Got a BFP, not sure how I feel and DH isnt going to be happy

I am so pleased that you have arranged to meet your best friend to talk this afternoon. As she is the only one you have told so far, you must trust her a lot.

I hope she gives you strength to carry on standing up to your bullying husband and the support you need.

I agree that your husband is playing games...pushing your birthday cake onto the floor, emptying drawers, generally stomping around the place...what a bad tempered child.

If your dh really loved you he wouldn't be able to bear seeing you in this pain and torment.
how can anyone be so impervious to their partner's pain and heartache?

I can keep quiet no lnger.

You must tell your mum or best friend. They will help you get some perspective and support YOUR decision.

god, beckle, i know so many people like you! including one of my best friends in life who brought up her daughter on her own. her dad was a waster and she was indeed much better off without that lying, cheating, wife beater scumbag.

And I second what Goingfor3 said about being raised by a single parent. My Dad left when my youngest brother was a baby and we were much happier with one happy parent in a home full of love than we were when my Dad was around.

I'm a great believer in making decisions from a position of strength. Tell your bf, tell you family, esp your mum, and let them help you reach the decision YOU want.

Your hb is getting panicky because he knows time is running out and soon there will be no choice - so expect an escalation in his histrionics. That's why having the support of family will be so important.

Btw, have thought of the perfect birthday present for him - even better if can actually get it for the actual day: a vasectomy.

I also think that if you didn't want this baby then you would have terminated at an earlier point. After 12 weeks the options are much more grim - do you really want to put yourself through that for the sake of a man who obviously doesn't care what you want or what you would have to go through? If you go through with termination who is to say that your marriage will survive once your hormones have stopped making you feel vulnerable? How will you feel about H then? If you keep the baby there is a possibility you will keep H too (if you want him) but if not then you will still have your DC3.

Hogwarts I haven't posted on this thread til now but can't keep quiet any more.

You really need some support in RL on this. Your mum, your BF, anyone you really need to share it with someone who knows you and can help fight your corner whatever YOU decide to do. I think Expat is right in that your H has you totally isolated on this. Please reach out to someone today, I would hate to think that my sister or any of my friends were going through this alone.

FWIW, I am totally pro-choice but find it absolutely heartbreaking that you feel unable to keep the baby you so clearly (imo) want to. My mum brought up 3 kids practically single-handed without much money at all, in a tiny house but with loads of love and we made it through just fine. You will find MNers to support you every step of the way.

you terminate, and he's going to expect you to forget about it immediately, the way you were supposed to just carry on after his affair.

and if you don't, he'll make it out to be all your fault, you're a loser or wrong or messed up to be carrying on about it, etc.

and he'll take a week off work, my arse!

i wouldn't be surprised if he copped out of going along with you at all.

you said already he's hardly around for the two kids he has as it is, what's the point of him at all

Good luck at the doctor's, please be honest with him/her about what you want and feel and the same with your BF.
It sounds to me like your H is playing games with you by rearranging his drawers - he is trying to scare you and keep scaring you intil he gets his way.
I agree with others that once your Mum and the rest of your family/friends/support network know about your pregnancy and what is going on H will lose the worst of his power over you and you will hopefully realise that if he does decide to go, you can do it without him. I also think your Mum would want to know what was happening and would hate to think that you were hurting and not confiding in her.

Hi Hogwarts,

by the sound of it, it looks like you will be on your own if you choose to have the termination? Do you really think you can come back from this? I really feel for you, and hope you make the right decision for you...xxx

print this thread off and show the GP if you can't talk to them.

of course they're going to know something's up.

I have been reading this and it sounds as if you would be better off as a single mother. My mum brought me up by herself and I am really glad she did, it's so much better to have one happy parent than two miserable ones. If you knew having an abortion was the right thing to do I imagine you would have done it by now and think if you do it now you will probably regret it more than keeping the baby. What ever descion you may needs to be right for you and I hope you make one you are happy with. I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to your mum.

Best of luck at the Dr's - what time is your app? I'm soooo pleased your BF is taking time off, good for you for telling her how you feel!

Please be completely honest with the Dr, you need help love! xxx

Your H has worked a treat on you hasn't he!! The thing is, he's doing what he's doing to make you feel like this. If only you'd tell this supportive family of yours, I bet you'll feel SOOOO much better and they will help you through it.

H is playing games to get his own way - don't let him make you end a life you want!!!

Thinking of you xxx

Well Done Hogwarts, tell all to your doctor and tell all to your friend, just as you have to us.
I'm sure that with their help you'll come to the right decision for you, and of course what's right for you is ultimately what's right for the rest of your family.

this man is textbook classic emotional abuser.

if you google 'emotional abuse' he'll tick every box.

guaranteed.

there is help out there for victims of abuse.

why would he want to leave when he knows you'll take his emotional abuse?

does your GP know how he's treating you?

because he/she really needs to know. this is impacting your health, your GP is here to help you and believe me, he/she has seen this all before and even worse.

i think you need to come clean w/your GP because tbh GPs are not idiots and he/she probably knows something's up anyhow.

PLEASE TELL HIM/HER!

your BF took the afternoon off.

your own husband didn't.

he doesn't want to leave because like all abusers he knows if he manipulates you enough you'll do what he wants.

visit the lone parents section.

better yet, READ THIS THREAD, TOO:

mumsnet.com/Talk/1400/414079?stamp=071029012145

I was one of those people who had a termination......would you like me to remind you??? I was only 16, not a mother then (as a mother I'd find it MUCH MUCH harder). It wasn't my partner who persuaded me, it was the awful family planning people who told me I'd be a selfish 'little girl' if I kept the baby (amongst other things said). I felt bullied into it and although I was only about 6 weeks gone, it totally fucked me up after. Within 2 months I'd split with the father (we were very much in love but this messed my head big time). It fucked me up for years and I will always HATE the family planning people for doing this to me. I know you'll feel the same about your H after and urge you not to go ahead. Being as far gone as you are, I really don't think it would be as straight forward? If you're 12 weeks already, I'm not even sure if you legally can anyway??

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to your mum. You have a supportive family, you've already said this. It also MESSED up my MUM when she found out and I hadn't spoken to her. She wanted to help and it was too late.

I really don't think you'd cope if you had a termination - I can't tell you the images I had in my head after, I was proper fucked up and surprised my mum didn't make me see a specialist!!!!

I'm only saying all this as I'm so worried this twat of a man has worked his stuff on you, he's got you just where he wants you!!

Have you been to the Dr's yet?

Lots of {{{{{ hugs }}}}}

LT xxx

'I am torn between my unborn child and the 2 I already have. Whats the best decision for them all? Do they want/deserve a weak gibbering mother who can't cope alone?'

Do they deserve an emotionally abusive father who controls and manipulates people into making life-changing decisions against their will via mental abuse?

like all emotional abusers, he seeks to isolate you from your family because he knows they'll remind you of how strong you are and how much support you have.

and remind you of how much of an abusive, disgusting, low life of a person he is.

Like the others on this thread I want so much to help you and to take away the agony that you are being put through by your H.

You are on the receiving end of mental and emotional abuse. He is clearly not loving you unconditionally - he seems to only be able to want to keep you as his DW if you terminate the life of your newest child - the one growing in your belly.

He is manipulating you into believing that this is best for you, for your DC and for your marriage - and in doing so causing you to not be able to think straight.

Yet reading your posts over these weeks you have said that you want this new life - and I believe you. However I am pro-choice and if YOU decide for yourself that you want a termination then that is a different kettle of fish - but at the moment I would suggest that, given your levels of confusion as to what you want/ what you should do (understandable when your H is playing cruel, vicious mind games) that you are not in a good place to make ANY decisions.

The other posters are right when they urge you to tell your mum about the situation. I understand your reluctance to involve anyone from RL in your nightmare....but what harm would it do to tell your mum?

he says he'll take a week off for your abortion.

like he took a week off to help you with the move?

i feel very, very sorry for you and your kids, hogwarts, because you're in an abusive relationship.

please visit the 'lone parents' section - you'll find plenty of company and support there.

IF YOU DON'T WANT A TERMINATION THEN YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ONE!

Please re-read this thread, there were several very brave posters who shared their experiences of terminations, and even more than one, and the ones who didn't want it but had it for a partner were very fucked up afterwards.

Second-trimester terminations aren't as straightforward as earlier ones.

I'm really, really sorry to see someone who's so obviously emotionally abused continue with such a realtionship.

As the mum of daughters, this just breaks my heart.

I cringe to imagine what I will do - not would, but will - do to a man like this should my daughter get involved with him.

Were things hunky dory after his affair?

You said you still think of it 2.5 years later.

How do you think a termination you didn't want is going to go over?

Hi Hogwarts, I'm sorry you are feeling so lousy and I do see why you would want to have the abortion. You are under some serious pressure. Even though you don't want to approach your mum, I think you do need another sounding board, is there anyone else in your family you could trust with this? What about your friend?
Is there any way that your H would agree to some relationship counselling? I'm pretty sure you would qualify. It sounds as if you need some outside input. You could even phone relate yourself and go alone.
It is almost as if your choice isn't about the baby, but about your marriage. When your H left the last time, was it for long, did you think you could cope then? Do you think the pregnancy hormones are making you feel more weak and vulnerable?
Hang on in there, it will get better!