Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

{{{{HUG}}} I agree with the others - it's time for you to go into a R/L. If you're starting to feel that the world is closing down on you, that you just want to walk into the ocean... I think MN has done what it could. You're SO right - your DC absolutely need you. You're SO important in their life.
You owe it to them - brining yourself out of existance into life.

hogwarts, I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I have no constructive advice, other than to echo some other posts about needing to talk this over with someone in RL. do you have a close friend you can confide in, someone who knows both you and DH well who will be supportive and non-judgemental. Will your DH go with you to see a family planning counsellor to discuss things?

From a personal pov, I had a termination just before I sat my finals at uni and i can honestly say that although it was the best thing for me at the time, and a decision that my BF and I talked through and made together, I never fully recovered from it and neither did our relationship, which we had thought was forever.

I hope you can get through this with the best and most positive outcome for you and your family and that whatever you decide your family stays together.
{{{{{{{Hugs to you}}}}}}}
xx

Hogwart, (((hugs)))

You sound so very sad, I'm worried about you.

I know you haven't had much luck with the counselling, so maybe this website'll help you make a more informed decison. It's a neutral stance workbook that should help you explore your feelings on the best option for you in your circumstances. It certainly would've helped me when I had a temination that I later bitterly regretted, I hadn't realised the co-ercion I felt from various directions and I think this kind of reflection could've helped.

I would also urge you to tell a friend or family member other than your DH. I think the pair of you are too isloated in this situation and you, at least, certainly seem to need some support. Mumsnet can only go so far, you need some human contact.

Good luck.

Hi Hogwarts. I was in a similar situation with a 2 and 7 y.o. and DH not wanting another child. It's put a lot of strain on our marriage and I wish I could say it's got hugely better over time, it hasn't, I think we just got used to being slightly distant and avoiding any "meaningful" discussions. DD2 is now one week old and last evening I think I had the first warm hug from DH in months (and even that was because I'd lost my temper with the other two and was crying about it). I hope it gets better. Sorry if this doesn't sound too encouraging, I'll start working at it and I hope it works out for you too.

How are you?

Hi hogwarts, how are you sweetie?

I have to say... I think your situation is drifting away from the issue of pg... or a baby... or even your health...

I think you're searching for approvals. It's like your mom and your DH need to tell you that it is OK for you to have this baby?

You're a grown up and a successful mom. You have done it in the past, you can do it again, with flying colors. You do not need anybody's OK or approval. You know what you're worth.

Neither your mom nor your DH think twice about whether you will approve or disapprove their behavior. Why are you so concerned? It is your life. You deserve to make decisions and live with consequences. They might be good or difficult but they're yours. That's what makes our life rich.

We live once. You deserve to live your life like you see it fit.

starry - you got the wrong of the stick with my previous post - I was using it to try and say that I don't think discussing it now will have any benefits as it's only going to drag up the past - which could quite easily end up causing resentment (as in the case in Tiny Tearaways).

Hogwarts, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had the same issues with my mother when I fell pg with ds2 (my 3rd). He was planned, in that dh and I had agreed we'd have 3 but he came along much sooner after dd than we'd imagined.

Mum had said to me pretty much every time we spoke after I had dd that 2 dcs were enough, 3 were too expensive, too hard, too this, too that. When I found out I was pg I just couldn't tell her, just didn't know how to because she was so negative about me having 3.

It was a different situation to yours as I had dh's full support but in the end I emailed her and said something along the lines of 'I know you don't approve of me having 3 but I am pg, it's my decision and my life, I'll live with the consequences. I'd like you to be happy for me and to support me but if you feel you can't then that's fine'.

I wouldn't say she was thrilled and she still makes comments about how much easier life would be if we'd stuck at 2 but that's my mother, tbh.

I really hope your mum does give you some support and that things work out for you and your dh, it's a tough situation that only time will resolve, I think.

QofQ - I was most definitely not suggesting that you discussed with dh how he felt - IME if someone has moved on best not revisit the past - it is obvious your dh loves his ds3. I wasn't sure whether to recount the story or not but I think it shows that even such an extreme reaction can still turn around once the baby is actually here.

Hogwarts, you seem to be surrounded by negative people. I cannot believe that your mum wouldn't be delighted by your news, and if she isn't then she has a major problem. Do you think she would support your husband completely, or just complain all the time? You have nothing to be embarassed about - your dh should but right now his head is so far up his arse he can't - okay - but don't be embarassed for him. Someone will tell him what a dickhead he is being soon enough.

Go inside yourself. Ask yourself, if I have three children on my own, could I cope? You will know that the truth is, you could. Then ask, could I cope with a termination? All these questions, you know the answers. Whose problem is it if your mum doesn't approve? Hers. Whose if your dh looks like a fool? His.

I totally agree, no more discussion. Trying to change someone's behaviour only sets you up to be knocked down. Instead accept this is how dh is going to be and let him get on with his business. Your business is taking care of yourself and your baby.

Look after yourself. xxx

hogwarts this is your body. you have decided what you need to do with it in order to feel good about yourself. he played a willing part in this and you know in your heart of hearts he is acting like a twat.

but you've been given some great advice here and so please, please see a doctor and start looking after yourself!

your children need you, your unborn child needs you.

i agree w/QofQ and kate, leave off discussing it w/this husband and start moving forward, which means looking after your health.

trinity - it's stories like that which make me not want to talk to DH about how he felt 1yr ago. I suspect he probably does feel guilty for how he reacted and I'm not sure brining it up would really help either of us. He's besotted with DS3, we're definitely getting along better than we have for a long time (confirmed last night ) and I don't feel the need to make him talk about it.

Hogwarts, please go to your doctor.

I don't know if you watched The House of Tiny Tearaways, the programme with Dr. Tanya Byron? There was a couple on that who had problems, the mum was basically excluding the dad yet the dad was besotted with his dd. Then it came out that while she was pg the dad had wanted her to have a termination, he had a breakdown, and even threatened that he would get someone to beat her up so that she would lose the baby! Yet he was the most loving dad to his little girl and was so ashamed of how he had been during the pg. I don't know if that helps but your dh isn't unique and there is every possibility of light at the end of the tunnel.

If you look through the BBC parenting site you might find some references to the programme.

HTH and look after yourself!

good post Kate - you (Hogwarts) really do need to make sure you're taking care of yourself and the baby. And remember if you do want to email me the offer is still open

Oh girl, what are we going to do with you?! Ok, what's done is done - and if your DD wasn't feeling well and you had to stay home with her... Ok, we'll take that as an excuse but did you reschedule?!

I think in this turmoil of DC, future lo, your DH having a tough time ~ you're forgetting something... or should I say somebody? It's you!

hogwarts you're as important as all those others in your life but you have taken the bake seat and do not pay any attention to yourself. That's gotta change - baby or no baby - you need to make sure that you're taken care of. And if your DC are too young to help you with that and your DH is too preoccupied with something else at this moment - then YOU have to look out for yourself.

Between you and me - I think you have made up your mind about this lo. And with that said - you need to be giving him/her the best start possible. You will be doing that by ensuring that you're being attentive to your pregnancy. Please see a doctor, get on with your medical supervision and then you will still have all the time in the world to sort out things in your emotional life.

I agree with others - don't waste your energy on talks with DH right now. It feels like the more you're trying to discuss, the more he resists and shuts down. Has anybody ever told you that men can be like toddlers at times? The best thing is to let things cool off for now.

Use this time to take care of your lo and you. Please don't procrastinate any longer. Not seeing a Dr. does not make this pg any less real. What it does, giving that you have had some pains that you couldn't explain, is delaying attention to what needs it the most ? YOU.

Promise to see a Dr. in the nearest future?

QueenofQuotes - Can I ask you something? You said that your DH was distant all through the pregnancy and birth, has he ever shown any signs of resentment towards you (or baby) since? Does he talk about how he was at the time? Deep down, I hope that when baby arrives, DH will melt when he sees it and change his mind and that all will be forgotten, though he says no way he will - yes he will love it and look after it but still won't change his feelings about not wanting it in the first place. Is it me or is that hard to understand?

No resentment at all - he's utterly besotted with DS3 (spent all weekend with him in the sling ) and we are getting on better than we have in a long time.

He doesn't talk about how he felt at the time, and tbh I've got no desire to bring it up. As far as I'm concerned that was then, this is now and I'm not sure that talking about how he felt then is going to have any benefits. He adores DS3 and that's all that matters to me - not how he felt about it 1yr ago.

With regards to you discussing the same old stuff with DH all weekend, try not to (unless he brings it up). He's not going to change his mind in an instant, it's going to be a gradual thing. Don't forget that even for men who do want another pg the actual pregnancy itself is a little "remote" for them (we carry the baby, we feel our body changing, every movement baby makes etc etc) and most men find it hard to "connect" before the baby is born anyhow, and when it's a child that they didn't want it's even harder for them.

The more you try and "talk through it" now the harder it's likely to become for both of you. ATM he probably just needs space (and time) to get it all sorted in his head. It will take time for him to come around and the more you try and discuss it the more upset you will become atm as he's going to keep giving the same old answers.

How are you today hogwarts? Thinking of you, please let us know how it goes with the Dr tomorrow.

LT xx

Hi Hogwarts,

Worried that you are having such bad pains.
If the pains are really bad maybe you should ring the hosp and ask to speak to one of the midwives in the admissions unit of whichever hosp you intend to go to - they will see you and scan you at the weekends (I was seen at at 9pm on a friday night - I'm also in NI).
I know that you have also said that you are having probs with DH but you need to look after yourself first esp with having these pains - thats the important thing right now.

If all goes well pain wise over the weekend make sure you keep dr's appt on monday you can see if dr will refer you the early pregnancy clinic for a scan. Be sure to tell the dr how long you've had the pains and how bad they are and there should be no prob getting a referral. When I was referred I spoke to dr on tues and had appt for thurs.

Alright there, sister, hang on with your conclusions. Many women will tell you that the "feeling of being pg" is rather subjective and might change from one pg to the next. I am sure you have also heard that pgs may be very alike or very different. So the fact that you feel differently this time, isn't necessarily the clue for anything.

The fact that your pain stopped is good but the fact that it seems to be coming and going is not so great. So make sure you talk to your doctor on Monday and give them the specifics.

Now, as far as the scan goes... are you in UK/ Europe? I am in USA and things are different here. Here you get your first visit with a nurse actually, she gets all your info, asks about previous pgs, etc. This visit usually happens between 6 and 8 wks of pg. Then your next visit is when they do an internal scan. They try to do that between 8 and 9 wks. From what I read on MN, in UK it seems more customary to get scans at 12 wks? I might be wrong. Regardless, if you're worried - please talk to your doctor and ask if it is possible for you to get an earlier scan. How far along are you?

Lastly, please try not to worry. Do go and see a doctor but since you asked - I have to be honest with you. If woman is mc'ing, she might not start the bleeding right away. When I had a mc, I didn't start bleeding until about 2 wks since after the baby?s heartbeat has stopped. SORRY FOR THE DETAILS and I am NOT suggesting that there is ANYTHING wrong with your pregnancy. I am just answering your question about when a bleeding might start if a woman has a mc and it is based on my experience.

Please let me know how things go on Monday, ok?

Is there any way you can be seen sooner than Monday?