, and therefore stressed at being stuck in rush hour traffic. Woman called my name and DH and I stood up, "You will need to wait here Mr Hogwarts, its one to one counselling". huh?? - we specifically rang up and stated WE wanted to talk to someone and they offered us this service. To top that, she said it would last 1.5-2hrs and we had been told on the phone that it would be approx 30-45 mins. I had to be home to take DD out so this was no good. I tried telling the woman that I didnt need counselling on my own, I was beginning to accept the shock of an unplanned preg but that DH needed counselling, or rather together we needed it. She disagreed. At this point, and my excuse being that I am hormonally and emotionally unstable I lost the plot told DH that we were leaving, threw down the leaflet and stomped off leaving him to apologise!
We talked about it when we got home, DH loves me, he has told me that many many times ,(especially today as its our wedding anniversary) but he feels strongly that he really doesnt want another baby and that his hands are tied as ultimately the decision falls to me. He told me that he can't get his head around the fact that the pill has failed me again, I still think deep down he thinks it was accidentally on purpose. I can only tell him that it wasn't and ask that he believe that. We are going to make an appointment to go to see our GP together. I asked what he would do if we went ahead with having the baby. He said he would still be there but it wasnt what he wanted. I can only hope that he changes his mind when he/she arrives.

OP posts:
katendmom · 18/09/2007 16:51

I am sorry that you're not feeling well but these are all great symptoms of a healthy pregnancy . Your little bean is thriving and doing famously and that's wonderful!

I think your DH will come around. He loves you and it means he will of course love your baby. What do you think about this... how far along are you? Go on Google and find pictures of babies who're the age of your "bean." I think your DH would be shocked to see what a real human you're carrying. This might be a wake up call for him - it is not a bunch of cells or tissue, you have a little person inside you and in you life, both of your lives! Just a thought .

Things are ok with me. I had a D&C last Thur, went well. Still a bit of bleeding but it's expected. The surgeon sent some tissue samples to the lab to see if they can tell why I mc'ed. The results should be back in a month (well, 3 weeks now but who's counting?! .

Good luck and please don't hesitate to post if you need some female support . You're doing great! Take a good care of yourself.

Original poster
hogwarts · 18/09/2007 08:57

Hi Katendmom - Thanks for thinking of me. The morning sickness has started or rather the nausea, been feeling sick constantly now since Saturday. Have the appointment with FPA today although I dont really want to go. I will never be able to go through with a termination, its not something that I would have ever considered had DH been happy about this pregnancy so why should I now? That said, I still have wobbly moments (like this morning) when I think - this wasn't planned and I really don't want it happenening in my life. I don't know how we will manange, moneywise, childcare etc...
The only reason I would consider going to my appointment was to get DH to talk about things, he has blanked it out for the last week, not mentioning it unless I force him to. That said, he has started acting more normally to me (as in like nothing has happened) He does keep telling me he doesnt want another child, I have tried saying that I hadnt planned it either but its happened and we have to face/deal with it. He says he loves me so how can that change just because I am pregnant? I don't understand men, and they say women are hard to understand!!
How are things with you Katendmom?

OP posts:
katendmom · 17/09/2007 20:59

Hi hogwarts, haven't heard from you in awhile and just hope you're doing well

Sending you a big hug and best of luck wishes~

katendmom · 13/09/2007 19:12

I think that feeling tired is a good darn sign that you're pg. I was so tired when pg, especially early on, that I could fall asleep standing. As far as morning sickness goes - it differs. I really wasn't that sick my second time around... Also if you're only about 4-5 weeks, it might be a bit early. I know my morning sicknesses usually start around 6-7 weeks.

Good luck to you but try to think objectively. Your DH is intended to be your best friend and should be there for you ALWAYS. Having a baby is really a couple's decision so you do need to continue working through it together. However, and please forgive me for saying it, but what if he does not approve something else that you do in the future? Let's say it is not child-related? What will happen then? Will he always expect you to do as he wants or he might leave you? Just a thought - you have your whole life ahead of you - think about this situation and his reaction/ actions in a bigger scheme of things.

Good luck

Original poster
hogwarts · 13/09/2007 08:40

I know that I am acting like a big child but I just dont want to go to the doctor yet. I don't know that I am ready to admit and TBH am worried I will bump into someone I know at the surgery. DH hasnt discussed it with me for 2 days now, acting like business as normal which is upsetting me - is he in denial too or just hoping it will go away?

The pain in my side has subsided, havent felt it for a day or two now. Hopefully thats a good sign.

I dont feel pregnant though, just really really tired. I can't remember, should I be feeling any different. If it wasnt for the lack of AF I wouldn't know I was pregnant. I was sick in both previous pregnancies, and felt sick constantly, is it too early for this?

OP posts:
lojomojo · 12/09/2007 20:11

I would just like to say that I wish you well in your descion and what ever way you go it must be your descion as it is your body. But, please please go to the doctor because your pain i sworrying me. Good luck Hogwarts LJMJo

katendmom · 12/09/2007 13:46

Girl, you're not offending anyone! You have every right to feel the way you do. We all deal with our emotions differently - that's what makes us unique. What kind of friends we would be if we were to judge you and to expect you to behave and feel like we do?!

I am different in a way that I am dealing with my mc. I really just want this whole thing over, move on and hopefully TTC again (even though I think my DH is a bit worried about that, since he doesn't want to put me through pain again, again if something bad happens. Well, we'll deal with it later). Some women really feel differently, grieve, etc?

I suggest that you find the courage to make a doctor's appointment. For a number of reasons - your well-being being the primary one. S/he needs to evaluate you and let you know what stage you're in, etc - I am still worried about some of those pains you had. After that appointment, you will know better what your situation really is. (I don't want to upset you or have this come the wrong way like I am wishing you that - GOD NO - but I went in thinking all along I will come home with a picture of our future-baby just to find out it wasn't happening for us).

I AM NOT SAYING IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. I am saying that you need to know what's going on and then you can think about your next steps.

Just try to take it one step at a time. I really-really think your doc's visit should be your next step.

Good luck, sweetie!

Original poster
hogwarts · 12/09/2007 08:42

Katendmom -so sorry to hear about the loss of DD and that you are again mc-ing. My thoughts are with you.

Asides feeling v tired I am ok physically. Emotionally I am a bit stronger but my head is all over the place. All week I have been thinking that I really do want to keep this baby. Today I keep thinking about all the negatives and find myself swaying the other way. I just wish I didnt have to make this decision. I'm starting to feel like this: I don't know that I want to have the baby but I don't want to have a termination either. Really confused, sorry. Just read this and its insensitive to Katendmom, so my apologies, I dont mean to cause offence of upset anyone, I just don't have any one else to talk to "aloud" about this. I havent seen my DR yet, not ready to admit I'm pregnant yet. As you say, its like being a teenager, not someone who will be 31 next month.

OP posts:
katendmom · 11/09/2007 21:06

Hi hogwarts, first of all - how are YOU feeling? How is that pain? Have you made an appointment to see your doctor?

My story is slightly more mild (and with an ending you probably won't want - for a different reason)...

We lost a DD at 35 weeks pg... We were blessed with a wonderful DS who's nearly 19 months now... Decided that our family was complete and we shouldn't press our luck again.

Few weeks back we found out I was pg again. I cried my eyes out. If you saw me - you'd think I was some unmarried teenager rather than a mature happily married woman, who's 30 years old. I was sure that my husband would feel the same way - after all WE made a decision that our DS was all we needed... Guess what - my DH totally surprised me. He smiled ear to ear and told me HOW excited he was and how it was the greatest thing ever.

My point is - you just never know how things will turn out. DC are God's gifts and he will always take care of them.

PS the unfortunate thing is that I am mc'ing right now... BUT we're thinking of TTC again... after we heal.

GOOD LUCK!

Original poster
hogwarts · 11/09/2007 12:39

I'm not going to jump on you expat - I just appreciate the honesty.

OP posts: