Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

HOGS he wants you to think that you wont cope alone with another child to get his own way.you know you have done it before.he is acting like the biggest child in the household...does he think he is totally blameless in the conception??? if he was definate that he never wanted anymore children then he would have gone and had a vasectomy.do not let him emotionally blackmail you into doing something you are not 100% sure is the right decision x x x

Hi Hogwarts
I've not posted on this thread, but I've been lurking and wanted to add another voice of support to the many that have already posted.

You are going through so much at the moment, please be gentle with yourself. Please talk to your mum, and please keep posting on Mumsnet as there is warmth, empathy and really good support here.

Take care .

Hogwarts - I have just finished reading through this thread.
Please please don't terminate your baby. Please please speak to your Mum TODAY, she can help give you some support and perspective. I am sure that you will have so much support from your family that you will not even notice that DH isn't there (although I am not convinced he will leave, I think he is trying to scare you into a termination).
He doesn't appear to have had much thought for keeping his family together in the past and he doesn't seem to care that much now.

Now off you go and get some RL support from your Mum x

Hi Hogwarts

I haven't read all of the posts but have been following your dilemma since you first posted.

I really really think that if you terminate you will end up resenting your husband totally. And you will feel guilty that you couldn't stand up to him. That combination of factors will affect your other DCs too. So your DH's comment that you are not thinking of them is a load of crap.

Tell your Mum. Tell her why you haven't told her till now.

oh dear, I was correcting my spelling, not calling anyone judgemental.
Sorry!

judgmental

Here's another exercise that may help to sort things out in your head.
Imagine that you're going ahead with a termination, spend an hour or so really examining how you feel. Imagine the day of the appointment, the days after. Maybe write down how you feel.
Then imagine you're going ahead with the pg. Imagine arranging antanatal appts and organising everything. Again, examine how you feel, write it down.
This advice may well be a heap of crap, in which case imagine me passing you a warm drink and a non-judgemantal shoulder to cry on.
Got to do stuff, will be thinking of you Hogwarts.

heres how i see it.

have a termanation- u will regret it since u have said its not what u want. u will resent ur H (hes not worthy of a DH) and its possible ur marrige will fall apart anyway (your words).

keep baby- you may have to do it alone but as you have said you have basically had to do that with ur other 2 anyway.

so it could be no baby or H or a beutiful baby

i dont want this to sound harsh just thought i would write in 1 thread what u have said the whole time

Oh Hogwarts, I just found your thread yesterday and I'm really sad for you. The termination is not what you want, DON'T DO IT! Sorry for shouting but no man is worth that. If he does love you like he says he does he will support you and will end up loving this baby. If he walks out on you now because you want to keep it, then what sort of man is he?? Definitely not worth sacrificing your baby's life for!

I know this is easier sais than doen and you would probably be giving the same advice to a stranger, but I hope it makes you think well about it.

Good luck....

Maybe it would help to imagine yourself 18 months down the line. Imagine each of the two possible scenarios, and write down how you think it will be.
Please understand Hogwarts that I'm not trying to steer you in any particular direction here, but in your last post you said "I don't know what I want".
You must be so tired.

Please tell your mum. She can help you.

If you do this, under these circumstances, your dh will have no respect for you and you will hate yourself and him. If he could walk out on you and the kids so easily then theres every chance he will leave anyway. He's a nasty spineless excuse for a man.

You don't seem like a weak gibbering mother to me, not at all.
You do need some support though, is there anyone?

Oh Hogwarts, you poor thing.
You said one crucial thing in that post...."it's not what I want".
But we're not here to bully you, you have enough of that from your dh.Just know that I'm thinking of you.

hogwarts. I am so sorry your h is doing this to you.

Please be clear in your mind that he is attempting to turn the guilt on to you in order to disguise (from himself and others) the fact that he is selfish and unable to deal with a disturbance to his set-up, and that you have not reacted by putting him first. Tbh I can't help thinking he has picked his moment (your birthday, ffs) deliberately.

I have had the 'breakling up the family' line before, in different circumstances - from my parents, who claimed I was excluding myself from/breaking up the family by refusing to leave dh (whom they had never met and were unhappy about for ridiculous illogical reasons). It's a line that tends to work well on women, who often feel it is their role to keep families together. Don't let it eat into you.

blimey this queue behind expat's DH is sooo long. OK, haven't said it so far(everyone else has by now so i'll just stick mine in to add to the numbers)he is an emotional abuser, trying to blackmail you into taking the blame for what he is doing. I have tried to see how the thing could be reconciled before as you didn't seem too disgusted with him - even though many of the things he did were spineless to say the least. Somewhere in there we could see that you perhaps hoped - understandably- that he'd get over his childish paddy and be a man. But no. No man in there it seems.

? Where does he get off ?? he says you are breaking up the family??? Eh??? how exactly, I thought it was him who wants termination, both baby and relationship?
Shit belongs on the middin' as they say round my way. "Right northern" expression but oh how accurate. I have never felt so in my life at someone who i don't know...

It was me who said a while ago that your children love you unconditionally (including the little bump) but a man who makes his 'love' conditional isn't worth keeping. I'm glad it helped.
There is no such thing as love with rules, is there? Treat him with the contempt he deserves, and save your energy! It is plain to see the massive strength you have, so much that you will be the strongest woman on the planet after this. Just imagine how relieved and positive you can be six months down the line! new baby, new mum, new start. Yes it will be blxxdy hard but it would be even harder with the H dragging you down as well.
more big {{{{hugs}}}} for your birthday. His "present" to you shows him for what he is. Enough said, methinks

I've been following your thread and have a really really massive urge to give you a huge big hug.
I don't know you, but have read about your hopes, dreams, ups and downs. I really think like many others on this site that you NEED to talk to your Mam. Tell her everything, stop protecting DH. You really have to look after yourself and little bean and of course you other DC.
Your DH is bullying you and reading through your threads over the past week I think you know you have already made your decision. DO NOT let him blackmail you. I really hope everything works out for you and DH wakes up and realises what he is asking of you. sending lots of love x

whilst he was at the gym i would pack him a suitcase to leave outside for him.

i mean, he said it was 'over' and shit.

yah, right.

just another adolescent attempt to bully you by throwing a wobbly.

Hogwarts. I am so sorry to hear what you are having to put up with at the hands of your H. He sounds as if he has serious emotional problems that he has to resolve before he ruins anybody else's life.
It doesn't sound as if he is making any sense. Why would he tell you that another child would ruin your children's lives - has he discussed this with them? I doubt it! It seems like a contrived reason, to cover the 'real' reason. He just thinks that it is an argument that you will respond to. In fact it seems pitiful to use his supposed interest in your children's welfare in such a insincere way - just to get what he wants, not because he has a genuine concern.
From what you have said he doesn't seem to have actually told you why he doesn't want this child, is it financial, is it because he doesn't feel emotionally able to cope with the pressure of another child, what???
If it is financial, is he afraid of being unable to pay his gym membership? Is it just superficial nonsense? Or does he think you will all end up on the streets?
If he really feels unable to cope with the pressure, perhaps he needs to take himself to the doctors and find out if there is any help available, and perhaps move out until he has sorted out his emotions.
I feel so bad that you are having to go through this, when you are tired and emotional enough and deserve so much more than you are getting. It may be that your H's departure will give you some peace and a break from this horrible pressure.
Even if you did have the abortion, how on earth could he think that you can resume a normal relationship after he has put you through this pain and torment. He must be delusional.
I think your next birthday will be spectacular though, with a gorgeous baby and lovely children, even if the cake is covered in carpet, fluff. I hope you can see a time ahead when this will just be an unpleasant memory.
Sending you a box of choccies, a silk dressing gown and a chaise longue to lie on, oh and some servants (on very good rates) to feed you the choccies.
I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Best of luck, telling your mum

((((((((((((((hooooge hug))))))))))))
i dont think ive posted before but i have lurked since the start of the thread.
so first of all i want to say i think you are a bloody brave woman in not letting your sack of shit DH bully you into having a termination.like you said you have got through it before when you were seperated, and you will do it again.does he think that if he leaves that his life will be better, does he realise that once this baby isborn and grows up he/she will ask him why you and him are not together, and why he is distant from him/her and it will be too late to rectify.In all honesty i dont think you will struggle with an extra child if you end up on your own because he is like a big kid anyway.chin up and stay healthy x x x x x x

i think getting signed off is a brilliant idea, especially because your GP has already suggested that to you.

you need time to rest.

part of what's making it so easy for him to bully and manipulate you is that you're so tired.

i mean, he fucking left you to do the house move on your own. wtf? most men wouldn't do that even if their wives weren't pregnant.

why, because you're supposed to be partners.

i'd just tell you mum.

believe me, you're a mum yourself, you know us mums are tough and can take just about anything! it takes a lot to rattle a mum.

you really and truly need the support and love of your family and friends just now, hogwarts.

it will make so much of a difference!

i'd be on the horn to those aunts and uncles and pals right now! texting away.

as for your DH avoiding his friend. i mean, some friend! can you imagine, how you'd feel if your pal just cut you off like that? you'd be hurt, wondering what you did wrong. not very considerate!

you made a decision about this from the second you typed the OP. the only thing that even remotely rattled that is this 'DH', who's a bullying, manipulative, emotionally abusive git.

Well done, well done, well done ! xxxxx good luck with telling your mum ! xxxx

Just caught up with your thread, hogwarts, and I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
Your husband is treating you horribly & I feel for you so much as I was in a similar position when pregnant with DS2.

My husband never wanted children, and when I found myself pregnant after a bad bout of IBS which messed up my pill, my husband was very anti the whole pregnancy.
He would make out all would have been ok if I had terminated, and that he would have cooked me a nice meal after!
He showed no interest in the scans, and wouldn't enter the delivery room while I was in labour.
When my mum went in to tell him DS2 had been born, an expectant father tried to shake his hand & he refused.
He showed no interest in his new son at all while I was in hospital, and described the day he brought us home as the second worse day of his life other than his dad dying.

When DS2 was 4 days old, he held him, and gradually began to bond with him, but I was left with terrible depression.

He loves DS2 (now 4.5) to pieces now, but we are no longer together.

My situation is pretty rare, in that it continued until after the birth, but I can empathise with the awful feelings you are experiencing right now.
Don't feel bullied into doing something you really don't want to do. Your husband is being a nasty selfish bully, and I am very on your behalf.

I really hope your family are able to offer you the support you need & deserve. Take care.x