Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

Hogwarts - you are so brave. I've followed this thread since posting on it earlier, and I am so glad that Beenleigh was brave enough to say what she said, because it is so obviously true.

Good luck Hogwarts and well done for being so strong, I hope at some point you will start to enjoy your pregnancy. You deserve to be happy.

Hogwarts - I'm sooooooooo proud of you, you're stronger than you think!!! None of us were trying to be horrible to upset you,, just to make you realise (because it was pretty obvious from your posts) that you don't want this termination for YOU but just to give DH wants he wants and have the easier life - sounds like you realise it wouldn't be the easier option as it would bring a whole new set of problems if you went ahead when you didn't want to!!!

{{{ hugs }}} and more {{{ hugs }}} WELL DONE for thinking it through properly and realising it's not the right option. I just KNEW you'd be very unhappy if you went ahead, I'd hate you to go through what I went through (and others) - I was only 16, god knows what I'd be like now I'm 31 and have a child of my own!!!

I understand you aren't ready to tell anyone yet but when you do, we'll all be here for you!!!

Pleased you're moving home so that you don't have to 'pretend' nothing is wrong. I'm just a little worried about your DH and how he'll be. Do you think he'll bully you even more when there's no other adults about? Hope not, just make sure you don't let him!! If it gets too much, I'm sure you could go and stay at your mums?

Anyway, all the best and stay in touch and let us know how you're getting on!!

LT xxxx

Actually.....if it was me.....I'd speak to my mum first! You can't be NOT close at all otherwise you wouldn't be living with them. Please please please speak to someone like family who can help you. You need a RL cuddle, well, lots of them more like it!!!

Well, you said you wished someone would make a decision for you........I think a lot of us have!!! You know we're right, you just need the strength to get through this and I think you need to start with that trip to the Dr on your own! Be totally honest with them, they are there to help xxxx

p.s. I'm also pro-choice, NOT pro-your h's choice!!!

Oh god, I'm jumping in to the lions den here, but Hogwarts, you've wanted this baby from day one, and you just can't have a termination. Your only reason for wanting a termination is because of your relationship with your husband. If that relationship is adversely affected by you haveing a baby, then there is a strong chance that you will be able to work it out, but if you terminate your pregnancy, you will never be get your baby back. I am not talking from a moral perspective, like expat, I am pro choice, but having a termination is not your choice, it is your husbands. every thing you've said so far is heavy with sadness and regret already. You have time to do the right thing for you, not morally, but for you, don't make a decision you can never reverse.
Right, about to don hard hat. Please please don;t have a termination, you so clearly don;t want to.

I have been following this thread and want to say that I hope that you can make a decision soon that you can live with.

Tbh, your husband is behaving appallingly, as expat said, he is using the worst kind of emotional blackmail. He is not thinking of you or the child you are carrying, nor is he thinking of your DCs. He is thinking of himself.

I am absolutely pro-choice, I believe that it is your decision to make. If I felt that you wanted a termination, I would not even have posted here. But from all that you have written I can only see that you want to carry on with the pregnancy.

However you decide, I wish you luck.

My husband - all his mates - were thoroughly disgusted with this pathetic excuse for a person's behaviour.

I mean, you wouldn't treat a dog like that, much less your wife and the mother of your kids.

And not even considering the effect having an ill mother has on the kids, because they know.

Nah, it's all me, me, me and threatening and bullying and silent treatment and psychological coercion and even going along to a doctor - hope the GP is clever enough to take some cracking notes on this.

Well said

Oh......and my dh was DISGUSTED with this behaviour!!!!

I am pro-choice. In other words, taht a woman is free to make a choice that she feels 100% sure about and feels is right for her needs at the time.

But again and again, you see this doesn't happen because they are with an abusive partner.

The man is driving his wife to nervous breakdown, barm, using bullying and threatening behavior to control what is her fundemental freedom as a womean, the right to choose how and when she reproduces, and you're taking things personally?

IMO, that is emotionally abusive to do that to someone,male or female.

Here are even a few definitions:

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse: coercion, humiliation, intimidation, relational aggression, parental alienation or covert incest: Where one person uses emotional or psychological coercion to compel another to do something they do not want, or is not in their best interests; or when one person manipulates another's emotional or psychological state for their own ends (see battered person syndrome), or commits psychological aggression using ostensibly non-violent methods to inflict mental or emotional violence or pain on another.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse

or how about this:
www.thisisawar.com/AbuseEmotional.htm

Time to call a spade a spade.

Because you know, it is sickening to continually read on this board about women who are subjected to this type of behaviour at one of the most vulnerable times in their lives by the person who is supposedly there to be be supportive of their choice and decision about their body, mental and physical health.

Just wanted to see how you are Hogwarts. You have been in my thoughts since I first came across this thread. I know I was anti you having a termination but ONLY because it sounded like you DIDN'T want one. If you did, I'd say have it but after the hell I went through when I was 16 and for MANY years after because I didn't want mine, I just didn't want your DH bullying you. Afraid I totally agree with expatinscotland! Might sound harsh as slating your h but sorry, his behaviour makes me feel this way!!! And whilst only 1 person in RL knows, not your family, he can pick away at you more and more. I bet it would be different if it was out in the open!! Deep down he must know he's behaving like a $%£" (best not put the word I'm thinking!)

Anyway, my main concern is your state of mind. Please please please see the Dr on your own. You're CLEARLY depressed and you need to talk to the Dr without H there (sorry, another one who can't bring myself to use the 'd'

My husband was a complete pig when I fell pregnant with ds2, he was happy having ds1 and dd and felt this would muck everything up. He was foul to live with and moaned non-stop about our 'suprise baby'. When he told his mother that I was expecting he told her as though I had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The whole pregnancy was stressful and part of me hated him. Ds2 was born and dh was ok, found excuses to get out and wasn't helpful when he had colic (no suprise there with all the stress). Ds2 is now 7, he was a difficult baby, nothing like the other 2, but once he could walk etc be independant he turned into a joy. Our lives without him would be empty. He, as the youngest is our clown, he is adorable, cuddly, sporty, cheeky and we all love him. Dh never mentions how shockingly he behaved though I have thrown it at him during the odd heated argument. He never asked me to have a termination though. He just made our lives so miserable and made my last pregnany so miserable and stressful and a part of me will never quite forgive him for that.

I feel so sorry for you. You sound so depressed, go back and see your nice GP, and ask for his advice re antidepressants or whatever is safe during pregnancy. My mother often says you can always replace a husband but you can never replace your children...remember that when he is bullying you.

Why don't you tell your parents, let everyone know and make him realise what a sh*t he is being. The thing that gets me is how our dh's forget that we wouldn't be pregnant but for them! My dh still refuses to have the snip!!

Be brave, stick up for what you want, I'm sure your other 2 dc would love a little baby. I couldn't imagine my family not having ds2 in it.

I have a friend also who had a termination for suprise no3, she never forgave him, eventually fell pregnant new years eve 99/2000 (first time she'd slept with him for an age..too much champagne!), went onto to have her ds after 2 dd's, and has now seperated from her H.

Hope this helps. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs. xx

How are things today Hogwarts? Have you been able to bring yourself to a decision yet? Just wanted to say I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. BIG HUGS

Am going to ignore that last comment Expat, that was a tad uncalled for tbh.

p.s., ANY 'partner' who uses emotionally bullying to control your reproduction, be it from bullying a person into unwanted termination or saying, 'I decide how many kids we'll have, but you're responsible for contraception' is an abusive twat.

Everything else aside.

Here's the bottom line, hogwarts:

YOUR HUSBAND IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AND YOU ARE VERY LIKELY CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.

You need to see your GP immediately, because if you feel you are about to have a nervous breakdown you are not in a position to be 100% sure about a decision like termination.

And you need to see the GP alone because he/she needs to understand that you are being abused.

This man is emotionally ABUSING you.

It's normal to be depressed as a result.

You are so much stronger than you even know!

Do you realise how many women on here have come through relationships like this?

How many have been really at rock bottom but they survived.

And you can and will, too.

But you must know that this is not a healthy marriage.

His actions show he has NO respect for you or even his family, because he doesn't give a toss that his wife doesn't want a termination, is depressed and the possible consequences to the family he has chosen to create.

Please contact Women's Aid or a support group for emotionally abused partners or even start a thread on here, 'Help! I'm being emotionally abused' before being bullied into doing anything you're not 100% about with YOUR body, your choice and your *reproduction.

A woman's choice is just that.

Hi i have made very few posts on mumsnet and then i had a different name, but i lurk.
I have just read this entire thread, some of it i have read out loud to my DH. He is appalled by your H behavior as am i.
I asked my DH what we would do if we found out we were expecting and unplanned fourth, we live in one room at my mothers house at the moment so it wouldn't be great, BUT he said we would find a way to cope and any decision we made we would make as a couple.
Your husband is telling you that it is your mess and he wants you to clear it up because if you don't and he leaves it will be your fault, in fact it all seems to be your fault in his eyes. I think you really need to concentrate on you right now, but you are worrying about what everyone will think/ do when they find out. While you have this fear hanging over you you can't even BE pregnant if you see what i mean.
Could you tell people, your family? If they know then you won't have to worry about hiding it and acting normal. You never know they may surprise you and be supportive. Even if they aren't you will have one less thing to worry about. You could spend a few days being pregnant and nothing else, sorry i don't think this is making much sense.
I think part of your husbands power in this is fear, he has you fearing what he will do, what people will say.
When your mother asks how long your know and why you didn't say something tell her it was unplanned, you were in shock, you still don't know what you are going to do. If she won't support you then at least you know and can look at things knowing the facts.
I am sorry this is all very garbled, it made more sense in my head. I just wanted to say that me and my DH are wishing you the best. You said that you lose either way but you aren't sure you'll keep your husband even if you do have a termination, if you keep the baby you win a baby that i think is the only certainty at the moment.
Please feel free to ignore this long rambling post.

keeping u in my thoughts, hogs.
Understand the miscarry theory - have actually been there ...got pg at time when it was horrendous for us as a family, i still had pnd from previous pg, and because of a medical condition i need treatment before conception and during pg. I chose not to get the treatment - i could have done as soon as found BFP. termination by default, as it were.
Not actually any better route than the others you have - let's face it i don't think there is any "good" option for how you are feeling just now. You can go for what you think is the one for you and tbh nobody else matters. It's time to look after number one now, cos nobody else seems to be stepping forward at the moment.
Keep strong, ma girl.
(((((more hugs))))

hogwarts, you've had so much good advice here I've little to add except my support and fervent hope that you don't allow your husband to persuade you to have a termination you don't want.

He said it was your decision. A loving husband and man of honour means that and when his wife says she doesn't want a termination he accepts that and begins to look forward to the new addition to the family and tries his best to put his misgivings aside. THAT's what respecting your right to make this decision means.

It is not respecting your decision to threaten to leave you if you make the decision he doesn't favour. It is not respecting your decision to try to emotionally bully you into doing what he wants at a time when you're so fragile.

The way he's carrying on you'd swear he wants you to be grateful he didn't drag you physically to an abortion clinic to have an abortion against your will.

You mention that of course you'd get this kind of advice on a conception messageboard. But that's where you chose to look for advice. People tend to seek advice where they think they will get the most sympathetic hearing and get the advice they are really hoping for.

Please, please talk to your best friend about this some more. You are really terribly isolated right now and your husband is behaving in a very controlling and bullying way. Your perspective seems very compromised, which is not a good thing when you're trying to make such an important decision.

Hi Hogwarts, things are still pretty rotten for you aren't they? (((Hugs)))

I'd just like to make a little addition to Penelope's positive termination story. You see, I have had two terminations. The first one, the one I felt hideously pressured into and bitterly regretted which gave me PTSD and spiralling depression. The second one, when DD was still a baby, which DH and I both wanted. I have no regrets.

Right now, you sound like me before the first one, not the second. You're hiding, just like I did. You've told hardly anyone and you don't want to discuss it any further with the one close friend you have told. Are you afraid of letting out your true feelings? Please reach out to your family and friends and really tell them how you feel. If it's all too much to speak it out loud then send them to this thread, print out a few of your posts for them to read, whatever. I know it's hard to talk about comtemplating a termination, but I really think you need some more support from RL people to be sure of making the decision that's best for you.

Hi Hogwarts

I've been following your thread too, i really feel for you, what a rock and a hard place you are in, I understand your burden.

It sounds like it's all grinding you down and that's what's making your decision harder. I think your gp's advice was very good about being a 100% sure about the termination. If you do it for anyoneother than yourself i think it would be wrong.
I'm no expert, but to me it sounds like very controlling behaviour from your dh, you made the conception together and now need to come to a decision together. This is hard to say as I don't want to hurt or complicate matters but your self esteem sounds very low, If it was high I'm sure you would just do what you want and not worry about what anyone else says or thinks, I'm scared for you in some ways as if you make a decision that is more for dh than you, you could get into a worse relationship anyway, he may start demanding other things or as I'm sure you've thought of maybe your dh could leave you regardless.

I think barmymummy's advice was good, but i have a close friend (same history) who thinks about her termination everyday. I understand the miscarriage thought too, but having had those you think about them everyday too, so It probably wouldn't be the solution either.

I'm not TTC but honestly if I was you, and I maybe wanted the baby more than 50.5% I'd keep it.

i really think you should talk to your family or your friend again, before you make your decision it will make it all easier now and in the future to have someone to talk about it with.

Stay strong hun

I know if life was only that easy hey ! You are so right you lose either way all i would say is that you will find the inner strength to decide & once you have you can start living again & stop exsisting. Its easy for me to just sit at my desk &type a message to you but i am sending you all my good wishes x